No sex in over 3 years

[DGConsultant]

Hi all,
Frequent commenter, first time poster, though I've not been around in a while.
Bloke, 36, single, good job, although that might change with redundancies at my firm and the macroeconomic climate, but sadly no sex in far too long. Honestly, you get used to It, so I'm not wining.
It would be fair to say that I badly need a physical relationship, but would prefer to go down the "traditional" dating route.
I've tried most things, ruled out work, complications and unprofessional, I go out but no success, I put this down to me not expecting to meet someone and this being non-verbally communicated, and finally online dating just turns me off, time wasters and no real opportunity to indulge in back and forth, go no where text games.
I'm also totally blind, and this must be a genuine factor in me not being lucky in the dating game and not getting laid as often as I'd like.
No escorts, couldn't stomach paying for sex!
!
The question is, what the hell should I do to solve this implacable problem!... I'm fucked if I'm not going to shag ever again...
Solutions gratefully accepted...
Best!

This sounds really tricky and I can imagine how frustrating it is for you.

Ive never used dating apps but have heard they are hard work.
How have you met people in the past?
Do you have any hobbies where you might meet someone? Is there anything you’ve fancied doing which you might not have tried yet?

I’ve done a quick google and Henshaws have this guide. I expect you’ve read it.

https://www.henshaws.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Dating-with-Sight-Loss-eBook-final.pdf

A lot of dating apps are quite visual and some totally inaccessible, bumble for example. Maybe I need to expand hobbies, but very tough. Not easily solved, people are nice don't get me wrong, women in particular, but there's a chasm between people acting "nice", and wanting to date you/sleep with you. Online dating tried that, got some lovely dates, but a lot of time wasting, and silly nonsense, sometimes. A lot of work for a guy as well, sending loads of messages, which is great if you have the time, but I don't, not always. I'm stumped, to be honest. Given up with It entirely, almost.

Don’t give up!! You are a beautiful person, inside and out keep hope alive that you will be sharing your life and love with someone soon!

I think eye contact is such an important factor when people meet for the first time, it’s part of flirting, eye gaze length increases etc and unfortunately you’re unable to utilise that. Women could well be flirting with you and you’re unaware.

I’m at a loss what else to suggest. Is it a prejudice thing? That would be awful, if so.

Big hugs xx

Maybe a break from the apps then.
Focus on trying something you’ve always wanted to do perhaps? Ideally something with men and women. I hear you, with lack of time, it might feel less pressured just to do something fun for yourself though.

Is there any kind of blind community? I know there is for Deaf people, it might be helpful to speak to others who understand the challenges you face.

After coming out of a 16yr relationship and all friends married limited my options to get out and meet anyone (I'm 47 by the way) I bit the bullet and tried a few dating apps. It's easier for blokes to use as women get the idiots who send dick pics etc where us blokes don't get the hassle. I was apprehensive but I know of a few who have been successful so I sorted a profile and got scrolling/swiping. Got a reply from 1 girl and we chatted for 3wks (exchanged numbers to chat on WhatsApp) and arranged a date. Fast forward 3 yrs and we now live together. Get on there you've got nothing to lose.

Being honest, you sound a bit entitled. No one owes you sex.

I’ve seen some of your posts on here, both ones that stand and ones that have been deleted and you don’t always come across well. That’s likely to cross over into real life and put women off.

You need to look at how you’re coming across to women if you want to meet someone. Every woman I know likes respectful men, no sleaze, (posting on a hook up thread on a parenting site would put a lot of women off if they knew), no oversharing, no negative no woe is me types.

Agree with previous poster I'm afraid.

Do you want a relationship with someone @DGConsultant or is it just about the sex?

Well, I did ask for suggestions and never averse to feedback, so thanks for the comments. I'd not consider myself as being "entitled", or not coming across well, but for all I know, the critique is a fair one. More about the relationship to be honest, sex would be a natural extension of the relationship. If just about sex, I'd just sort some other way, and after 3 years, that would b the easy option. But can't stomach. I've got lots of women friends, but the general premise is that they tend to ignore you in a relationship/romantic sense, It is very common in the "blind community", so my experience is by no means a unique one, and in real life, I don't push/ask out/ make a move, unless really, really obvious, for fear of offending. Online Isn't real-life, guys and girls, but thanks for the feedback...

That’s twice you’ve mentioned paying for sex. Although you’ve said you wouldn’t, for decent men, the thought wouldn’t even be there. These women who work in the sex ‘industry’ are often vulnerable. It’s not just an easy option and any man that thinks that is disgusting. It leads me to think you don’t have any real respect for women. Also, many women don’t like being called ‘girls’.

I don’t think it has as much to do with being blind, more to do with your attitude. Address it if you want things to change for you.

@RecordsTurning , again thanks for the feedback and flaming. "guys and girls", not intending to offend, dear god, just an off hand approximation, men and women, then. I haven't, or wouldn't pay a "woman" for sex. Well aware that many of these women are being trafficked and are vulnerable. Conversely, some love the industry and are making a fabulous living out of It. Some people go to swingers clubs, some can't stand them, some people like cooking, some don't. I have no intention of getting into an online argument with a total stranger, the world is not black and white, but thanks for your contribution here.

@RecordsTurning , just don't want to argue here, It is just a fact, some do, and some actually enjoy the lifestyle. It's sad that this is true, but It is a fact, nevertheless. Not a thread to discuss the merits of sex work, but hey ho... I'll think on your comments.

I was sympathetic until you suggested there are women that enjoy being sexually exploited.

I'm not recommending It, nor saying that's a good thing, better if no one had to do It, But I'm merely saying that It is a fact that a minority of women and men likewise must enjoy sex work in some capacity, if that is there life-style choice. Not something I'd want for a partner/sister/loved one... obviously. Arguments are a bit reductive here.

Their

Yes. It’s quite obvious why women stay away from certain men.

that is there life-style choice.

Lifestyle choice? Are you for real?

Do you think it’s a ‘choice’ that Princess Catherine or Taylor Swift considers? It seems to only be poor women, I wonder why that is? 🤔

Your views on the sex industry are severely misinformed.

To be honest, I've only got myself to blame here. If you post in a public forum, you can expect all kinds of comments. Take care and enjoy your lives, all!

Hi DG, have you ruled out disability/accessible dating sites? Googling found some for blind people specifically. Just a thought. You'd be meeting potential partners who would have other ways, like you, of making contact without eye contact and photos. Good luck.

JayWayney , that's a potential solution and one chosen by many people. For me, that would be confining yourself to a "blind" ghetto and severely restricting the chance of meeting potentially fantastic partners. Online dating is hard, you get lots of inquisitive questions, It is a genuine challenge, but if I was to focus purely on "disability sites", you'd be perpetuating an "us and them" mentality, which isn't a fabulous thing to do. It has Its benefits, but also significant drawbacks. Both blind men and women find this difficult.

How masculine are you @DGConsultant ? I find that disabled men are only sexually attractive if they're really masculine. It's as though the disability is emasculating and they have to compensate for it by being super masculine in all other areas.

I hope you're not offended by that sentiment. I think sexual attraction can be quite primitive and doesn't really recognise modern innovations like political correctness. On the other hand, living independently with a disability shows a lot of strength of character and that would be very attractive.

Do you lift? If I was you, I'd go to the gym and get built, maybe get a few quality, tasteful tattoos also. Get your clothes on point, some nice cologne. It sounds like you have a good career and money, so that always helps. Just generally lean into your masculinity. It will make you feel sexier and more confident and that alone will attract women.

I'm probably going to get shot down now for being shallow.

That's not shallow, just realistic. I live alone, independently in London. I think I won't get the tattoos, but everything else is a very good suggestion. I dress smartly, particularly for work, but also casually, skinny jeans and when out and about nice shirts. I go to the gym, I don't lift excessively, but that's something I should do more of, definitely. I'm approachable and confident, or at least that's what most women tell me. This is just something that is, by definition, hard to do. Not impossible, but challenging.

To be honest, I'm not a big fan of tattoos as a lot of them are badly done, plus the people who get them tend towards being a bit narcissistic, short-term thinkers. But they definitely make you look more masculine, so that's why I suggested them.

The super-built bulging muscles look is mainly appreciated by gay men. For most women, the ideal male body is lean and muscular, like a swimmer's physique. I'd work towards achieving that.

I'd get rid of the skinny jeans. They're a bit old-fashioned now, quite feminising I think and men who have even a tiny bit of weight on them don't look good in them. Given your age and professional background, I'd probably adopt a classic style: something that looks mature, masculine and expensive. Maybe a trusted female friend could assist you to pick some new clothes out. Nowadays there are loads of resources online about male styling. The right clothes can make you look taller, slimmer and more attractive.

Build as many skills as you can, as skillful, competent men are sexually attractive to many heterosexual women. Get as fit as you can and engage it active hobbies. Too many men spend their idle hours passively consuming sportsball or porn. It's not sexy.

I can't really advise about the best way to ask someone out as I've never done that, I just know what's attractive. I'd just say, avoid cold approaches. Most women hate those. Plan a proper date and pick up the bill: it's a turn on when the man takes charge. Women love to feel beautiful so compliment her voice, perfume, etc.

Also watch out for co-dependent women who want to be your career and low self esteem women who think you'll be less likely to cheat because you're blind.

I've been running a lot recently in Greenwich park, so I'll keep that up. Skinny jeans in the bin then, didn't even consider that. When I tried online dating I tried the Guardian, primarily because of screen reader accessibility. Yes I picked up the bill, but some women really don't like that, and want to pay half, or they don't like to think that they owe men anything, which they definitely don't. Where possible and It's wanted, you'd pick up the bill and plan something fun for both, of course. Genuine complements, where wanted, that's a very obvious thing to do. Voice is a major turn on, as is nice perfume, and the same rings true for some nice Cologne, which I use regularly. I'm quite slim, but I could be built more, more lifting in the gym might help. You'll always get the people who have the view that "I'd never date a blind guy", and I got that a lot, even on the Guardian. You can't change minds there, and I'd not try.