Husband not interested in sex

[hornyathome]

Exactly as the title says. I've been married for a few years now and my husband shows no interest in having sex with me. I have to literally demand sex and even though he'll comply it leaves me feeling so unwanted that he will never initiate. He says he loves me and is attracted to me but that as he's gotten older he has lost his sex drive. He has a wank a few days a week and he's done. We've talked about it, and he says it's just who he is. He says he's not interested in any other women.

We have children and he's a wonderful supportive father and husband in all other areas but no matter how many nice gestures he does for me there is zero romance and I don't know what to do.

I feel bad constantly talking about it because he's so great with everything else and a lot of my friends are single but I don't know if I can survive a marriage like this.

He will oblige me if I ask but I'm left feeling like being intimate is a chore for him. Am I putting too much weight on one thing? I try to be understanding of this for him but I don't think he understands how much it hurts my feelings.

Just needed to key it out.

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Hi @hornyathome did your DH ever have a sex drive before you got married or has he always been like this? Sometimes having children and the usual stresses of work etc puts a dampener on things... is he worried about you getting pregnant maybe? He might have erectile dysfunction so needs medication or have you ever suspected that he could be using porn or is gay?

It's very unfair if he expects you to just accept this and live in a sexless marriage when that's not what you want. It's insulting and inconsiderate...

@CityCommuter

Hi *@hornyathome* did your DH ever have a sex drive before you got married or has he always been like this? Sometimes having children and the usual stresses of work etc puts a dampener on things... is he worried about you getting pregnant maybe? He might have erectile dysfunction so needs medication or have you ever suspected that he could be using porn or is gay?

It's very unfair if he expects you to just accept this and live in a sexless marriage when that's not what you want. It's insulting and inconsiderate...

We had an active sex life before we got married and early in our marriage but he's since said he made more effort then. He doesn't use much porn and he's not gay.

We've already agreed not to have anymore treatment and I was sorted after the birth of our third child.

I know life is stressful but it's a basic intimacy in a relationship isn't it? It's been nearly 9 months since we last had sex and he shows zero interest. It's also that there's no physical contact generally as well.

And I meant to say agreed not to have anymore children

While I really feel for you, 'demanding sex' from your dh is wrong.
If a man came on here and wrote the same, he'd get an absolute roasting!!

@Littlefluffyclouds13

While I really feel for you, 'demanding sex' from your dh is wrong. If a man came on here and wrote the same, he'd get an absolute roasting!!

While 'demanding' may have been a poor choice of word, I don't think it's unreasonable for a person in an adult relationship to expect to have sex with the other person when there are no complications such as mental or physical health.

If you think this is wrong then we have very different expectations from a relationship and I absolutely would not roast a man who was saddened because his wife showed zero desire to have sex with him.

I would feel nothing but empathy if a man or woman felt sad about their sexless relationship.
The word 'demanding' describes a very different situation!

And no, we don't have different expectations. I have a great relationship with dh but if it was to change, I would never demand sex from him.

How old is your husband?

@JustAnotherOldMan he's 41

Has he had a recent Testosterone level check ?,
Male sex drive can start to decline in 30s and is linked to T levels, so might be worth a check

@JustAnotherOldMan no he tends to avoid going to the doctor unless he's a deaths door. Is it worth having it checked? Even if it was low I don't think he'd want to do anything about it. Does it affect anything else if levels are low?
Thanks for the suggestion.

You can have a read here

www.nhs.uk/conditions/male-menopause/
But 41 is but young really
I think you can get home test kits and supplements etc from Holland & Barrett , but they be a bit hit and miss,
But if he doesn’t see this as an issue in your relationship then you will have an uphill struggle I suspect

@hornyathome
I feel for you. I know what it's like to be in a sexless and passionless marriage.

You have to demand sex, and he will (I expect reluctantly) "comply"?
He made more effort before and in early marriage? (also before children?)
He masturbates, but won't have sex with you?

What on earth is the matter with this man?

I'm no doctor, but I don't think this is a low testosterone thing. Typical symptoms of that are: -

Reduced sex drive.
Reduced erectile function.
Loss of body hair.
Less beard growth.
Loss of lean muscle mass.
Feeling very tired all the time (fatigue)
Obesity (being overweight)
Symptoms of depression.

If he masturbates a few times a week, then he has a (reasonable) sex drive, and can obviously get and maintain an erection. (you don't say if he has a problem when he does "comply")

You also mention no romance - I wonder if there is more to that particular story?

Sounds like he has checked out of the relationship, at least from an intimacy perspective.

Is it possible that, now that (in his mind) his "job" as far as fathering children is done he now sees you as a replacement mother, rather than a wife and continuing sexual partner?

Would he consider going to couples therapy with you? I know they are extraordinarily busy , as lockdown has put enormous pressures on relationships, but if you want to change things, this might be the way to go.

Conversely, would you consider going elsewhere for intimacy? (I discussed an open marriage with my XW, but we decided it wouldn't work for us.) It's not a path to be trodden lightly, but I'm certain you could find any number of men willing and able.

I think the thing that really sticks out with your post is he masturbates two times a week, so he still has sexual feelings. You need to weigh up whether you can cope with this long-term, as you didn’t agree to a sexless marriage, it will only build resentment within your marriage. If it’s not something you can cope with, then your only option is to leave, or seek sex counselling and see if it’s something your husband can overcome.

Thanks everyone for your input.
Generally as far as I'm aware he's in good health mentally and physically. We talk a lot about our feelings and I know the last year has been tough but I don't think he's depressed.

The more I've thought about it, the lack of sex per se isn't the problem, it's the lack of desire for me and how that makes me feel. I essentially feel unwanted physically which spill over to emotional connection. For example if he couldn't physically have sex for another reason but I still felt wanted it wouldn't be such an issue. I guess I'm no longer sure if he's even attracted to me as he seems happier to just masturbate.

We've talked about it a few times and he says he's still attracted to me, loves me but just doesn't really desire sex anymore.

A few people have really taken the word 'demand' out of context. Whenever I've expressed a desire to have sex he's willing to accommodate me. Doesn't fuss about it. He enjoys the sex when we do have sex but he just isn't bothered about it. So overall I think it's the total lack of passion behind it more than anything that troubles me.

Talking it through though has been helpful and it's made me realise how I feel about the situation and I love my husband and don't want to leave so will consider counselling with him to work through my feelings.

@hornyathome
The last year has been hard on all of us, but it absolutely puts things like this under the microscope.

I completely understand what you say when you mention a lack of desire / attraction / passion. That's exactly how I felt with my XW. It's soul destroying when the one person in the world you are supposed to be able to be intimate with just isn't interested.

You say he is a supportive husband & father - how much does he help out at home? Does he cook? clean? iron?

Although you are willing to try counselling, is he? Does he WANT to have a sexual relationship with you? if not, you could be throwing money down the drain.

I agree up to a point with AverageGuy's advice. Particularly, the fact that he masturbates suggests everything is functioning down there, at least to a reasonable extent.

So I agree that it sounds relational. Do you think it's possible that he sees your relationship as to do with parenting now rather than sex?

When you did have sex, who was the more active? Was there a 'routine', if you see what I mean?

I sympathize with your frustrations here. 9 months is ages.

I could have written this post myself iv sent you a pm but basically I’m the same only just turned 40 and feel like il never be intimate with a man ever again I’m not interested in anyone else and love him so taking a lover isn’t an option so that will just remain a fantasy lol

It's him, not you. He doesn't want sex, for whatever reason. If he is wanking regularly then there is nothing physically wrong, the problems lie elsewhere. Talk and probably counselling are the place to start. He should want to satisfy you as that is what a partner is for, sex brings you closer together in a way which nothing else can.

My situation is slightly different as my oh says he never wanks hasn’t in a long time thought doesn’t enter his head but I take that with a pinch of salt I don’t believe him - we have tried talking about it so many times but he just gets angry and says I’m like a dog with a bone won’t drop it I feel so low about it but I see from the op posting I’m not alone

@Complex1950 (and others)
There are alot of people in sexless / passionless relationships. For some it works, for others it doesn't.

IMHO, there are few ways out: -
Counselling, but both parties have to agree to it, and want to actually have a sex life with each other. I tried this with my XW, but it went nowhere
Open marriage, but again both parties have to agree. I' considered this, but decided I couldn't go through with it.
Affair / playing away. Not for me, but I don't judge others.
Separation / divorce. That was the route I took.

You have to decide what you want from the relationship, and if you can live the rest of your life without sex. If, like me, you can't / couldn't then you need to do something about it for your own sanity.

Thank you , I’ve had one failed marriage before and really want this relationship to work especially since we are supposed to be getting married next year ! That seems a joke now. He won’t entertain counselling as doesn’t like to talk anyway and I just couldn’t go with anyone else I just want him as sad as it sounds. He’s 48 I’ve just turned 40 he’s very good in every other aspect of our relationship he’s a great step dad to my previous kids and a great dad to our child we have had, he works extremely hard and will do anything for me we get on or used to he’s just so snappy and angry all the time and says sex isn’t a priority for him he loves me more than anything but doesn’t have time or energy for a sexual relationship. But I know in all honesty I can’t live with out sex nor would I be happy to be having sad with someone I knew was only doing to to keep me happy what fun is that? 😢

@Complex1950 - what an insidious position to be in!
I really feel for you. You could have another 40+ years of this ahead of you.

He obviously wont do anything for you...

It sounds like he needs to get help for his mental health. Lockdown has affected many people like this, and the first step is admitting there is a problem. I'm going to say counselling again, and then shut up...

tongue in cheek mode
A LOT of fun can be had having sex with someone that actually wants to have sex with you... and I am speaking from experience!
tongue in cheek mode off!

He’s admitted he doesn’t feel well and spoke to drs so they’ve referred him for bloods next week incase it’s thyroid or a vitamin deficiency if that comes back normal then he’s maybe gonna have to seek advice on mental Health but that would be a huge hurdle for him to climb over he wouldn’t entertain it I don’t think - and yes I can imagine how much fun I could have with someone willing lol I wish

@hornyathome - huge apologies for hijacking your thread!

Hopefully, what I'm saying to @Complex1950 helps you, as well.

@Complex1950 - I hope for your sake the bloods show a physical reason for his uninterest, but I wouldn't get your hopes up.

There is a whole world of opportunity out there. You just have to want to look for it.