I have posted on here before about confusions regarding my sexuality and the general consensus was “why do you need to label yourself?” which although I can see logic in that approach I feel like there’s a very large and important part of me that I just don’t understand.
Up until I was 18/19 it had always been boys, but then I developed serious crushes on two famous women (pop stars) and found myself very aroused by them when I saw them on the TV or saw videos of them. I used to print out photos of them in their bikinis and stick them on my college folders and it felt so normal.
It phased out eventually though and I carried on having boyfriends.
When I was 21 I met a woman at a party and there an instant connection, I was equally mesmerised and aroused by her. I couldn’t take my eyes off her and we spent the whole time running of together and flirting. She was there with her boyfriend. At one point she and I nearly kissed….the passion and desire was palpable but then the moment was ruined when we were interrupted.
After the party I carried on with my life, still only dating men.
When I was 25 I met up with the woman from the party again and we had a 6 month fling which was sexual.
When that ended I carried on dating men and I am now married with two children.
Sometimes I look at women and feel attracted to them, and I find myself flirting with them. I also find men sexually attractive.
Whenever I fantasise it is always about the woman from the party. Every single time. When I masturbate it’s her I think of.
Yet I am also very aroused at the thought of two men together, I think about it a lot and if there’s a film on or a TV programme on where there are two men who are attracted to each (especially covert or taboo attraction) then it really turns me on.
I never think about my husband with another man though.
I was recommended to watch a film a few weeks ago which focuses on a woman realising her sexuality and embarking on a relationship with another woman. There are quite a few explicit, lengthy, detailed sex scenes between them and it did absolutely nothing for me. It didn’t arouse me at all and in fact I felt quite bored by it.
So if I am bisexual……why does watching two women together do nothing for me, yet the idea of, or seeing two men together makes me feel so turned on?
If I see a tv programme featuring two men together I relive the scenes in my mind over and over again. I really enjoy thinking about it.
Why do I not feel anything when I see two women together considering all my sexual fantasies are based on a woman?
I’m so confused.
Im almost 40 and going through this….I have absolutely no idea how teenagers cope with confused feelings about their sexuality.