His sexual fantasies are taking over

[Cantthinkofit]

Ok, so basically been together a few years and had crazy wild passionate and varied sexual experience. But for me, at the heart of it, is our desire for each other. Knowing he wants me, crazy for me, thinking of me. And we had that, and it was a massive turn on. I only want him and have sexual desire for him. A couple of years ago he wanted to explore fantasies and we did, roleplay and other stuff. His biggest fantasy is other women, me talking about them, watching porn etc. we are at a distance so about 50% of our sex life is on the phone. The problem is when discussing it back then I said I was worried it would take over. I prefer stuff like that to be in a box, take it out sometimes. It’s basically taken over. Every time I get horny he starts role playing talking about other women. I was so open to all of it, and have enjoyed it all with him, but it’s starting to piss me off that he can’t just focus on me and on us. I send him pictures tel him how much I want him. I get the same back, says I’m sexy, loves my pictures etc etc but seems the cherry on the cake for him is, let’s start talking about other women, send me some pictures of women, let’s watch porn etc. it’s evident to me that that’s really a good shag for him. Although he says the right things and makes me feel I’m the only one he loves, says I’m beautiful and he likes my body etc, it’s not really enhancing anything anymore, I’m starting to feel undesired. If it was 50% of the time that would be great, but I go to loads of effort to give him full on kink and he doesn’t make the effort to plan anything for me that’s just us. We’ve discussed it in the past and he’s said I’m not going with the flow, so last six months I’ve just let it go how it goes. I’m starting to feel like I can’t be arsed to have sex anymore. I love sex, and I love him, and I crave and desire closeness and to feel his full desire for me as US. Not as two characters, and not with talk or images of other women. I’ve realised I’m losing my will to engage even though I’m very sexually attracted to him. If I bring it up again it’s so black and white to him that he’ll say I’m not giving willingly and act like I am banning it. That’s not the case, I do enjoy those times with him, just want balance. When we’ve done something like that, I expect the next time or at least a couple times later for him to give me all I want with it, with no mention of other naked women. By nature I am monogamous, straight, and sex is about love to me. He’s so crazy about me in all ways showing so much attention, but in my head I’m always thinking, it’s because I give all he wants. What I want is balance, but I don’t want to hurt him or make him feel like he’s not satisfying me, or give the impression I don’t want to explore what makes him happy. I just want him to want that, to want us.

🚩 🚩🚩

Hills are over there 👉🏻

Seriously OP, in the same way you can’t force yourself to want something you aren’t fussed on, neither can he. And why would he? You’ve been indulging his fantasies so it’s the best of all worlds for him.

He’ll never change really and I think you know that, deep down.

Don’t let him take any more years from you. There are men out there that will treat you how you deserve to be treated. I’m

Blimey , never heard of paragraphs ?

Yes I’ve heard of paragraphs. Just all came out at once as I didn’t even know how to express it.

It’s a shame the other thread was deleted because you had a much better response there. As I said before it should be a mutual thing. This sounds entirely one sided.

Yes I agree, I didn’t realise they would delete it, as it falls into both categories I was trying to get different perspectives. A bit gutted that the answers are gone when there were quite a few to mull over.

Op he doesn't worship you or crave you alone
Sadly he knows you indulge his kink and go the extra mile
He doesn't do the same for you how ever
Maybe it's time to reign it in and set some boundaries
But you are trying to do that and he's sulking and arguing with yiu
Think it's time yiu looked after you and found some one nearer and more
Compatible, great sex is fine, but after a while unless there's other things to fall back on like a connection mentally, then there's nothing

Great comments and thanks. Regarding something else to fall back on/ great sex, everything else we share is all boxes ticked, beyond anything I could expect.

This is my only issue in the relationship. The way I’m wired I wouldn’t even be interested in him sexually if there wasn’t a great connection in terms of real love, shared interests, amazing conversation, same humour, just a sense of belonging. This is my issue and something that’s been starting to grate on me lately!

There’s loads to fall back on, if we couldn’t have sex, we’d still have a whole lot going for us. Having all of that is what makes me feel the passion for him to begin with.

Yeah I have thought the same, like, he was so into me and still expresses that all the time, and the way I’m wired I’m opposite to him in that the thought of sex with someone I don’t love repulses me, and I’ve only had one other sexual partner in my life and I’m 45. So I’ve really been trying here to not be threatened by it or see it from my perspective but to try to understand him as a person. It’s easy to understand him as a person with everything else as we think so the same on 95% of things.

I think you just need to sit down and have an honest conversation with him. Tell him you don’t want him to not mention these fantasies at all but not all the time.

We’ll all the sh** hit the fan, and now he feels attacked and like I’m saying we have a rubbish intimate life.

Sounds really crap OP. What do you, honestly, as a straight woman get from indulging his fantasy about other women?

Is he straight too? Does he like to hear your fantasies about other men?

Your sexuality and desire is just as important as his. I don't think it's just that sex is about love for you. I'm someone who does separate love from sex but I couldn't partake in a one-sided fantasy like this. Even though sex is just sex for me, I need it to be a real, mutual, consensual experience and I need us both to really desire each other. It can be a big turn off if "just you" ceases to be enough for a partner.

What you've been putting up with would grate on me too. And now you have an answer of sorts. If he went into attack mode rather than trying to understand how you feel and why you feel the way you do, you've got an insight into the future for you.

If he doesn't reflect on what you've told him and come back with a whole-hearted apology and a genuine understanding of your perspective then you have a decision to make.

But even so I'd be thinking really hard about whether I wanted to continue if that was his initial reaction. And when fantasies aren't 'contained' it will always be you, him and the fantasy in the relationship and what partner could feel that they were 'enough' or even 'the everything' in that scenario?

Literally haven’t even intimated anything with him in weeks now, and we’ve had great loving chats. When we’ve got horny it’s talking about other women so I’ve just kind of shut it down nicely, because we’ve had a long run of it. Just said love you too, want you too, you’re so naughty blah blah blah, must sleep now babe, etc. it’s like he hasn’t even noticed. It’s sweet goodnights. No arguing on it, not asking me why I’m clearly not up for intimacy. I just wanted to feel fully desired and him make the effort for a change. I love a bit of fantasy with him but I need to “reclaim his full desire” and when I feel that way, I feel that way! I said that to him after the last fantasy time and he said “you’ve already fully got me anyway” but hasn’t made any attempt since to give me a night I would want. So the other day I sent him some pictures of me (he never asks for pictures of me but other women) obviously I got all the compliments etc, oh he wants me I’m so sexy. Then straight away it’s “have the other naughty girls told you what I do to *** etc. so I respond and it’s all naughty, but I feel my desire ebbing. So by the time it’s bed time I’m just like yawn, not up for a texting marathon of me writing fantasies basically. So I just say, babe I’m so wanting you, but I’m so wanting you alone so we should just probably sleep. So he says, ah ok darling, I hope you sleep well.

I’m not a passive person, I can be sexually seductive and aggressive with it in a good way, but having faced rejection before when he wanted the other stuff, I’m kind of done with doing that, I know it and feel it, that I want him to initiate or be responsive to me and leave the other stuff out of it.

like someone said, Im so happy to do that stuff with him, just could do with him having a think about what I really want from this.

he seems to think being loving and affectionate and a good friend and loyal etc is giving me what I want, and it is, but no point giving me all that love, saying nice thing, saying I’m beautiful and sexy and not following through. In person he does that, and it can be romantic and very naughty alone, but I haven’t seen him for 2 months due to him travelling, I’m needing the love from him.

so last night which was the night after the “I would want you alone” “ok goodnight darling”, we are texting and he says he loves me so much, I said I love you too, and he said “even though I like other

so I just broke and said, yes of course always, but I do in all honestly wish you didn’t talk about it so much. He said oh I’m so sorry, I’m an idiot, but then just changed the topic to “did you manage to get your stuff done today that you needed to do” etc, mundane, like sex talk over. So I elaborated. I said, look I just feel like I’m horny for you so much and want closeness but there are times I really can’t hear about other women, it’s like it gets in the way of my desire. It’s like it’s off the table at a distance if I don’t feel in the mood for that other stuff. He said, I apologised and now you’re just being nasty like I don’t give you so much love, and you’re lying what you’re saying is not true. I said, I drop hints, I outright state what I want and then we are going to sleep. It feels like without that stuff you aren’t interested anymore and we had a very passionate sexy relationship, so I feel low because of it. The fantasies are NOT off the table, I just need it to be balanced, to be seduced sometimes and feel like I’m everything to you. Clearly his feelings were hurt, he’s very black and white, he said I’m a fake, a pretender, I’m exaggerating, and we should “just be friends”

I said, we are friends. Friends talk to other friends about people they want to fuck and fancy.

it went a bit downhill from there.

clearly his ego is hurt and he wants things all his way.

I wonder if part of the problem the 50% of sex done on the telephone?

Do you enjoy telephone interaction?

Is he a consumer of sexual content, maybe it makes him more interested with the fantasies....?

This is really difficult. His focus should be directed at "you" primarily. I can understand fantasies, we all have them, but I don't understand the preoccupation with "other women" to such an extent, especially if you have a long distance relationship.

I do enjoy telephone interaction, he’s very creative and so am I and it feels good. But at the beginning it was pictures and voice messages and calls, naughty fantasies we’d like to do just to two of us, lots of variety in that and feeling really wanted and sexy. Even giving him the fantasy stuff that was a bit out of my way of thinking made me feel like I was satisfying him and I found enjoyable. I didn’t find it enjoyable feeling like I’m losing him to that stuff, and that at times he’d rather sleep than have one to one. I can’t remember the last time we had phone one to one without mentions of other females. I want him to feel free sexually to express himself, but it’s making me feel a bit like he’s not going to bed thinking of me, he’s going to bed thinking of the stories I’m going to tell him to get him off. I’m very sexually giving and open to try anything, I’m attractive enough, did modelling when I was younger, tall slim, average sized breasts, hips. I think he prefers (although denies it) the more curvy larger woman with big breasts. He professes to just like variety. To be honest I feel sick and like a buzzkill and like I could have approached this a different way

Fun on the phone can be very enjoyable, but It seems as though you are doing all of the sacrificing here, entertaining a quirky fantasy, or perhaps more, whilst he ignores the importance of "real time" interactions, whether telephonically mediated or otherwise. Good sex is about a 2-way interaction, even phone sex, and the persistent introduction of "other women", can only leave you feeling inevitably inadequate. Once or twice for variety, I can understand, but all of the time is troubling. Phone sex is immediate and intimate, so ought to be targeted at the "actual" partner ideally.

You know, I love fulfilling his fantasies and it makes me feel so good. Coming up with naughty creative stories sometimes for hours where anything goes and really turning him on. But I think I’ve made him addicted to it. We’ve done dress up, and roleplay and I think he’s addicted to that also. Domination and submission. Really I can’t think of anything we haven’t done, I love all of it. But other women can’t just be one of those fantasies and with him, they have to come into everything. They seem to be a main event, and I’d prefer for them to be in a box, to come out, frequently sure. I wouldn’t even mind 80% of the time. At the moment I’m getting zero one on one desire unless in person, and even then half the time it’s fantasy. In person watching stuff and talking about stuff feels exciting and fun anyway. The thing is sex is so much more to me than just exciting fun. Sure I get the cuddles after and we do other romantic stuff but I guess I’m asking to be seduced. Something along the lines of he’s thinking about me and wanting me and him doing the work and me responding for a change to I can enjoy it and feel totally wanted and all of his focus. But to raise it makes him feel Im “calling him a pervert” “ungrateful for his love” “nasty” and I’m not being nasty at all.

He’s in denial and thinks that buttering me up first and making me feel sexy, and making me cum to what he wants to do to me is enough, and then on to me making him cum to me and others. He doesn’t get it that I want his desire, not just his romantic love and making me cum. I want to feel like his true desire. I feel I am his true desire for to quote him “how exciting and creative I am” “how open I am to everything and how giving I am” sure he compliments my body and calls me beautiful. But why can’t he just be as obsessed with me as with this stuff.

I’d be happy with one night a week of just us with no mentions of other women. Initiated by him, because he wants it.

One night a week of just us with no mentions of other women. Initiated by him, because he wants it, sounds perfectly reasonable. If you've raised It with him, I'm struggling to understand why It persists so often in your fun. Now and again good fun, but repeatedly, must get boring and predictable, although you seem remarkably giving.

Not sure if "Other women" is 100% your problem. You say you want to be seduced and desired and put at the forefront of his mind.....
Lots of women don't get that from their partner and its not always the man's fault. It can be miscommunication and for some reason, the female partner doesn't feel "desired" enough. It's hard to unravel, even sex counselling might help if it's getting to be a dealbr3aker.

But he did give me that, and I gave him that. And if he has the energy for all nighters talking about his fantasies, he has the energy to think about what pleases me also. And he does. But I want an evening with not a hint of another women in any of it, and he seems to struggle with that. I have the energy to create elaborate naughty fantasies for him, he can find the energy to listen to me and what I want. Otherwise sex doesn’t feel like it’s about love or really wanting each other. Like anyone could be texting him that stuff.

I desire closeness with it. I don’t think about other men and the thought of any other man near me makes my skin crawl. I’ve tried to get into his world and not let it affect my emotions, and I want the same back. Without my naughty stories we wouldn’t even have a sex life anymore at a distance.

It sounds boring to me OP, it's fun as an occasional things but when it's all the bloody time it's just boring and one sided - and you're not allowed to bring that up or you'll upset the poor little diddums. He's obsessed with you because it's all one big fantasy to him, none of it is really real and it all sounds pretty immature and dysfunctional to me.

Have you lived together at all over the three years? If not then I wouldn't be surprised if this relationship has only lasted this long because of the distance.

Sweetie, I hear you, and truly I hope you don't take this in the wrong way. But you know he would probably have to pay a great deal to a professional for the kind of unreciprocal services you are currently providing him with gratis.