Sex and body confidence after having a baby - what worked for you?

[LauraEMumsnet]

Hi all,

We're writing an article about sex, and about feeling confident in your body and/or sexy, after having a baby.

We know that many women struggle with body confidence after giving birth, especially when it comes to sex - and that it's something that can take a long time to overcome. So we'd love to include stories from women who've been there before.

If this is a subject that you feel personally connected to, we'd be grateful if you could share your experiences on tackling sex after pregnancy, whether that was slowly rebuilding intimacy through smaller acts like cuddling or hand holding with your partner, improving your body confidence by trying out new lingerie and/or toys, or even just the practicalities of sex after a traumatic birth, c-section, episiotomy etc.

We're partnering with Ann Summers for this piece. Its purpose is to empower, but also to share real stories that we hope will be inspiring to others.

Here’s the kind of thing we think would be interesting for our readers:

• What was the hardest thing for you when it came to approaching sex after having a baby, and how did you overcome it?

• Did you struggle with body confidence after giving birth? Is it something you're still struggling with? What steps did you take to tackle this?

• Did you find items like lingerie and sex toys helpful? If so, which ones? Ann Summers items would be of particular interest

• What general advice would you give to women struggling with body confidence/struggling to have sex after giving birth?

• On the flip side, if you have been enjoying sex since having a baby, how do you feel about introducing sexy lingerie or even a sex toy to your sex life?

If you're happy to share your thoughts, it would be great to know just a little bit about you too ( only if you're happy to share - if not, that's totally fine)

• How long after giving birth did you feel like having sex?

• How long after birth did it take for you to have penetrative sex (if applicable)?

• Some info about you if you feel it's relevant: age, number of DC, whether or not you have a partner

TIA

Nothing yet.

@WhereDidYouGetThatHat I totally agree.

MNHQ - I wonder whether you would have been better to ask women what support they’ve had to help them recover physically and mentally from childbirth and breastfeeding.

Ann Summers attempts at free marketing are going to be null and void here.

I doubt many comments on how quickly we all started having sex again are going to ‘inspire’ others who have been through a traumatic experience.

Many of us are not rushing to get a new set of sex toys ‘designed for mums’ after giving birth. We are focused on healing, on dealing with the overwhelming feelings of becoming a mother (whether it’s the first time or the fifth). On keeping it together. Housework, school work, getting enough sleep. Self care doesn’t start in the bedroom.

We should all be allowed to heal in our own time. Not when we are cajoled or some marketing advertisement tries to make it ‘empowering’ to kit out our wardrobe in uncomfortable outfits to please someone else. That is not empowerment.

Empowerment is having the ability to disregard societal expectations of women’s bodies.

Empowerment is being able to say no to sex.

Empowerment is the big granny pants we wear with mismatched bras because frankly, we don’t need to be sold an idea of what is normal about our bodies postpartum in a bid to boost Ann Summers dwindling sales record.

Empowerment is the big granny pants we wear with mismatched bras because frankly, we don’t need to be sold an idea of what is normal about our bodies postpartum in a bid to boost Ann Summers dwindling sales record

Yes!!! 👏👏👏👏

Empowerment is the big granny pants we wear with mismatched bras because frankly, we don’t need to be sold an idea of what is normal about our bodies postpartum in a bid to boost Ann Summers dwindling sales record.

I couldn’t agree more! I’d just like to buy some bras that fit comfortably without paying a fortune for them. DH keeps telling me to spend the money on it but I just can’t!

Yeah I bought a 10” dildo and some latex pants from Ann Summers and felt so sexy after pushing out a huge baby and being at risk of dying ...
No.
Would be happy to discuss how sex was after childbirth with a group of women on here who know what it’s like.
But not for the sake of Ann summers sales and advertising.

This is insulting.

Just to add into the discussion, I found its one thing having sex with the father of the child, who saw your body change and was part of the birth, starting a new physical relationship with someone seeing your post birth body for the first time if a very different thing, or was for me anyway.

@DiamondBright

Just to add into the discussion, I found its one thing having sex with the father of the child, who saw your body change and was part of the birth, starting a new physical relationship with someone seeing your post birth body for the first time if a very different thing, or was for me anyway.

Yes I was going to say that too.

The one who's seen you throughout is v much less worrying than the one seeing you only post.

I get the feeling this is where Ann Summers wants to help, and I wouldn't knock them at all - their ethos is about breaking down perceived taboos and hopefully encouraging women to be sexually confident and proactive, and love themselves.

However, there's one thing that never worked for me with Ann Summers: it's the presumption that to be sexy, we have to wear basques.

Actually to be sexy, we can wear whatever feels good. Even if it is an old T-shirt of his.

Probably to be truly sexy, we have to wear ... nothing 🙂

I would love MNHQ to post this on the FWR board! I will supply the popcorn and sit back to watch the well deserved kicking that will be administered by angry feminists, to whoever thought promoting the tacky products of a tawdry sex shop was any way to “empower” women post childbirth.

3 hours of pushing, an episiotomy, a second degree tear followed by crippling post natal anxiety and depression. Sex after childbirth wasn't my top priority. Nor was it my partners.
Healing mentally and physically was. And when sex did return to our lives it wasn't about putting on lingerie and using toys, it was about regaining a connection with my my partner and more importantly with my own body and identity as a woman.
When you have a child you can go through some huge physically and emotional traumas and changes. Overcoming these isn't something I could see as being easily resolved with a quick trip to Ann summers and £20 on Crotchless knickers.

And when sex did return to our lives it wasn't about putting on lingerie and using toys, it was about regaining a connection with my my partner and more importantly with my own body and identity as a woman.

To add to this, for the year before we conceived DD2, sex was for the purposes of TTC. It didn’t feel like the enjoyable time it’s meant to be. It felt like the constant desperation that hopefully this time would work. Building up my relationship with my DH just for us is what’s necessary.

My body has gone from disappointing me by its inability to conceive for a year (others go through this for so much longer and I could barely take the heartbreak for one year!), then growing a life from cells to a fully-formed 8lb 2oz baby, then disappointing me again by my inability to BF my baby and now finally the source of my self-consciousness.

It’s going to take a huge amount more than underwear that highlights all of the parts of me I hate and toys that I don’t want or need to fix the relationship I have with my body.

Sex toys and lingerie are for those who already have a high sex drive. I cannot think of anything less sexy than using them when you're not really in the mood. It will be a long time before I want to go anywhere near Ann Summers tbh.

What worked for me was finding the right time of day when we could both relax and enjoy it, which turned out to be during DD's lunchtime nap. Early mornings we were too on edge in case she woke up. Late night too tired.

Real/enjoyable sex is not like porn sex. I'm not trying to look good while doing reverse cowgirl. It's about closeness, intimacy, under the covers with the lights off half the time. Body confidence doesn't really matter.

@DiamondBright

Just to add into the discussion, I found its one thing having sex with the father of the child, who saw your body change and was part of the birth, starting a new physical relationship with someone seeing your post birth body for the first time if a very different thing, or was for me anyway.

This is what I'm terrified of. Not to mention the father of my child was incredibly abusive and was disgusted by my post baby body so much that he wouldn't have sex with me. I haven't had sex in 3 years. Not because I don't want to, I'm just terrified of being naked in front of someone.

I didn't struggle with body confidence post-birth. It was difficult to wait until the bleeding had stopped before having sex again tbh! I really missed the intimacy with my husband so was very keen. I didn't tear though, and if I had obviously we'd have waited until it was pain free again.

I have never struggled with body confidence tbh, because my identity and self-worth is not based on what I look like. It's based on the fact that I'm a human being as valuable as any other. I found a husband who agrees with this view, so post-birth I knew he wasn't judging my belly. I knew he was enjoying having sex with me because he loves me and we're both into it.

I understand that people struggle with body image, as people struggle with many things. But I don't think the answer is turn the lights off/get a sex toy. The answer is to work on knowing your self-worth.

Ha- I don't think I sex after conceiving DD until I managed to leave my dick head abusive ex when she was 2.

I now have fabulous sex with a wonderful man, I don't worry about my body at all, but that's got nothing to do with Lacy knickers or dildos- it's because I am happy, supported and in a mutually supportive relationship.

I think it's good for women to discuss their worries about sex and image after having a baby but not with Ann summers ( of all organisations)

Personally I wouldn't want to discuss the effects of childbirth on my sex life etc. What I would love however would be this thread to be moved to the feminism section Grab popcorn, read the comments, chill.

I felt a bit less body confident after having my babies (when they were still babies), partly as I carried more weight and partly fear that my vagina wouldn't feel the same to him. My experiences were good though. My partner was thoughtful and didn't push for sex at all. After my second child, we waited around 8 weeks to have sex, and it was great.

Since then, (it has been a few years) my body returned to its former size. I believe my vagina isn't as "tight" as it used to be, but apparently that isn't noticeable on the man's side. Also, being older I have become even more confident about sex. I am not that young woman worried only about what the man thinks and wants. Now I am concerned with my own satisfaction.

Having a baby doesn't have to a downer for your sex life. You do need a decent loving partner though - just like at any other point in your sex life!

I'm not especially into sex toys, and though I would use them alone I don't use them that frequently with a partner. I don't find dressing up or sex toys to increase confidence... the confidence has to exist within me.

So pleased to see the outcome (so far anyway) of this thread. MNers are awesome.

[quote Snorkello]**@WhereDidYouGetThatHat I totally agree.

MNHQ - I wonder whether you would have been better to ask women what support they’ve had to help them recover physically and mentally from childbirth and breastfeeding.

Ann Summers attempts at free marketing are going to be null and void here.

I doubt many comments on how quickly we all started having sex again are going to ‘inspire’ others who have been through a traumatic experience.

Many of us are not rushing to get a new set of sex toys ‘designed for mums’ after giving birth. We are focused on healing, on dealing with the overwhelming feelings of becoming a mother (whether it’s the first time or the fifth). On keeping it together. Housework, school work, getting enough sleep. Self care doesn’t start in the bedroom.

We should all be allowed to heal in our own time. Not when we are cajoled or some marketing advertisement tries to make it ‘empowering’ to kit out our wardrobe in uncomfortable outfits to please someone else. That is not empowerment.

Empowerment is having the ability to disregard societal expectations of women’s bodies.

Empowerment is being able to say no to sex.

Empowerment is the big granny pants we wear with mismatched bras because frankly, we don’t need to be sold an idea of what is normal about our bodies postpartum in a bid to boost Ann Summers dwindling sales record.[/quote]
I totally agree with @Snorkello and @WhereDidYouGetThatHat .

I'm shocked that Mumsnet who claim to be supporting women post partum would partner with an organisation to ask whether sexy lingerie and toys can help you get back to shagging your man quicker after childbirth.

It's totally the wrong message to be sending.

I think if anyone wants more 'body confidence' then the best thing they can do is stay away from the Ann summers website. The models are hardly representative of normal women or women who have had babies!

I feel confident in the bedroom because I appreciate my body has done something amazing and I have a caring and loving DP. Toys, dressing up etc might be fun but don't shape the way I feel about myself or sex.

Also yes to what about 80% of previous posters have said on this thread - I agree fully.

Anything to say, @HQ? Genuinely can't believe this topic & the Ann summers ness of it all.

It always makes me laugh when the health visitor says (when baby is only a week old)

So have you thought about what contraception you'll be using 😆

People need to get over the idea it's "expected" by their partners

It's only ok when both partners say it's ok and shouldn't be pushed

Neither should the advertising of the most vulgar shop on the high street

There's something deeply unsexy IMO about both sex toys and getting trussed up in tacky 'sexy' underwear at the best of times. But I know others may disagree, we are all different.

After birth is a time for both partners to find their way to a deeper relationship in every way, including sexually. I think for some men it might be the first time they've ever really had to be in tune with their partners body and what they are comfortable and happy with, and it makes them better lovers as a result. It takes it all back to basics.

@tiredmum2468

It always makes me laugh when the health visitor says (when baby is only a week old)

So have you thought about what contraception you'll be using 😆

People need to get over the idea it's "expected" by their partners

It's only ok when both partners say it's ok and shouldn't be pushed

Neither should the advertising of the most vulgar shop on the high street

*It always makes me laugh when the health visitor says (when baby is only a week old)

So have you thought about what contraception you'll be using 😆*

I started thinking ok had enough of not being pregnant, would like to be pregnant again after about two days ... but I guess am in the minority? And that was tbf after second baby (a triumph - zero interference - no lying down - but then I'd swum every day in training for it).

I feel the really good info about how to manage pregnancy and birth doesn't get through on a mass scale. I certainly had to work it out for myself.

And of course that process - pregnancy and birth - has a quantum effect on the post partum experience, for many women.

First time round: thrown under a bus.
Second time: I did it my way ... 😉🙂