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Original poster

AIBU to ask for an open marriage

31 replies

Ochre247 · 04/05/2023 00:11

AIBU to ask for an open marriage when my husband has no sex drive whatsoever? Just wondered if anyone had tried this, and what their advice would be.

I have tried to regain the spark, he'll allow me to have sex with him, but he doesn't feel like an active participant, and that just drains my self esteem.

I have had a few 'liaisons' which satisfy my need for sex, but they're not regular nor long term.

Do you think it's better to continue to have occasional liaisons, or ask for an open marriage?

My husband is otherwise a good and dependable partner, and we enjoy each other's company. It just feels like a platonic friendship and I don't even feel like I'm cheating when I have my liaisons.

It's probably easier just to continue in a clandestine way rather than explicitly ask for openness.... but does anyone have any experience or advice they could share please? Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ochre247 · 07/05/2023 21:54

Citygal3 · 07/05/2023 14:49

My DH gave me the green light for this as his sex drive had fallen off a cliff and he just wasn’t/isn’t interested. He was never really that interested and hasn’t been in previous relationships either. it caused the end of his first marriage. He is a great husband in all other ways though and a great dad to our daughter. However, over time, it did damage my self esteem.

In the end he just said “look I can’t expect you to stay celibate because I don’t want sex so as long as you don’t flaunt it in my face or fall in love (easier said than done) if you want to find that elsewhere you can. At that point we had had sex once in 4 years and Less than 10 times in 10 years.

it is however a tricky situation to find yourself in. I love him and he loves me but this side of our relationship was just dead really.

That was around 3 years ago. In that time I have experimented with a couple of men who I met online, one of which I found out was married when he told me otherwise and so I ended that and the other who is a widowed dad with little time to meet so that suits us both. It’s just a sexual relationship. No contact in between and our own lines.

Thank you. I would much rather not be in this situation, but think that forever is a really long time to feel like this. It's good to hear that it seems to be working for you so far, whilst not being easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ochre247 · 07/05/2023 21:57

NCSexForum · 07/05/2023 16:12

No one can expect their DH/DW to remain celibate if they choose to no longer want sex and most often that not, leaving isn’t an easy option. It either leads to a resentful unhappy marriage, the end of the marriage or one person ends up straying and I think the latter option is probably the more common one.

I almost feel like my 'liaisons' are the ones way choice. Mean I stay in the marriage (which suits us both) without the emotional turmoil and loneliness of a split! I'm very aware of the selfishness of my actions, and wish it were different, but it isn't and I can't see it changing.

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Original poster
Ochre247 · 07/05/2023 21:58

edit liaisons are the easy choice ...

OP posts:
Citygal3 · 08/05/2023 08:57

@Ochre247

it scratches an itch but to be honest that’s all it does really. It’s a far from perfect situation. There are no easy solutions.

Oldtadger · 08/05/2023 17:12

Ochre247 · 07/05/2023 21:53

Thank you. I think a lot of the comments suggest counselling. Could be a much kinder thing to do than initially suggest an open marriage

Show quote history

I agree. I think it will result in less anguish and allow decisions to be made in a sensible fashion.

Good luck 🤞

Original poster
Ochre247 · 09/05/2023 12:12

I've started the conversation with him. He's agreed to go to the Doctor to rule anything medical out and is open to getting personal counselling to see if there's any underlying issue. I'm grateful to him for that and have also told him that it could just be the way he is. I'll wait and see what happens.

I don't want to live without him and we are generally good together, but living without any sex or intimacy is a step too far.

Kinder all round if I continue with discrete liaisons and we continue with our (otherwise) nice life. Not going to push the 'open' marriage button as I don't think that would be helpful and would spoil an otherwise good situation.

The lack of intimacy / sex does make me sad and affects my self confidence, I guess as a woman it's nice to be desired and the intimacy that comes with sex is important to relationships I think.

Nothing is perfect though so I'll just get on with it! Thanks for all your help on this everyone !

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