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How to do “casual sex”

43 replies

Falalalalaaalalalala · 17/10/2022 01:46

I am probably in the very best place with the way I feel inside and out for a long time and lately I just REALLY miss sex!
I have no intentions of having a relationship, I don’t have the time or the want for one right now but I do want the physical stuff!
I’ve really surprised myself as it’s not something I’ve been interested in for ages but I suppose where I’m feeling good inside and I’ve been loosing weight it’s just changed how I feel.
I just don’t know if it’s something I could do. I don’t want to be a person that uses anyone else but if it was something that was clearly just sex from both sides I’d be up for it but how do you even do that?!
I’ve never had a one night stand since I came out as a lesbian 10 or so years ago and I don’t know how I’d go about it either as I hate clubbing and am not a big drinker which is where these things usually happen or am I missing something?!
I’m currently in a position where I am aware that somebody I am friends with is interested but I just don’t fancy her or I’d genuinely consider a chat about a friends with benefits kind of thing.
Am I just destined to sex with myself forever?! 🤣

OP posts:
Violet90 · 17/10/2022 09:12

Are you able to join some sites and make it clear you’re seeking something casual with another woman, I’m sure there’s lots of women in the same position as you.

LikeMindedLady · 17/10/2022 09:20

Are bi / curious women a possibility or are you looking for someone experienced or who identifies as a lesbian?

What about joining Skirt Club, Killing Kittens (they have female only events too) or a women only event at a sex or swingers club?

Hensintheskirting · 17/10/2022 11:20

Surely looking for casual sex is the same - whether you're a man/woman and after a man/woman? You either go out and meet people, being clear that you're not looking for a relationship - or you go online looking for people, making it clear that you're not after a relationship!

Clubbing/events/bars - for real life
Fab/Skirt/KK/Feeld/other websites for online

As long as you're clear with people what you're after then you should be good to go!

Queenofthehill1 · 17/10/2022 14:55

Casual sex is a weird phrase, like its probably the least casual thing we can do with another person. You're literally naked and at your most vulnerable and its portrayed as something casual. And if someone hasn't got the time, or inclination to get to know somebody and form an intimate relationship where you actually care about the other person that then leads to sex, but they just want another body to rub up against and for them to walk out the door an hour later and that's it, I don't really see the appeal. Its about an meaningful as masturbation, you're just adding some random body in there to do it with.

And Im sure they'll be other people on apps etc who just want a casual shag with someone they have no feelings for, as its better than masturbation, but it all feels a bit empty and depressing really. When I compare one night stands when I was at uni and that emptiness you feel afterwards, to my marriage and the intimacy and years of knowing each others bodies and that closeness, theres no comparison at all.

And I really take issue with hook-up culture and apps, in so far as we're just viewing other people as bodies to rub against from time to time, with no emotional connection or love - and then there's the health side, so you find a fwb or casual hook-up, and they're being 'casual' with a few other people, and those few other people are having casual hook-ups with a few more people, it's not exactly very safe whatever precautions you take.

cheeseislife8 · 17/10/2022 16:15

@Queenofthehill1 just because that kind of connection doesn't appeal to you, no need to judge. It makes no difference to your life what the OP does or doesn't do. Can't you really "take issue" what what two consenting adults you've never met do?

Reindeerinsummer · 17/10/2022 16:20

Try Iran @Queenofthehill1 . That’s what life looks like when people “Take Issue” with what women do with their bodies.

AltitudeCheck · 17/10/2022 16:28

@Queenofthehill1 there's a simple answer... If you don't like casual sex... You don't have to have it! 😆

Maybebe · 17/10/2022 17:06

It is a constant source of surprise to me, how judgemental people can be on Mumsnet. The OP is posing a perfectly reasonable and achievable scenario, she doesn't want to eat babies, she wants to have sex with another consenting adult without launching into a romantic relationship with them.

I can't imagine why anyone would have a problem with you doing this OP. As long as you treat people with respect and are upfront about what you're after 🤷🏻‍♀️

You'll find women on Killing Kittens, wanting to explore their sexuality through having FF encounters - either at KK events or maybe after connecting 1-1 online via their app. Feeld is another app which seems to have a target audience looking for less conventional arrangements (polyamory, ENM, FWB, etc).

Good for you for taking ownership of your sexuality and being proactive!

namechangeforsexthread · 17/10/2022 17:55

Hi op

I am baffled by the judgement you get from some people so I'd ignore @Queenofthehill1

I am in a similar place in that I am single and in no way wanting a relationship but I miss and sometimes crave the physical. That doesn't mean I don't care about people and I would never want to hurt anyone or be hurt of course.

The difficulties are in finding someone who feels the same who doesn't live a hundred miles away! I've tried Feeld, Fab and KK and am getting nowhere fast.

I'm bisexual, so you would think that the options are endless but alas... :)

You're welcome to pm me if you ;)

Anotherbloody · 17/10/2022 18:04

Good for you OP you know what you want! And you’re right it is different with women.

For men seeking men or gay men there is Grindr but there really isn’t a lesbian equivalent. I don’t know where you’re based but there is also something geographical, it’s definitely easier to find casual hook ups with women in London or Brighton compared to other parts of the country.

I definitely second all the recommendations above for apps.

And you’re right it is tricky because while you don’t want a relationship, and I’m sure you’ll find plenty of people in the same boat, you do want to have sex with someone you’re genuinely attracted to and you clearly would treat them very nicely because you’re thinking about this very thoughtfully.

Queenofthehill1 · 17/10/2022 21:17

Thanks for the pile-on ladies! And for totally mis-representing what Ive said!

@Reindeerinsummer why Iran? Is that because it's currently in the news and you thought it would sound good? Why not Saudi Arabia? And at what point have I said anything specifically about women's bodies? Hook-up culture includes men too right? I don't think that's a good thing either if men do it - just so we're clear?

@cheeseislife8 it kind of does effect everyone though, if we have a hook-up culture, especially younger people, we don't live in bubbles.

All I was saying is there's nothing 'casual' about sex, and we can tell ourselves that there is, sure, but it doesn't change anything. And telling young people, men and women, that its casual and throwaway isn't a good thing. So yes its has bigger ramifications. If I was judging anyone I wouldn't admit to having one night stands when I was at uni, unless I'm judging myself too? There's no comparison to have sexing with someone you love and have a genuine emotional connection too, than someone you've just met on an app who you view, and who views you, as nothing more than a body to get off for the night.

Each to their own though, I suppose is the consensus here. Personally I don't find it 'empowering' in the least to be viewed simply as a body for someone to get off over for an hour, knowing I'm just one of many bodies that they're finding on hook-up apps.

And let's no even go into STD's, or is everyone into this empowering hook-up culture carrying round certificates from their doctor to show at their latest hook-up app realtime meet?

HappyHumpDay · 18/10/2022 06:47

@Queenofthehill1 you may not be being intentionally judgmental, but just because you only see casual sex as two bodies bumping against each other, doesn’t mean everyone does!

And casual sex between two women is more likely to lead to orgasm than it would between a man and a woman.

What we’re teaching young people is that sex is pleasurable for both men and woman and can be enjoyed by consenting adults outside of long term relationships.

In my experience (of being in an open marriage) is that actually yes, people are tested regularly for STIs and will happily produce their certificates!! It’s being a responsible grownup.

@Falalalalaaalalalala as someone who is bisexual, in an open marriage, I would say Feeld is a good bet. Also Killing Kittens and Skirt Club both hold good events when you get fed up with online stuff.

StarlightLady · 18/10/2022 09:06

I have been watching this thread with interest and it appears to have become very judgemental.

In my view (and in my body) yes, sex can be casual but it also needs to be passionate. If the “casual” word concerns people, let’s say non-commital. But what’s in a name? It’s about passion and spark. And the OP is right, that won’t happen with someone she does not fancy.

OP, do you live in or have access to a large town or city. Why not look up lesbian friendly bars etc and pop in and see what happens? You say you are not a big drinker; you don’t have to be. Lesbian friendly places are exactly that, “friendly” and there are lots of women who are not looking for commitment or a long term relationship, but are respectful about what you are looking for.

When you feel that little flutter, you will know it. Good luck! x

Violet90 · 18/10/2022 09:33

@Queenofthehill1 your perception of casual sex is that though, not everyone views casual sex the same way as you
do, not everyone who has sex needs love or an emotional connection in order to have sex with another person. When I’ve had ONS’s in the past they’ve been based on lust and pleasure and that’s it.

StarlightLady · 18/10/2022 12:28

@Violet90 - Exactly! Some of us have an itch at times and want someone to scratch it. You might not want the same person to scratch it every time. Arguably the best sex you can have, regardless of gender is the second time with someone, you know a little about each other's bodies, but the lust, the newness and the passion (there is nothing wrong with any of these!) is still there.

Casual sex lectures are neither being sought or helpful to the OP.

QueenHippolyta · 18/10/2022 20:51

Casual lesbian sex hahaha 😂 .
We lesbians want to move in together on the second date...it is not like hetero couples.
Probably your best bet are the bi-curious, but they've been with men and you risk STDs etc all the things we never have to think about

NameChangedForThisThr3ad · 18/10/2022 22:02

I'm also looking for non committal connections too with women but I don't feel I can do that with just anyone. It's definitely a difficult one to navigate. Happy for you to dm if you want to chat further.

Queenofthehill1 · 20/10/2022 19:59

@HappyHumpDay cant help seeing a lot of red flags in that post. So it's a good thing we're teaching young people so have sex outside of committed relationships - I mean yeah Im sure its good for a certain number of young men who want to have sex with as many young women as possible with zero effort or responsibility, and I guess its a good thing we're objectifying each other. Good for who? Unwanted pregnancies, the rise of std's and sti's, teaching kids sex is throwaway?

And if you think people on Tinder etc are regularly getting STD tested and showing certificates when hooking up, I think you'll be surprised! If we're going on 2022 numbers the rate of syphilis cases alone reached its highest since 1991. But we're all more responsible nowadays I guess?

As for open relationships, unless both parties got together on the assumption that they were going to have an open relationship/marriage, then its almost always a bad thing. Why? Because its almost always one person that wants to open up the marriage, and regardless of what we tell ourselves about how cool or happy my partner is for me to, lets say, explore, theres a level of coercion there where the partner feels that the choice is to break up the marriage or agree to their wife/husband having sex with other people, and the coercion relates to the - well Im unhappy and it doesnt mean I dont love you - ie if you love me and want to stay together this is the only thing that will fix the marriage, or relationship, even if its not in so many words. And I know the rebuke will be that no my partner is fine with it, he/she is happy, but fundamentally is that person going to be happy sat at home knowing the love of their life is having sex with random people someplace else? Unless they're a tiny minority of what they call cucks who for some reason get off on their partners being satisfied with random other people. Realistically no one is going to be 'happy' about that. You get the Will Smith scenario of - Im so modern and cool with my wife seeing other men - and then an absolute meltdown on national TV trying to prove a point but he probably feeling completely emasculated and the facade drops on a very clearly dysfunctional marriage. Anyone who's watched the cringey podcast they did where she's talking about her younger lover and he's sat there trying to look like he's ok with it, with tears in his eyes. And maybe there are open marriages where both partners are having sex and both are totally fine with it and theres no jealousy or insecurity, but I wonder why in those cases they even stay in a marriage, whats the point.

@Violet90 seeing as we were having trouble defining what 'casual sex' is, and its not just too bodies rubbing together, but you commented its sex without love or an emotional connection, its lust basically, but thats basically what I was saying anyway, and I dont see how having sex without any emotional connection to that person is a positive thing. Its basically masturbation, but you're masturbating with another person, another random person, or body, that you have zero connection with on an emotional level. And thats what we've reduced sex to, some random person swiping on our profile if they happen to like how we look, and have zero interest in us as a person, its just momentary gratification with someone random who you'll probably not see again, unless they've 'got at itch to scratch' and you're available and willing when its convenient for them. I find that quite demeaning and depressing. And yet we're told its liberating and isnt it great, and I feel sad that there are people who think its normal to be viewed in that way, and never experience sex in a LTR or marriage with a person who actually cares and loves you, and doesnt see you as simply a hookup contact on their phone for when they feel horny. And we're supposed to celebrate that.

Violet90 · 20/10/2022 23:17

You have clearly come on here with an agenda, you’ve completely dismissed OP post and tried to push your views of casual sex in a very dogmatic way. It doesn’t matter how you view casual sex, it matters how each individual person views casual sex.

Hensintheskirting · 21/10/2022 08:00

Poor OP. She just wanted some nice sex without the commitment of a relationship!! She mentions FWB - is that so bad? Being friends with someone, fancying them, having sex with them even - but 😨 not agreeing to marriage, children and a mortgage.

I'm sorry @Queenofthehill1that you've had such a bad experience of an open relationship. Sending a handhold. Anyone speaking with such authority clearly has personal experience otherwise it's just making quite a lot of judgement of people about whom you know absolutely nothing.

ChangingMyMindToday · 21/10/2022 11:34

@Queenofthehill1 the OP wanted some advice as a single woman. If you dislike what she wants then that’s fine but you E utterly derailed this thread just to vent your spleen and that was unnecessary and unkind. If you want to rant go and start your own thread and leave this consentual, harmless one alone.
Hope you’re OK OP.

ChangingMyMindToday · 21/10/2022 11:38

OP how do you feel about bi/bicurious/women in ENM situations? Any one or all of those might be not for you and that’s fine.
I hear there are fewer and fewer lesbian bars which is a shame.

ghostsandpumpkinsalready · 21/10/2022 13:30

I have a male partner but have casual sex with women. I'm just a good flirt and often connect with ladies in my day to day life . Lots of curious women who just need a bit of a nudge 🤣

devilinareddress · 21/10/2022 14:49

I just have relationships that are going nowhere.

Justaromanticiguess · 22/10/2022 14:04

@Queenofthehill1 reading this thread with interest and have to agree with a lot of your comments 😬 I settled down quite early, married with two kids. Most of my friends were the opposite and was told a lot I was missing out etc I was square! But looking back none of them are happy, we're early 40s now and they're still single or jaded, the whole men are trash thing, and I think to myself what do you expect if you're hooking up with commitment phobe trashy men! Its really sad.

And agree about open relationships too, if my husband wanted to open up the marriage so he could sleep around I'd pack his bags and say on your way! Sadly there are partners with low self esteem or simps who go along with it and it's not a healthy relationship for either party, and incredibly selfish on the part of the one who pressures (usually covertly) their partner to allow this stuff.

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