Same old sex

[isthisreallyit70]

Married Male 48 having the same old boring sex. Always in bed. She doesn't particularly like foreplay, doesn't like me going down on her, id love to go down on her every time. I'd like to spice it up. Every time I bring it up she just says she's shy and doesn't like to.

It's really important to me and I've addressed it but she doesn't want to change it :-((

Where do I go from here

If she doesn't like you going down on her, she doesn't like it. Why do you want to do something she doesn't like? Maybe think about her pleasure rather than your own and you might find she's or willing to have more sex/ try new things. Talk to her and listen. A lot of men think they're amazing at oral when actually they aren't.

That's exactly what I am doing, asking her what she does want . She's just not interested in sex. It's not important to her. I've asked everything I can to see what she wants.

I'm not that selfish to think I'm just great at it and she should want it.

What is it you like about going down on her? Perhaps explain why you want to? She may be just self conscious though if it's the feeling of someone touching her with their mouth she doesn't like then you'll need to respect that

doesn't like foreplay either way OP - you on her, her on you?

I was specifically talking about oral, you never said in your OP she didn't want any sex at all. It's hard to know what the problem is.
How long has it been like this? Maybe it's temporary, she could be going through a hard time and she's stressed or tired. Maybe her sex drive has lowered for whatever reason. It could even be that she doesn't fancy you anymore. If she's not willing to work on it and completely disinterested then you may have a bigger problem.

I don’t think you can force someone to like oral sex if they don’t like it, can you suggest things like sex toys, blindfolds, sex in different places etc?
My husband doesn’t give me oral often and I’d like it more but he doesn’t offer and I’m not going to ask for it.

Ok, some big learning curves for you coming up: sex for women isn't just about sex. It starts many hours/days before that!

A woman is a gorgeous complex creature and we have to have many many needs met before we feel sexually excited

At mid life, she will be dealing with many body changes that really screw up her confidence and self worth.

Rather than just thinking about the end goal (the great sex), you need to dial it back about ten miles. Look at her life, at your relationship; is she happy, fulfilled? Or is she tired, or bored, or has low self esteem? Who does all the housework and emotional labour in your house? Do you make time for each other?

Go out for dinner (get her to choose where) Ask her questions about her life, big open questions like 'how are you feeling at the moment?' 'what could i do to be a better husband for you?' 'Where do you see our relationship in 5/10/20 years) Get deep. Talk, a lot. Talking is sexy for women. Learn about her, try to unpick what's missing in her life, what you can do...

If this all sounds like too much effort, then you're wasting her time and you may as well split up. Everyone deserves great sex, and the best way to get to it is to connect emotionally first. And that takes time

Google Tracy Cox. She gives great advice on all aspects of a great sex life

Good luck

@airey you’re assuming that the OP doesn’t know how to husband.

My husband asking all these questions would put me off sex even more, if I’m honest.

Maybe they have a good relationship and communicate well and she just doesn’t like foreplay or sex, it can be really that simple.

Exactly this

Thanks mermaid and coffee. I do know how to husband. I wouldn’t be stupid enough to post on here if I wasn’t ticking the other boxes. It’s been for years and I’ve mentioned it numerous times. Sex just isn’t important to her :-( it is to me. And I love nothing more than making it all about her.

If she’s mid-late 40’s it’s possible her drive has diminished due to menopause. It’s great her pleasure is so important to you, as there are many men who don’t think the same. Would she be open to spicing things up in other ways, although I assume if sex is no longer important to her, this may just not be something of interest to her.

I understand what you're saying coffee , and yes things are changing. It's just been like this for a while that's all :-(

Her pleasure is the most important for me, I get no pleasure until she does.

I don't see how we can move on, I've tried all the advice everyone has given me. She loves me, she tells me she fancies me. She just says that for her sex isn't everything to her.

It's important to me. I don't want to find someone else , but I do contemplate an escort or a ONS. I don't know what to do. I could easily sort these things as I work away a lot.

I would strongly go against the use of a sex worker, it’s an exploitive industry and would you really want to have transactional sex?

Another option is an open relationship where you have a discreet sexual relationship with another woman but this depends entirely on how your wife feels about that situation.

Is there any chance your DW has suffered a sexual trauma at some point. I’m assuming she is a similar age to you? If so I find it strange that someone from the same generation as me feels shy discussing sex with her husband. I feel there’s something there to explore with her.
Also, by not getting into foreplay and oral her body is probably not turned on enough for sex. This could then result in uncomfortable or even painful penetration with no hope of orgasm, so the whole experience is not worth the bother for her.

I agree, not being able to discuss things is a huge stumbling block in any relationship and not being turned on is never going to lead to fulfilling sex. The mind is the starting block to your happiness.

No not something that’s happened. It’s just not important to her :-(

I think if you have a partner for whom sex is not really all that important, then you are on a hiding to nothing really.
I guess your options are going to be

1. stick with it and look for tiny steps, maybe shared showers or massages, with no sex to bring the closeness back with no expections of sex
2. Look outside the relationship for something extra
3. End the relationship

while I realise none of there are particularly helpful, 2 will probably lead to 3

This is exactly what I did, 2&3 with my ex-partner, not excusing infidelity and it wasn’t planned but it opened my eyes to what a real sex life should be like.

@Confessions88 im in the same boat, partner (f), has no interest in sex anymore, currently exploring option 2, almost certainly will move to 3.

It’s the same for me but it’s my husband who’s not interested. It’s been four months and I’m going out of my mind. Im only 40 and my sex drive has shot through the roof in recent years. I don’t want this to be my life forever. Sex is an amazing part of being alive.

I find it confusing because I do everything at home
and with our child; he literally has no jobs at home. He does whatever he likes with his free time and I’ve never stopped him. And yet I want him as much as I ever did. I think he’s quite a lucky guy really but he obviously doesn’t think the same.

I’m sorry I can’t help, but you’re not alone!

@DixonD I don’t mean to be unkind, but what does he bring to your relationship? You seem to do everything and he swans around without responsibilities and doesn’t even give orgasms in return!

So how have you approached it?

@isthisreallyit70 I'm sorry that you are experiencing this.
It's obviously really tricky as it sounds like your DW is not having the desire to have sex or different sex. This is difficult from your perspective as you don't want to come across as pushy or demanding. I would say most of the drive has to come from her, but how receptive is she to discussing it or reading about the issue? I'm guessing she probably doesn't feel like it is an issue to her?

Some suggestions:
This podcast has been really popular as it explains female desire and why/how it's different for women & men.
https://www.dontbuyherflowers.com/podcast/the-dont-buy-her-flowers-podcast-ep-020/

As you will know, hormones play a big part in this with mood, desire etc. Perimenopause etc buggers that up even further!

Dr Karen Gurney has a book all about this called Mind the Gap, and its worth a read.

"Hello Jenny Keane" is on Instagram & has a website of the same name. She is an amazing person who talks openly & educates on sex. She has some paid workshops coming up that she delivers online. (You keep the camera off & she keeps her clothes on!). Many couples have joined her workshops & have not been able to finish them, as they get turned on & end up having sex! Many people message her after the Zoom workshop to thank her for restarting their sex lives which have died over the years. Jenny is Irish & does lots of work around removing shame & shyness, so this might be relevant.

Does your wife read? Some women credit reading spicy books with restarting their interest in sex. Books by TL Swan are a good place to start (The Takeover is good).

Good luck, I hope things improve for you both.

Same boat here and also contemplating option 3 once the child rearing duties are done. Have tried everything over the years and she is hurtful and plain uninterested. I have switched off to protect my own mental health and concentrate on the children. For “low libido” just read “selfish” - these people (female and male) just want the comfort of a marriage but give nothing in return