FWB and expectations!

[Ladywholoveswine]

I am a newly single Mum with children. I don’t want another relationship, for various reasons but I would like to have something casual, something along the lines of a FWB but without the expectations of a relationship. I know it’s important to be cautious being a woman but I don’t know where I’d start. This would only happen when my children were with their Dad, also I would not accept them into my home, unless we’d established trust and I got to know them well and also it wouldn’t be when my children were at home.
I don’t really know the set up of a FWB, like do you go out to places together? Or is it purely friendship with the added sex part. What are the expectations?

I guess the first question is, do you or your friends have anyone who's benefits you'd like to benefit from?

I don't, so I'm now on Fab Swingers (not just a swinging site) and an talking to some people there. I have a profile on Tinder but it's not saying I want FWB but did start talking to someone on there but it didn't happen.

Have a look at some of the threads on here. I started one a few days ago about logistics which was useful.

Re expectations

I think these are yours to set. Be very very clear in yourself what you want, make your boundaries very clear and stick to them.

You don't owe anything so if you don't like it, shut it down and move on. What I like about Fab is you can set all that out early on, in a discreet way.

If it helps, for me the Friend part means we get along, have a laugh when together, but that's it. I want to enjoy being with the guy, not just what we do together.

I'm in the same boat as you by the way. I feel like I'm emerging from a cocoon, so I've said to mine that I'm going to dictate the pace, and if that's too tame or boring, then they can move on!

I've had two. One for almost three years. We had days out. Weekends away. Met each other's family and friends. We were an hours drive away from each other. We were not exclusive. We knew the jist of what was going on in each other's lives, but we never rubbed each other's faces in it.

We would normally spend Saturday Sunday together once a month.

@GentlemanJay

I've had two. One for almost three years. We had days out. Weekends away. Met each other's family and friends. We were an hours drive away from each other. We were not exclusive. We knew the jist of what was going on in each other's lives, but we never rubbed each other's faces in it.

We would normally spend Saturday Sunday together once a month.

@GentlemanJay

Why did your 3 year arrangement end out of curiosity? And did either of you develop feelings for each other?

It's a long long story. Far too long for here.

I will say my second FWBs did develop feelings. That's what ultimately ended it.

I have two FWBs. One, we only meet up very occasionally, and the other maybe once a month. (now lockdown has ended) .

The last time we met up, it was just a walk in the park one Sunday afternoon, a hug at the beginning and a hug and some kissing at the end.

We sometimes spend a night together and don't have any sex.

As others have said, it is 100% on your terms. Certainly, keep the children out of it completely, especially if it is only for sex and no other future relationship.

If you only want sex, that's fine as with my occasional FWB, and with my wife and her FWB, but with my regular one, we go out for meals, walks. shopping, cinema and so on. It is purely down to you, no rights and wrongs

Don't invite them into your home until you know the better, as you've already said.

We all know the situation and no feelings have ever developed and that has never been a concern.

@Ladywholoveswine - I've had two FWB. and looking for another! With both of them, the F bit was just as important as the B bit.

We would go out for meals, to the cinema, have weekends away, spend evenings talking about everything, etc, but there was always time for sex...

imho, someone you meet just for sex is a FB, not FWB.

Fabswingers can be a place to go, but it's pretty full on. If you go that route, set your filters carefully. You can hide your profile, and look around anonymously.

KillingKittens is another site - this is female led, in that the female has to make the first moves - that may suit you better.

Any normal dating site can be used to find a FWB (that's where I found mine) Just be clear on your profile what you are looking for.

Whatever route you decide on, I'm sure that you will be spoilt for choice!

@GentlemanJay

It's a long long story. Far too long for here.

@GentlemanJay

Thank you for responding. My very good male friend insists that women always want more (single females) and cannot handle fwb situations for long. They may truly believe they can 'handle' the situation, but ultimately the necessity for connection/'background story'/a reason to justify to themselves that what they're engaging in has meaning and substance ..and that they will change the man's opinion...

That's what happened with one FWB. She got feelings and suddenly wasn't happy with me seeing other people. She was happy with it to start with. She was seeing others too.

One more thing for every woman there's a man that can't handle the dynamic too. You'd be surprised.

Thanks all, some very useful advice.

@Getbehindme I do know some who would be happy with a FB set up but they’re married and it’s not something I’m prepared to do.

I can understand the concerns with feelings, I can’t say that won’t happen but right now a relationship is the last thing I want and not something I want in the distant future either. So I’d have to be clear and break away, if feelings did get involved either side.

@Ladywholoveswine

Thanks all, some very useful advice.

@Getbehindme I do know some who would be happy with a FB set up but they’re married and it’s not something I’m prepared to do.

I can understand the concerns with feelings, I can’t say that won’t happen but right now a relationship is the last thing I want and not something I want in the distant future either. So I’d have to be clear and break away, if feelings did get involved either side.

I would add that if you really don't want a FWB who's married that's fine, but both my wife and I have our own FWBs, all our FWBs know we are married and both my FWBs know about each other as well as my wife.

If everyone is open about it, it certainly helps.

There is someone talking to me and says he's married but his wife knows.

I'm not sure how you confirm mind you?

Plus it's a bit triggering for me as my ex had a while life I didn't know about!

@bedtimeisthebest - If both parties are happy with it and aware then I wouldn’t have an issue with it but this is guys who want a bit on the side, without their wives being aware.

@Getbehindme - I guess there is no real way of knowing, it’s why I’d want to ensure single guys only.

[quote Ladywholoveswine]@bedtimeisthebest - If both parties are happy with it and aware then I wouldn’t have an issue with it but this is guys who want a bit on the side, without their wives being aware.

@Getbehindme - I guess there is no real way of knowing, it’s why I’d want to ensure single guys only.[/quote]
My wife and my WFB, along with her mum, all went out for a meal some years ago, plus they have spoken on the phone a few times, so no issues for us, but it's correct to say that he can easily say his wife knows about you when in fact she has no clue.
Other than talking to her, I'm not sure how you'd be sure,

Well the beauty of Fab is that there are plenty more fish in the sea. Or should I say, dicks in the pics.

It's very simple to weed out the attached guys on Fab. All the signs are usually there. If they can't accommodate (how many 40 something guys share a house)? If it doesn't feel right, it normally isn't.

I had a female friend on Fab who was seeing a "single" guy she met on there.

When he came to her house he always had a shower before leaving, but insisted on bringing and using his own shower gel. Why would that be? Funnily enough she hadn't realised till I told her.

takes notes

Just because a guy can't accommodate doesn't mean he's married.

My daughter, who currently lives with me is in a very high risk category for Covid, so we don't let very many people in. I simply can't take the risk that she will catch it as it would likely be fatal...

@AverageGuy - That’s true, I know that some people probably have to stay with relatives too after a marriage/relationship breakdown because of the high costs of living, especially when there’s children involved, so I guess that could be another reason why they couldn’t accommodate, if they wanted to keep that part of their life private.

I hope your daughter stays safe @AverageGuy xx

@Ladywholoveswine thanks!
We're doing our best to keep her safe & healthy.

Just ask the guy why he can't accommodate. He may have a good reason.

@AverageGuy - Thank you, I will do 👍🏻

@Ladywholoveswine I'm teetering on the edge of where you are - almost certainly being single, but wanting something that doesn't come with expectations or demands.

I understand why others say it's all down to me to choose what I want, but I think that's completely unfair on a FWB. That's treating them as if their emotions don't matter, and what ever I expect from them, they have a right to expect from me. If I'm not prepared to make that concession, i should expect to pay for their time and company ... which is just as OK as a FWB. But it does mean I may not be suited to a FWB.

And something a swinger said to me which really made me think was that if you're essentially monogamous, it's probably not for you. It's probably not for me.

Good luck, stay safe and have fun.❤

But if you communicate those expectations and boundaries, the other person has a choice if they think they want a part in it?? And they can let you know too and you can make a decision as well?