What happened with him?

[Beenawhile1]

So I met up with an ex from many years ago.... had sex. It’s been quite a while for me and I don’t know if I just built up this picture of it being amazing or not but I’m feeling a little paranoid... so initially he got hard fine but as we were playing around it was like he couldn’t keep hard? He said he needs a lot of sex so I thought he’d be rock hard....the sex was ok... I don’t regret it just not what I thought it would be so I’m a little disappointed.

The trouble is I now feel like it’s me and he didn’t find me attractive enough? I have only ever been with guys who got rock hard without me even trying... he doesn’t so drugs, only had a drink or two. He’s 40... am I naive to think at 40 men don’t have issues staying hard or was it me??

Could have been nerves

Thanks for replying @Mooncats I don’t think so... he’s the most cocky and full of himself guy I know? Not in a horrible way, just his personality?

Could have been nervous, or some other issue maybe, it’s not you, and 40 is early to be experiencing that kinda issue

Honestly OP, it happens to the cocky ones even more because they feel their sexual performance has to meet up to their persona . I can almost guarantee you it's nothing to do with attraction . If a man isn't attracted to you , he won't even want to sleep with you . Performance anxiety is very very common even for the horniest and most confident men .

I haven’t slept with that many men, so don’t have much to compare to but as it’s never happened I feel it’s me!

We went out as teens and did most things but didn’t actually have sex so I don’t even know if this is just a problem he had at this time or ... if it was me! If we meet up again, what do I do? I didn’t say anything obviously but I tried to ‘help’ him but I felt really paranoid it was me and that I was then having to try to hard and felt uncomfortable in what I was doing and it was then a turn off... not the best of situations. What is the best thing to do if we meet up again in thay circumstance?

@Beenawhile1 do you want to meet up again? Sounds like quite an awkward situation for you, and not great if you didn't feel comfortable.

I am 110% sure it wasn't you - if he'd talked it all up so much, v possibly performance anxiety, even if subconscious, and then made worse by being a reality. Snd/of some basic physical malfunction. Had he drunk a lot?

I suppose you need to establish if he's always like this or if it was a temporary effect. Depending on how much you like him.

What did he seem to think about it? Must have been/be embarrassing for him too?

@Parkerwhereareyou I do want to see him again but it is a bit complicated as I don’t know how compatible our lives are really but at the same time I’d really like to even just have some fun at this point (I have had a really rough few years-abusive ex h long story) and I feel ready for fun but .....

He REALLY talked it up yeah, that’s just him. Saw him a few weeks back first time in many years, just chatted. So there has been build up to this ... we had sex once (I had drunk a bit but not drunk drunk) and it was ok, not earth shattering. Later on we were going to go again and he was definitely ‘into it’ as he instigated it but it’s weird, I think he was having to stimulate himself briefly?! Not sitting there having a walk or anything and I don’t think he was just ‘rearranging’. He put my hand on him and he was flaccid, so I tried but that’s what I mean where I got a little bit uncomfortable as in out of my depth not knowing what to do as I have never been in that situation. He didn’t say anything about it....he did keep checking I was ok though?

Just to add... I have been in an abusive (all terms inc sexual) marriage and then a sexless one so I think I am so out of touch with reality and what is normal I feel a bit of a freak and like there was something wrong with me as I did kind of freeze and couldn’t get properly into it....

@beenawhile1

he’s the most cocky and full of himself guy I know

The problem was that the contents of the can didn’t match what was on the label!

Seriously though, the issue is definitely his and not yours. You say he had been drinking and that he’s 40. The older a man is the more likely he is to have erection problems, and add that to some anxiety (despite his being cocky -your word!) it’s understandable.

@Mooncats has it absolutely right.

Difficult to know how for you to deal with it, sensitively because we blokes can be little flowers on the topic.

You want to see him again and shag him, so give it a go and be ready for it. Perhaps gently comment on the fact that last time he needed a helping hand and ask what’s the best way that you can help him?

@Danceswithwhippets thanks great to have a guys perspective. He’s always been cocky, just his personality! He didn’t have much to drink, just a couple of vodkas.

The trouble is I am quite insecure and really, really not confident and do take these things as my failure.... I don’t know how I would bring it up (ha so to speak ) I suddenly felt like a very inexperienced teenager and didn’t know what I was doing? Maybe half of it WAS me in the sense it’s been quite a few years since I have had sex and so badly wanted it that I put too much pressure for it to be great. I DO need a confident take control type guy that knows what he’s doing in the bedroom... I would certainly want to try again

@Beenawhile1
It's possible that he is "cocky" to make up for the fact that he isn't actually any good.. That wouldn't be unheard of.

At 40, I could easily get and maintain an erection without much assistance. Twice (or more) in a session wasn't unheard of.

Now I'm nearly 60, things have slowed down somewhat. I occasionally take Viagra, but I see it more as a psychological help, as there is nothing physically wrong.

I can still get and maintain an erection (without the little blue pill), but my recovery time is a LOT longer than it was. I can manage twice in a session, but the session has to be a much longer one!

Maybe you should look elsewhere? Plenty of single guys out there willing and able!

@AverageGuy thanks for replying.

I’ll happily give it another go (should that actually happen) to see... we do have a good connection, still get on really well etc etc BUT sex is so important! I do feel I must have played a part as I put too much pressure on myself and was a bit nervous to be fair. The situation wasn’t ideal which probably didn’t help either of us... I just love it when a guy is rock hard without me even having to do anything, that’s such a turn on. Not that I mean I don’t ‘do’ anything just it’s amazing to be like but before I have even begun

Believe me though when I say there aren’t many single guys out there willing and able... well certainly no where near me. Complicated as I don’t want to put too much on here to explain as anyone that knows me would probably work me out but guys don’t come a long very often!

Give it another go OP. I have a bit of that with a new partner, does not stop us from having fun - we are still early days and getting to know each other. If it continues for you, then you can decide if there is better sex elsewhere.

Totally agree that it is not easy to find a willing single guy - someone who you actually click with for great sex, not just mediocre one

@Beenawhile1 I suspect it is as someone else said just nerves....however it does surprise me how many women on here post about guys who can't get hard or sustain it. Whilst I don't have recent experience of a variety of guys as married now, I have never had sex with a guy that couldn't get and stay hard...more that they got hard again very quickly and wanted more, especially when a new relationship and the excitement was there.

I do wonder whether alcohol and drugs are impacting on guys as it seems to have got a lot worse in recent years ...but I would never enter a relationship with a guy that used drugs

@Beenawhile1
I honestly think you are worrying too much.

It's been a while for me to, but if and when it does happen again, I can only perform as well as I can. I tend to focus on my partner, as I might only have one shot as it were...

If he can't get / stay hard, its his issue, not yours! He obviously wants to try, but speaking from experience, the mind sometimes gets in the way of the body - which is why I occasionally resort to Viagra - it removes the worry that I might not get hard, and I can focus on the job at hand, as it where..

Trust me, there are thousands of single guys out there longing to meet someone that is looking to have sex. Some married as well...

Are you on any dating sites / apps? I'll briefly mention Fabswingers and Killing Kittens.. Most women on them complain about the amount of men they get contacted by!

Given the context, "guys don’t come a long very often" made me laugh, but I can be a bit of a child sometimes!

@Namechanged1010 I have never experienced this either hence me thinking it must be me! He doesn’t do drugs I know that but does drink regularly. It was quite a big thing meeting up, maybe it was nerves but being how he is wouldn’t dare mention it (despite me being approachable etc but only second time I’d seen him for years)

@YellowPetal yes I do want to give it another guy. I can’t do mediocre sex anymore.... I spent my first marriage like that and thought that was it... then had a whirlwind kind of FWB thing and it REALLY opened my eyes!

What do I do, if it happens again? From a guys perspective? What would YOU want to happen in that circumstance? I know men are obv all different... but he was def willing, he provoked so it can’t be that? What would be best physically?? Iv never tried to give a hand job to a guy that wasn’t already hard and that really put me off as I thought it was my fault!

@AverageGuy yes I thought that after I sent it no I’m not doing dating sites anymore. I just attract freaks, weirdos and dick pics. None of which I want! Due to past issues with abusive ex I just can’t meet a stranger as I don’t trust ... it has to be like a friend of a friend type thing? I know that doesn’t mean much but I’m quite guarded. I’m not looking for a relationship just now, I have too much going on with my DC, us meeting up again just sort of happened.

@Beenawhile1
Drink & nerves can affect a guys performance. It's good that you are open to trying again - can you maybe arrange an overnight?

That way you have plenty of time together, and can experiment and explore...

"What do I do if it happens again?" Tricky. I winder if his ego is a little fragile.. Bringing it up might not be great - it depends on the relationship.

You can try masturbation or oral, but they might not work - sorry!

"I just attract freaks, weirdos and dick pics" - That, I think, is the mantra for most women on dating sites.. they spoil things for those of us that are not...

@AverageGuy I agree, others do spoil it for those of us who actually would like to find someone! I’d just rather stay out of that!

I don’t really want to bring it up with him and I don’t think he would bring it up as maybe that is how he always is?? I will see what happens this week and do want to try again as I like him...

An overnight would be ideal just tricky with my dc as they will think he’s my new BF and he isn’t and I don’t want to cause them upset . They are too old to put to bed at 7 now

I think it was me. No contact and I caved last night as was keeping me awake.., I asked if he was ok and wondered if there was any ‘situation’ he said all fine... he’s friendly but not remotely flirty anymore

@Beenawhile1 I still don't think it's you.

I'm sorry to say he sounds like a bed post notch collector.. He's had what he wants, and is no longer interested.

I suspect he saw you as an easy target, due to your previous history.

What a terrible re-introduction into the world of sex! Unfortunately, there are a lot of guys like that out there - and you can't tell them apart from the decent ones.

I'd say forget him, and move on.

Hugs &

Thanks @AverageGuy it’s really put me off even more. I trusted him BECAUSE of our history? He didn’t even say he just wanted some fun, I would’ve respected the honesty.

@Beenawhile1 I think he's embarrassed about what happened and doesn't want round 2 in case it happens again so he's being off with you so then you think you're at fault.

When I was having casual sex if sex was bad on the 1st time I wouldn't go back, I don't care about nerves, one chance and thats it.

Please try to forget about him and know that it was not your fault.

@SortingItOut I hear you. I can’t do casual sex with randoms. I tried that and I ended up with my drink spiked and an awful situation. Never again. Maybe in my head I thought I could keep it casual with him but feelings got in the way so it isn’t possible. He hasn’t been off, and he says it’s fine and he enjoyed being with me but without a doubt the energy has changed and he was just being friendly. Lesson learnt

@Beenawhile1 I'm not implying you need to have casual sex just that bad sex happens to us all.

The energy has changed because you've slept together now, he doesn't need to chase and flirt now.

If you want to see him again suggest it went you're next free and see what he says. If its a no then you know where you stand.