Sexless Marriage

[RacLou82]

Good evening I am wondering if there are any other women out there living with a man with low or no sex drive. And if so what are your coping strategies, or have you left a relationship because of it? I have been with my partner for nearly 16 years, we got married almost 7 years ago but lived together before that. We have two children together. After we got married things started to gradually go downhill, he got more distant and he lost interest in sex. Now there is barely any conversation or affection and we feel more like brother and sister than partners. Whilst he is a good man, a great dad and a hard worker, he is not much company for me, we sit in separate rooms every evening him on xbox me on TV. We are only intimate about once every 6 months and then I usually have to initiate it. On these rare occasions it is over very quickly he doesn't make much effort to satisfy me. I am so frustrated that I have found myself fantasising about having an affair but would feel far too guilty to do so. I have lost count of the number of conversations I've had with him telling him how unhappy i am and that things need to change. He says he is just stressed with work and sex doesnt even cross his mind. I have asked him to go to the doctor but he refuses as he says there is nothing wrong with him. He then promises to make more effort but a week later the same pattern returns. I am finding it so embarassing and exhausting having the same discussion over and over again. I feel like he is just doing it out of obligation and thinks I'm some sort of sex crazed nympho! ( which I'm certainly not but more than twice yearly would be nice!) I am hurting so bad emotionally especially since lockdown back in March as he is there all the time to remind me what is missing from our relationship. I am so angry at him that i snap at him over nothing, but he doesn't react at all just ignores me. We didn't even have sex last week on valentines night i got myself ready and nice underwear on but he handed me the remote at 10pm and said he was going to sleep. I am at breaking point now and seriously considering ending the relationship. I've spent almost all of my 30s feeling rejected, unsexy and lonely. Now I'm approaching 39 and when I think of my future continuing like this it is unbearable. I had started counselling sessions on my own to help me work through these feelings but I had to stop doing them as I don't have any privacy anymore with the kids and hubby always around! Sorry for the long post but this has been building for so long and don't know where else to vent. Hoping there is someone on here who can relate so I can be reassured I'm not alone.

@cobaltblue27

You are not alone.

We went for two and a half years without having sex. It really upset me and we are definitely not out of the woods, but after getting to the crisis point when we were talking about getting divorced, oddly enough that acted as a catalyst for things to get better.

I think every couple has their reasons for their specific sex life, and don’t be hard on yourself or compare too much to others (I do this a lot! But it gets in the way). I think as much as we can, we have to try to understand why we have as much sex as we do from a compassionate and thoughtful perspective.

For us? Why did our sex life suffer??

1. My husband was addicted to porn for many years. He sought therapy for it before we got married, and was honest about it, but I don’t think I realised quite how damaging it would be for our ability to maintain a happy sex life. Is porn a factor?
2. Illness. My husband has depression and I now know I had two undiagnosed autoimmune endocrine conditions (underactive thyroid and Addison’s disease - my adrenal glands no longer work...). These conditions massively affected libido on both sides. I am now much better on regular medication and my husband, although he is annoyingly one of those people who won’t take anti-ds, has had hugely positive effects on his mood from exercise: he’s been running 5k every day, has lost weight and is definitely happier. Is your husband depressed? Can you get yourself checked by a doctor? 1/5 women have underactive thyroids and yet about half are not diagnosed.
3. young children/pregnancy. Lots of things go on here:-

• my husband told me he didn’t fancy me when I was pregnant which I found very hard.
• my husband also admitted that due to a very troubled relationship with his parents his therapist told him he probably had some weird Madonna issues, in that the mother of children is no longer a sexual being (I hope we’ve got over this a bit - therapy, even if only to get awareness of things without dealing with them, has been helpful)
• the brutal fatigue of young children
• fears about getting pregnant again. I have three children and found pregnancy hard and had a year’s worth of PND after each child. I’ve just had a coil fitted which I hope will help.

4. Digital entertainment - smartphones, tv, games....it all gets in the way.

5. Communication/unresolved issues. We have had massive issues in our marriage relating to severe pressure and control from my in-laws. They have been emotionally abusive to my husband since he was born and have been incredibly cruel and bullying towards me. This is a problem as they have an unusual amount of control over our lives in financial and housing terms for various reasons. This has caused huge friction in our relationship.

So there are lots of reasons. It definitely hasn’t been one-sided as there have been times when I just didn’t want to have sex-for hormonal, emotional reasons, and even just being anxious through lack of practice. We started seeing a couples counsellor who we both like. She is a lovely woman and we look forward to seeing her. One night we just went for it - not sure why, it just happened. And it was great. Made us both kinder and more connected the next day.

We will have to keep on working at it - I think it’s almost like a habit and you have to build it up again. And it’s definitely me that does most of the running in our relationship. My husband will happily just eat dinner and watch TV every night. We don’t talk enough. It’s me that pushes for things to get better. It’s obviously not ideal but I don’t think I’m the only woman who ends up being the ‘engine’ in a relationship. My husband definitely puts much less effort in, and yes, it annoys me, but the fact he does counselling with me counts for a lot.

Not sure if this makes any sense but just wanted to say I think it can get better.
For 6.5 years we have had very little sex apart from when trying to conceive, and yet I think I have some hope we can recover. I wouldn’t have been able to write that a year ago.

X

Hi Cobaltblue27 you make some really good points thankyou, sorry its taken an age to respond life has happened again! So in answer to your questions:

1. My hubby does not appear interested in porn at all. If anything he is quite prudish and doesn't seem to get turned on by any sexual scene on TV, many a time we watched Game of Thrones together and he would not get even slightly frisky afterwards.
2. I think its possible he could be depressed, however he refuses to go to GP or even discuss it with me. I suffer from depression myself, but I haven't lost my sex drive with it so I think physically I am ok. And the fact I'm not getting any sex is making my depression worse. I really miss not just the act itself but just being touched, held and physical close to someone. Feels like I'm grieving the loss of it.
3. My husband was far more into sex before the children came along. He did still want it at least weekly when I was pregnant with my first child, but the birth was horrendous and I've often wondered if him witnessing that has put him off. He reassures me he still fancies me and feels very lucky to have me, just that sex doesn't cross his mind as he thinks about work all the time. I had the mirena coil in 3 years ago and also im on the mini pill, hoping that a year after my second child was born we would return to some kind of regular sex life. But no he has barely gone near me and I'm so angry that im putting myself through hormonal contraception when he's not interested i keep thinking what's the point?!
4. He does work all day in front of a screen, then goes on his xbox til at least midnight most nights im usually asleep before he comes to bed. I have said that this isn't good for him but he says it helps him destress after work, we never watch TV together anymore our tastes are complete opposites.
5. Communication has always been a massive issue. He has been brought up to never discuss emotions etc and to "just crack on with life", whereas my family upbringing was really open and we like to talk things through. Because my husband is so uncomfortable talking about anything serious like our relationship it makes me really anxious talking to him. The way he has responded has made me feel really embarrassed and dirty about asking for more sex, he hasn't reassured me he wants more too. After 4 conversations ending the same way and no improvement I feel too humiliated to bring up the subject again.

I have been to counselling on my own as he will not even see a GP let alone a therapist. I had to give up the sessions as now I don't get any privacy away from him as he is working from home. It is great that your partner is willing to go to counselling with you and work on your marriage, does sound like you have a good chance and I wish you all the best xx

@Cinderella25

I have spoken to my family they just say things like

‘Oh that’s what men are like quite distant.’
‘ what do you except someone to be perfect?’

My mum said
‘ well you can’t leave him because you will never have a house or money. You will never met anyone else especially now you have a child. You will just be broke, lonely and depressed’

I gave up talking about it as they give bad advice. I did CBT and she just said stop focusing on other people and start focusing on yourself.

Anyways this post isn’t about me. If your partner isnt willing to change then they never will. A lot of people seek emotional support from friends when you don’t get it from their partner.

I guess the question is can you live like this forever and just concentrate on work and hobbies?

Cinderella25 I am sorry that you are going through this too, it really is so difficult to deal with isnt it. I'm really shocked though at the unhelpful comments made by your family members. My family are the opposite they keep saying I deserve to be happy and that its never too late to start again, even with a child. And yes there is the financial aspect to consider but I know some single parents who have actually said they were better off. I do agree that CBT or counselling is a good idea to help build your self esteem first before making any decisions, I wish you the best of luck whether you stay or go x

Gentlemen Jay
Thankyou for pointing out that men posting about this subject are treated differently! Im so glad its not just me that feels like this. It always seems that men get told to leave a sexless relationship, whereas women are expected to just put up with it as if sex isn't as important to them as it is to men. The difference is I know if it was the other way around and I had lost my sex drive I would be worried about not meeting my partners needs and would do everything I could to remedy the problem. It is a shame that I do not receive this sort of consideration from my partner. As for sexy underwear being pressure I didn't parade in front of him making it obvious. I was just hoping on Valentines Night that he might have got close enough to actually undress me to reveal the effort I made for him underneath! But I shouldn't have been surprised as I have got out of shower and walked naked in front of him many times and he doesn't even show any interest. I have felt rejected so many times I have given up trying now.

Hi, bloke here and I am one of those that have indeed posted on here (quite some time ago now!) about this subject. No point in sending you the link to it as it is pretty much the same as all the others, including yours. As in, everyone has a different (and respected) opinion on what the cause is and what you should do about it. When it comes down to it, only you are really going to be able to start to and hopefully change it. The positive is that you can both talk about it (ironically, the reverse of my own woes). Please forgive me if I've misinterpreted your opening post but it does (seem to) come across that it's more talking at him than to him about it? You've told him plenty of times that you are unhappy with it all but what's his take on it? I suppose what I'm getting at, has he actually said he is or isn't interested in you/sex? I would see this answer as critical although probably best to not sit him down and shine a desk lamp in his face to ask this but the answer would be the best starting point. Falling out of lust is an easier fix than falling out of love. The fact that you're asking advice and trying things like underwear does show that you love him and genuinely want things to work out as opposed to finding reasons to divorce. Of course, with regards to not parading in front of him dressed in lacy underwear, maybe you should......sorry, not making light of your situation, it's just that I could almost hear your frustrated scream in that line of your response to GentlemanJay.

I'm afraid all I can offer is sympathy and the hope that you can find a way through. We have been married for 30+ years and our sex life is non-existent (once a year, if that). I have tried to talk to DW about it on a number of occasions but she says "why is it so important to you". Whilst sex is enjoyable the thing I miss the most is little intimacies - we never touch, kiss or any of the gestures that make a relationship different from sharing a house.
As I said, good luck.

@Clarity2019

Hi, bloke here and I am one of those that have indeed posted on here (quite some time ago now!) about this subject. No point in sending you the link to it as it is pretty much the same as all the others, including yours. As in, everyone has a different (and respected) opinion on what the cause is and what you should do about it. When it comes down to it, only you are really going to be able to start to and hopefully change it. The positive is that you can both talk about it (ironically, the reverse of my own woes). Please forgive me if I've misinterpreted your opening post but it does (seem to) come across that it's more talking at him than to him about it? You've told him plenty of times that you are unhappy with it all but what's his take on it? I suppose what I'm getting at, has he actually said he is or isn't interested in you/sex? I would see this answer as critical although probably best to not sit him down and shine a desk lamp in his face to ask this but the answer would be the best starting point. Falling out of lust is an easier fix than falling out of love. The fact that you're asking advice and trying things like underwear does show that you love him and genuinely want things to work out as opposed to finding reasons to divorce. Of course, with regards to not parading in front of him dressed in lacy underwear, maybe you should......sorry, not making light of your situation, it's just that I could almost hear your frustrated scream in that line of your response to GentlemanJay.

Clarity2019 Hi you are right in saying most of my conversations with my husband on this subject have been one sided from me. He seems very uncomfortable as soon as I try to talk about our relationship, its like he can't cope with emotional stuff (more a facts and figures kind of talker). Each time I've spoken about it he has been silent for a really long time before answering. First time was almost 5 years ago, his answer was "I think I'm just getting too old for all that now!" He was 36. I felt shocked and heartbroken, when I tried to discuss this further he changed the subject. The next time I brought it up he said he does still really fancy me just doesn't think about sex at all because of work stress. And the most recent time last July I told him that I was considering ending the relationship unless things improved. He said he didn't want to break up and promised to try harder, he started just by kissing me goodbye in the morning, we agreed to just concentrate on kissing and touching again and see where that took us. 2 weeks later the kissing had stopped and we were back to square one. Now I just feel too cheap and humiliated to ask again, its clear being intimate doesn't come naturally to him and he just does it to please me. This makes me really sad because I don't want affection to be given to me purely out of obligation . I've now reached the point where I think I'm actually falling out of love with him. I will always care about him but how can I feel "in love" when the physical contact has stopped?

@GeorgeOhWell

I'm afraid all I can offer is sympathy and the hope that you can find a way through. We have been married for 30+ years and our sex life is non-existent (once a year, if that). I have tried to talk to DW about it on a number of occasions but she says "why is it so important to you". Whilst sex is enjoyable the thing I miss the most is little intimacies - we never touch, kiss or any of the gestures that make a relationship different from sharing a house. As I said, good luck.

GeorgeOhWell I'm sorry you are going through this. 30 years is an awfully long time. The fact that your wife doesn't find it important for her is worrying, she should want to make you happy and this would make her happier as a result. This is what I find so selfish about my husband, he is not bothered about a sex life so he doesn't get help and assumes I can just get over it. I totally agree with you about the small intimacies, I desperately miss being touched, held and kissed. Without these it feels like we are nothing more than housemates. I wish you luck as well and hope you find the happiness you deserve.

Wasn't pointing a finger of blame there, the reason I asked was that I too was having one sided 'conversations' but only realised this later on. In fact, it was when I reached out on here that made me look back and re-evaluate. To save tmi on your post (and fresh embarrassment for me!) some of the advice/opinions given to me may help a bit Here It does seem to me that you have tried everything you can and the fact that you would consider ending the relationship because of it does underline how unhappy you are. I agree that 36 is not an ideal age to be coming out with that kind of revelation and worse, not being able to find some middle ground in the subsequent years. I assume that 16 years ago the affection was there? Well, not the full 16 years as I guess every relationship is more than full on in the first couple of years? I can relate to work stresses and yes, it can indeed put your mind everywhere except on your partner but this is not all the time so appreciate everyone's stresses are different but this could be something to look at? Bearing in mind, one of the first steps in dealing with stress is accepting that you are stressed! You have kids so would imagine that you also have varying levels of stress (not a slur on your children!!) and possibly not recognising it either but this would mean that the perfect day when neither of you have other things on your mind could be rare. Bit of an old chestnut but have you tried to have a 'date night'? Obviously the current climate somewhat hinders a romantic night out but to be honest, being out can also be a distraction. Maybe get the kids out on a sleepover, get the candles out, get a takeaway and make sure the xbox is unplugged. I'm not a gamer but guessing the xbox could well be his way of de-stressing but not realising that a much better way of de-stressing is actually sat in the next room! The only other thing I can add is that nothing will change instantly. Your anger, pain and frustration screams out in your posts and based on my own experience, fully understand your dilemma. Maybe one more try at getting things back on track before putting the white flag out?

Clarity2019

Yeh i do want to really try to work on things just not sure what more I can do now. We have date nights fairly frequently, well we did before lockdown anyway when our parents were allowed to have our kids round for a sleepover! But most of these date nights result in the conversation drying up really quickly and long awkward silences. Then end with him falling asleep before we get a chance for any intimacy. Even when we are staying in hotels for our wedding anniversary this happens. It leaves me heartbroken.
Basically our sex life felt normal and passionate still after almost 10 years living together and one 4 year old child. Then we get married have a great honeymoon but as soon as we get home everything has changed and his interest disappeared. It is very upsetting and after 7 years I still can't work out why. We went on to have a second child so not saying it was completely sexless but very infrequent.
Of course I am stressed out too with kids and my own job, but I still want to feel close to my husband and know our disconnected relationship is making me more stressed and irritable towards the kids.
I clicked on your link and read your original posts, I could totally relate to everything you said and really feel for you. I don't know whether you managed to salvage things in your relationship but hope either way you found happiness moving forward.

@Cinderella25

Hello

This is my relationship I am 30 we have been together since I was 20. He never hugs me, kisses me or sleeps with me. Rarely even speaks to me.

When we do have sex he doesn’t try and never looks at me, we usually closes his eyes or looks away. He treats me ruff or and speaks to me like a porn star. I too have been depressed and lonely because of it. We have the same argument every month about him being distant and not sleeping with me, I threaten to leave but don’t.

He refuses therapy, refuses to leave me says it’s all in my head and there is nothing wrong with us. He uses the I’m stressed at work excuse (which isn't true).

Look up avoidant attachment style. 25% of the population are avoidant and most of them are men. They feel safe by being distant and will never give you love. They also never change.

I read a book called ‘attached’ it very good.

Oh God please leave if you can @cinderella25

He treats me ruff or and speaks to me like a porn star - what does that mean exactly in practice?? Does he masturbate? Could it be that he doesn't enjoy having sex with you because he has porn-like expectations of you?