It’s Been 3 Years

[Nouveaunew]

I haven’t had sex in 3 years (because of marital separation & a VERY negative sexual experience in my past). I’m starting to feel sexual attraction IRL toward men I don’t actually think I want relationships with! I do masturbate and am more turned on by women in that situation even though I identify as heterosexual.

I’m no good at FWB scenarios. I don’t have any ‘f buddies’ as it’s not my scene and I was married so it wasn’t on the table. I don’t do casual. Is my only option going on a dating site and trying to meet someone and slowly building up to meaningful sex? I don’t know if I can wait that long! I’m so horny it’s getting out of hand!

It depends on your definition of "casual" when you say you don't do it. If you expect to be able to find your next long-term partner instantly, and for that to be your only route to sex,.you may be disappointed. Your judgement is also going to be swayed by the fog of horniness.

You might need to rethink your ideals.

Casual doesn't need to mean one-nighters. Maybe look for someone who's after something sexual but exclusive, without the "guarantee" of long-term commitment.

Thanks @lostincumbria Yes, it doesn’t need to be a very serious relationship but I also want to feel safe with the person. My judgment is completely clouded by my horniness! I dreamt I was in bed with a male colleague last night!

Online is probably the only way! I’ve a male friend who I think fancies me but probably too complicated

How old are you? Just wondered if you were going through the sex surge of menopause??

I’m early 40s. Is sex surge of menopause common?

Not sure if it’s common as most women end up going the other way but I certainly had it. Mid 40’s and became extremely horny and felt strange! Periods stopped suddenly and never returned. Marriage was sexless and had been for years as I had married an older man and wasn’t attracted to him. I ended up having an emotional affair and we met a few times. My world was changed and I to accept my feelings. I ended my long marriage. The OM stayed in my life and flits in and out but it is wrong for both of us. I now know it was the sex surge of menopause. Lasted a few months but I never recovered as it opened up a can of worms for me.

I’d started looking at other men and started dressing differently too! Started flirting! Totally not me but I realised there were deep issues there with my marriage.

Sex surge of the me opause is real. Unfortunately :D

Haha! I had the perimenopausal sex surge at 43, 3 years after I left my marriage. Unfortunately I had family stuff going on and then Covid hit so it's been nearly 6 years since I've had full IRL 😱!

If you don't want anything outside the context of a relationship can highly recommend LoveHoney.

Otherwise it's amazing what/who you can find online, and not always via typical OLD sites.

I've had a year long 'situationship' with a guy 13 years my junior which wasn't exactly sexual but very flirty and a lot of fun, and a handful of sext flings...one of whom I met a couple of times for some. .ahem...fun, one very long distance and one who still messages from time to time. Only met one of them via OLD...the other three via social media.

It's worked for me due to lockdown and other stuff I've had going on, but am thinking more about looking for something a bit more significant going forward.

I've been very lucky that the guys I've 'met' have been pretty respectful of my wishes and boundaries, but it goes without saying you need to be mindful of what you might be getting into. On the while I've found it all a positive experience

I'm a perimenopausal woman.... my sex drive died for years (while I was in a relationship) and now I'm single... ironically back with gusto!!!

Thanks for those responses. Sorry I was off grid. Yeah it’s complicated as I’m a little afraid of men! I’ll check out LoveHoney. Thanks for the tip.

My sex drive was dead for the last few years of my marriage. Then I unexpectedly met someone who has rekindled it to ridiculous levels. Only see him infrequently and thinking zi need to get a couple of side gigs

Good for you @JangolinaPitt

Envy!!

@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty Can you elaborate on what you mean by not typical OLD sites? I'm also in the single parent/family stuff/Covid years and years long dry spell since leaving my marriage and I honestly don't quite know how to end it. I find the idea of OLD weirdly off-putting, not least of all because I just don't want people I know to see me on there. And I know, they'd be on there too, but it leaves me feeling too exposed.

I'd way rather meet someone in real life but despite that fact that I actually have a generally quite good social life and lots of hobbies, I just never really meet anyone I'm interested in. It's funny because before I met my husband I was very sexually open and adventurous. Definitely the "Samantha" of my friends. I feel like I shouldn't be finding it this hard but I guess the thing is I'm not really that into the idea of a relationship. But definitely don't want to be any kind of 'other woman.'

[quote trancepants]@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty Can you elaborate on what you mean by not typical OLD sites? I'm also in the single parent/family stuff/Covid years and years long dry spell since leaving my marriage and I honestly don't quite know how to end it. I find the idea of OLD weirdly off-putting, not least of all because I just don't want people I know to see me on there. And I know, they'd be on there too, but it leaves me feeling too exposed.

I'd way rather meet someone in real life but despite that fact that I actually have a generally quite good social life and lots of hobbies, I just never really meet anyone I'm interested in. It's funny because before I met my husband I was very sexually open and adventurous. Definitely the "Samantha" of my friends. I feel like I shouldn't be finding it this hard but I guess the thing is I'm not really that into the idea of a relationship. But definitely don't want to be any kind of 'other woman.'[/quote]
You can go incognito on some of the dating sites but it costs about £10 a month extra on top of the normal fee so can get costly. I am the same as you, I didn’t want anyone I know seeing me! I joined Bumble and females make the first move on there. Also, I’m giving Match a go but won’t pay for both every month! I took out a 6 month subs with them.

Like another poster said, u can come across men online and it doesn’t have to be a dating site. I lived in a sexless marriage and was very unhappy for years. I made very good friends with a man online and we ended up meeting a few times and he woke me up in more way than one! I ended my marriage - it was obvious why I’d been so unhappy.

@trancepants have PM'd you

You don't need to pay to go incognito tbh.

Use a fake name and an ambiguous photo. Only move to WhatsApp when you're sure of the person - it's easy enough to block someone if you change your mind.

Alternatively use the Kik app which doesn't require you to share your phone number or email address.

Try Plentymorenaughtyfish. It's not match, put it that way.

As with all sites, there's real weirdos on there, but once you sort the wheat from the chaff, I found some lovely respectful intelligent guys. 2 were long standing fwb's for over a year before things began with new man.

@Jumpking

Try Plentymorenaughtyfish. It's not match, put it that way.

As with all sites, there's real weirdos on there, but once you sort the wheat from the chaff, I found some lovely respectful intelligent guys. 2 were long standing fwb's for over a year before things began with new man.

Oh, and it's free for women to join. Men have to pay a monthly sub. Worth a go to see if it's for you?

I just wouldn’t be able for those apps. I’m on a dating app and even that has me freaked sometimes at the unsavoury messages men send. Sometimes it makes me wonder why I’m even interested in men … but I guess it’s just people. The OLD world exposes people’s yucky sides maybe

@Nouveaunew - OLD is an absolute minefield! There really are good people on them, but you do have to fight through a lot that are married / scammers / unsavoury whilst you look for one!

Good luck!

@Nouveaunew

I just wouldn’t be able for those apps. I’m on a dating app and even that has me freaked sometimes at the unsavoury messages men send. Sometimes it makes me wonder why I’m even interested in men … but I guess it’s just people. The OLD world exposes people’s yucky sides maybe

If that's how you feel you're much better off with LoveHoney and some female centric porn (or Google for fan fiction if you have any favourite fictional characters - that's a lot of fun )

Then try and meet someone when you're feeling a bit more in the right headspace or via hobbies etc rather than OLD.

Thanks @AverageGuy and @VeryMuchFlaggingMinty

Honestly, FWBs are so fun. I had a couple before I was married and loved it. I also never thought I was 'they type' but once I met them (one in particular) we always had a great time. We'd normally hang out at mine, have a shag, then a coffee and he'd bog off. We'd WhatsApp between sessions, sometimes flirty, sometimes just 'how's your day?'. It was nice!

Don't knock it until you've tried it.

@UnicornPooPoo

I am open to it and I do think it’s a good idea but I guess it’s finding that person I could be that intimate but also breezy with … It would be nice!