Maturation in a sexless relationship

[Estherpologist]

I'm in a sexless marriage. Separate rooms for years. I miss sex. I masturbate most days. It scratches an inch that desperately needs scratching, but sometimes I just give up almost as soon as I've started because I miss the intimacy and connection and even wanting sex sometimes just feels crap.
Does anyone else in a sexless relationship feel crap about masturbating, and how do you deal with that?

Would it help to think of this as separate to the issue with your partner? I like to have a healthy sexual relationship with myself regardless of other people I'm sleeping with.

I was single for a while having left a sexless relationship (for many reasons and the main one was drinking not lack of sex) and like most men I masturbated regularly. It gave a brief release but ultimately for me was no real pleasure. I'm now in a relationship and, while we don't have sex every day when we do (actually usually Friday afternoons before her child gets home from school) we have a long session and it's wonderful. I would suggest you Talk to your OH. Be honest with them. Tell them you deserve a sex life. Couples therapy maybe? If it's a physical problem preventing the possibility of intercourse seek help. Start sharing a bed again. Make time for sex....we do....Most importantly don't let it fester any longer. Ultimately if your OH won't engage with you it may be time to call time on your marriage and seek a fulfilling relationship that includes intimacy with someone else..hope you do relight the fire...presumably you did once have regular sex?

@inininsomnia Don't get me wrong - I enjoy masturbating and I like that I do and I think I have a mostly healthy sexual relationship with myself. I just need to find a way to deal with the emotions when scratching the itch isn't enough.

@Sparkybloke We've done the talking and the therapy. Life just isisn'that simple. And yes, divorce is quite possible.
Have a great afternoon!

@Esterpologist.. Oh I'm so sorry. Life is very complicated. I left because of drink although a consequence of drink was no sex. Most studies do say that relationships are stronger with a sexual connection. How much people have sex depends on a zillion things, ages, work, hormones...for some once a day is not enough. For others once a month is fine...
For me a relationship without sexual connection is just friends. My new partner and I have had our ups and downs in the intimacy dept but mostly due to the practically of life. We are now in a more relaxed life work wise and have worked to rekindle our sexual side and it is rather lovely.
Don't make panic decisions but I suspect you are already at a point where you know what you need to do. There are partners out there who will give you Love and a fulfilling sex life!

@Estherpologist - there is a sexless marriage "support" thread, if you are interested in joining us.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4374940-sexless-marriage-thread-anyone-want-to-join

I realise it isn't what you're asking but why stay?! it sounds awful. Surely to be single and having healthy sexual relationships would be preferable to this. No, life isn't easy but it is in our control whether we stay in crap relationships or not.

In answer to your question though masturbation is completely healthy and normal so why feel crap about it. Either stay and try and reconnect or leave and find someone else.

I’m sorry to hear this. Jenny Keane does lots of work around masturbation & shame and all things sexual/self love related. Her website is: www.jennykeane.com/ and if you are on Instagram she is @hellojennykeane
Her saved stories on Instagram might be helpful to you.
Good luck @Estherpologist I hope things soon improve for you.

@AverageGuy That sounds like a hookup thread. 😀 I'm sure it's not. I'll have a look, thanks.
@JaniieJones Happiness is balancing the scales. There's a lot more at stake than sex.
@Whatliesbeneath707 Thanks. I'll take a look. But to be clear, I feel no shame about maturation - I'd almost go as far as to same I'm proud of feeling more comfortable with it than a lot of people. I think it's just a sense of lonliness that it causes sometimes.

Personally I think masturbation is okay for a “release”, as such, but good sex is so much more than that, the closeness, the touching the anticipation, especially with a good partner.

But bad sex with a crap partner is probably worse than no sex at all.

@FabulousMrFifty

Personally I think masturbation is okay for a “release”, as such, but good sex is so much more than that, the closeness, the touching the anticipation, especially with a good partner.

But bad sex with a crap partner is probably worse than no sex at all.

That last sentence says it all for me!

Masturbation is great but daily for months/years on end without the variety of having sex, having loving intimacy or giving/receiving oral too makes it just boring.

I went through a phase of masturbation every morning after ex left for work.
I fell pregnant, we were actively having sex a couple times a week then. About 4 weeks after falling pregnant (Jul 2017) he wouldn't touch me. Including during the months of pregnancy where I was sex mad and literally begging for sex.
So every morning I'd masturbate.
And this carried on for nearly 2 years. DD was 1 (May 2019) by the time he actually felt comfortable!
And we had sex once and that was the last time we ever did it.
We eventually split. Not just the lack of sex, but the intimacy being gone, no kissing or touching.
Not even any oral. Nothing. I felt unwanted. And eventually I fell out of love. he just became a sibling essentially. And a very annoying one too. That last time we had sex was fucking awkward and weird and just felt intensly wrong. The feelings were gone.

I would say, talk it out. But essentially I don't think there is any point in remaining in something where there is zero intimacy. Life is too short to not be cuddling the one you love in front of the TV.

I've been with my current partner now for nearly
2y ears and after split with ex I never thought I'd find someone so in tune with my needs and wants and fantasies. We masturbate together, lots of oral given to one another, and yes in 2 years its still very porn but also very intimate between us. Its perfection. I still can't believe it at times. Leaving a secrets and intimacy-less (is that a word?) marriage was the best decision I made.

*sexless not secrets!

@BunsOfAnarchy
So glad it worked out for you. Where did you find your new man? He sounds lovely! Did your ex meet anyone else?

@BunsOfAnarchy that sounds lovely!!! It would be intensely wrong for me and DH to ever have sex again, and I've told him I'll never ever have sex with him again. In fact the last time we did it was conceiving our youngest in Feb 2011.... He seems to think this is all fine
I am wasting my life (as is he) and I wish I could just tell him it's done so I can go and find what you've got!!! I am climbing the walls!

@CosmicUnicorn my new man happened to be a colleague. One I initially hated lol. We both connected over having breakdowns in our relationships for pretty much the same kinda reasons, became best friends and eventually realised we were pretty identical in how we perceived, life in general, loving relationships and sex. I love the fantasies that porn creates, its so hot and dirty and naughty but I never thought it would ever translate well into a loving relationship. Oh but it did. We get hot and dirty. But we also are so deeply in love that we make love also.

@19Bears
Think of it this way. This is the only life you can guarantee you have. So why waste it? It's difficult splitting up but uts worth it. In the end I had to because aside from intimacy issues, exH and I were arguing too much and I realised I was setting a horrible example to my DD by staying with a man I didn't love, and remaining unhappy.

This is wonderful @BunsOfAnarchy the perfect mix of sex and love. Wonderful!!
And yes, I don't want my boys to think this is normal. I think they do realise that already. I don't want to waste any more of my life when I could have what you have

@19bears
Its odd. Because the only time I realised what was happening around me is when I wondered what DD would do if she was older and in my position. And I was horrified at myself. I know that I'd tell her to run a mile and find herself the person who will love and cherish her the way she would love and cherish them.
STBXH and I have a great co parenting relationship. But it took us a long time to finally get there. Splitting isn't easy in the slightest, he made it horribly rough at first and it's been dragged out over 2 years but finally it's good enough that DD sees 2 happy parents, that are not together but love her and respect one another.

Thank you @BunsOfAnarchy Sometimes you need someone else to make you think. Of course I would tell my daughter to run for the hills if she was in the position I'm in. And I know my own mum desperately wants me to get out of the situation I'm in and just find happiness. It's so obvious. Why can't I do it? He's back home early in the morning and I'm dreading the key in the door. All I have to do is tell him it's over, and we both start on the path to co-parenting. That's all I have to do!!

@19Bears if you have the strength to do it, and it's safe then just do it. Maybe tell your family first, have your circle of support ready around you, its so important you have those who love you around you to help you through this.

I know they will all be there for me in every way they can. My mum, brothers and sisters, friends, they all know and all want me to be happy. Him on the other hand, he doesn't have any family or friends here, and I feel as if I'll be abandoning him with no support. I know I shouldn't think this way, but it does hold me back....

@BunsOfAnarchy
Oh wow! That’s really amazing. It just goes to show that staying in the wrong relationship is so damaging and that true love - and someone we really connect with - really does exist. So happy for you!

@19Bears
I really hope you make the right decision - which, I think, you already know. It’s soul destroying staying in the wrong relationship. I struggled for a long time with my relationship as - like you - knew I could never have sex with my stbx again. I hadn’t had sex with him for ten years! I just couldn’t. You also know what happened to me when I reached menopause age and I can’t belt I had got to that point that that happened but it did and it changed my view on the marriage completely (and blew my mind at the same time). My stbx was absolutely oblivious to my unhappiness and hasn’t spoken to me since he left in the spring. He hardly ever has the youngest but the eldest feels sorry for him! His sister has also shut me out and he thinks I have lost the plot! No sex for ten years. No kissing. No compliments. No communication. Nothing. I took my wedding ring off in 2018 and he never noticed. Lost the plot? I don’t think so!

Do it! Life is too short!!

*believe not belt!!

@CosmicUnicorn

I cant believe his sister!
But good on you, how do you feel since he left? It's insane how long we allow ourselves to carry on like this. But better late than never!

@BunsOfAnarchy
His sister wouldn’t have had a clue what was going on anyway and, even if she did, she’d never understand as she never married/had a boyfriend (proper spinster).
I felt great relief when he left tbh. I’d been getting very anxious around him and that stopped after he’s gone. I feel in a lost state atm as I am still living in the family home awaiting a settlement figure before I can put the house up for sale. Once I’m out and the divorce is finalised I will be free!
I can’t believe how long I lived like this!