My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

You need to have been registered for 7 days to post in the Sex forum. Please don’t send unwanted PMs to other users.

Sex

Opening relationships

30 replies

Hornyburst · 02/04/2023 09:49

I’m married to an amazing man, he is literally everything I’ve ever wanted. We have been married 15 years. Both just turned 40.

We aren’t, and never have been the most sexual of couples, even in the early days. He’s asexual, I have a very low sex drive. We haven’t had sex for about 5 years now, since our little one was born. It’s not really been an issue, but for some reason these past few months I’ve been feeling horny, like very horny and that’s unusual, I have no idea why or what’s changed for me to feel this way.

This has obviously caught us both off guard, but sex wise, it’s not looking likely for us as a couple, we have mentioned possibly of opening up our relationship as an “itch scratching thing” and see how that goes. DH is fine with this if it’s what I want. The option is definitely mine.

Anyone else been in this situation and what came of it? How does it actually work. Do you just arrange it somehow with someone, meet up, so what’s needed and return home? Do you discuss it with DP afterwards? In what depth? What boundaries, and how do you set them?

We signed up to a website a while back, I went to meet a man in a hotel, but got very nervous, and sort of bottled it, so didn’t do a lot. I think that was just initially shock factor, now I feel sort of ready if it arises again.

OP posts:
Report
Smartishguy · 02/04/2023 15:34

Slightly different scenario but I've been in a couple of female led relationships of many years where it was open for her and I was monogamous though sexually active.

For me complete honesty and openess was crucial as well as a good awareness of my own emotions and willingness to have difficult conversations without being triggered by my own baggage. It's not something I could have even contemplated in my 20s or 30s.

We did talk about it a lot before and after. It was important for me to know as much as possible how it was for her, emotionally more than anything else so I felt I could judge how it effected our relationship together.

Your DH may be different and not want to know anything about it and pretend it's not happening but I can't imagine that being sustainable personally.

Report
Beneficialchampion2 · 02/04/2023 19:14

Smartishguy · 02/04/2023 15:34

Slightly different scenario but I've been in a couple of female led relationships of many years where it was open for her and I was monogamous though sexually active.

For me complete honesty and openess was crucial as well as a good awareness of my own emotions and willingness to have difficult conversations without being triggered by my own baggage. It's not something I could have even contemplated in my 20s or 30s.

We did talk about it a lot before and after. It was important for me to know as much as possible how it was for her, emotionally more than anything else so I felt I could judge how it effected our relationship together.

Your DH may be different and not want to know anything about it and pretend it's not happening but I can't imagine that being sustainable personally.

Are you a cuck?

Report
Smartishguy · 02/04/2023 19:34

Beneficialchampion2 · 02/04/2023 19:14

Are you a cuck?

It's definitely there on my kink list and there was strong elements of that in one relationship. The other far less so, it was more polyamorous.

So no I wouldn't say that defines me, I find fantasies and kinks change and evolve depending on the relationship no two of which are remotely the same

Report
Tallguy101 · 02/04/2023 21:23

I’ve been the other guy in this exact scenario - I was (and am at the moment) single. Things to consider are contraception, venue (we used my home which is nice and safe), limits/what you want to do and above all have clear communication and absolute trust. If your DH is happy with it and you need to scratch an itch and there is no coercion of any kind, then I say go for it.

Report
Hornyburst · 02/04/2023 22:53

Tallguy101 · 02/04/2023 21:23

I’ve been the other guy in this exact scenario - I was (and am at the moment) single. Things to consider are contraception, venue (we used my home which is nice and safe), limits/what you want to do and above all have clear communication and absolute trust. If your DH is happy with it and you need to scratch an itch and there is no coercion of any kind, then I say go for it.

Oh god no, there’s absolutely no coercion at all. It’s entirely up to me if I have sex with another man.

Limits are almost definitely something that would need to discuss, I’ve never been into oral for example, but also know that’s what most men would want, so I’d probably have to give some in a way. Contraception is a must, absolutely, and probably for oral too.

How do men prefer a woman down below for things like this? Are they even bothered?

I’m not sure what he’d want to know afterwards, I guess that’s for discussion closer to the time, I would assume he would have some questions though, surely that’s only natural?

OP posts:
Report
Tallguy101 · 02/04/2023 23:01

Yes, no doubt your husband will want to ask questions and I suggest being open and honest with him. Just answer his questions in a calm way. Oral isn’t a must, this is all about limits, consent and it must be enjoyable for both parties. As for down stairs, well that’s your choice and certainly in the early stages I would be unlikely to specify a preference, if it becomes a regular thing then stuff like this can be discussed.

Report
Estherpologist · 03/04/2023 07:05

Consent, contraception, oral, pubes etc have no more to do with opening a relationship than they do for a monogamous relationship.

Before you decide what sex you want and with whom, you have to know that both you and your DH are happy with you fucking other people. You have to consider what happens if you're having the time of your life, or become emotionally attracted to another partner and your DH says he can't deal with it. How will you both feel when you say "Don't wait up, darling. I'm going round to Alex's for a shag" or when you come home grinning like a Cheshire Cat?

I thought very seriously about this in a similar situation and what one experienced MNer said was, you have to decide whether you're really a monogamous person or not. You and your DH both need to view sex like going to boxing classes - something one of you really enjoys, but the other really doesn't.

Maybe you could sign up on an app like Feeld or FabSwingers, and discuss it with your DH. Find out where your respective limits are - what you both want /don't want. If that goes well, then meet someone you find sexually attractive just for coffee. (First meeting for coffee is a good step, and a common one, before you take your knickers off.) Take things slow and be prepared to hear your DH say stop.

Just remember, open relationships can be great, but they don't fix broken relationships.

Good luck. ❤️

Report
soloinaduo · 03/04/2023 09:19

Totally agree with Estherpologist.....

..... although for convenience, sometimes don't bother wearing knickers at all 😉

Report
Thorninhisside · 03/04/2023 11:01

"I thought very seriously about this in a similar situation and what one experienced MNer said was, you have to decide whether you're really a monogamous person or not."

That was very good advice, as is the rest of Estherpologist's post.

To some people, monogamy and faithfulness are as much are part of their identity as their race or religion. Are you one of those or are you able to compartmentalise having sex outside your marriage? Once you've fucked another man, there is no going back. You'll have been unfaithful, irrespective of your husband's consent.
And I say that not to be judgy or moralistic, but just so that you have an awareness about how you might feel in the aftermath.

You've gone as far as to arrange a meet so I guess you've had discussions with your husband about it, but have the conversations been in depth or just more of a general chat?
Has he expressed any concerns? Is he apathetic? Or might he be even a little excited? (Some men get very aroused about their wife having sex with other men.)
How do you think he'll feel after you come home from a meet?
He mightn't want to know anything or he might want all the details. How would you feel if he wanted you to divulge everything that you did?

Once you've agreed to go ahead with it, the practicalities will work themselves out. It can be as business-like as: meet, fuck, go home. Or it might be a slow burn: a few coffee dates before taking anything further.
It's totally down to you.

But most of all, get the communication with your husband right.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Report
LikeMindedLady · 03/04/2023 12:15

As a single woman looking for no strings sex with a man you will be spoilt for choice. While that may sound fantastic and means you can be very specific about your wants / boundaries etc and are still likely to find someone, it can also be very draining as whatever app /OLD site you use you are likely to be bombarded with unpleasant and entitled men thinking you want to see pictures of their dicks. Be very selective and don't be afraid to drop/ block /delete any men who aren't exactly what you want and being 100% respectful

Report
Hornyburst · 03/04/2023 17:18

soloinaduo · 03/04/2023 09:19

Totally agree with Estherpologist.....

..... although for convenience, sometimes don't bother wearing knickers at all 😉

I agree too. Feeld is an app I have already joined and to look and see what’s what.

he’s happy for me to explore and if something comes of it, then we’ll discuss further. His only real request was to make sure I use condoms. He would prefer if I didn’t give oral, but think he knows it’s almost a requirement in most cases, so that’s likely to be with condoms too if I do do it. The pube situation, will likely stay as I am, especially early on as said, something that can be discussed much later, if at all. I’m a woman at the end of the day, we all have it.

I do like the idea of meeting for coffee first and discussing things, that seems a very logical approach. I’d have to wear knickers though haha, although I could probably go out and buy some nice lingerie though if needed for an occasion

OP posts:
Report
Hornyburst · 03/04/2023 17:25

Thorninhisside · 03/04/2023 11:01

"I thought very seriously about this in a similar situation and what one experienced MNer said was, you have to decide whether you're really a monogamous person or not."

That was very good advice, as is the rest of Estherpologist's post.

To some people, monogamy and faithfulness are as much are part of their identity as their race or religion. Are you one of those or are you able to compartmentalise having sex outside your marriage? Once you've fucked another man, there is no going back. You'll have been unfaithful, irrespective of your husband's consent.
And I say that not to be judgy or moralistic, but just so that you have an awareness about how you might feel in the aftermath.

You've gone as far as to arrange a meet so I guess you've had discussions with your husband about it, but have the conversations been in depth or just more of a general chat?
Has he expressed any concerns? Is he apathetic? Or might he be even a little excited? (Some men get very aroused about their wife having sex with other men.)
How do you think he'll feel after you come home from a meet?
He mightn't want to know anything or he might want all the details. How would you feel if he wanted you to divulge everything that you did?

Once you've agreed to go ahead with it, the practicalities will work themselves out. It can be as business-like as: meet, fuck, go home. Or it might be a slow burn: a few coffee dates before taking anything further.
It's totally down to you.

But most of all, get the communication with your husband right.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

We have discussed it, quite at length over the past few weeks/months. This urge I seem to have developed isn’t normal, well not for me. Maybe meeting with someone will either feed that urge, or kill it. Who really knows.

I did go for a meet once, but was quite nervous and although we didn’t have sex, we did do a few things. DH asked what happened when I came home, he seemed fine with it. I think after thinking it over, and discussing it too, maybe I’m ready to try again and go further. I’m sure if he wanted to know everything I did after that, then honesty is likely the best policy, would it not?

I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but some situations are different for different people, so time will tell I guess. I guess a huge part is switching off the emotional connection with sex, in favour of the wholly physical?

OP posts:
Report
Tallguy101 · 04/04/2023 00:12

Indeed switching off the emotional part is key, just see it as physical relief. Not used Feeld myself but may have a look at it.

Report
Hensintheskirting · 04/04/2023 08:22

Oral is absolutely not a given OP. If you don't want to do something, don't do it. It's quite common for there to be a no go area based on a primary partner's wishes - and of course it goes without saying that if you don't want to do that, especially with a casual or one off partner, don't do it!

Report
Estherpologist · 04/04/2023 08:54

@Hensintheskirting raises a good point, amd one you definitely need to discuss with DH. Do you want one regular FB, or a smorgasbord of casual, one-time lovers. Do you just want to scratch an itch and get laid, or are you looking to explore your sexuality with groups, sexual orientation, fetishes? Your DH may feel different about each.

Report
Hornyburst · 04/04/2023 09:25

Hensintheskirting · 04/04/2023 08:22

Oral is absolutely not a given OP. If you don't want to do something, don't do it. It's quite common for there to be a no go area based on a primary partner's wishes - and of course it goes without saying that if you don't want to do that, especially with a casual or one off partner, don't do it!

That’s good to know, I was under the impression it’s an almost expected act in most cases, especially situations like this. Sort of expected that if not happening, the other person would be slightly disappointed. Maybe I’m over thinking things

OP posts:
Report
Hornyburst · 04/04/2023 09:28

Estherpologist · 04/04/2023 08:54

@Hensintheskirting raises a good point, amd one you definitely need to discuss with DH. Do you want one regular FB, or a smorgasbord of casual, one-time lovers. Do you just want to scratch an itch and get laid, or are you looking to explore your sexuality with groups, sexual orientation, fetishes? Your DH may feel different about each.

Not sure to be honest, this came about to scratch an itch, but haven’t explored anything yet to know what I might want from it. Won’t be groups, that’s for sure, I’m quite a timid person in bed anyway, always was. I guess it’s essentially just casual sex I’m looking for, as part of an open relationship

OP posts:
Report
Tallguy101 · 04/04/2023 10:12

Hornyburst · 04/04/2023 09:25

That’s good to know, I was under the impression it’s an almost expected act in most cases, especially situations like this. Sort of expected that if not happening, the other person would be slightly disappointed. Maybe I’m over thinking things

Yes you are over thinking it, just state what you want and what you don’t want. Be honest and open then you will enjoy it more without wondering about what may happen, safe in the knowledge that it won’t…..

Report
Moresunnydaysplease · 04/04/2023 10:28

I’m not sure how people learn to switch off the emotional side to sex, I don’t know whether I could. I wonder what the statistics are for people leaving a partner in a monogamous relationship within an open relationship.

Report
Hornyburst · 04/04/2023 11:08

Tallguy101 · 04/04/2023 10:12

Yes you are over thinking it, just state what you want and what you don’t want. Be honest and open then you will enjoy it more without wondering about what may happen, safe in the knowledge that it won’t…..

Thank you, that’s really good advice I think.

Will see if/when the situation arises, as that may also change things too in a way.

Trying not to overthink and over complicate but it’s also hard aswell

OP posts:
Report
Hornyburst · 04/04/2023 11:10

Moresunnydaysplease · 04/04/2023 10:28

I’m not sure how people learn to switch off the emotional side to sex, I don’t know whether I could. I wonder what the statistics are for people leaving a partner in a monogamous relationship within an open relationship.

I think it depends on the situation. Not having it for 5 years, then suddenly getting a strange, unexpected urge seems to have driven it. How long that lasts, I don’t know. What happens if I do meet someone, again who knows

OP posts:
Report
Anxiodogo · 04/04/2023 13:20

I believe people Call it ENM nowadays too - Ethical non monogamy

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

PinotPony · 04/04/2023 21:10

Whilst questions around pubes and oral are valid, I agree with @Estherpologist that your focus needs to be elsewhere.

Are you looking for a regular play partner? If so, how will you avoid an emotional attachment? What happens if you start to fall for the other guy? There needs to be a commitment to absolutely honest communication.

I'm in an open relationship and recently had a date which was so amazing that I can't stop thinking about it. I've had to create some distance with the other guy and tell DP why I'm a bit out of sorts with him. ENM is tough. Don't underestimate how you (and DP) will feel.

Report
Hornyburst · 05/04/2023 12:58

PinotPony · 04/04/2023 21:10

Whilst questions around pubes and oral are valid, I agree with @Estherpologist that your focus needs to be elsewhere.

Are you looking for a regular play partner? If so, how will you avoid an emotional attachment? What happens if you start to fall for the other guy? There needs to be a commitment to absolutely honest communication.

I'm in an open relationship and recently had a date which was so amazing that I can't stop thinking about it. I've had to create some distance with the other guy and tell DP why I'm a bit out of sorts with him. ENM is tough. Don't underestimate how you (and DP) will feel.

Not sure about regular play partner, hard to tell I think until actually achieved the first one. FYI, meeting a guy later this week for a chat though, so maybe plan something after.

I guess the emotional side of it may come into play, hard to judge at moment, might end up being a one off and never seeing someone again for various reasons.

how did you get into this?

OP posts:
Report
NoDatingForOldMen · 05/04/2023 13:06

I suppose the other thing to consider is what would happen if your partner decided, he also wanted a sex life, but not with you, would you be happy if he started seeing other women.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.