Escorts?

[UnstableCatastrophe]

I am an older than average female virgin, never even had a boyfriend, been kissed etc. You think it'll happen, it doesn't and all of a sudden it's a huge deal and you can't get past it. I always believed that sex, especially first-time sex, should be somewhat special. That may be an outdated theory these days but it's ingrained in me now.

I would like to start exploring relationships but my lack of experience is putting me off - and I assume would put men off too. I know you're going to say, noone needs to know but I'm pretty sure it would be painfully obvious.

Part of me is considering using an escort or similar service to show me the ropes. I know I might be able to find a guy at a club but I don't want that. I don't want someone who is just out to get laid but if I start dating someone I'll have to explain (and I will) and I'll probably catch feelings way too quickly. And also, I guess most guys would be wary of being a virgins first for that and a whole host of reasons?

So, my thinking is ... I could pay someone to show me. I know I"ll be paying for it, which makes it not special, but at least I'll be able to tell them the score, they can take their time and won't be expecting much from me.

My question is, where do I look?

Honestly, I really doubt any potential partner would be able to tell or even care about your lack of previous partners. I'm sure many would find it a positive tbh.

Why pay a sex worker? They may show you one way but I doubt they'd bother with coaching you regarding technique etc. There's plenty of tips online.

The goal imo is to find a loving partner, someone you find very attractive and vice versa. The physical side will just progress naturally. Just get on online dating sites. Good luck.

If I was out on a date with someone and they told me they were a virgin it would have no bearing at all on how I intended the rest of the night to go.

If they are in to you then they won't care if you have slept with no one or 200 men!

I honestly don't think that as part of a developing relationship you telling a man you are a virgin as it gets near to being relevant would phase him at all.

It wouldn't bother me

How old are you Op? I think if you are 21, 41 or 61 it makes a difference as to how to approach the issue of losing one’s virginity. I ask sympathetically having felt I was an ancient virgin (which in hindsight I absolutely was not).

Please for the love of God don’t pay someone. You are worth more than this.

@SteadyGrasshopper I'm early 40's, so definitely an ancient virgin! @Surplus2requirements @Yorkieboy - I find it hard to believe you wouldn't be put off by that number.

I think it really does change things. Guys will already know what they like and then I rock up knowing nothing, zero, and it'll be crap. I guess I'm also very aware that guys mostly just want sex and how big of a deal sex is to them. And... if I do tell them that I'm a virgin... will they see it as a challenge then piss off. If I don’t tell them, it could be really crap - and they'll piss off. I'll feel like shit either way.

@Janiie I signed up for OLD - it's full of guys who are looking casual encounters or are married.

I wanted special but it's too late for that now. I just think it would be easier to hire someone who I can tell straight away but is there to do a job so I don’t have to worry about his intentions.

@UnstableCatastrophe for me the greatest part of a sexual relationship is learning about the others body and pleasure. Everyone is different and sex is very different with different people...if its always the same it's not very good because someone isn't paying attention.

There isn't a checklist of skills to learn for good sex.

Female 40s here., sexually active since my teens. I would imagine (I say imagine because I've never paid for sex) that the difference between passionate sex and "bought" sex is similar to the difference between you buying something for yourself and someone giving you a lovely present.

I also don't agree that because you pay for something it will be better.

OP, as an alternative do you have a single male friend who could help assist you here? It would require trust and respect which you should get from a friend. I've always been of the school of thought that there is nothing wrong in having sex with a good friend. That is, as long as you both know the score from the outset.

Regardless, you do not owe anyone an explanation about your experience or lack of it.

Whichever option you go down, one important word, Condom! You don't want to end up pregnant or with an STI after your first time around.

Good luck OP. x

@StarlightLady thank you. I don't think paying for it would make the physical act better or more pleasing, certainly not the special I've been holding out for, perhaps just easier.

The only male friends I have are married or partnered up so that isn't an option.

I do wish I had a less emotional approach to sex. I wish it were less of a big thing to me.

Or maybe it just isn't meant to happen for me.

I was going to suggest asking a male friend too but can see that isn’t possible. I think you shouldn’t pay for sex but I do understand why you are considering it. However I think doing so is likely to taint your sexual confidence in the future.

If I was in your position I would go on some of the online hook up (rather than dating) sites often mentioned on this forum and start chatting to guys on there. Be upfront and honest about what you are looking for. Say you are seeking a friend with benefits rather than a one off thing. I would be upfront about being inexperienced (without actually stating you’re a virgin) and say that’s why you are looking for a FWB - so you can get more experience.

If you strike up a chat and you want to meet them I would tell them you are a virgin beforehand. Sure it might be a deal breaker for some but not for all and if you are upfront about being inexperienced from the go they are less likely to think it an issue.

Show you the ropes? I mean if you asked here we could pretty much teach you what you needed to know. Do you masturbate as knowing what you like is one of the biggest parts. Putting on an act can sometimes be a part of it too so when your doing oral more enthusiasm than perhaps you feel like doing as men love their egos being massaged along with other things.

I just.... don't want a FWB/FB. I've never understood the need to have sex with someone "just because". But then, I've never had sex, so maybe I don't get how good it can be?

I want a relationship with someone I have sex with. I don't want to just have sex with someone.

I've tried to be more open about having sex just for the sake of having it. I just don't get it. Even if I met someone I liked, I would still want to wait until I knew that it wasn't going to be just a quick fling. I don’t mean I'm holding out for marriage but just that what we are doing is about more than sex.

It's a naive view to hold, because I read about how sexual chemistry is a big part of a relationship - but again, because I haven't experienced it, it isn't a big part of it for me.

I'm not sure where my views on sex came from, it wasn't drummed into me by parents, it's not a religious thing. It's just a belief I've always had. And it's fucking hard to let go of

Thank you. I could get tips anywhere online but reading about doing something and actually doing it are two very different things.

@SteadyGrasshopper - can you PM me those sites? Maybe it's worth looking into.

@UnstableCatastrophe I am out of date with hook up sites as I am in a LTR. It would be the equivalent of me recommending Friends Reunited or MySpace! 😊

There are plenty of threads on the sex topic with people asking for recommended sites for a FWB so check out the more recent ones.

I agree a relationship is lovely and I hope if that’s what you opt for that you find someone who makes you feel amazing. However if you choose to lose your virginity in the absence of a relationship a FWB is (in my opinion) far better than using an escort and you said you didn’t want a ONS which is the other alternative (and again can be easily found on a hook up site or on a night out).

Whatever you decide I wish you well.

I understand @SteadyGrasshopper . Thank you.

Save your money, spend it on yourself. The concept of being a virgin is only really applicable if we are centering the penis, or viewing women as "unspoiled". It's over, really.

There are plenty of lesbians who wouldn't consider themselves to be virgins, who have never been anywhere near a penis.

Penis in Vagina sex is only one aspect of sex, if indeed you choose to make it so. Concentrate on meeting someone you get on with, who you find attractive, and then get to know them and their body, and vice versa. At some point you might want to have penetrative sex, you might not. But take it down off the pedestal it's on for you, it's literally just body parts that feel good.

Good luck!

I agree with @GiveOverRover - the whole concept of "virgin" and "lost virginity" was male created to make women think that they were being defiled.

I became sexually active around my 15th birthday, can't remember if i was 14 or 15 to be precise, (I'm in my 40s now and not scarred for life so no judge comments from others please), and enjoyed those years.

But regardless as to whether your first time is 15 or 50, if it is with enthusiastic consent that age difference does not alter things, just let yourself go when you feel the time is right and the person is right.

Most men would love a partner who's a virgin OP, I've heard that some are outright looking for one. Unless you're insanely horny I suggest just going on dates via OLD or whatever and developing relationships like everyone else. Best wishes.

Thanks @GiveOverRover and @StarlightLady.

It's funny, there was a thread just a while ago in Relationships - now removed due to it being started by a previously banned troll - about a woman dating a man who wanted to have sex with other women because he'd been a virgin until he was 31yo. Regardless of why it was created or removed, a lot of the replies were the same "31yo virgin... red flag, run. There must be something wrong with him."

That's what I'm up against.

@UnstableCatastrophe if think replies in that thread would have been coloured by several things. For one he was a man which will always attract more judgement here and for another he was wanting to be unfaithful in a relationship.
Yours is a very different situation and I still honestly think the vast majority of men would not have any problem with discovering you are a virgin.
Some would see it as an ego boost that you had chosen them.
Most wouldn't consider it much at all beyond thinking they'd need to be a little more careful and considerate.

@Surplus2requirements Ah yes the poor men getting judged more harshly. That thread was total bs and the replies reflected it.

Let’s not pretend men get judged more harshly, they simply get judged on their behaviour. Men will get judged as they should here if they come out with shit which many of them do. Things like minimising abuse or coercing women for example don’t go down well. There’s plenty of men who try to spread narratives here which are harmful to women, if you choose to interpret that as men getting judged more, you’re wrong and just trying to spread yet more false narrative. Most people are fair and just say what they see. Some men just don’t like that. TOUGH!

Your reply is incredibly unhelpful to a woman who is fearful of being judged and your narrative is harmful to that woman.

MN is a woman centric forum and all power to it but to deny the obvious in this case that men and women are judged differently is reinforcing the unfounded fear of a woman.

If you wish to attack me fair enough but don't use the fear of another woman to do so...that's disgusting.

Surplus2requirements

My reply was to you. Nothing to do with OP. You said men get judged more harshly here and it’s not true. There are just more women to to call the bullshit out where their voices may be drowned out elsewhere. Same judgement, just easier to hear.

I’m not attacking you, I’m challenging your view as it’s not true. Most posters are very fair.

Look anywhere on the forum and you'll see women calling out harsh judgement of men by saying 'if the roles were reversed...'

Many men are full of bull and deserve to be called out but in this case the OP is worried men will judge her IRL like she was a man on a MN thread which simply isn't realistic.

She has taken throwaway comments about a virgin man (what the hell is wrong with him) on another thread that crashed and burned to heart and it is really unhelpful to give that concern credence.

There is nothing wrong with the OP being a virgin and the vast majority of men will not see it as a red flag. They might be a little surprised but would it put any decent man off of a developing relationship?

My view is absolutely not.