Sex and body confidence after having a baby - what worked for you?

[LauraEMumsnet]

Hi all,

We're writing an article about sex, and about feeling confident in your body and/or sexy, after having a baby.

We know that many women struggle with body confidence after giving birth, especially when it comes to sex - and that it's something that can take a long time to overcome. So we'd love to include stories from women who've been there before.

If this is a subject that you feel personally connected to, we'd be grateful if you could share your experiences on tackling sex after pregnancy, whether that was slowly rebuilding intimacy through smaller acts like cuddling or hand holding with your partner, improving your body confidence by trying out new lingerie and/or toys, or even just the practicalities of sex after a traumatic birth, c-section, episiotomy etc.

We're partnering with Ann Summers for this piece. Its purpose is to empower, but also to share real stories that we hope will be inspiring to others.

Here’s the kind of thing we think would be interesting for our readers:

• What was the hardest thing for you when it came to approaching sex after having a baby, and how did you overcome it?

• Did you struggle with body confidence after giving birth? Is it something you're still struggling with? What steps did you take to tackle this?

• Did you find items like lingerie and sex toys helpful? If so, which ones? Ann Summers items would be of particular interest

• What general advice would you give to women struggling with body confidence/struggling to have sex after giving birth?

• On the flip side, if you have been enjoying sex since having a baby, how do you feel about introducing sexy lingerie or even a sex toy to your sex life?

If you're happy to share your thoughts, it would be great to know just a little bit about you too ( only if you're happy to share - if not, that's totally fine)

• How long after giving birth did you feel like having sex?

• How long after birth did it take for you to have penetrative sex (if applicable)?

• Some info about you if you feel it's relevant: age, number of DC, whether or not you have a partner

TIA

Hi Tia, it's nice you're doing an article exploring this sensitive and tricky topic for many women (and, actually, their partners).

If I want to respond, do I write it all here publicly? Or send a private message? I wonder if there aren't any responses yet as people might find it a bit revealing to say publicly? Or maybe they've all messaged you? Please tell me what's best and I'll answer. Thanks 🙏

Hi @Parkerwhereareyou

Either is absolutely fine. If you feel more comfortable sending a private message rather than posting here, then please do. But it may be comforting (and offer some encouragement) to people to read other stories on this thread.

Working out, taking time for yourself every now and again, venturing into a new at home business to make you feel empowered and more than just a "mum" - eating right.

My partner is a woman so she looks at my body from a different angle

Why was @arcof comment removed?

Yes, what did @arcof say? I'm intrigued now!

My comments would be too detailed maybe ... it took me a good two and a half years even to look at what had been done to me after having my first child ... I was too upset.

I suppose it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I'd thought. But then again, I hadn't take a before photo of myself ... nobody had warned me I might need to : (

My experience of first childbirth was so traumatic that my relationship with sex/my sexual ego was changed forever.

The best sex I have now is where I forget all that and just feel like I did when I was 18 and perfect. : (

I remember just crying with relief that I could still have a clitoral orgasm. For a very sexual/sensual person such as myself, what was done to me was beyond violation.

I find that on MN we aren't really allowed to talk about this stuff. We can't say anything negative about childbirth, or abortion. We have to stick to the shiny line and not break rank. That, I think, is one of the most awful examples of stifling our true voices, from a group of people who pride themselves on being honest, direct, to the point and true. TBH I'd rather discuss it with a guy.

We can't airbrush this. We should be telling it how it is.

If someone had given me the real run-down before my first child, I would have taken control and things would have been different. It's not helpful to be told 'oh it will all be fine' - no, it isn't. If we haven't been through it before, we need to be properly advised and armed by those who have.

Pretending it's a picnic is not the answer. It is not a picnic. It is a life and death experience on the most serious level, and we need to be ready for that challenge.

So I could and maybe will tell you how I felt better again, but I'm not giving any cheery Disney version.

The story is all about hope and the strength of life in me, and you. But you need humility, self-understanding, love and the ability to embrace yourself as you truly are, to get through it.

To be 100% honest, the biggest thing I struggled with is how much my vagina changed. Everyone I spoke to said 'oh it will go back to how it was, don't worry'. Well, it certainly frigging didn't. It went from being a 10/10 to a 1 or 2/10 at a push. I will never, ever feel even half as comfortable now as I did before I had children, and it's constantly in the back of my mind. Orgasms during any sexual encounter are totally out of the question now due to sheer embarrassment, and inability to relax. I'll never be happy with it for the rest of my life, and so badly wish I'd had c sections. And that's sad considering I'm only 25. No way to overcome this other than surgery.

I know I'm not alone in this too.

The whole glib idea of 'body confidence' pisses me right off. Its more that men need to not be stupid pressurising selfish bastards, society needs to not be so happy for women being objectified. And valued for how sexy they are.

Buying knickers and dildos is not the same thing as empowerment.

Now I'm 63, I wish I hadn't wasted my youth worrying about my body, especially after I'd had kids. I hope everyone can enjoy their babies and their bodies without being self critical or self conscious, old age comes very suddenly.

My son is 2 and I have had sex since I found out I was pregnant as I felt so rough and worried about Miscarriage

I now hate my body and can't actually think of anything worse than sex I'd go as far to say it makes me feel physically sick

*havent that should read

My son is 7 months old. I had a rough birth, a forceps delivery and a 2.1 litre blood loss.

I can enjoy sex again, but my orgasms are different now.

Everytime I orgasm, I wee myself. Pelvic floor exercises don't seem to help.

@Parkerwhereareyou I said "this is just ..." then used an adjective which wasn't a swear word, just a describing word. I have reviewed the talk guidelines and cannot see which I broke. I can only assume that given this is some kind of paid partnership that my opinion isn't welcome, which is fine I suppose, but should probably be put in the guidelines.

But I see @MoiraNotRuby is also expressing a dissenting opinion, as was I, yet her post stands (rightly) yet mine doesn't?

To answer a couple of the questions: the biggest struggle was having to wait. Then I cracked on just like before. I have 3 children. My body changed like most do but nothing unexpected.
There was no correlation between me having a child and acquiring a new sex toy or lingerie.

I'm wondering what the aim is here? Your article seems to be more geared towards women who faced a crisis of confidence. What is the empowering element? Dressing up in underwear?

Both times babies were around 6 weeks old. It's scary, you're wondering if you feel differently of if your stitches have healed. And your newborn is very likely to be in the same room as you, so you can still hear their sleepy snuffle in the background.

When I started enjoying the sex, the oxytocin would make my milk let down and it would start spraying out. A muslin cloth was never far from reach.

Buying knickers and dildos is not the same thing as empowerment.*

This is very true.

In fact I'd go so far as to say NOT buying knickers and dildos is empowerment.

(Knickerless at Sainsbury's - now that's real empowerment 😉😀) (joking ...)

Empowerment is a lot easier with a realistic, sympathetic, enthusiastic partner.

When we feel down or lost, the positive energy of another towards us can really help us. So tbh I think new fathers should have some sort of course about helping their women feel better. They could help a lot.

P.S. just wanted to add that I've only mentioned men being selfish as this seems focused on heterosexual sex but reading it back I see you did say 'if applicable'.

I loved my pregnant body with both pregnancies. Being pregnant is the only time I’ve experienced pride in what I look like. I look back at my teen years and wish I could go back to that but, at the time, I hated the way I looked.

Now, I look awful! My stomach is the bit of me I hate the most. I didn’t have traumatic births and, for me, it’s all gone back to normal down there but I hate the way my stomach looks. Droopy and covered in stretch marks.

No amount of sexy underwear or toys is going to fix the way I feel about myself. Having the time for me to go to the gym and actually do something about it would. I currently (ignoring the pandemic) can’t afford it due to the pathetic maternity pay I get and then, when I’m back at work, I won’t have the time around being a full time teacher and a full time mum to two beautiful DDs who love me no matter how squishy my midriff is.

FWIW, my DH makes it very clear that he loves me and finds me just as attractive now as he did before our DDs were born. Our sex life was put on hold whilst I healed completely with zero pressure from him. It’s still a bit on hold because we co-sleep with DD2.

I wonder if this is going to work out in the way you hoped, MNHQ. It almost seems like women's sexuality and their relationship with their body is something deeply personal, something that can be profoundly altered by the experience of childbirth and motherhood, and not something that can be given a quick fix by a trip to somewhere flogging thongs and dildos. I personally find this attempt on Anne Summers' part to exploit womens' vulnerability post childbirth, by suggesting spending money with them will boost up your sexual confidence, pretty tawdry and offensive.

Selling stuff to women doesn't empower us. I'm surprised at you, MNHQ.

@WhereDidYouGetThatHat

I wonder if this is going to work out in the way you hoped, MNHQ. It almost seems like women's sexuality and their relationship with their body is something deeply personal, something that can be profoundly altered by the experience of childbirth and motherhood, and not something that can be given a quick fix by a trip to somewhere flogging thongs and dildos. I personally find this attempt on Anne Summers' part to exploit womens' vulnerability post childbirth, by suggesting spending money with them will boost up your sexual confidence, pretty tawdry and offensive.

Selling stuff to women doesn't empower us. I'm surprised at you, MNHQ.

All this! Said it better than I could but I totally agree

I agree w the comments here. I never expected my sexual organs to be so decimated by pregnancy and birth. I need surgery to fix this stuff and the NHS simply isn't interested, it's just not a priority in society to put mothers back together. We're just supposed to get on with it. It makes me crazily angry.

@prettypinkflamingo @MoiraNotRuby @arcof 100% agree with you all. No amount of lacy pants and dildos is going to fix the car crash that is my mum pouch and ruined vagina. Very surprised MN are pushing this. Also, just to answer the question, I had sex when I wanted after birth because my husband isn't a prick who bullied me into said lacy pants and dildos.

Shame on you, MN.

@WhereDidYouGetThatHat

I wonder if this is going to work out in the way you hoped, MNHQ. It almost seems like women's sexuality and their relationship with their body is something deeply personal, something that can be profoundly altered by the experience of childbirth and motherhood, and not something that can be given a quick fix by a trip to somewhere flogging thongs and dildos. I personally find this attempt on Anne Summers' part to exploit womens' vulnerability post childbirth, by suggesting spending money with them will boost up your sexual confidence, pretty tawdry and offensive.

Selling stuff to women doesn't empower us. I'm surprised at you, MNHQ.

Couldn’t agree more!