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How to tell DH I need more foreplay

28 replies

nonflirtinghusband · 07/03/2021 09:30

Inspired by the Hollywood sex thread, I'm kind of embarrassed that I don't ever (well, rarely) come when having sex with my DH. There is foreplay, he does go down on me etc, but not for long enough for me to orgasm. This has been since forever and I'm embarrassed that I haven't been more demanding. I've always been self conscious that it would take too long so I haven't asked, but I don't fake it either. I'm getting really frustrated and resentful, especially having had my eyes opened by this board! Sex always feels a bit rushed and boring. It's always PIV and we've never (ever in 15 years, even pre kids) had a nice, long session where he just tries to give me pleasure. Similarly, he doesn't want me to give him a blowjob to completion (even though I would love to and have said several times that I want to) he just likes it as foreplay and then wants PIV. It's like we're ticking a box - sex done.
I have a great time by myself with my vibrator though!
So I obviously need to tell him, but I really don't know how to say it without upsetting him. It's not entirely his fault as I know I should have said something earlier and he's not a mind reader. I have been having lots of therapy to deal with childhood issues and I'm now feeling more assertive in myself and realizing I haven't been looking out for my own needs. But how to do it without making him feel terrible and putting him off completely?

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wsbts · 07/03/2021 14:42

You could be brave and show him what you have written here or you will need to have a straight to the point chat before engaging in any sexual activity, I would suggest long before bed so that there is no misunderstanding.

Good Luck OP

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CarolVordermansBum · 07/03/2021 14:54

Does he not notice you haven't orgasmed for 15 years? Or does he just not care ?

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Sparkybloke · 07/03/2021 14:56

Well I'm a bloke so not sure I'm the best to advise. I feel your frustrations though. All I can suggest is that you do try and talk to your DH. As wsbts says not when in the moment but at another time of day when he is not stressed. Emphasis on his positives first. Then may be select one thing he might consider doing differently (not better) so you both get better satisfaction...the classic win-win
There is, doubtless, vast arrays of advice on the internet although best to go for the well known main stream sites.
One thing me and my partner have learned is that the best way to improve your relationship in all ways is to communicate. Men are often very prickly when it comes to sex and performance...we all think we are brilliant when actually we are not. I'm sure others will have ideas but avoid being confrontational. Avoid closed questions that prompt a yes or no answer. Take one thing at a time and work on it....a way to make us men focus else where is to agree on a session where penetration is not on the table. That way he has to focus his energies in other ways and of course for him to orgasm he will , hopefully, welcome your assistance with hands or mouth etc....although you have to couch the agreement carefully if he is likely to see it as rejection or a critique of his performance.....Maybe surprise him out side of the bedroom .....the lounge or the kitchen....I have a vivid memory of some lick and a promise painting we were doing that involved (I'm pretty certain) a planned and very saucy diversionGrin .

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noego · 07/03/2021 16:30

Tell him you want a happy ending massage for mothers day no PIV

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nonflirtinghusband · 07/03/2021 17:32

@noego Ha, I like it. Although he is not very into massages and only does them unenthusiastically when I ask, but I might give it a go.

@wsbts I don't think I could share my post. I feel like I need to be more positive. 'You haven't given me an orgasm in 15 yrs' probably isn't an easy message to swallow. But I agree we need to talk outside the bedroom.

@CarolVordermansBum I really don't know. I think he cares, but at the same time I can't understand how he hasn't noticed. But he wasn't massively experienced before he met me so I have probably trained him poorly.

@Sparkybloke Thanks, suggesting a non penetration session is probably a good way of going about it. I'm not sure if he would see that as rejection or not. In my mind, that would be just as much fun (or more) as PIV sex, but he seems to think that's the be all. I'd like us to just mess about and have fun working out what feels good, like I have with previous boyfriends, but he's very much sex happens a certain way at 10pm, in bed, once a week. I'm struggling to motivate myself to want to despite having a high sex drive.

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Sparkybloke · 07/03/2021 17:54

You know your DH better than anyone here. Judging now to word things may not be easy but if you are to get to a better place you have to try.

As far as the regularity thing goes work, children, exhaustion all tend to play a part in meaning that opportunity tends to be limited and when in a routine of work, shopping, washing, etc. tends to be the same times each week....if he won't break the routine take matters into your own hands! No point describing my memorable time but suffice to say OH fairly obviously had a plan...child away at a birthday party....coast clear....middle of the day....that said I've always loved variety anyway so the invitation was enthusiastically received and reciprocated. Your DH may not react as I did...but one way to find out! All I can add is good luck and hope you find a solution...

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weedoogie · 07/03/2021 18:50

Men generally love to think they're great in bed. So next time he's going down on you and he's done his regulation 5 minutes and wants to come up to start PIV, stop him. Say "don't stop, that's lovely, keep on please, I'm really annoying it" so he starts to understand how much you like it. And repeat every time he does something you like, make him do it for longer by telling him how good it is.

If he doesn't respond to this, then have a proper serious conversation, tell him the truth, give him excuses to allow him to retain some self-respect ("I should have told you this before, so its not your fault"), but in the end, honest communication is the foundation of all good relationships. Communication is easy when you've only got good things to say. The key is finding a way to be honest when things are difficult and to do it in a kind and tactful way.

If he still doesn't change, then bin him off

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SilverLake · 07/03/2021 21:05

When he goes to move from foreplay to PIV can't you just say, verbally or with body language, that you are not ready for PIV yet and foreplay needs to continue. eg close your legs to some degree but in a playful way.

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bowtieandheels · 07/03/2021 21:52

Has he ever experienced you orgasm? Maybe he doesn't even know what he's missing...perhaps encourage some mutual masterbation so he can watch you orgasming?

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StarlightLady · 08/03/2021 06:28

If they start to go for it too soon, I just say something like I’m not ready yet and I’ll them know when the time is right.

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Littlefluffyclouds13 · 08/03/2021 08:21

Does he not ask if you've orgasmed? He sounds selfish/inexperienced and hopefully being open with him will help.
Dh always says he's only interested in 'silver medal sex' ie he comes second!

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Abhannmor · 08/03/2021 09:10

On the fellatio question , a lot of men ( well ok me) find it too sensitive after a while if that makes any sense? Gradually lose the erection as a result. But also I would be mortified to come to soon in general and in someone's mouth in particular. Perhaps he has similar inhibitions. With other foreplay, yes be quite specific. I agree with the poster who suggested a non piv session too. Perhaps during monthly period. Why not ?

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saleorbouy · 08/03/2021 09:48

Sounds like you need to take the lead a bit and dictate proceedings for your enjoyment.
Why not tease him a bit and tell him that there's "No entry" until he has fulfilled you. He'll soon understand the no orgasm, no pass criteria when he can't get his enjoyment.
He must be very unaware of your needs if you have never mutually orgasmed, time for some re-education!

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nonflirtinghusband · 09/03/2021 12:40

Thank you all.

@weedoogie I think you might have it. I will give that a try and see how it goes! It feels like the best way is to encourage what he is already doing rather than completely dissing him.

@SilverLake Unfortunately because we use condoms (because he was supposed to be having the snip...another long story), he usually wanders off to get a condom when he thinks he's done enough. So I will have to tell him verbally without it sounding critical.

@bowtieandheels I would like some mutual masturbation but he doesn't seem to be into it. He always wants PIV.

@Littlefluffyclouds13 I like the sound of silver medal sex! I think it's inexperience rather than selfishness, but he is the sort of guy who in general bumbles around and doesn't really notice what's going on unless I'm complaining about it. e.g. I've told him about Mother's Day this weekend so that he doesn't forget, but I'm beginning to think I might have to specifically tell him to get the kids to get me a card otherwise it won't occur to him.

@Abhannmor Thanks, that's useful to know. I kind of thought he would want to come in my mouth. I told him I wanted him to and he said no and toddled off to get a condom...

@saleorbouy Yes, you are right. I never realised that other men made their partners come first before PIV before reading these boards. With my previous boyfriend I used to come during sex most of the time, but he did take a lot of pleasure from pleasing me. I have issues with putting other peoples' needs before my own, which I'm working through in therapy atm.

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BlackSabbath · 09/03/2021 12:48



Tell him to watch this
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Namechanged1321 · 09/03/2021 15:59

Are you sure you still have strong sexual chemistry and find each other attractive? I don't mean to be presumptuous but there seems to be little sexual attraction or urges for each other. I think a lack of foreplay may be the symptom of the problem only and fixing that won't solve a great deal.

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nonflirtinghusband · 09/03/2021 17:14

@Namechanged1321 No, I'm not sure we do. I'm certainly struggling to find him attractive atm. I think he still fancies me but he's always been very laid back with a relatively low sex drive. Everything is very platonic during the day (hence the username!) and he only seems to see me sexually at bedtime. Even then I have to initiate or nothing would ever happen. Maybe he's just going through the motions...
I am very frustrated and have been thinking about leaving or having an affair but I wanted to at least try to sort this out first. I thought maybe if sex was more satisfying for me I would fancy him more and not feel like this.

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crystalcherry87 · 09/03/2021 19:05

Open your mouth. Speak. He's your husband, if you can't speak to him about sex then you shouldn't be having sex with him. Dear God.

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cosmicbabe · 10/03/2021 22:42

Did you speak to your OH OP?.... To be fair I understand your position. I was with an Ex for a long time and not once to did he make me orgasm and neither did he even ask if I had... So I thought this was normal. Now I've met a great guy who asks and says he loves to please me as that gives him great pleasure too. But because I've been so used to not coming I now struggle to orgasm with my new partner. 😦

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CookPassBabtridge · 13/03/2021 12:36

I feel like a right weirdo on these boards. I love sex, far more than foreplay.. I love everything about it. I really get into it. But I'm 35 and never orgasmed. Blush

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BigButtons · 16/03/2021 16:42

My partner of 2 plus years is like this. I put up with it for 2 years-no orgasm- madness.
In the end I got very fed up and told him that I wasn't having any and he had to do some more foreplay.
I told him it wasn't fair that he got to orgasm and I didn't. I also told him that I needed more variety.
I had tried being subtle, I had tried encouraging him. The only thing that worked was me being direct and frankly quite cross.

He knew there was something up anyway- I'm sure your DH does too.
Life's too short to say nothing.

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cosmicbabe · 16/03/2021 21:23

@BigButtons

My partner of 2 plus years is like this. I put up with it for 2 years-no orgasm- madness.
In the end I got very fed up and told him that I wasn't having any and he had to do some more foreplay.
I told him it wasn't fair that he got to orgasm and I didn't. I also told him that I needed more variety.
I had tried being subtle, I had tried encouraging him. The only thing that worked was me being direct and frankly quite cross.

He knew there was something up anyway- I'm sure your DH does too.
Life's too short to say nothing.

Did he change or did you eventually split up?
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BigButtons · 17/03/2021 10:28

He changed!

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nonflirtinghusband · 17/03/2021 11:57

That's good to know @BigButtons! I am planning to talk to him about it this week. I think part of the issue is my own fear of his reaction and us potentially ending up splitting over it (we have kids). But I can't go on like this or I'll end up cheating.

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BigButtons · 17/03/2021 12:36

@nonflirtinghusband

That's good to know *@BigButtons*! I am planning to talk to him about it this week. I think part of the issue is my own fear of his reaction and us potentially ending up splitting over it (we have kids). But I can't go on like this or I'll end up cheating.

It’s so hard as you are between a rocks and a hard place. You deserve better. I hope you find your voice.
I said something like” we we have sex you cum every time and that is great. I never do and we should both have an equal share of the fun. What works for me is this....” I was very matter of fact about it. Try and keep emotions out of it🙂
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