What makes people more sexual than others!

SummerDaysss · 2022-03-24T15:14:49+00:00

Just as the title says…. I have a group of friends 30’s to early 40’s, many of them seem to be uninterested in sex, most admit to rarely having sex with their husbands, or doing it out of duty. I still very much enjoy sex and always have, I don’t admit to this because I feel like the odd one out.

DevonshireCat · 24/03/2022 17:29

I can't watch this go unanswered. It's brilliant that you have done and still enjoy sex. From what I see on this board that's still the same as most people, women or men, on here. You're not the odd one out. You have a positive view of the thing that marks out the difference between friends and partners.

There are an awful lot of people who see it as duty. I'm generalising but one here when a woman does it out of duty it's seen as coercion and no-one has a right to sex, and when a man feels that duty it's his place to do what his partner needs to stay connected. Neither view is helpful and there are lots of factors and lots of grey areas.

Take some comfort in the fact that you feel like most of us feel, and guess there's an element of your group dragging each other down. Why would anyone admit to enjoying it once most say they dont?

MrsGHarrison87 · 24/03/2022 17:30

I love sex too. Honestly, it's always on my mind. I've been like this since I was about 16, my sex drive lowered slightly after I got sterilised but now it's full on again. My friends are the same as yours. Maybe they're just shy but I feel like they think masturbation and sex is something to be ashamed of.

Shunter350 · 24/03/2022 20:28

I'm 57 and enjoy sex very much. However there has to be an emotional attachment for me.
As a bloke I worry that any future partner may not have the same interest in sex, as I almost constantly read or hear about women who just can't be bothered with it all.
For me emotional and physical intimacy are vital in a relationship.

Catullus5 · 24/03/2022 22:44

Yesterday I was listening to The Documentary on Radio 4.

Yes, a big passion-killer perhaps. In fact, it was on why people on general are having less sex. The presenter interviewed an evolutionary psychologist who said, pretty plainly, that men in general have a greater desire for frequency, variety and quantity of sex than women.

A bit of an unpopular viewpoint, but I think one that is entirely borne out by the way sex is discussed on Mumsnet. The predominant impression I get is that the 'ick' factor is never far from the surface. The sex board is not well spoken of. The other impression I get is that sex is something the average Mnetter has 'done to' them. They are the more passive partner in the pair, and that's not a great way to get what you want in bed.

I'd bet the OP's friends' husbands are a little frustrated and taking matters into their own hands.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 24/03/2022 23:11

My drive is very high too with my current partner ( 3 years) to the point I get frustrated luckily his is high too so its sorted when he's home 😏 we have a brilliant relationship in just about all other are easy but previous partner was dv and I had no drive. The time between them 2 high drive so I think it's a mixture of connection and tbh and self happiness. Before dp at times where I couldn't relieve myself for days I'd lose interest day by day and no joke I was miserable and snappy ! As soon as I went ahead and did it boooom happy =)

Internaljukebox · 25/03/2022 03:43

I think a lot depends if your happy in yourself either alone or with a partner...I've always had a super high sex drive but previous partner while not extinguishing it totally wore away my self confidence to the point it was just a mechanical performance from me .
Fast forward to now and my current partner ...sex drive is sky high again , we live about an hour apart and he works away so we only see each other a few times a month but the sex is amazing and we have plenty of chat and video calls..I just generally feel happy and sexy 😌

StarlightLady · 25/03/2022 06:05

I’m in my early 40s. I think a lot can depend on upbringing, attitude and those early touches together with others around you.

Some male attitudes don’t help either, women become frightened of their own sexuality, name calling etc and that leads to fear of letting go. Add to that the fear of unwanted pregnancy.

I am comfortable with my own body, not bothered who sees me naked, blemishes and age related things too. I was never brought up to believe that sex was wrong or in any way dirty. Mum (now passed away) used to say to sister and l, if something is not making you feel nice either stop doing it. We were also told there was nothing to be ashamed about the naked form but to be aware of bad people. Mum was also very much a feminist and used to say that the whole “virginity” thing was a male driven concept to control and belittle women.

My clitty became my best friend early on. I received oral some time before experiencing penetrative sex too. I’m pleased it happened in that order.

Most friends l am close to enjoy are quite sexual women and judgemental has never been on the menu. Some are in long term relationships, others not. It doesn’t matter.

Original poster

SummerDaysss · 25/03/2022 12:08

@MrsGHarrison87

I love sex too. Honestly, it's always on my mind. I've been like this since I was about 16, my sex drive lowered slightly after I got sterilised but now it's full on again. My friends are the same as yours. Maybe they're just shy but I feel like they think masturbation and sex is something to be ashamed of.

I am very similar, many of my relationships have been very sexual and it’s not something I’ve ever got bored with. It almost feels like a need. I do wonder whether things may change with age but I don’t see that happening.

@Catullus5 I often think about how the husbands feel, I mean are they happy with that, or are they in-fact living very unhappy sexless lives.

OP posts:

Shunter350 · 25/03/2022 12:31

@SummerDaysss well as a husband of 25 years, I felt unwanted and miserable. I separated a few months back and have had one brief intimate relationship which lasted a couple of months. It was warm and wonderful, other issues ending it.
I would rather be alone than having to endure a cold marriage.

Original poster

SummerDaysss · 25/03/2022 16:15

[quote Shunter350]@SummerDaysss well as a husband of 25 years, I felt unwanted and miserable. I separated a few months back and have had one brief intimate relationship which lasted a couple of months. It was warm and wonderful, other issues ending it.
I would rather be alone than having to endure a cold marriage.[/quote]
I can imagine it would have led you to feel that way, did you speak with your wife about this before your separation?

OP posts:

Shunter350 · 25/03/2022 16:38

Yes. But it was dismissed "all you ever think about", "maybe tonight", "what you after", etc etc..
There were other issues but from my side it was the complete lack of "being wanted"'and emotional warmth that eventually put me under..

Catullus5 · 25/03/2022 19:22

@SummerDaysss

There's an alternative: they've decided to put up with occasional and / or duty sex because they've decided that's as good as it gets. Also, if the husbands are in their 40s, their sex drive won't be what it was. Also they are probably alleviating the boredom by using porn. But would they be completely content with that? I very much doubt it.

Do their relationships also seem a bit stale?

Woodsie54 · 25/03/2022 19:32

People will not admit to this in public it is similar to the question of how you would vote when there is an election. Oh .... I have nat made my mind up yet basically means I am not telling you!

Catullus5 · 25/03/2022 19:44

Just to add that the BBC Radio programme is very interesting and is here:
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0bwpxjb

A statistic given in the programme is that the top 80% of women on Tinder go for the top 20% (described as "economically attractive") of men. So in comparison to men women are more willing to go without sex and relationships. In the past that group would have settled for social and economic reasons and perhaps this includes the OP's friends.

(It also means there is an elite group of men who have less reason to settle.)

Original poster

SummerDaysss · 25/03/2022 21:11

@Shunter350

I can see how that’s not helpful and dismissing your feelings and your need to feel wanted. I hope your future is a happier one.

@Catullus5

I would say their relationships seem neutral, although I have no idea how their interactions are at home. I think you’re right, maybe there’s an element of acceptance, or maybe there is a discontentment and how they deal with that, is anyones guess.

OP posts:

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 26/03/2022 07:21

I think it would be interesting to ask people to define what sex is, and what makes great sex.

I personally think far too many people focus on the act of sex, the mechanics, rather than the connection. That's just from listening to people chatter so in no way a scientific study. Sex between couples is also competing with porn, which is a very selfish act.

I think sex is best when it's a connection, a spiritual feeling of discovery, from general chatter I'm not sure everyone agrees or has even thought about sex in that way. I certainly know that after discovering chem-sex (MDMA) yrs ago, this can be replicated without, by focusing on lengthy love-making rather than alcohol and a quick bang as people say.

Estherpologist · 26/03/2022 07:49

Upbringing. Mainstream media. The church. Friends. Politics. Family. Social media. Hormones. Experiences. Guilt. Self worth.
I think almost anything can affect how sexual you are.
You're probably asking a reasonably self selecting audience as MNers who aren't interested in sex probably don't hang around the sex board as much.

Wack · 26/03/2022 08:46

I'm 57 and enjoy sex very much. However there has to be an emotional attachment for me.
As a bloke I worry that any future partner may not have the same interest in sex, as I almost constantly read or hear about women who just can't be bothered with it all.
For me emotional and physical intimacy are vital in a relationship.

Nicely said Shunter350, my sentiments exactly.

Shunter350 · 26/03/2022 11:17

@Estherpologist

Upbringing. Mainstream media. The church. Friends. Politics. Family. Social media. Hormones. Experiences. Guilt. Self worth. I think almost anything can affect how sexual you are. You're probably asking a reasonably self selecting audience as MNers who aren't interested in sex probably don't hang around the sex board as much.

Absolutely.. just like everything else only those interested in the subject will be here.. and those who aren't won't..

Shunter350 · 26/03/2022 11:20

@Hrpuffnstuff1

I think it would be interesting to ask people to define what sex is, and what makes great sex.

I personally think far too many people focus on the act of sex, the mechanics, rather than the connection. That's just from listening to people chatter so in no way a scientific study. Sex between couples is also competing with porn, which is a very selfish act.

I think sex is best when it's a connection, a spiritual feeling of discovery, from general chatter I'm not sure everyone agrees or has even thought about sex in that way. I certainly know that after discovering chem-sex (MDMA) yrs ago, this can be replicated without, by focusing on lengthy love-making rather than alcohol and a quick bang as people say.

Agreed., the mechanics are fantastic but only when there is an emotional connection. For me the intimacy starts with the look, the blethers, the hand holding and the cuddling. I miss all that massively.. I can't imagine than a 10 minute fumble then the awkwardness of getting dressed and going. No thank you..

Shunter350 · 26/03/2022 11:22

... can't imagine anything worse than...

beansonpizza · 26/03/2022 11:22

I always had a very high sex drive and always initiated sex. However, after 20 years and 4DC, I now feel quite disconnected and would rather take matters into my own hands. This has slowly crept up on me over the last couple of years. I have asked DH to initiate, he says he can't remember how.

So we bumble along day to day, I perform dutifully once a week and I try to get my kicks mentally as I really don't want to be unfaithful.

But inside, I am just bubbling! It's getting worse as I approach my mid 40's too!

beansonpizza · 26/03/2022 11:24

@Shunter350

... can't imagine anything worse than...

And agreed @Shunter350. There definitely needs to be anticipation and a build up. And I can never fully relax and explore with someone I had just met or was never going to see again. What's the point? I'd rather please myself.

Original poster

SummerDaysss · 26/03/2022 11:30

@Estherpologist

Upbringing. Mainstream media. The church. Friends. Politics. Family. Social media. Hormones. Experiences. Guilt. Self worth. I think almost anything can affect how sexual you are. You're probably asking a reasonably self selecting audience as MNers who aren't interested in sex probably don't hang around the sex board as much.

@Estherpologist

It’s not always about the opinions of Mumsnetters though, often people share experiences of others they associate with which is what my post was based on, or maybe forming their own opinions based on speculation.

OP posts:

MrsGHarrison87 · 26/03/2022 11:47

@Shunter350

... can't imagine anything worse than...

I agree. I think sex is better with someone you love or care about. I feel more comfortable to " let go" and its more about making love to the other person rather than just getting off. I've had a lot of casual sex in the past, some good, but if I found myself single now I'm not sure if I'd go back to that. I'd rather masturbate when I need a release. Sex with my husband is about orgasming of course but also about being close to him and doing it because it's with him and not just anyone.