Talk to me about sex toys

[CE24915]

OK, so dh has never really been able to make me orgasm.
I think in the 15 years we've been together he's managed it about 5 or so times. I've not helped it by faking it. First love, first sex and all that. And once I'd done it, it was too late to take back.
I'm happy pleasuring myself, hand or bullet works, but in front of him I am self conscious. I don't feel comfortable whipping out a bullet so wondered what else could be an idea.

We are going through a big drought right now (toddler, exhaustion, being overweight) and haven't dtd in almost 2 years!!!
I'm finding him less attractive too so want to see if we can get back into something decent as it's never particularly been good before and I want great sex.
I'm not sure if he will be up for trying things but the last few times we dtd he was in and 10s later he was done.

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If you've found this page in your search of the best couples sex toys that have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best sex toys for couples useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

To be honest it sounds a lot bigger than relying on sex toys to try and improve things. Him not being able to make you orgasm is a biggie but definitely helped by faking it and hardly ever DTD.

Are you able to discuss things honestly without an argument?

I can openly discuss what I like and don't like. I don't think I can tell him I've been faking it for a long time as I'm not sure that is going to do much good to his confidence.
I think I feel very inexperienced having only been with him and never really having had good sex and I feel like he feels a bit clueless too.
I'm not planning on jumping straight into lots of toys, but some ideas of what might assist I guess.

When he does try to pleasure me he seems to give off this vibe of how tiring it is (whether he feels that way or not) and how long it takes.
I'm aware we have some quite big issues in our relationship, but I'm hoping that if we start dtd again then that shows an attempt to at least try and see if we can make progress and gives a connection.
Maybe if the sex is good then the attraction I used to feel will return as at the moment as tired parents in a lockdown we just seem to frustrate each other.

@CE24915

"When he does try to pleasure me he seems to give off this vibe of how tiring it is (whether he feels that way or not) and how long it takes."

Him being tired trying to pleasure you isn't great unless I've just been lucky over the years. My experience has been men really enjoying taking their time and seeing how turned on they made me..and then me reciprocating. Inexperience does sound an issue. I was lucky with my first bf as he was a few years older than me and experienced. My first time he took me away and I love the fact the first time I ever had sex was an amazing experience

Being tired parents doesn't help..but maybe some small steps. Get the kids to bed and maybe a date meal (buy it in to save time.) but Invest in some new lingerie, perhaps lovehoney type and give some hints through the evening that he might want to explore😆😆

It will take time I think to get things better. DM me if easier

@namechangednorth thanks. I think dh had only slept with a few people and I get the feeling it was more drunken fumbles and not a relationship of any kind.

I think I'm just trying to figure out ways forward. Good idea on the date front with a meal. I lack some body confidence right now, but I'm working on that, so I'll have a see what lingerie options might be comfortable yet sexy.
Although I get the feeling that dh is a complete male and is just turned on by anything, which has been a problem as because of our lack of dtd means that when we do it, he lasts about 30 seconds and he's not been open to exploring ways to extend that.

Oh, and I think maybe I'm a little anxious with it being so long since we dtd, I feel more comfortable fantasising about someone else.
Plus childbirth injuries means I feel rather messed up down there!

Does he go down on you OP?

Difficult when you feel anxious but you will feel much better once you have tried to change things. Good for you as it is so easy to let things go and then find it is really too difficult to come back from it.

What my DH loved when I surprised him once was a lovehoney set which was more at the risqué end, open fronted and I had been waxed below....god did that get him going! Only problem after was I couldn't walk straight the following morning lol

Good luck

Hahaha @namechangednorth that's hilarious! I can't handle waxing, and I reckon I'd be so red and sore down there! My skin is quite sensitive and it has a meltdown with hair removal creams as it is with flare ups and ingrown hairs.

@mrsfluffymuff no he doesn't, never has. He doesn't like it and I'm at a point now where his face in between my legs would be weird.
Plus, I find I'm rather ticklish with him, I don't know if that's because what he does doesn't make me feel sexy or put me in the mood so my body finds it tickles or what but he did try once and his face tickled that area and I became very self conscious. I think in part because he said he's not keen on doing it so I'd never ask him to. I really wish I was with someone who wanted to though and knew what they were doing.

I'm not sure that new sex toys to be used together is the solution to your issue. You already know that you like using your bullet alone. The key to great sex is communication.

Perhaps you could arrange a date night where the focus is just on you. No penetrative sex for him, it's all about him pleasuring you. Tell him what you really enjoy. Show him what you want him to do. Men aren't mind readers. Spell it out. "I'd really love it if you kissed my neck/ stroked my arse/ fingered my clit.." Show appreciation when he gets it right.

You say you're uncomfortable getting the bullet out in front of him but you shouldn't be. Chances are he'll totally get off on watching you pleasure yourself.

Of course, part of the deal is that you'll return the favour next week. 😉

@CE24915
It does sound like your OH might be inexperienced. Having children in the house also adds complications, particularly if you are tired. Hats off to you that you have the energy to attempt to DTD!

I agree with the PP about date nights / lingerie, but remember it's a two way street! He has to be doing his bit!

I can see that DTD after a longish drought would cause him to only last a few seconds - that's not a surprise, and I've had that myself. I'm sure he feels mortified by it, but you should try telling him it's not an issue, and in fact, you take it as a compliment on how turned on he is by you. Even if it's a lie...

Also, just because he is a quick finisher the first time, doesn't mean he won't last longer the second time. I'd suggest (despite the fact that he won't go down on you - what's the matter with him! I love it! ), you try, er, manual manipulation or oral to bring him off the first time, allow him to recover, whilst keeping up the foreplay.

Hopefully, he will be able to go a second time. This has worked for me in the past.

Encourage him to go down on you. Maybe give him strong verbal instructions, or consider refusing sex unless he does.

Good luck!

Thanks for all the tips.
@averageguy I definitely made sure he knew that the speed wasn't an issue. It never used to be a problem but I suppose there has been some long drought periods so I can expect it.
The last time I found that the issue kept happening even though we had started to dtd more.
I still said it was fine, but suggested that he could think about what might help, I don't think he did.
He's never been able to go a second time.
I also wish he loved giving me oral, I think if he was excited and enjoyed it then it would be more comfortable for me. I'm not keen on giving him oral but used to do so regularly as I knew he enjoyed it (I don't now)

@pinotpony yes maybe you are right. I think we've lost our way as a couple and I suppose I am maybe jumping ahead. Maybe we need to figure out the having sex bit first and then work on furthering that once we are in the groove.

I'm going through a bit of a crisis of faith and questioning if we are right for each other as things have been more like friends for a long time and it's more like we are companions. There's never been great sex so it's not like I have the memory of what it should be so don't know how to get back to something I never had.
Feel like a total novice at 35 and it sucks!

@CE24915 There was a joke / story about a man that had never ridden a horse, and a horse that had never been ridden (or something). The punchline was "you can learn together", which might be apropos to your situation.

But it really depends on what you want from the relationship. You say that you are more like friends. This is what happened to me and my ex. I couldn't survive in a relationship without regular sex, so we divorced (not before we tried a number of things!). That's not for everybody, and your situation may be difficult, but you do not have to go through life having bad / no sex!!!!

@averageguy thanks.
I think we need to learn together, I worry that he always wants me to take the lead though as I'm the one who "wears the trousers" in the relationship and probably means I come across as demanding/picky, but I think I see him as the opposite being quite lazy with everything.

I definitely want to try all avenues as having never had great sex, maybe we just haven't figured it out yet.
The thought of divorce/splitting up terrifies me as I'm not sure either of us could handle it.

In my experience there are two types of men.

Those who love making a woman cum. They love going down on her, teasing her, kissing her all over, they focus on the clit, and it really turns them on to do so.

And there are the ones who are all about themselves, and pleasuring a woman does nothing for them. They see oral sex and other foreplay as a chore, something to quickly get out the way so they can get to PIV ( if they engage in foreplay at all!) where they pump away for a couple of minutes and then that's it over and done with.

Sounds like your husband is the latter. Life's too short for that IMO! If he doesn't change i would seriously consider splitting up, no way I could live like that.

@CE24915
"I worry that he always wants me to take the lead though as I'm the one who "wears the trousers" in the relationship and probably means I come across as demanding/picky, but I think I see him as the opposite being quite lazy with everything."

He really does sound passive and maybe a bit lazy in bed. As a result as time goes by it gets more difficult. It is difficult to see a solution except talking and as another person said learn together.

Clearly he isn't like this but (sorry if TMI) but you need a man to lead and dominate you at first, but someone knowing what they are doing. I referred in a post about my first BF...he was older, experienced but also sensitive (and excited) it was my first time. He took so long relaxing me and making me feel relaxed and comfortable....and gradually getting extremely aroused. When he went down and I felt him kissing me below and using his tongue, it was utterly mind blowing and he made me cum more than once.. When it came to him penetrating me I was so ready. I look back on that weekend with real fondness and am grateful he gave me such a lovely first experience.

It sounds to me that's what you need... but it sounds like he just can't do that for you

@namechangednorth yes, I so wish I hadn't been so shy and lacked such confidence in my younger years.

Noone took an interest in me until I was about 20. I kissed one guy at school once but that was it and then I was just too shy at uni, felt unattractive, self conscious and no one showed any interest until dh.
Although I chased him actually.

I think I fell fast as someone finally took an interest and things were good.
Within 18 months I'd moved to be with him as I didn't think he'd follow me after uni (there's that self confidence again) and things just plodded.
I never would have thought to split at the time as I'd invested so much and it had taken so long for someone to be interested that I dreaded being alone forever.
Don't get me wrong, we've had some great times, we are similar in a lot of ways. Films, music, politics, sense of humour, intellect etc. I always want to share exciting news with him, life would be strange without him around.
Then we got married, had kids and you just can't regret things then as if we'd not stayed together I wouldn't have the kids.
But now, I worry we are so stuck in the friend zone (well I worry I am, I think either he really does find me attractive or I have boobs so it's fine)
I think our love is less a passionate love which doesn't work so well for sex.

I feel this thread has turned into something way more than sex toys now!!

@PinotPony -l think you have hit the nail on the head. I’ve been criticised on these threads before for my “no oral, then no entry to my boudoir or my body” rule, but it has worked for me.

As for it being ticklish, you need firmer, but if he wont oblige...

Vibes are great, l have 3, and the perfect start to many a day, when I’m not fully awake for 1:1 sex but this goes way beyond sex toys.

I think there's at least one other type of man, other than the loves foreplay / lazy oaf stereotype, particularly in long term relationships.

Like the OP, DW and I were quite inexperienced at first. I had a reasonable idea of what good sex should be like: DW not so much. We went through a long voyage of discovery, mostly initiated by me. Oral, vibes, etc and DW (and I) had lots of fun. It sounds wonderful. In part it was. In other parts, it was very frustrating working out what DW did and didn't like by trial and error because she didn't really tell me. About four or five years ago I just became over it and just didn't feel like taking the initiative any more. I think I was a generous lover. Now, tbh, I'm probably pretty dull and I get more joy out of gardening.

In hindsight I was way too generous and perhaps I burned out a little.

The above may be completely irrelevant to the OP but I think the idea that all men always love foreplay / cunnilingus etc unless they're lazy needs challenging. And I dislike the idea that men have to 'give' women orgasms. It sounds like - I think accurately - that the woman expects to be passive while the man gives her a good seeing to, which seems to me no way to get good sex.

@blokenamechangesexboard thanks for your input. I don't think dh feels that way as I've never really felt like he's tried much or taken the initiative. It's always me who suggests things and if I say in advance, maybe we could think about some different things to try, he doesn't go away and think, he just waits and asks what I found and says OK (but not enthusiastically)

I'll definitely try and be confident in telling him what I do/don't like as I can see how frustrating that can be. I'm a lot better at that than I used to be, but probably could do more.
I tend to direct him location wise with his hands as he'll be in the spot but then strays to somewhere pointless, like he loses focus.
I'm not quite sure what I like outside of that, because I'm not sure I've found it yet.
We have a very plain sexual relationship and with it always being me instigating it not everything has been tried. I know a few things I'm not bothered by and I know one or 2 I'd like to try, but one is a bit difficult as I'd like him to take charge and be confident and he isn't. He's fumbly and unsure.
This is going to be tmi right now but I always have to put him inside. Does everyone have to do that?
It's like he can't find where it goes, isn't prepared to use his hands to find it himself, I always have to hold it and put it in/guide it.
Makes the him taking charge thing seem unrealistic.

@CE24915,

I sympathize. It sounds like you're on a relatively similar position to me, so beware!

I can't fault anything you've said - unfortunately, because it means that I have no suggestions, other than trying to work out what causes the lack of enthusiasm.

I will say that toys / vibes do take the pressure off, and any initial embarrassment was - in our case - well worth it, so I think you're on the right track.

Is he embarrassed about looking where to put it? I find it a bit tricky if I'm not looking.

@blokenamechangesexboard I'm not sure if he is or not
I wonder if he just gets flustered

It is absolutely awful to split up with your partner because of sexual differences, although at the time, it seems a big issue, This happened to me a very long time ago, Husband did not give me much attention sex wise, although quite perfect in other ways. I was badly frustrated for a while, and went off the rails a bit, ie, sex with another man, or two. My marriage broke up, Husband remarried later, and got a gold digging new wife, His new marriage hit the pits after a few years. but we decided to remain friends forever, and we did, until her died six years ago, I have remained single for 30 years since. I saw him four weeks before he died, and he said, just look at us, we should have lasted forever.