Please help!
Married many years. Huge source of frustration for DH - and I, really - is my total inability to initiate.
To illustrate the ridiculousness: I spent the whole day thinking about DH and wanting him, was v turned on. When he got in from work I gave him quite a passionate kiss. And again a bit later. To me, this was "sending signals" but he just read it as being affectionate. When we put DC to bed, I'd firmly revved myself up to suggest we go to bed (which is unheard of for me), but by time I'd said goodnight, DH had gone down and flopped in front of the TV. This disappointed me so much that I was instantly turned off (unfortunately I turn off very quickly) and I spent the eve in a real mood. Of course, DH is not a mind reader so it really isn't his fault.
We typically have sex maybe once a month. This is not for lack of either of us wanting more. I have a total freeze on communicating my desire and DH is cautious of initiating because my moods are so changeable in terms of wanting it.
When in the bedroom, I absolutely cannot communicate what I want - and again, turn off v easily which is awful for DH as he's going blind, I don't tell him what I want. This is despite me having a v rich, not overly vanilla fantasy life.
Before people say "just make more effort". I honestly want to. Its like an actual block - when I try, I physically freeze. I feel like there's a weight on my chest, find it hard to breathe, brain goes blank, and get v turned off by the stress. DH has always said he suspects I've been abused but - although I did have a difficult childhood with elements of verbal slut shaming / complicated body relationship issues etc - I have no recollection of any physical abuse.
Would appreciate any advice or shared experience as feel like I'm sabotaging my marriage. DH said today it just shouldn't be this difficult and he's totally right.