Feeling frustrated that arc only happens when initiated by DP

[BigButtons]

My sex drive is higher than my DP’s. We have sex about 3x a week, which is ok, I can put up with that. The issue is it only happens when he wants it and only eve in the mornings. since my sex drive is higher -I am happy to oblige- but increasingly less so.
I rarely initiate anymore as I am nearly always turned down. This is leading to real frustration for me and feeling somewhat used. I get that no one should ever have sex If they don’t feel like it but I don’t know how to get over the fact that it is so one sided.

This morning he wanted sex but I have been feeling so disheartened that I told him no.
We have talked about it. He sees it as a problem with our mismatched drives but I don’t think it is just that.
He gets it when he wants it and I don’t.
It’s so disheartening not to be able to express myself sexually because I feel like he will feel pressured to perform and then conversely try and turn myself on just because he is in the mood.
He is a lovely caring man.
Please do tell me if I am being selfish.
Others in my position how does this play out in your relationships?

It makes me similarly grumpy OP. Sorry I don't have anything very helpful to add!

Can't really offer many suggestions other than communication. No one should feel they have to have sex if they are not in the mood. Me and my OH went through a kind of similar thing four years back...I wanted it but she didn't and no is always no....we have talked about our sex drive (mine is probably higher than hers) and sorted some other life issues through and feel much better for it....and our love love has improved..although not to three times a week. Talk...communicate...and really important to listen...and be non judgemental too.... Remember too that he may prefer morning sex as that is when he feels less tired and maybe stressed....both of which affect the male libido...

I would honestly leave. I need sex most days. The most I go without it is a day. Thankfully my partner is the exact same and the only thing that’s ever fixed this problem was finding someone who’s drive matched my own and I’ve found it very freeing being able to admit that I’d have been very miserable if I’d accepted the sex life I had when I didn’t really know what actual fulfilment is like.

It's pretty miserable and you honestly probably need to consider either finding a better match and going off with them, or finding a side-man who will keep you happy, so you can enjoy the security and love-friendship with your husband, and explore proper sex on the side.

Bit tricky to line up the right players here, though. So I'd start by saying that you absolutely must have sex more otherwise you will die. And if not can you take a lover. That might make him listen at least.

@Parkerwhereareyou that's a bit OTT is it not? Nobody will "die" from not having sex and if this was a man posting saying he was going to tell his wife that he "would die" if he did not have sex, everyone would be up in arms.

OP, it's all about communication - me and DP had a similar issue a few years ago and we worked through it by talking frequently, checking in on how each other were feeling, making time for each other (a couple of hours in the evening with no phones, no distractions, just to talk and be together etc)

[quote ferriswheel20]@Parkerwhereareyou that's a bit OTT is it not? Nobody will "die" from not having sex and if this was a man posting saying he was going to tell his wife that he "would die" if he did not have sex, everyone would be up in arms.

OP, it's all about communication - me and DP had a similar issue a few years ago and we worked through it by talking frequently, checking in on how each other were feeling, making time for each other (a couple of hours in the evening with no phones, no distractions, just to talk and be together etc) [/quote]
Thanks. I do talk all the time to him about it. I know he feels pressured. He would probably like sex to be a quick in and out tbh. Sometimes I wonder whether talking makes it worse. I think he would rather stick his head in the sand.

No advice but I have the same issue here, it’s very frustrating tbh

*Nobody will "die" from not having sex

Ferriswheel20* ....... I was exaggerating ... it was wild hyperbole ... sorry as tone just doesn't come across always. It was a joke.

Having said that, life without sexual intimacy for some (of us) would be chronically detrimental our out health and I honestly do think probably shorten it a bit.

I just meant maybe OP makes it really clear to him that this is a huge issue for her.

I have done. I suggested he go to the dr this morning after 3 failed attempts to initiate arc with him over that last 3 days.
I also suggested we take we’d off the agenda completely for a while.
He also seems to have an issue with how loud I am when I climax ( neighbours)which of course also now means I won’t feel relaxed enough to climax at all. What a bloody mess. So pissed off😡

This sounds crap @BigButtons. My DH has also been known to make comments about me being too loud, like I'm some kind of sexual deviant for enjoying myself! It makes me feel either ashamed or really pissed off with him, neither of which make for good sex the next time.

I love my partner being vocal...shows she is being satisfied....at least I hope so

@Sparkybloke

I love my partner being vocal...shows she is being satisfied....at least I hope so

Quite. I told him that I would not be able to relax enough to climax if I was worried about noise and not be able to express myself. He said he loves it that I enjoy myself but wants me to be quieter. I told him I thought that was an awful thing to ask me to do.I don’t want to have sex with him at all now tbh.

@Sparkybloke ... I am very quiet and very satisfied ... Each to their own style I suppose but don't see this is a way of showing satisfaction.

Op - I work work on having 3 wonderful, satisfying days of pleasure for both of you and if you need more then buy a good vibrator and tell him you're having some alone time 😉

@itsureis...everyone is different....nothing wrong in either quiet or vocal...

@BigButtons

I have done. I suggested he go to the dr this morning after 3 failed attempts to initiate arc with him over that last 3 days. I also suggested we take we’d off the agenda completely for a while. He also seems to have an issue with how loud I am when I climax ( neighbours)which of course also now means I won’t feel relaxed enough to climax at all. What a bloody mess. So pissed off😡

If a man came on here saying he told his wife to go to the GP to sort out her problem because they only have sex 3 times a week, well.... we all know what the community would say.

@BigButtons, I don’t think your being selfish, but you sound mismatched, maybe it is time to call it quits as neither of you sound particularly happy right now.

Is arc a code name for sex?
You suggested he goes to the doctors after 3 failed attempts to initiate sex?
That is quite extreme!

It’s a phone autocorrect.
Not not after three times. This has been going on for a long time now.

This is a easy problem to solve, get a vibrator. Then that should even the playing field. The pressure will be off you both a lot more and may improve things?

It may not, but you don’t have anything to loose really.

I dont know how old you are but sex 3 times a week is hardly a sexless marriage.

I can see it’s frustrating he only has sex when he wants to but thats the same in any relationship where sex drives are mismatched- its a no until its a yes when the other person is in the mood!

I wont get better so you only really have 2 choices.

I already have many. Wouldn’t be without 😀

If you're only having sex three times a week, every unsubstantiated statistic I've ever seen suggests you're getting more than almost everyone else. Which isn't an entirely bad place to be. 😁
However, if you're not getting enough, that's valid too.
If your OH's concerns about you being loud is down to what the neighbours hear, have you considered sound proofing? You'd be amazed what difference a second layer of plasterboard and some thick underlay will make. And way cheaper than divorce/two lots of rent/mortgage payments. 😁
As for the difference in libidos, I feel your pain. Just try to remember what your partner feels too. If you wanted less and he wanted more, this would quite possibly be a very different thread.

No advice but im in the same boat. My partner also doesnt want me to use toys and doesnt like me masturbating. Hes upfront about the dislike of toys but the masturbating he tries to claim he doesnt have a problem with, but if he finds out i have he says " i was going to have sex with you but im not now if your more interested in that" and then refuses to have sex with me for a few days as a punishment, he says its not punishment and its just that i have put him off but im pretty sure its to punish me.

@Lleeaahh1992..being 'punished' for a little self love is awful. Almost everyone masturbates. I'll bet your partner does....to deny sex because you do seems very cold and selfish on his part..