FWB and expectations!

[Ladywholoveswine]

I am a newly single Mum with children. I don’t want another relationship, for various reasons but I would like to have something casual, something along the lines of a FWB but without the expectations of a relationship. I know it’s important to be cautious being a woman but I don’t know where I’d start. This would only happen when my children were with their Dad, also I would not accept them into my home, unless we’d established trust and I got to know them well and also it wouldn’t be when my children were at home.
I don’t really know the set up of a FWB, like do you go out to places together? Or is it purely friendship with the added sex part. What are the expectations?

I've had one who I met via a dating site (POF). He lived a messed up life as in a bit of a hoarder, smoking weed, no money but we got on well and I used to see him every fortnight at his place. In a strange way it was still an escape from my busy, single, working mum life and he was excellent in bed. I think it can work if you definitely can't see any future. I did find myself resenting him at times because he just wasn't this person I could rely on emotionally and I began to think I should look for someone who could do this and have great sex! I would keep an open mind with traditional dating sites as well as fab and see what comes up.

I have a FWB and a FB. I think of them collectively as my gentleman friends!

The FWB scenario has been going on two years, we met on adult friend finder originally. It started as FBs I suppose and evolved into FWBs, we now spend weekends together, go out for dinner, have regular contact in between weekends etc etc. If we stopped having sex now we would remain friends.

The FB, on the other hand, it’s all about the sex. Or 90% about it. We don’t stay over, don’t go away together etc. We would text eg if saw an article the other would be interested in, but could go two or three weeks without contacting each other. The sex is bloody amazing . It’s been going on 3 years now. Both men know about each other, nobody is in danger of getting hurt, it’s all good.

@sammylady37

I have a FWB and a FB. I think of them collectively as my gentleman friends!

The FWB scenario has been going on two years, we met on adult friend finder originally. It started as FBs I suppose and evolved into FWBs, we now spend weekends together, go out for dinner, have regular contact in between weekends etc etc. If we stopped having sex now we would remain friends.

The FB, on the other hand, it’s all about the sex. Or 90% about it. We don’t stay over, don’t go away together etc. We would text eg if saw an article the other would be interested in, but could go two or three weeks without contacting each other. The sex is bloody amazing . It’s been going on 3 years now. Both men know about each other, nobody is in danger of getting hurt, it’s all good.

I haven't heard of FB so not sure what it stands for but it sounds like one of my wife's 'gentlemen friends'

She has a FWB who she also sees socially, but she also has a 'fuck friend' and like you that's 90%, at least, what they do. She has never spent the night with him but has booked into hotels for several hours, and sometimes they have gone months with no contact. This she says intensifies the sex they have together. Sometimes when she's spent the afternoon with him the sex we have later is wild. He knows how to turn her on and keep her that way. It certainly benefits me too.

As you've put and I often say, as long as everyone knows about everyone, all will be good.

^ FB is fuck buddy, which is different to a FWB, though ‘gentleman friend’ covers them both quite nicely!

I'm going to call it "taking a lover". Feels very Bridgerton.

I second trying Killing Kittens. Most people on the site aren’t looking to date and develop feelings.
I’d also think about logistics. It’s all fine not wanting to bring anyone to your place. But you seem to be expecting that the man will be providing the place where you meet?
Or are you happy to share hotel bills?

Your options range from NSA sex to more of a FWB. NSA is easy to find on Tinder and the likes. FWB takes a bit more time as it’s more like ‘dating’ just with less pressure.

@Jsku - I didn’t say I never wanted to bring anyone to my place, just that initially, I wouldn’t, which I think is sensible. I’m happy to pay hotel bills and I’d also not want to go to their house initially either, until we’d established trust etc. My safety is paramount and if they don’t understand that, then they aren’t for me.

@Ladywholoveswine I am in an almost identical situation and it's really tricky, I feel even more so following this week's awful news following Sarah Everard's murder.

How do you know if you can trust someone you've only just met? And the fact that you're initially looking to meet someone for sex makes it riskier still.

I'm also on Fab and chatting to someone who seems nice. We've discussed what we both want and I have been very clear about not wanting a relationship, not inviting him to my house etc. I will insist on at least a couple of public social meets but then when you want things to progress....what do you do?

It's interesting to see a few of us in similar situations, good that we can share it here (hopefully) without judgement (as per other threads!)

@Justanothernametoday I think the Sarah case is a reminder of just how vulnerable we are, this could have been any of us.

I think the most important thing, is telling someone where you’ll be and who you’re with, that’s why I think hotel meets are best for the interim. Saying that, I’m not sure how comfortable I feel people knowing this myself, so I’m in a bit of a limbo myself.

The Sarah Everard case is truly awful. That monster has pretty much destroyed a lot of public trust in the police by his actions.

As for "being" with a FWB, if on fab, check their verifications - maybe message some of the people that have left a verification? Doesn't prove a lot, but may make you feel better about meeting them.

Maybe consider a swingers club to meet in? At least it's a public (ish) place, and is set up for casual sex...

And as a Martial Arts instructor - maybe consider taking some form of self defence class?

I told my guy I'd kick his arse, so he's got that memo.

But yes, I agree through the frame of recent events it's hard to know what to do.

I agree that the verifications are a bit of a comfort. It's no coincidence that I'm talking to someone who's verifications talked a lot about how nice he is, as well as his 'prowess' whereas others it was more about the functions they performed.

@AverageGuy I’m actually considering that but what a sad state of affairs that women feel they have to learn how to protect themselves. The truth is, the majority of women would easily be overpowered by a man, I’m petite and I really would have no chance.
At the same time, I know that there are still many genuine men out there.

[quote Ladywholoveswine]@AverageGuy I’m actually considering that but what a sad state of affairs that women feel they have to learn how to protect themselves. The truth is, the majority of women would easily be overpowered by a man, I’m petite and I really would have no chance.
At the same time, I know that there are still many genuine men out there.[/quote]
I've been mulling this over, I'm thinking about the women who are victims of people that are known to them, and seemingly 'random' attacks like Sarah and Sabrina. We kind of fall between the categories, they're relative strangers but you are known to you to a degree. So then I come back to thinking that I'd never leave the house if go down that rabbit hole and that I have to be sensible, use my gut etc and be very clear what my boundaries are and what I'll do if crossed.

I have a friend who is my contact person. When I meet with him, she will have a screen shot of his photo and contact info and my whereabouts, and I will agree a check in with her. This is a friend who's done similar recently having been back in the dating pool so I knew I could a) confide in her without judgement and b) get advice on how to do this as safely as possible.

If you want, I'm happy to be your person, but I think having someone close to you IRL would be better. Do you know anyone who's potentially single and possibly doing similar that you can confide in?

[quote Ladywholoveswine]@AverageGuy I’m actually considering that but what a sad state of affairs that women feel they have to learn how to protect themselves. The truth is, the majority of women would easily be overpowered by a man, I’m petite and I really would have no chance.
At the same time, I know that there are still many genuine men out there.[/quote]
@Ladywholoveswine
There is a lot in the media about male on female violence, but what about female on female? Male on male?

The fact is it's a violent world, and we can all do something to protect ourselves

It's a misconception that size & strength are major considerations in self defence. It's all about technique, and being small, light and nimble can be a real advantage, if you know how.

I'm 6' 2", and @13 stone - My daughter is 5' 4" and about 9 stone, and can easily pick me up and throw me around, and she knows where to strike to cause maximum damage / pain.

There are many genuine men like me out there, but the issue is finding one for a FWB, that isn't cheating on his wife, isn't creepy, isn't a player, drunk, druggie, etc etc etc...

@AverageGuy - I’m not sure what the statistics are with regards to female on female and male on male violence but men against women violence has always been a thing, not just domestic abuse but also murders and it’s most likely highlighted because of the power imbalance. I would have more chance fighting of a female than a male because men are naturally stronger.

I’d like to think I could protect myself in some way but being realistic I would very likely be quickly over-powered. I’m similar height to your daughter but just under 8 stone. Saying that, I am going to look into self-defence classes, I think just having the confidence to know how to protect myself would help.

@Getbehindme To be honest I wouldn’t want anyone to know, I very much suspect it would cause some judgement.

I think you’re right, be cautious and try not to read into things too much.

Having a FWB when you have a wife, isn't cheating if your wife knows you have a FWB.

My wife knows what we do, that we kiss both passionately and intimately.

Honesty is a must for all parties in these situations.

My wife has met both my FWBs and they know about each other, and indeed, know each other.

[quote Ladywholoveswine]@Getbehindme To be honest I wouldn’t want anyone to know, I very much suspect it would cause some judgement.

I think you’re right, be cautious and try not to read into things too much.[/quote]
I get that. I feel very lucky to have a friend in this position. Feel free to DM me if you would like.

@bedtimeisthebest If both partners are aware, then I don’t see the problem but for me, I don’t want to involve myself sexually in someone else’s marriage, I am glad it works for you though.

@Getbehindme I’m going to have a think about what to do and what I really want.
Will DM you, if I need your help