Question for men - could you stay in a relationship without penetrative sex??

[roinndosgrion]

I have gynae issues which cause me to often not be able to have sex. There is a chance that I'll have to stop completely and it's making me so sad . Sad for myself but most of all for my relationship of nearly two decades. He is only mid 40s. How can I expect him to go without penetrative sex forever??

He says it doesn't matter but then gets frustrated and withdrawn when I can't do it. Oral has always been a big part of our sex life and I am happy to still do that.

I'm interested to know honest opinions if other men would stay etc.

I’m not sure if it matters what others feel because different men will have different feelings about it. Mine has said before it wouldn’t worry him if this happened to us (we’re both fine; it was just in conversation), but I, as a woman, find that response unusual. He has a low sex drive so maybe that’s why. I know I’d miss full sex and would struggle without it.

I've been married twenty years plus, and certainly would not leave for that reason. We would just use other ways of having sex.

I also wouldn't get cross at my DW over what is fundamentally a medical problem.

@roinndosgrion, that's a tough call. I'm sure your husband appreciates your efforts, even if he's finding it hard to adjust. Everyone is different, and ultimately it'll depend how important PiV is to him.
I'm a man, but as said earlier, it's your man's feelings that matters, no one else's.
Practically speaking, is anal an option?
Longer term, if his desire was strong and causing difficulties in your relationship, would you consider options such as a FwB or similar?
Rarely is it worth losing a great relationship over a single issue in my opinion....there's usually a "work around."

@soloinaduo Unfortunately anal is not an option either sadly. As for friends with benefits, I'd like to be all rational and open minded, but I know I couldn't handle him with someone else , and he's not the type for it, he'd end up falling in love with them.

It may not be forever that I can't have sex, there is an operation but there is a chance that it won't work or will only work for so long.

It is so difficult. Neither of us are good communicators and I can see this splitting us up.

Yep, really tough for you both.

I have no direct experience of your situation, but the one thought I have is if you are a close couple, but not good communicators, then seriously consider some form of counselling to help you both get through. Does your health care unit offer this help as part of your treatment plan?

I'm wishing you both good luck

@soloinaduo I wish!! I can barely even get treatment, waited 8 months for a first appointment. No way will we get counselling. Hopefully we will make it through

I will add that if I stopped being able to have penetrative sex DW certainly wouldn't leave me. When you've been in a relationship for that length of time you just find ways through issues like these, don't you? Sure - we only have one life, but that's an argument that cuts both ways.

I suspect there might be a dearth of male posters here now, but It will all depend on the relationship. Length of time, personality, preference, sex drive, and empathy will be crucial in determining if he's happy to continue with the status quo. Best of luck, a horrible situation to find yourself in.

I was not able to have sex for about 5 years due to a tumour. There was no way of knowing if we were ever able to do it again in the future. We were just intimate in other ways. It was rubbish but there was never any question of it ending the relationship. Luckily medication that I was on meant we are now able to have sex.

@sparkle17 I'm sorry to hear you had issues, but thanks very much for your input. I'm glad medication helps. Can I ask (if it's okay) did your partner ever get cross or show frustration at all?? Mine is lovely about it, very reassuring etc, out with sex, but at times 'in the moment' (eg when he is aroused and I'm not able to) he will get a huffy look or go withdrawn. I suppose it's different because currently I am still able to do it sometimes, but I'm not sure how he would be longer term at the possibility.

There are a few free counselling services run by charitable organisations that you can donate what you are able to afford for the sessions. (Google for your area,ask GP)
If you know your communication is poor as a couple then you need to take steps to improve this so that resentment does not cause further issues.

i think that’s an almost impossible question for most men to answer, if they say yes they would leave, then they branded as being heartless and only thinking with their dicks, if they stay then missing out on a large part of what most people would consider fundamental to a relationship and it almost certainly causes resentment down the line.

just to flip it as well, look at number of threads from women who say they husbands/ partners have ED, most responses are to leave and find another man, ( admittedly men have meds to use, but they won’t work for all men ).

unlimately I think most men would stay in a long term relationship, but the relationship would undoubtedly suffer, in a short term relationship, I think most men would probably leave ( and that would be advice I would give to most men, especially if want a family).

sorry, really feel for you.

I think if your communication as a couple was better you would be able to experiment and find things that worked well enough to allow you to get past this together.

There are so many ways to be intimate that don't involve PIV. Using a toy (for him, like a fleshlight) together, oral and hand jobs etc but if you can't talk about it then it will be really hard.

I agree with PP, couples counselling/ sex therapy might help you both here.

@Bewilderedandhurt Thanks I will look into it. DP would never go for counselling, but I have been before and think I need to again.

@acpk55 I know what you mean, but I was just looking for genuine answers where it's anonymous - if someone is scared of getting branded as heartless etc on the internet then I don't know!!. I am quite a pragmatic person and I'd hate for someone to be staying with me out of duty so whilst I'd be heartbroken and don't think I'd ever get over it, I'd rather be alone.

What you say about resentment is the crux of what I am scared of I think. That he will choose to stay but will then resent me even though it is not my fault.

We already have a family. We have DC together who are nearly adults now. I guess it's just that - I'm scared of this ruining our relationship. We used to have an amazing sex life and then it dwindled a bit as boredom set in, but we were still very active and cause we don't communicate too well, it was one way we could communicate. Without it I just don't know, and he is in mid life mode and I guess I'm scared of what this means for us.

It's not an impossible question to answer at all. I find it quite an easy answer, tbh.

Two decades is a long time. That's a well-established relationship that I assume is more than just functional. The reality is that bad things happen to people, this is just one of many different things, and the loving thing to do is stick by the person going through them. So, vaginal sex may be out. So what. There are many hot alternatives. You are only limited by your imagination.

Ditching all that just to get a bit more vaginal sex seems (even from a purely selfish perspective) an enormous risk to run not to mention the ruination of finances in separation etc.

I suppose the mark of a successful relationship is that penetrative sex is doing to stop at some point ;-) although I appreciate normally a bit later on.

My DH was very supportive and didn't really get cross. My libido was low at times (another side effect of one of my medications) which didn't help. He got a bit annoyed at lack of intimacy so I did try and make an effort to do what we could.

I think for you after so long together it is pretty crap to be thinking of leaving someone for what is a medical reason. I can understand its difficult as its not clear cut for you whether you can or can't.

For me it was very clear and it was physically not possible.

OP, I am sorry to hear this. You have asked for input from men, but may I comment as a woman please? Lesbians have happy and successful relationships and sex lives without penetrative sex. There is far more to sex than penetration, lots more.

Surely this is a slightly pointless comment, some lesbians might use toys or not, but either way it was a not a question pointed towards lesbians.?

@acpk55 - I know the thread was not about lesbians, but lesbian women are people who can live without penetrative sex and enjoy a happy sex life. It was an analogy to show empathy with the OP.

To coin a phrase, "there is more than one way of skinning a cat" and yes, I know that this thread is not about skinning cats either (thankfully).

No probs if you disagree.

Hiya, one of the finest bits of sex in my life was with a GF who wouldn't go 'all the way', 45 years on I still think of her. A sex guide may help: there's a lot you can do! Do it!

Not had sex for 2 years due to DW health issues, we had a good chat as she understands I still have needs. It’s now down to masturbation sessions for me and she is ok with that. I will normally tell her and invite her to participate or watch. Home alone is a good time but will just do it when needs must. She has walked in /caught me on many occasions will watch but not get involved perhaps one day things might change. Here’s hoping

My thoughts and best wishes are with you both.

Why does your DW have to be ok for you to masturbate?

As a man PIV is important, but not an absolute BJ,mastubation, and sex toys could all play a part
The most important thing is you tell him you desire him, and you want to be with him emotionally and physically until hopefully things get sorted

M here (and name change)
DW has had chronic menopause symptoms, previous breast cancer rules out hormone treatment. Sex life has dwindled to almost nothing for 3years. Also hysterectomy last year DW has struggled greatly…. has eliminated all lust and desire.
I desperately miss sex and physical intimacy especially when it’s not welcomed (hormones) and never initiated by her.
we have talked many times…. never ends well as she feels blamed for medical issues. She feels awful when I masturbate so it’s solo. I have resorted to porn for sexual stimulation but find it unsatisfactory. Tried to talk about exploring options and seeking more medical routes but she doesn’t feel feminine or sexual in any way….. also opening up marriage to help me.
After 3 years ….it’s been so long ED has set in. Actively seeking out ‘dating’ sites for a FWB to help re-ignite my libido
Its tough. Neither of us is happy with our sex lives (was fabulous 5 years ago) and both struggling to come to terms of the impact. Of course we still love each other and we will stay together for each other and for our children….. it’s just sex and intimacy that we really have lost.
I haven’t met anyone fora FWB but I am open for something discreet and with everyone aware and accepting….. if that’s at all possible???