Sexless Marriage

[RacLou82]

Good evening I am wondering if there are any other women out there living with a man with low or no sex drive. And if so what are your coping strategies, or have you left a relationship because of it? I have been with my partner for nearly 16 years, we got married almost 7 years ago but lived together before that. We have two children together. After we got married things started to gradually go downhill, he got more distant and he lost interest in sex. Now there is barely any conversation or affection and we feel more like brother and sister than partners. Whilst he is a good man, a great dad and a hard worker, he is not much company for me, we sit in separate rooms every evening him on xbox me on TV. We are only intimate about once every 6 months and then I usually have to initiate it. On these rare occasions it is over very quickly he doesn't make much effort to satisfy me. I am so frustrated that I have found myself fantasising about having an affair but would feel far too guilty to do so. I have lost count of the number of conversations I've had with him telling him how unhappy i am and that things need to change. He says he is just stressed with work and sex doesnt even cross his mind. I have asked him to go to the doctor but he refuses as he says there is nothing wrong with him. He then promises to make more effort but a week later the same pattern returns. I am finding it so embarassing and exhausting having the same discussion over and over again. I feel like he is just doing it out of obligation and thinks I'm some sort of sex crazed nympho! ( which I'm certainly not but more than twice yearly would be nice!) I am hurting so bad emotionally especially since lockdown back in March as he is there all the time to remind me what is missing from our relationship. I am so angry at him that i snap at him over nothing, but he doesn't react at all just ignores me. We didn't even have sex last week on valentines night i got myself ready and nice underwear on but he handed me the remote at 10pm and said he was going to sleep. I am at breaking point now and seriously considering ending the relationship. I've spent almost all of my 30s feeling rejected, unsexy and lonely. Now I'm approaching 39 and when I think of my future continuing like this it is unbearable. I had started counselling sessions on my own to help me work through these feelings but I had to stop doing them as I don't have any privacy anymore with the kids and hubby always around! Sorry for the long post but this has been building for so long and don't know where else to vent. Hoping there is someone on here who can relate so I can be reassured I'm not alone.

Same here , I've been in a relationship with the same person for eighteen years and married for getting on for nine, Its tough not being wanted , not being held, the only real contact I get these days is a hug off the kids, we have three .

Got to be honest, I've read your post again and I could copy and paste it to my situation, I think it may be time to call our marriage over, except for the upheaval it would cause, I guess that's your dilemma. I have to ask like some naughty kid and last time we had sex type sex was last June, my situation is a little different in that my partner had an affair for years and when I found out I was told they were sorry and they would try , well that was three years ago and they have not tried too hard, your younger than me so you may be able to sort your situation.

@RacLou82
@Skytrain
I have no advice for you, but take a look at this active thread in relationships, the genders are reversed, but the issue is the same, and most posters say leaver her,
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4154388-Sexless-Marriage

But strangely a few people (maybe female? ), comment along the lines of ‘stop thinking about your penis’, which I suppose would be like someone saying you to ‘stop thinking about your vagina”, !, but take a read, there are plenty of good comments

I left and didn’t look back. Like you, I repeatedly told him how unhappy I was, but he still seemed surprised that I wanted out.

Its a tough one OP and im sure many, if not most, people in a LTR will at least have had periods of no sex, perhaps for months or years. Sometimes it recovers other times it doesnt but its never as easy as saying LTB if he wont have sex with you. There are so many other elements to a relationship other than sex and when you have been together a while your lives are so intertwined its never easy to call time on it.

Unfortunately that leaves few options other than the obvious......masturbation or opening the marriage up to sex with other people either with or without their knowledge. Most people will have a problem with the later part of that deeming it cheating and yes it is however every relationship and every person is different. We all have needs and lives that are not always straightforward. There is always a grey area whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.

First steps is to talk to your DH. Explain your feelings and see where that takes you. If you want to broach the subject of an open marriage then do it otherwise work out whether you could live with 'cheating' and getting your needs met behind his back.

Skytrain
Sorry that your partner cheated on you that must be awful. Sometimes I think I would prefer to find out my partner was being unfaithful as it would provide a reason as to why he has gone off sex. Not a very nice reason and of course I would be angry, but at least it would be an explanation. I am finding the idea that he simply does not want sex (with me or anyone else) really hard to deal with. I know its not possible he has cheated as he literally never leaves the house and even before lockdown he stayed in unless out with me. It is such a difficult and lonely position to be in isnt it? I really hope you find happiness whatever you decide to do xx

You are not alone.

We went for two and a half years without having sex. It really upset me and we are definitely not out of the woods, but after getting to the crisis point when we were talking about getting divorced, oddly enough that acted as a catalyst for things to get better.

I think every couple has their reasons for their specific sex life, and don’t be hard on yourself or compare too much to others (I do this a lot! But it gets in the way). I think as much as we can, we have to try to understand why we have as much sex as we do from a compassionate and thoughtful perspective.

For us? Why did our sex life suffer??

1. My husband was addicted to porn for many years. He sought therapy for it before we got married, and was honest about it, but I don’t think I realised quite how damaging it would be for our ability to maintain a happy sex life. Is porn a factor?
2. Illness. My husband has depression and I now know I had two undiagnosed autoimmune endocrine conditions (underactive thyroid and Addison’s disease - my adrenal glands no longer work...). These conditions massively affected libido on both sides. I am now much better on regular medication and my husband, although he is annoyingly one of those people who won’t take anti-ds, has had hugely positive effects on his mood from exercise: he’s been running 5k every day, has lost weight and is definitely happier. Is your husband depressed? Can you get yourself checked by a doctor? 1/5 women have underactive thyroids and yet about half are not diagnosed.
3. young children/pregnancy. Lots of things go on here:-

• my husband told me he didn’t fancy me when I was pregnant which I found very hard.
• my husband also admitted that due to a very troubled relationship with his parents his therapist told him he probably had some weird Madonna issues, in that the mother of children is no longer a sexual being (I hope we’ve got over this a bit - therapy, even if only to get awareness of things without dealing with them, has been helpful)
• the brutal fatigue of young children
• fears about getting pregnant again. I have three children and found pregnancy hard and had a year’s worth of PND after each child. I’ve just had a coil fitted which I hope will help.

4. Digital entertainment - smartphones, tv, games....it all gets in the way.

5. Communication/unresolved issues. We have had massive issues in our marriage relating to severe pressure and control from my in-laws. They have been emotionally abusive to my husband since he was born and have been incredibly cruel and bullying towards me. This is a problem as they have an unusual amount of control over our lives in financial and housing terms for various reasons. This has caused huge friction in our relationship.

So there are lots of reasons. It definitely hasn’t been one-sided as there have been times when I just didn’t want to have sex-for hormonal, emotional reasons, and even just being anxious through lack of practice. We started seeing a couples counsellor who we both like. She is a lovely woman and we look forward to seeing her. One night we just went for it - not sure why, it just happened. And it was great. Made us both kinder and more connected the next day.

We will have to keep on working at it - I think it’s almost like a habit and you have to build it up again. And it’s definitely me that does most of the running in our relationship. My husband will happily just eat dinner and watch TV every night. We don’t talk enough. It’s me that pushes for things to get better. It’s obviously not ideal but I don’t think I’m the only woman who ends up being the ‘engine’ in a relationship. My husband definitely puts much less effort in, and yes, it annoys me, but the fact he does counselling with me counts for a lot.

Not sure if this makes any sense but just wanted to say I think it can get better.
For 6.5 years we have had very little sex apart from when trying to conceive, and yet I think I have some hope we can recover. I wouldn’t have been able to write that a year ago.

X

[quote JustAnotherOldMan]@RacLou82
@Skytrain
I have no advice for you, but take a look at this active thread in relationships, the genders are reversed, but the issue is the same, and most posters say leaver her,
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4154388-Sexless-Marriage

But strangely a few people (maybe female? ), comment along the lines of ‘stop thinking about your penis’, which I suppose would be like someone saying you to ‘stop thinking about your vagina”, !, but take a read, there are plenty of good comments[/quote]
Just Another Old Man
Lol this made me laugh 😆. I actually don't think about my vagina that much, my sex drive isn't particularly high. I would just like to know I can get some now and again, its more the physical closeness and affection I miss not the act itself. As a healthy woman in my 30s I don't think this is a big ask. Thanks for sending me the link for the thread ive had a read. Think this is my main concern- it is a fairly common thing for a man to complain about their wives not "putting out" but I've never come across another woman who shares the problem I have. All I hear about is men being up for it all the time. It feels really humiliating and degrading to me that the man I married does not touch me. I know if the situation was reversed and I had lost my sex drive l would be really worried for my husband and would do anything to turn things around. For my husband to just dismiss my feelings like it doesn't matter just because he is fine with it is unacceptable. Many men are told to leave sexless marriages whereas it seems women are expected to put up with it.

@NoBetterthanSheShouldBe

I left and didn’t look back. Like you, I repeatedly told him how unhappy I was, but he still seemed surprised that I wanted out.

Glad that you made the right decision for you and that you didn't regret it. Crazy that he was surprised when you told him time and again, sadly I think my hubby would react the same. Its like they don't take anything in. Was it difficult to tell him and did he accept it? I just don't think I can find the right words and also keep thinking of the effect on our children 😕

Hi, I think the trouble is once a partner falls out of love with you or at least lust it's very hard to switch those feelings back on, you can't force someone to want you. When your older with a mortgage or lease and children you can't just say "fuck it" and up sticks and go looking for pastures new and even if you could finding somebody is bloody tiring . So what do you do , settle for a roof over your head and cuddle a squirming child as they try and play some computer game and say "Get off daddy". I do fantasize over finding a job overseas and having and adventure of sorts , a last hurrah, if we did split I would find dealing with the children very hard . Is sex so important, I enjoy it I really do but maybe not getting much if any causes a person to imagine it's even better , even more important than it actually is , years ago I went out with a woman who loved sex, nothing extreme or bizarre just sex, up to five times a day, and I did end up getting a bit tired of it, did get a flat stomach though, every cloud.. How I would love some of that now. I would say if there are more problems than just sex and you have a bit of a support network maybe ending it with your partner is a possibility but it's a pretty big deal, it certainly would be for me.
I also still fancy my wife, which is a pain in some ways , she makes a point of generally not letting me see her naked, so if I catch a glimpse of her in the bath or getting dressed it's hard to take, it wasn't always like this . As for scratching itches I have a wank, yay, even that's problematic as our eldest child is sometimes up quite late , or the littlest one will get up for a pit stop wee . It does get easier , I have fewer thoughts , smaller frustrations about sex than I used to, years of suppressing such feelings pays off, they move into the background. I am pissed off but for me it's probably not the end of the world .

I think sex is generally the barometer of a relationship, when you have calm waters and plain sailing, sex is good and easy, but when choppy waters and rough seas enter a relationship, sex seems to be the 1st thing that suffers, people get resentful and put up mental and emotional barriers to sex that never really come down again.
When my marriage ended (a long time ago now), we probably had crap sex once or twice in the last 2 years of it, I still wanted sex, just not with her, and she didn’t really want anything to do with me either, so that was that, looking back, we were probably pretty shitty to each other really.

@RacLou82, I think you might need to have a long think about your marriage as for me, lask of sex was just a symptom of other issues .

As an aside have a look at the TED talks about sexless marriages,
This one is pretty funny to be honest

I was in this boat and my ex took the decision out of my hands by having an affair and leaving me. It was clear he actually did want sex, just not with me!

We discussed things when going through the split and he told me he just stopped fancying me once the kids had come along and the drudgery of life had taken over. He couldn’t switch the feeling back on. We limped along for years like that.

It might be something like that but they often won’t admit it.

Hello

This is my relationship I am 30 we have been together since I was 20. He never hugs me, kisses me or sleeps with me. Rarely even speaks to me.

When we do have sex he doesn’t try and never looks at me, we usually closes his eyes or looks away. He treats me ruff or and speaks to me like a porn star. I too have been depressed and lonely because of it. We have the same argument every month about him being distant and not sleeping with me, I threaten to leave but don’t.

He refuses therapy, refuses to leave me says it’s all in my head and there is nothing wrong with us. He uses the I’m stressed at work excuse (which isn't true).

Look up avoidant attachment style. 25% of the population are avoidant and most of them are men. They feel safe by being distant and will never give you love. They also never change.

I read a book called ‘attached’ it very good.

Why don’t you leave him Cinderella?

I have no money, job, friends or confidence. It takes about 5 years to get a council house.

Also look up anxious avoidant cycle.

OP i feel so much for you. Ive been married 21 years and its now 5 years since DH had sex with me. Ive given up if honest even only 46. I find ive felt cheap trying to tempt him. we occasionally hug but rarely. i guess ive become used to being celibate. I dont enjoy masturbating so basically sex / cumming have become things of the past. I admit I feel very depressed much of the time. Message or FB me anytime. I really understand how you may feel

Cinderella please try and change your direction there is time, there must be someone you can call a friend, I only have a few people I call friends and know quite a few people I chat to, and take a look at putting your name on housing lists anyway, you never know , you need to try and break the circle your stuck in, what about your own family can they help you, do they know how you feel

I have spoken to my family they just say things like

‘Oh that’s what men are like quite distant.’
‘ what do you except someone to be perfect?’

My mum said
‘ well you can’t leave him because you will never have a house or money. You will never met anyone else especially now you have a child. You will just be broke, lonely and depressed’

I gave up talking about it as they give bad advice. I did CBT and she just said stop focusing on other people and start focusing on yourself.

Anyways this post isn’t about me. If your partner isnt willing to change then they never will. A lot of people seek emotional support from friends when you don’t get it from their partner.

I guess the question is can you live like this forever and just concentrate on work and hobbies?

@RosieBenenden, jeez, that sounds awful, so sorry.
I live alone, so no sex for me either, but that’s my choice, can you leave or split ?

It's common for men working long hours in a stressful job to suffer lack of libido and/or ED. It's very easily fixed via a prescription from his GP. Your main problem is that he doesn't seem to think there's a problem! If he refuses to accept that lack of libido, a sexless marriage and his wife being unhappy are problems then I can't see what you can do. Will he see a doctor about improving libido? Will he do it for your sake even if he doesn't think there's a problem? Although bear in mind that even if he does do that and your sexlife improves, it may not solve the issue around cuddling and affection, that could be something else.

There are a lot of people in this situation. And this is why websites like Illicit Encounters exist - they help people with these issues connect and help each other feel better.
In my marriage that ended recently ago sex also went away. And I found the website a good way to keep sane while in a difficult phase of my life.

There were many people there in the same situation you are describing.
Not the usual advice MN would give, but I think life isn’t black and white.

@RacLou82 it doesn’t get better! I was in your situation 3 years ago, it ruined my confidence to the point where I started gaining weight and becoming a bit reclusive. I felt that if he couldn’t show me any affection, why would anyone else like me.

I had counselling and it helped to see this wasn’t my problem. I wasn’t unworthy or unattractive or old and past it. I lost the weight, got really fit, started socialising more again and my life was much happier, but still he didn’t notice me. I couldn’t understand why it hadn’t had any impact on him.

I had an affair in the end - very brief and I did tell him afterwards. It wasn’t necessarily the right thing to do and I felt really bad, but I realised that not all men are like this. I broke it all off and confessed as I didn’t want to break up my family. My DH was upset but didn’t want us to split either. We said we would try again but 3 years later and it’s just the same. I won’t have another affair but once the kids are grown, I’m out of this relationship. He’s a nice man and a good dad but we’re not compatible. He’s happy to have a companion and doesn’t want to be alone, but this isn’t how I want to spend my whole life.

My circumstances are quite complicated as we don’t have any family support around and financially, we cannot afford to split. If you have a way out, I would take it and try again. Things become very bitter the longer it goes on and sometimes people just aren’t right for each other. Life is for living.

Firstly I was also in this position. We went two years without sex. Pretending to the world we had a happy marriage. That made me angry. A word of warning. It won't get any better. You have two choices. Stay or leave.

I would ask all readers to read the original post again but imagine it had been written by a man. What would the comments had been then.

Do you do you fare share around the house?
Do you help looking after the children?
Are you putting unnecessary pressure on your wife?
Wearing sexy underwear. Puts pressure on your partner.

It really winds me up. Why do we treat men posters differently about this subject but when a woman is struggling with an issue it's a big love in.

I think there’s a difference between being g in a relationship where intimacy is given and received in other ways, hugging, kissing, curling up together to go to sleep, having good, loving communication.

But a relationship with none of this, plus no sex, what’s the point?

Life is short, and I know ending a relationship isn’t always an option, but don’t waste your previous years in this situation.

*precious, not previous