Cannot for the life of me initiate

[TippyToesKnows]

Please help!

Married many years. Huge source of frustration for DH - and I, really - is my total inability to initiate.

To illustrate the ridiculousness: I spent the whole day thinking about DH and wanting him, was v turned on. When he got in from work I gave him quite a passionate kiss. And again a bit later. To me, this was "sending signals" but he just read it as being affectionate. When we put DC to bed, I'd firmly revved myself up to suggest we go to bed (which is unheard of for me), but by time I'd said goodnight, DH had gone down and flopped in front of the TV. This disappointed me so much that I was instantly turned off (unfortunately I turn off very quickly) and I spent the eve in a real mood. Of course, DH is not a mind reader so it really isn't his fault.

We typically have sex maybe once a month. This is not for lack of either of us wanting more. I have a total freeze on communicating my desire and DH is cautious of initiating because my moods are so changeable in terms of wanting it.

When in the bedroom, I absolutely cannot communicate what I want - and again, turn off v easily which is awful for DH as he's going blind, I don't tell him what I want. This is despite me having a v rich, not overly vanilla fantasy life.

Before people say "just make more effort". I honestly want to. Its like an actual block - when I try, I physically freeze. I feel like there's a weight on my chest, find it hard to breathe, brain goes blank, and get v turned off by the stress. DH has always said he suspects I've been abused but - although I did have a difficult childhood with elements of verbal slut shaming / complicated body relationship issues etc - I have no recollection of any physical abuse.

Would appreciate any advice or shared experience as feel like I'm sabotaging my marriage. DH said today it just shouldn't be this difficult and he's totally right.

Hi OP. I didn't want to leave you unanswered. On a practical level, other ways of communicating might be helpful. Some people use visual clues to indicate their desire (like wearing a particular item of clothing or lighting a candle). Also, discussing desires by text - candidly or erotically - can be easier than in person.

The end of your message feels really telling though. Being slut shamed can make it very hard to express or act on your desires. Talking therapy might be the answer here, to explore how you really feel about sex.

I agree that the body issues and slut shaming have made it difficult for you to ask for what you want. I agree with other clues although these might have to be made clear in the first place to your DH. My DH knows if I want to have sex if we are in bed and I wrap a leg around his leg or hips. I know if he does as he cuddles me more than usual and touches more me in the day. So only slight clues but we know each other. But at first they might need spelling out to DH. Could you write it down?

Thank you both. I do know in myself really that I have deep rooted issues and probably need therapy, although I've had a lot of therapy in general to deal with - other - childhood things and just don't feel convinced it will help with this. It's also so incredibly hard to find a good therapist...and the time to actually see them!

BUT @Umbrellabee I think your post is very pertinent because my own frustration comes from this. I feel like I really do send signs, even if they are subtle. DH is not the most tuned in person and literally needs an explicit text. Or me to tell him. Or grab him and lead him. But it's probably my fault that I've made him like this by rebuffing his advances so many times that he doesn't even look for it now to avoid getting his hopes up.

I feel really sad with the whole situation.

Some time back there was a thread about how people initiate. One person said she had a pair of shoes that they both understood as a signal. When she wanted sex she wore the shoes and walked round in them. If he wanted sex he'd put them somewhere prominent.

Very funny. Perhaps the genius of this is that if the other person isn't interested they can just 'not notice' the shoes.

Does he need a very direct form of communication? Could you text him in the day, when he's at work & say that you're feeling horny?

Oh god this is familiar! Caused no end of problems between me and DH and has only recently really been ironed out. I've had a lot of realisations about how things (most of which I thought were minor/irrelevant) have affected my view of and attitude to sex, similar stuff to what you mention so I agree with PP's that's the root of it all.

The solution in the end was pretty simple, if I don't have knickers on when we get into bed we're good to go, if I do it's a no! I'm prone to sudden changes of mood too so it's safer if I wait til bedtime to give any sort of signal, any earlier and I might have changed my mind by the time we get to bed Happy to talk more if you think it might help OP, I genuinely could have written your posts a couple of years back

Are you in a position to seek professional help? I don't mean just a counsellor or sex therapist, but a proper psychologist who specialises in sexual problems. Check out the listings on the Psycholigy Today website. In my uneducated opinion, having seen half a dozen counsellors over the years, you need to talk to someone with a deeper understanding of psychology. Look for someone with a doctorate. They're more expensive than regular counsellors, but think of it as an investment in your marriage.

And go easy on your DH. I've been in a similar place to him and I just gave up hope of enjoying any intimacy and nearly died of a broken heart.

Good luck.❤️

Have you told your husband how you find it and difficulties? Maybe a solution will come from that. The important thing is if you find a way to indicate your willingness is not then turn him down.

Sexting! Let him know exactly what you want to happen.

Get in to a habit of sending naughty things now and again and when you want a bit of hanky lanky.. literally tell him

Thanks for the reference @Catullus5, they are my red shoes, I posted that at least a year possibly 2 years ago under another name. We still use them.
Sometimes we make an arrangement. "Will you be finished that report by 4.30?"
Or "I can have dinner prepared and in the oven so can leave it for 30 or 40 minutes".
@TippyToesKnows It is a signal that we start to talk and plan and think where and how. PM me if you want to chat.

Did you sort it out? I really hope so as I remember your previous posts.

@Estherpologist (see above)

Thanks all who have replied :) I'd like to DM those who have offered, but I use the app....think I need to be on the desktop version?

For people suggesting sexting or having code words etc, I struggle even with that. As in, I'll type out a seemingly v simple message- picture of a horny devil or something really basic. I delete it and retype at least 20 times then don't end up sending. It really is a huge mental block. If I could do that, I think I could almost as easily just talk.

I did reach out to a counsellor this weekend who sounded perfect - local but also did zoom so could fit with time constraints, and covered the exact areas I have issues with. But she's just replied saying she's not taking new clients so now I'm feeling really down today :(

@TippyToesKnows See, you know what to do, it does sound like a mental block. How about writing out something like "Can't wait to see you tonight 😈" and having it in a notes app - then just copy, paste, send?

Maybe sexting isn't for you then OP, and that's ok, it's a matter of finding something you're comfortable with. We tried a few different things but most of them made it feel 'planned' to me and I find that a total turn off, which is how we ended up at knickers on/off, because it means I can decide at the last minute!

DH has signals too, a slight change to his getting ready for bed routine that tells me he's hoping for knickers off () and, over time, that's allowed my confidence to build up so that now I'm comfortable fully initiating (iykwim) on those nights because I know he's definitely up for it. There's no pressure, there's lots of nights where one of us gives the signal that we're open to it and the other doesn't and that's fine, it doesn't feel like rejection for either of us, I suppose because the signals are subtle so neither of us is putting ourselves 'out there' too much.

The psychology of it fascinates me tbh, we both came into our marriage with damage from past experiences and it's taken years to unpick it all and reach a point where we understand each other, and ourselves actually.

Sorry to hear the Counsellor didn't work out. Dr Karen Gurney has a really good book that might help. It's called Mind The Gap. She's on Insta as The Sex Doctor & has a website & TED talks on YouTube. She refers to this as sexual currency, where as couples we need to show each other small gestures so that it keeps the spark alive. It also indicates to the partner that you might be thinking about sex. It's the small things like hand holding, slight longer kisses etc. Might be worth looking at what she has to say. Good luck.

I've now contacted 5 therapists and they've all said they aren't taking new clients. How hard can it be to get some help!

@Catullus5 It depends how you define "sort it out". We're getting divorced, so yes, sort of.

@TippyToesKnows Don't give up finding help. And don't assume the first person with availability is the right person to help you. Stay strong and believe you can get where you want. ❤️

Therapists are in very high demand at the moment, I know I’ve never been busier. Keep trying - if you know someone who could give you a recommendation all the better.

Sorry @jellycatspyjamas what do you mean by a recommendation?

Is it the worry that if you try to initiate things and that if he says no, then it would be a huge confidence knock for you?

Maybe suggest a night away one of the weekends, drop hints that you’ll be surprising him and he’ll know sex is on the cards and will be ready for it so you won’t catch him unexpectedly.

You can make it an even bigger surprise though by walking out of the bathroom in sexy lingerie and heels, he won’t be able to keep his hands off you!

@TippyToesKnows if you know someone who has been for counselling they might recommend their counsellor to you. Often folk don’t speak openly about seeing a counsellor but if you mentioned to trusted friends that you were thinking of seeing someone, you may find a good counsellor that a friend knows of. Most of my clients come to me through word of mouth and recommendation.

We have some not so subtle codes. But means we can both judge if the other is in the mood and saves anyone feeling rejected. (Both work long hours and often too tired for sex in the week but I struggle very badly with feeling rejected even if I know it's not personal.)

For example if one of us says something like "if I have a quick bath before bed do you want me to leave it for you?" then that's a definite invite as don't tend to bath before bed unless it's for sex.

So maybe you could discuss some 'codes' at a totally non sexual time?

Or just text instead of try and say it?

@TippyToesKnows sounds very deflating. My exw never initiated sex and I felt like I never knew when she was up for it and it caused lots of problems and resentment l.

I used to see intimacy as a sign of love.

I like @Delilahonabike idea no knickers good to go

Have managed to get us on a waiting list for a PST, so fingers crossed.

Texting...code words etc...they're the same to me as actually just saying it. I literally can't.

The pants off idea isn't a bad one but I do struggle with that idea tbh and the fact he'd need to have a good grope in the first place to find out as I sleep in pyjamas etc.