Sex toys for lack of actual sex

[Ellisen]

My partner has ED and sometimes the medications can’t even help. He has a low libido and shows no interest in me sexually anymore. His testosterone is fine and he is in good health.
I’ve expressed to him how much it hurts me and that we need to find a way to work through it together. I never push and accept that he isn’t always up for it. We have sex on average once every 6 weeks, very boring missionary to itch a scratch, no passion or fun. In an ideal world we’d do it at least once or twice a week. We have small children and difficult careers so I don’t pressure him. It makes me cry very often that we’re missing intimacy. Our general relationship is great, it’s the sex side that has failed.
I have recently decided to buy myself sex toys as I have a high libido and my needs aren’t being met. My partner knows and he is very upset by it. I guess he feels inadequate that he’s unable to perform. I have been very supportive and understanding but I now feel I am entitled to meet those needs myself without shame anymore.
I have ordered 2 toys and he is giving me the cold shoulder. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong but I now feel ashamed that I’ll be using them and may not enjoy them from this guilt. I was raised in a family that sex is shameful for a woman to enjoy, so it took me many years to build up confidence to want it and enjoy it.
Any advice please?

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Don't feel guilty.
My partner also has issues but due to medication. Although he can bring me to orgasm through other ways, he can't give me what I want and need right now. I'm also looking at toys for myself and intend on using them!

It's a tough one, but your needs matter too. Can he satisfy you in other ways, besides actual sex? If he's not even prepared to touch you intimately to give you some relief, then you perhaps need to question how this is going to work long term?

Best of luck.
Don't feel guilty!! X

Loads of women use toys and vibrators, even when in sexually satisfying relationships. He probably feels bad that he can't meet your needs, but at the end of the day, you are human and crave pleasure, like anyone else. If he can't give you that, he has to come to terms with the fact you are satisfying yourself. I see sex toys as an addition to my healthy sex life. You should not feel guilt or shame about using them. Maybe use them when he's not around if he can't handle it.

It is unreasonable for your partner to give you the cold shoulder because of this. He ought to want to watch you use them, interact during, and understand the necessity of you needing relief. Reverting to toys is the only choice you have, and the grown up approach to the situation you find yourself in.

How would you feel about more frequent and more imaginative sexual contact, even if ED was still an issue?

If his ED wasn’t an issue, do you think he’d still not be keen to experiment?

I’m in a similar position but my OH has also refused to come to counselling with me. Intimacy never seems to be a priority and I’m made to feel like a pervert when I try to shake things up a bit.

Have you considered couple’s counselling? Keen to see how this plays out and whether there are any answers!

Totally agree with @DGConsultant re: your parter joining in with you and the toys; It might spark off something, you never know!

Nevertheless, it is perfectly reasonable to want relief and a toy will help you achieve that. Whether he wants to partake, is down to him.

Regardless of who I am seeing sexually, I have toys in my bedside drawer which are in regular, almost daily use. It's part of my wake up routine and I certainly would not want 1:1 sex at that time of the morning. The needs are different.

As for him giving you the cold shoulder, that is crazy.

With regard to the ED, I'm sorry to hear that, but men can do a lot of other things with you sexually regardless.

I think the most important thing here is not that he has ED, but rather that he has no interest in sex. That's his right, as it is anyone's, but it's also your right to want sex.
And there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about in using sex toys.

Try to talk to him about the dynamic in a way that takes sex out of the conversation.
Think of a hobby he doesn't do. This will depersonalise the conversation and make it less confrontational. Let's suppose he has never been fishing. Ask him to imagine if he did like to go fishing, but you didn't, and ask him to imagine how would he feel if you said he couldn't do it.
Try to do it in a way that isn't accusational and help him to understand that your needs are valid.
It's also important to try to understand his position, so ask him to explain why he doesn't like you using sex toys, even though he doesn't want to be involved.

If you can't have the conversation easily, a relationship counsellor, especially one who specialises in sexual relationships, might help you both to discuss it.

Good luck.

I think the idea of comparing it to a hobby is great @Estherpologist .
I also think that in the same way that your partner is taking meds for ED, you are taking sex toys for your needs. Because one is called 'medication' and another is call 'toy' is possibly what is also devaluing it. They couldn't be referred to as medical devices as they didn't have any govt. regulation, so they were sold as novelty items / toys instead. Things are beginning to change and the first sex toy standard has been published wrt to the design of toys. The industry is starting to use the term 'sextech' in place of 'sextoy' a lot now.

By the way, there are 'toys' also for ED so maybe your partner may want to have his own toys too. Checkout penis pumps (Bathmate are a good company). In fact there are lots of different types of toys for ED.

Last thought - since sex can be both a physical and a mental challenge to us all in different ways and for different reasons, sex therapy is also a growing industry, so maybe a sex therapist could help you work out how best to deal with this situation.

Best wishes.

Definitely don't feel guilty and the point I would stress and maybe to your husband is that sex with a partner and use of toys / sex on your own can be completely separate unrelated activities and don't have to be one thing making up for lack of another. Someone could be having partner sex multiple times per day and still like to play on their own and use toys, especially with a higher libido. I would definitely recommend a wand vibrator and a dildo to use on your own.

Also today and for at least the last 25 years, women having and using toys I think is very common and probably more use them than don't. I remember getting my first vibrator at a 'party' before I had even started to have sex with my first boyfriend and it proved very useful as he was not very good in bed!

I've been with my husband (second boyfriend) for over 15 years now and he has always know that I use toys and like to masturbate regularly and never has a problem with it, in fact it is a big turn on for him.

He has no right to restrict your masturbation with his disapproval. Its your body and your choise. He also has to realise your pleasure is your business. Yes you want it with him but if supply is limited then solo is your choice over frustration. Say its in addition to him not to replace him.

The above said try to involve him. Ask him to use then on you or at least watch. It may get his own motor running?