Initiating

[FruitPastill]

I had one of those really good, honest, open conversations with DP of 2 years recently and he said that he'd quite like it if I initiated sex.

I thought our initiation was fairly equal but I can see his point that generally he makes the first overt move, whereas I'm a bit more passive- open to the idea of he fancies it and make it easy for him but don't tend to start things.

I know from reading on here that it's important to change this- I want him to feel wanted and know how much I fancy him, and I'd hate for him to think that maybe I just go with it to keep him happy. This is categorically not the case. I have quite a fear of rejection, as I'm sure many do, and I just feel a bit awkward and like I don't know what I'm doing really!

Any tips/hints/advice? How do you/your partner go about this? I know it'll be different for different people, just after a consensus. He's not really bothered for fancy clothing, I've tried that in the past!

One lady posted months ago. She has some high heeled shoes, red, really extreme. She puts them on to walk around the house if she is keen.
He learned quickly.

This is the exact situation with my DW. I had the conversation maybe a year ago, pointed out how it's always me initiating it, I don't think it's something she realised. Since then it's improved marginally but we have no particular issues and sex is at least a bit more regular (my sex drive is far higher than hers). For me it's exactly as you say, if she never initiates sex, it doesn't make you feel particularly wanted at all as a man.
I personally don't need dressing up or anything, I'd just like her to jump on me from time to time, super simple really?! I did ask that just occasionally it would be nice to receive an bj unexpected and not part of sex, in a different part of the house, a different time of day, just unexpected. That's not happened though 😆We are too old school standard sex as a couple, but in my head if that happened, I'd feel more sexually wanted for sure. We do have perfectly fine regular sex so I'm not complaining. I would never reject her, she could have it any day or any time! I'm sure your DP would be the same if he has asked you to initiate more

So maybe you both have a bat signal? How that manifests is down to you but definitely putting some effort in makes a big difference to your DP male and female alike and don't forget to have fun.

Also he might not be bothered but I know with my DW it can definitely rev her engine when she puts her A game gear on (lingerie I mean) so if it works for you then do it, might help with any nerves.

Also consensus running up can be v hot...sexy texts, touches when you see each other that are arousing, maybe even a few pics (do get the number right!!), put on your favourite adult video whilst you are watching tv....tbh the options are endless and are all about intent and you wanting him.

I would say the hottest thing that both my DW and I do is eye contact...OMG!!

I'd second a sexy text in the day. I get zero, but would love the odd one. I don't send any either as she'd either be at work or home with kids, and I assume just wouldn't appreciate it (I dunno?!). It's something we've never done, so where to start I guess

How about waking him up with a blow job? I don’t know any man that wouldn’t be pleasantly surprised by that. If you are unsure you can kiss your way down his body so he’s awake before you get to ground zero!

Otherwise a few kisses on the sofa and then turn the TV off or straddle his lap and ask if he wants to take this upstairs?

How does he initiate with you? Can you use his techno on him?

It is a bit daunting at first, for sure!Time and practice will boost your confidence and you’ll be a pro in no time! E.g

Loving: baby, can you come here and kiss me? I want your arms around me? Ummm let’s take this upstairs…

He’s had a crappy day: honey I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough day. We’ll talk it through then let me give you a massage…which easily leads on…

Bossy: meet me in the living room in 10 minutes, I want to blow your mind…

Ask him to look at a lingerie website and choose something sexy together, then model it for him.

The possibilities are endless. Remember, if you’re feeling nervous, he’s your DP, he adores you and you’re going to make him so happy!! Good luck!!

DW very rarely initiates. Perhaps once every couple of years. She invariably happily responds when I initiate, which is wonderful. But I've always longed, almost more than anything else, for her to initiate sex - to take me by surprise - every so often.

Given we have sex anything between 1-4 times a week I have no complaints at all. And it's really good, mutually enjoyable sex. But it's invariably me who starts things off. It would be fantastic if she initiated at least some of the time.

Waking up to a BJ would be heavenly. It's never happened in 26 years and I guess now probably never will. But I live in hope....!

I'm sure most men would agree that their woman initiating sex sometimes is super hot as well as very affirming. It reminds us that we are fanciable and loved which is as important for men as for women. There a lot of really great suggestions here which you could consider. They would certainly work if DW did them for me.

Good luck!

Thanks everyone, some really helpful ideas to consider here. I'll certainly think more about how he initiates, though I can only think that it's wandering hands and kissing which I'm always receptive to. I've worn lingerie before and although it helps get me in the mood, I'm not sure it does much for DP. Maybe I might try it again and see. I have some lovely pieces, and valentine's is coming up.

I'm not so keen on the "signal" idea/wearing something specific as I like spontaneity, and a hint of pressure or expectation is a big turn off for me- I wouldn't want to promise/lead on and then not follow it through.

It seems to boil down to fear of rejection- if I went to give random head and he was like "not now dear" I'd be utterly mortified. But I would like to reciprocate that more- thinking aloud now but I worry about taking the lead and maybe I come across as a bit selfish? Though really it's just nerves at getting it wrong. Unpicking past relationship issues and just don't want to mess up.

@FruitPastill given that the initiation discussion came from an open conversation, I would have another with your DP. Let him see your vulnerability, that you’re frightened of being rejected by him and that you would love to work through this with him. I bet you’ll come up with ideas together to build your confidence

Assuming he is a man who enjoys oral (?), and assuming it's not in an inappropriate location, there would be no way he would refuse random head. Get close, give it a squeeze and I'm sure he'll be super happy if you take it from there. Be confident, we're not here for long, go and give each other a good time and let him really know you want him beyond just words 🙂

I‘ve found the initiations that are most excitedly received are unexpected ones that happen during everyday activities.

For example giving a hug from behind while he is washing up and letting hands wander. Or if he is into watching football or any sport really, casually ask how long until half time or the end of the game and then say something like ‘oh so not long to wait until I can …’ I’ve never had to wait for the end of the game once I’ve made my intentions known.

Texting and messaging. It revolutionalised my sex life because I learned to speak up, learned what really arouses me (I don't think women are encouraged to pursue and notice their own arousal) and i learned a lot from the responses i got.

I'm pretty blunt and forward in my sexting because I learned to do it with lots of casual partners. I think men deserve to know what I'm really thinking and what I really fantasise about. And i deserve for that to feed into our sex life.

That doesn't mean that I necessarily text the way other people would do it or the way a man would do it. It's my authentic sexual voice. It's not always 'the whole truth' but it's always nothing but the truth.

I would LOVE DH to initiate but sadly, he has always left it to me.

I would love to be ravished--

@Judeisnotobscure we sort of it covered it but it'd be unreasonable of him to swear he'd never turn me down, just as I could never make the same promise, and there's no real way around that! I think a good place to start would be for me to make the first (overt) step at a time that typically we would be likely to have sex anyway?! And build up from there?
@yorkshireteabagman well he's always been very complimentary in the past thanks for the encouraging words!
@Pastaf0rbreakfast that's the kind of thing I'd work up to yes! I'm not brave enough yet and I think a lack of confidence would show.

Those that have mentioned messaging, it's not something we do. I've hinted before but he's not really taken to it, though pics usually are well received.

@FruitPastill you’ve mentioned the need to work through past relationships and I think that’s really the crux of the matter here. I’d get a self help book and use mindfulness to help you to move past the self confidence issues. Those relationships didn’t work for you and they’ve unfortunately given you emotional baggage to carry into your current relationship. I so, so wish someone had helped me to do this when I was younger.

Another thought for when you feel bold and adventurous....how about get your lingerey on and make yourself comfortable on the bed...then maybe get ahead of the game (but make sure he can see when he walks in) )and call him because you need a hand then when he walks in flash a big smile and crook a finger...

@Judeisnotobscure is right tho, work on your self development as it will definitely support your confidence this way, in the meantime maybe try a fuck it and go for it, chances are you are going to rock his world!!!

Honestly, rather than silly little tips and tricks and convincing yourself that no man will ever say no to the offer of a blow job, I think you need to figure out why you think your partner saying 'Not tonight, Josephine' would be so catastrophic.

For either of you to initiate there needs to be room for a 'no' to happen , and for both partners to feel comfortable with that. It is easier said than done as we don't explore consent properly in our society, but it can be learned. Look up the Wheel of Consent: bettymartin.org/videos/

Also, see if you could discuss with your husband how he would like you to initiate? And also if there are any times he can think of when he would prefer you wouldn't. I'm getting the impression you aren't comfortable with a nonchalant 'want to fuck?'* Could you agree some subtler phrases? I tell my husband when my period has finished (and even when it is due shortly but hasn't arrived yet), or when I am ovulating, and he knows exactly what that means. There is also the option of just getting into bed naked/moching around the bedroom naked and seeing if they get the idea.

My husband who is a slow burner, cooks me a particular dish on a Friday night sometime to initiate an evening of love making. It took me weeks, maybe even months to figure that one out, but I got there.

We are also quite comfortable telling the other 'I am quite tired' early in the evening, if we aren't up for it, to clarify the situation. You two need to work out a language you are comfortable with too.

*Though there is a lot to be said for asking your partner if they 'want to fuck?' It is an honest question, not a proposition, and is open-ended enough to allow the other a number of responses).

@user1501270679 I think you’re being too harsh, the OP has already stated that she has a fear of rejection. It’s awesome that you confident within yourself and your relationship, but the OP is needing to build her confidence and resilience.

Well we are in the passionate first few months so have sex everytime we see each other without fail. But that will tail off of course. I think it is important to feel fancied and wanted and my bf is always sending me messages saying how much he fancies me and I must admit that comes harder for me, but I am trying hard to let him know I want him. I mean when I’m with him he knows that I do as I show it, but I want him to know 1000% as I know my ex had issues with this, but that’s because realistically I didn’t want him. Would you feel more comfortable sending him a message say one lunchtime letting him know what you plan to do to him that evening? I find it easier to say on message than face to face though I do both

Apologies, I hadn't meant to be harsh. I just wanted to make the point that actually there is a big difference between asking your partner if they want to have sex, and asking your partner if they want to have sex while dolled up in the full regalia etc. I feel the former scenario is an open ended question that it would be easier to take a rejection from, and the latter is much less open ended and even I would be crushed to be told no in that scenario.

I think there is perhaps some room for analysis about emotional labour roles here. The current scenario is that the husband does the emotional labour around initiating sex, and the OP 'makes it easy for him' as she says, which is another form of emotional labour. The OP is looking for ways to make it easier for her to take on some of the burden of the emotional labour that exists around initiating in the partnership, but I have suggested that may be more feasible if the husband realises he needs to find a way to 'make it easy' for his wife to initiate, just as she does him. Some communication is all that is needed here.

I appreciate that is a less sexy, and perhaps more political approach than just tottering around in red high heels, and summoning men with a crooked finger, but it seems to me there is more chance my suggestion might actually help people feel comfortable getting things off the ground.

@user1501270679 that’s cool, I misinterpreted your message! I hope I didn’t upset you. You’re right about the division of emotional labour, I hope your suggestions resonate with the OP.

I think maybe to allay your fears it would be good to discuss with DH when he’s most likely to be up for it. He may be very much a morning guy or would hate being woken up. Let him know you are a bit nervous of how you’d cope with a no so he is aware that if he doesn’t fancy then he needs to be gentle. Ask him if there’s a preferred way he’d want you to initiate. If you aren’t confident your approach may be a little subtle and you may feel rejected when all he did was miss the signs so talking up front is pretty important!

Not at all. Perhaps I just needed to be clearer!

Would absolutely love it in my other half initiated once in a while, don't think it's happened for over 3 years..

Lots of bits for me to unpick here, genuinely grateful to all of you for responding. @user1501270679 really interesting to read about the division of emotional labour surrounding initiating, thank you @Judeisnotobscure for prompting a bit of clarity there! Yes I feel I do make it easy for him, maybe he doesn't realise that if I'm too subtle? I will pay attention next time to see if/how he'd make it easy for me.
@XmasElf10 this is definitely where I've fallen down in the past If you aren’t confident your approach may be a little subtle and you may feel rejected when all he did was miss the signs so talking up front is pretty important!
Still sorting through emotional baggage with help from a counsellor @Judeisnotobscure it's a work in progress but very messy. I'm getting there and trying though!