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Original poster

AIBU to ask for an open marriage

31 replies

Ochre247 · 04/05/2023 00:11

AIBU to ask for an open marriage when my husband has no sex drive whatsoever? Just wondered if anyone had tried this, and what their advice would be.

I have tried to regain the spark, he'll allow me to have sex with him, but he doesn't feel like an active participant, and that just drains my self esteem.

I have had a few 'liaisons' which satisfy my need for sex, but they're not regular nor long term.

Do you think it's better to continue to have occasional liaisons, or ask for an open marriage?

My husband is otherwise a good and dependable partner, and we enjoy each other's company. It just feels like a platonic friendship and I don't even feel like I'm cheating when I have my liaisons.

It's probably easier just to continue in a clandestine way rather than explicitly ask for openness.... but does anyone have any experience or advice they could share please? Thanks.

OP posts:
Oldtadger · 04/05/2023 07:27

Does he know about your liasons?

Oldtadger · 04/05/2023 07:29

And if his drive perks up with others how will you feel?

Original poster
Ochre247 · 04/05/2023 08:16

No he doesn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ochre247 · 04/05/2023 08:18

I’d be devastated that he wants to have sex with others but not me. I still find him attractive and would be happy to drop all the liaisons if he wanted intimacy.

OP posts:
Yorkieboy · 04/05/2023 10:14

If he says no would you stop meeting people or would it make you more determined to get sex elsewhere?

If you are happy with how everything else is and you think he will say no then my advice would be to carry on although how would you feel if he caught you?

goodf · 04/05/2023 11:38

I know just where you are coming from with this.

It's very difficult when your DH just doesn't always hit the spot sexually but is lovely in other ways.

I am also seeking sexual fulfilment elsewhere - in my case exploring with some like minded women xX

Oldtadger · 04/05/2023 12:30

Ochre247 · 04/05/2023 08:18

I’d be devastated that he wants to have sex with others but not me. I still find him attractive and would be happy to drop all the liaisons if he wanted intimacy.

There you go then. You are BU.

Either stay or move on but don't expect your cake and to eat it.

MovingonfromMartin · 04/05/2023 15:47

You are missing the point here @Oldtadger she is not getting cake at home. OP is saying she'd really rather have sex with her partner but that isn't on offer. She would, quite rightly, be upset if he was not wanting to have sex with her and was getting it elsewhere. That's entirely different.

Dizzyfizzylizzyy · 04/05/2023 16:17

Oldtadger · 04/05/2023 07:29

And if his drive perks up with others how will you feel?

But he doesn’t want to have sex with his DW, why is he going to want to have sex with others?

NoDatingForOldMen · 04/05/2023 18:35

Dizzyfizzylizzyy · 04/05/2023 16:17

But he doesn’t want to have sex with his DW, why is he going to want to have sex with others?

Show quote history

And why would he not want sex with others ?

there are often threads on this forum from women who don’t want sex with their husbands any more, but still have a sex drive, why should men be any different?

the op says he allows her to have sex with him , but does not feel like an active participant, so everything is still in working order, he just might not like having sex with his wife anymore

Dizzyfizzylizzyy · 04/05/2023 19:24

NoDatingForOldMen · 04/05/2023 18:35

And why would he not want sex with others ?

there are often threads on this forum from women who don’t want sex with their husbands any more, but still have a sex drive, why should men be any different?

the op says he allows her to have sex with him , but does not feel like an active participant, so everything is still in working order, he just might not like having sex with his wife anymore

Show quote history

No one is saying men should be any different. There is nothing in the OP that says he wants sex with others and if he did, clearly he needs to communicate that, not avoid sex and force a sexless marriage on his DW because he no longer wants to have sex with her.

brunettemic · 04/05/2023 19:27

I can’t see how that would end well, you’ve already got your kicks elsewhere and you want to carry on doing that, just with approval, whilst also depending on him for other things. Hardly sounds fair on him. I get that a lack of sex is a big issue but you need IMO to decide whether you want to stay without sex or leave to get sex.

Oldtadger · 04/05/2023 21:08

Dizzyfizzylizzyy · 04/05/2023 16:17

But he doesn’t want to have sex with his DW, why is he going to want to have sex with others?

Show quote history

The real answer is to explore properly why he is disinterested in his wife or sex generally then seek a solution.

The answer is not for the wife to cheat and then try to manoeuvre him into an open marriage which she clearly wants to be one sided.

Dizzyfizzylizzyy · 04/05/2023 22:12

Oldtadger · 04/05/2023 21:08

The real answer is to explore properly why he is disinterested in his wife or sex generally then seek a solution.

The answer is not for the wife to cheat and then try to manoeuvre him into an open marriage which she clearly wants to be one sided.

Show quote history

Nowhere did I say she should cheat. It would be one sided because her DH isn’t interested in sex and he’s given no indication he is.

Original poster
Ochre247 · 05/05/2023 07:48

Having spoken to him before, he does have some 'performance anxiety' due to his age, and has said that it's not me and that he just doesn't have sex drive. I hope that's true and that he's not just saying that to spare my feelings. I get affection, just not intimacy.

It's a super tricky situation. I think I'll not rock the boat, accept the relationship for what it is and carry on with 'liaisons' where the right opportunity arises.

OP posts:
goodf · 05/05/2023 09:12

@Ochre247 in a very similar situation, and what you have described is basically what I am doing too. Lovely DH but for an entirely sexless future existence is imho unreasonable.

Anotherlurkingmale · 05/05/2023 09:39

I wonder if you could gently test the waters on this by having a conversation along lines of saying you've seen an interesting documentary on open marriages (I'm sure Channel 4 or 5 have done recently!) and gauge his reaction. I guess what you're looking for is an idea on whether he'd be happy with this before suggesting it as serious proposal that you are actively looking to do.

Original poster
Ochre247 · 06/05/2023 22:44

@Anotherlurkingmale that's a really good idea thank you! I think I'll test the water with him just to see. I don't think it would be something he'd be ahoy with but you never know!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ochre247 · 06/05/2023 22:53

MovingonfromMartin · 04/05/2023 15:47

You are missing the point here @Oldtadger she is not getting cake at home. OP is saying she'd really rather have sex with her partner but that isn't on offer. She would, quite rightly, be upset if he was not wanting to have sex with her and was getting it elsewhere. That's entirely different.

Thank you and you've hit the nail exactly on the head! I kind of accept the lack of sex drive as just that, in. It happy about it of course but... just as long as it's that alone! If, on the other hand, it's that he just wants a platonic relationship with me whilst finding others attractive and 'arousing' then I'd end the relationship as then he'd only be staying out of a misguided sense of loyalty, and also because he likes the fun and active lifestyle that I offer him. It's hard because I look at him and really fancy him and want to be intimate and it's a bit of a self confidence hit that he doesn't feel the same. It's a tricky situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Ochre247 · 06/05/2023 22:56

brunettemic · 04/05/2023 19:27

I can’t see how that would end well, you’ve already got your kicks elsewhere and you want to carry on doing that, just with approval, whilst also depending on him for other things. Hardly sounds fair on him. I get that a lack of sex is a big issue but you need IMO to decide whether you want to stay without sex or leave to get sex.

That's of course what is tricky. We have a nice friendship and a good lifestyle and I'd have to give that up (I am capable of being financially independent... it's not the money) it's the social element. Someone to share my life with, even if it's in a platonic way!

OP posts:
Oldtadger · 07/05/2023 12:13

Ochre247 · 06/05/2023 22:53

Thank you and you've hit the nail exactly on the head! I kind of accept the lack of sex drive as just that, in. It happy about it of course but... just as long as it's that alone! If, on the other hand, it's that he just wants a platonic relationship with me whilst finding others attractive and 'arousing' then I'd end the relationship as then he'd only be staying out of a misguided sense of loyalty, and also because he likes the fun and active lifestyle that I offer him. It's hard because I look at him and really fancy him and want to be intimate and it's a bit of a self confidence hit that he doesn't feel the same. It's a tricky situation

Show quote history

I do understand however the request for an 'Open' marriage is by default for both parties. Hence my question about how the OP would feel if her partner chose to have sex with others as an Open relationship allows.

I think the best solution is to fully understand why the partner is not interested and seek a solution. If it's hormonal then meds nay help, if he simply doesn't fancy her then you have a different starting point.

Liaisons will only end up in tears. Go to any of the infidelity forums and you'll see that.

If after examination and understanding there isn't a solution within that relationship then look at alternatives. Stay together and be open, be celibate or separate.

Lying is helping noone long term.

Citygal3 · 07/05/2023 14:49

My DH gave me the green light for this as his sex drive had fallen off a cliff and he just wasn’t/isn’t interested. He was never really that interested and hasn’t been in previous relationships either. it caused the end of his first marriage. He is a great husband in all other ways though and a great dad to our daughter. However, over time, it did damage my self esteem.

In the end he just said “look I can’t expect you to stay celibate because I don’t want sex so as long as you don’t flaunt it in my face or fall in love (easier said than done) if you want to find that elsewhere you can. At that point we had had sex once in 4 years and Less than 10 times in 10 years.

it is however a tricky situation to find yourself in. I love him and he loves me but this side of our relationship was just dead really.

That was around 3 years ago. In that time I have experimented with a couple of men who I met online, one of which I found out was married when he told me otherwise and so I ended that and the other who is a widowed dad with little time to meet so that suits us both. It’s just a sexual relationship. No contact in between and our own lines.

NCSexForum · 07/05/2023 16:12

No one can expect their DH/DW to remain celibate if they choose to no longer want sex and most often that not, leaving isn’t an easy option. It either leads to a resentful unhappy marriage, the end of the marriage or one person ends up straying and I think the latter option is probably the more common one.

Original poster
Ochre247 · 07/05/2023 21:53

Oldtadger · 07/05/2023 12:58

Thank you. I think a lot of the comments suggest counselling. Could be a much kinder thing to do than initially suggest an open marriage

OP posts:

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