He can't...finish.

[Sunshinealligator]

Me and DH have been together for almost 11 years, sex has never been what I would consider great. Weve had great times, but he has always been less interested in it than me.

I'd ideally have sex most days, he would be happy with once a month or maybe even less.

Over time I've got used to that.

Over the years he has used excuses like, you never buy yourself new clothes, at one point he said my weight was a problem.
He has said he's stressed at times.

Right now, more money is coming into our house than ever, he isn't stressed, or doesn't have any reason to be. I've lost lots of weight. I look good. Were happy.

Recently when we are intimate, he can't finish.

Recently I bought a sexy underwear set. We finished work early. The house was empty, I put my underwear on, we got down to it.

Again, he couldn't finish.

He doesn't really want to talk about it. Hes just saying, he can't.
He put me in all these different positions, and he just couldn't.

Its made me feel really upset. More upset than even when he hasn't wanted to be intimate with me.

I feel so upset, but he won't really talk about it.

Can couples get past this?

Sorry just catching up after a few very busy days.

There's nothing different happening for him, no loss, I wouldn't assume another person really, maybe porn, he was on antidepressants, which did have an effect on his ability to achieve orgasm but from my understanding he stopped several months ago.

Basic dad, at the point where he used the excuse I didn't buy nice clothes and my weight was quite some time ago. I was depressed and overeating and had no money to buy new clothes because everything was being squandered by him, so I always had to pay all of our bills. Things have changed. I've lost over 9 stone, I am what quite a few people would consider attractive. My appearance is commented on quite often by both men and women. I know that doesn't mean he finds me attractive, but others seem to, so I must take a reasonable level of care of myself.
I wear make up, I always have clean, styled hair. Clothes are nice, I smell nice.

He won't talk about it, but I think he feels attacked. I've tried to explain it isn't even the act of sex I'm concerned about, I'm not badgering him. I'm concerned because it feels like there's a distance between us. If anything he's usually been very quick to finish, and now he can't, it makes me feel worried and like I really am not good enough for him in that respect.

If he was in a frame of mind that he was spending what little you had and in a rut, and now still unable to talk and address your issues, that suggests to me there are things going on in his head.

Tough one, not finishing is hardly a sin. But I think you know in your gut that something isn't right. It's the not talking about it that would have me eventually reaching for an ultimatum, as this would eat away at me.

Huge congrats on the weight loss.

@LagunaBubbles

Hes clearly got an issue and has had for a while that he either can't or doesn't want to admit to therefore projecting it onto you.

That's what I thought.

I think he's taking anti depressants .

There are a myriad of reasons why this can happen. Health, mental health, drugs both prescribed or narcotic as well as porn & masturbation. None of this is rare. Not talking about it is also common. Far more shocking to me was his projecting this onto you and his insulting comments. I say this as a man, run away. That is abusive and horrible.

The whole porn thing is a massive red herring! Even if it was relevant, no one got addicted to porn because they were having good sex. It is rare for orgasm problems to not go hand in hand with other relationship problems.
What is the rest of your relationship like? Is there any other physical intimacy? Is there any emotional intimacy? Are you even still friends, or just two people who share a mortgage? Do you enjoying spending time together? Are you both happy? If he has been on antidepressants, he's obviously been pretty unhappy about something.
If you've lost so much weight and get compliments about your looks, it sounds like you're in a better place than him. And well done! It sounds like he's said unkind things in the past, which is hard to forgive - have either of you moved on since then, or are you stuck in a blame cycle?
So many questions, and I say this on so many similar threads - go and see a relationship counsellor so you can get informed help.
Good luck. ❤

There are things he has been unhappy with in our relationship, not necessarily our relationship but he struggled financially during the first several years. He lived at home until we met, and struggled to adapt to having to pay for his own ongoing expenses. He was made bankrupt, he had to change career...changing career has been good for him, unfulfilling but there's not much that would fulfill him except giving up work, so he can trade online.

I've just stepped into the same job as he does, I've put it to him, if he is unhappy working as he is, then he can change it. Money isn't an issue right now I can financially support us whilst he figures out 2hat he wants professionally.

We've always been a close couple. Best friends. Worked together, we 100% have each others backs. Sex had always been an issue, but I think I partially wrote it off as an issue because he has only slept with 1 other person, and wasn't with anyone for about 9 years before meeting me, then the fact that I was overweight. Were still close, I spent the morning laying in his arms, he kisses me several times a day, there's no passion, but there is a lot of closeness. On Friday night he was trying to convince me to let him give me a piggyback ride. Its not like we're living separate lives in other respects.

I don't think not finishing, on its own, is necessarily a major problem. I have had sexual experiences that were great for me, but also where I didn't finish. For example, I love oral (a man who loves oral - shocking, I know) but for reasons I can't explain, I finish less frequently with that than with other stuff. (And no, I'm not into porn.) Everybody's different, and not finishing should not be automatically equated with not having a good time.
That said, there are definitely some red flags in what you're saying, not least in blaming you for what sound like his insecurities. It seems like you have some underlying sexual issues that should possibly be dealt with in therapy or at least with a big talk, if you can convince him to do that. (Which granted, doesn't sound easy.)

Wait, he's only had one other sexual partner? Does he just literally need to learn more? Would it be possible to introduce different things you could do - not in a "Here's a problem we need to fix" way, but more in a "Hey, I thought this might be fun" way?

This is medically referred to as delayed ejaculation and can have an array of physical and mental causes. If he has never had a high sex drive I would doubt that it is porn use. Could be low testosterone. Before you (understandably) get too upset, maybe sit him down and ask him to go to the doctors. I think even diabetes can cause this, but usually type 1.

Hi,
I've had some of these issues with my partner.

We basically stopped having sex, I've analysed it over and over, I worried it must be me.

However, looking back, the inability to orgasm was something which happened in the early months of our relationship, I've only recently remembered this.

It started happening again last year, and we so rarely had sex I took it personally.

I have a high sex drive, though not so much these days after so much rejection.

Anyway, my point is, perhaps there is a problem with premature ejaculation. My partner could hold it back in those first couple of minutes but then not be able to orgasm because of it. Could that be what's happening?

As an aside, mine also has a pretty low sex drive, happily going weeks, and no porn addiction, we have spent so much time wfh and in lockdown in our tiny apartment he could t if he wanted to.

@Warsawa31

It could be porn also possibly low testosterone, depression, side effect from medications, bi/homosexuality, psychical illness etc etc

All that matters is that it matters to you to have a active sex life and he needs to address it whatever it is honestly and quickly.

What has bisexuality got to do with it. Being bisexual doesn't make you less attracted to the opposite gender.