Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Sex

You need to have been registered for 7 days to post in the Sex forum. Please don’t send unwanted PMs to other users.

Original poster

He can't...finish.

37 replies

Sunshinealligator · 12/08/2021 21:06

Me and DH have been together for almost 11 years, sex has never been what I would consider great. Weve had great times, but he has always been less interested in it than me.

I'd ideally have sex most days, he would be happy with once a month or maybe even less.

Over time I've got used to that.

Over the years he has used excuses like, you never buy yourself new clothes, at one point he said my weight was a problem.
He has said he's stressed at times.

Right now, more money is coming into our house than ever, he isn't stressed, or doesn't have any reason to be. I've lost lots of weight. I look good. Were happy.

Recently when we are intimate, he can't finish.

Recently I bought a sexy underwear set. We finished work early. The house was empty, I put my underwear on, we got down to it.

Again, he couldn't finish.

He doesn't really want to talk about it. Hes just saying, he can't.
He put me in all these different positions, and he just couldn't.

Its made me feel really upset. More upset than even when he hasn't wanted to be intimate with me.

I feel so upset, but he won't really talk about it.

Can couples get past this?

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 12/08/2021 21:08

how old is he?

Original poster
Sunshinealligator · 12/08/2021 21:09

@fallfallfall

how old is he?
Hes 36. So still pretty young for him to be having these sorts of issues
OP posts:
Jerseygirl12 · 12/08/2021 21:13

Does it matter if he doesn’t ejaculate when you have sex? Could you try some mutual or self masturbation afterwards instead? He may feel
Less pressure then.

TheNinny · 12/08/2021 21:13

Has he got into a habit of masturbating so then isn’t up to it when sex is back on?

DuckPancake · 12/08/2021 21:14

Only recently he can't finish? So this wasn't a problem before? How recent are we talking?

Moonmelodies · 12/08/2021 21:16

Not everyone has an orgasm during sex.

LagunaBubbles · 12/08/2021 21:16

Hes clearly got an issue and has had for a while that he either can't or doesn't want to admit to therefore projecting it onto you.

SparklingLime · 12/08/2021 21:17

This suggests an increasing porn issue to me.

Changethetoner · 12/08/2021 21:21

Is he worried about getting you pregnant?

giftswap2020 · 12/08/2021 21:22

Is he depressed, maybe on medication, as I think some medications can have this effect?

Purpoole · 12/08/2021 21:23

My guess is a secret porn addiction

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 12/08/2021 21:23

The vast majority of women don't get to orgasm during sex, I'm sure he can cope too!

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 12/08/2021 21:24

Porn

HarrisMcCoo · 12/08/2021 21:25

Talking about it will make it worse. Make sure you have fun and don't discuss it. Take expectations away. Just enjoy the moment.

LilyinWonderland · 12/08/2021 21:25

Is he masturbating regularly? Or watching a lot of porn?

You can get passed it but only if you talk about it properly.

Original poster
Sunshinealligator · 12/08/2021 21:27

Hes never had much of a problem finishing, if anything he's been too quick, I've asked if maybe he has a problem finishing with me because he has too much alone time, because I know that it can make a man less sensitive, however he says no.

This has only really been the past maybe 4-6 weeks. He's covered in sweat and it's just not happening. Which isn't normal for him.

I don't think he's worried about getting me pregnant, we both have fertility issues, me PCOS, him a low sperm count with slow and immobile swimmers (if I remember correctly)

I have wondered about point, because there are new positions that we have never tried, but he just shuts me out when I try to ask.

It's just a change. If it was always like this I probably wouldn't be so worried, but its just different to what he's usually like.

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 12/08/2021 21:33

I have wondered about point [porn], because there are new positions that we have never tried, but he just shuts me out when I try to ask.

He’s not going to admit it easily, but I’d put money on it being porn.

Original poster
Sunshinealligator · 12/08/2021 21:34

@SparklingLime yes! Point....porn. my phone keeps correcting it!

I think so

OP posts:
RoseAndGeranium · 12/08/2021 21:41

What worries me about what you've said is that he has blamed his lack of interest in sex on you. If he doesn't have much of a sex drive that's for him to come to terms with, and, if necessary, investigate. For him to say it's because you don't take care of yourself in one way or another is nasty and a bit abusive. My first boyfriend was like this. We were in our early twenties and if he wasn't up for it he snap things like 'you're not as attractive as you think you are, you know'. It was horrible and it made me feel awful and insecure, so I'm really sorry this is what your husband does. Perhaps not coincidentally, that boyfriend also had problems 'finishing', and sex would end up being exhausting, painful, and demoralising. It needn't have -- I agree with other posters that sex doesn't always have to end in orgasm and if he'd generally been happy to conclude with some self-pleasuring or similar that would have been ok. But you need to have a chat about it, and he needs to take ownership of the situation rather than projecting the problem onto you, otherwise it's always going to make you feel crap, and you'll never be able to have relaxed, enjoyable sex where you concentrate on your own pleasure save in the knowledge that he'll enjoy sorting himself out afterwards. Depending on how important all this is to you and your husband it may be worth him looking into potential medical or psychological causes, but of course this would require him to acknowledge that there's an issue at all. One thing is for sure: he needs to stop telling you that it's because you're in some way not good enough. That's bullshit. It's not his fault that he has a low sex drive or that he finds it hard to orgasm, but it's sure as all f* not yours either.

Warsawa31 · 12/08/2021 21:47

It could be porn also possibly low testosterone, depression, side effect from medications, bi/homosexuality, psychical illness etc etc

All that matters is that it matters to you to have a active sex life and he needs to address it whatever it is honestly and quickly.

GNCQ · 12/08/2021 22:39

Yes first and foremost you need to understand it's not a problem with YOU. A partner doesn't suddenly go off his 11 yo relationship without a few reasons.

It's difficult not to feel insecure in your situation, but consider:

Is he taking medication.
Is there a chance of alcohol/drug dependence.
Even though you say financially you're better than ever, could emotional stress be coming from another source eg grieving/a life-changing event.
Chance of porn use.
Chance of OW.
Chance of health issues like heart/blood pressure.

It could be numerous things. Of suggest an overall health screen.
Did he have a Covid Jab recently?

GNCQ · 12/08/2021 22:40

^ I'd not of Hmm

Lady08 · 13/08/2021 10:03

If he’s not prepared to discuss it, the problem won’t get better.
What a turn-off for him to blame his lack of sex drive on you not having nice clothes and gaining some weight.
You deserve better OP!

BasicDad · 13/08/2021 13:47

If my partner stopped being attracted to me because I didn't look after myself anymore (nice weight, nice clothes and other things that make a man attractive), I really wouldn't blame her.

There are countless MN threads about women not being attracted to their "lovely DPs" any more because they've either put on a bit of weight or lost some of their masculine behaviour.

He might have told you this in a prickish, non loving kind of way, which is shitty. But If that's how he feels, it's perfectly valid, as is the other way around.

Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it anymore because it's a hugely difficult thing to approach.

Flowers OP...as it really can't be easy.

PermanentTemporary · 13/08/2021 14:22

My partners have had a lot of trouble with this. I took it personally for a long time (not helped by the people involved saying some personal things) but have finally accepted it's a thing that happens for men the same way it happens for women sometimes.

The most serious case was definitely medication; another was porn. Also with the one who was on medication, we had got used to quite brief sex which worked brilliantly in the early days, but in fact I think we needed to have more patience and it might have happened more often. With the porn one, it was more casual and I wasn't with him frequently, but if we committed to serious amounts of time, like 6 hours in bed and lots and lots of different stimulation, it would always happen eventually. That's quite difficult in a marriage. Have you ever watched him masturbate? Does he do anything unusual that you could replicate? I have found it helpful to watch clips of my partners pleasuring themselves so I understand what they do, it varies a lot.

I do just wonder if he had a bit of erection trouble, got worried about it and tried Viagra, making it hard to finish?

A calm conversation and perhaps suggesting he has a chat with his GP would be sensible. But it's so difficult isn't it.

This topic prevents users from posting on it until they have been members for at least 7 days.

Swipe left for the next trending thread