My husband doesnt want sex

[Winniepops12]

Hi. I am not sure why i am here but i am so upset and so here goes.

I am married to a wonderful man, he is thoughtful and kind and is a great Dad to our children. He is also absolutely beautiful and I fancy the pants off him. But he has depression and says he has absolutely no drive. We’ve had sex twice this year.

We are the best of friends and we’ve had a wonderful Christmas together. But last night I asked him if we were going to have sex anytime soon and he said no. So i went to bed feeling unattractive and unwanted again. I broke my heart through the night.

We woke up this morning and he asked me if I was in a mood with him. I told him he had hurt me and he said that it is tiring seeing me cry over sex again and again when I know he cant and doesnt have any libido.

So tonight I asked him if he masturbates and he said he doesnt. So i asked him when the last time was and he said ‘a few weeks ago’ so I asked him if he had the urge to do it then why it wasnt with me? He just looked at me. So of course I started crying and said ‘so the problem is me’ and he just put his head down. I walked upstairs and now I am completely heartbroken in the bedroom. He hasnt followed me, he is downstairs watching a film.

I dont understand it, we are such good friends and we laugh and we flirt constantly. He pulls his weight with housework, he is a big cuddler and he looks after me. I look after him and I always put his needs before my own. I am not ugly, i have a lot of male attention even though things are starting to go south now that I have breastfed two kids and im in my mid thirties. I have always been labelled as the ‘attractive one’ in my group of friends, I dont believe I am, but the only person I want to find me attractive is my husband. I take care of myself, my make up is always done, my hair styled - not for him but for me - he will tell me I look nice but he doesnt care about making love to me. Or making any effort in that way.

I called his Dr a few weeks ago and the Dr said he would call him. He did - and my husband wouldnt take the call.

What do i do? I am completely heartbroken.

Has he ever been interested in sex - was this a gradual change? Was there any issues that may be affecting him?

If he only masturbates occasionally then I would not take it a a rejection of yourself - it could be a change on form and circumstance that triggers it.

The depression - is he on meds? This could be a major faction in the lack of libido.

How are other aspects of his life, does he exercise? Is he overweight?

I think it is really difficult to suggest a fix to this. All I can say is to perhaps try and do some joint exercise together - maybe if he gets fit and the speak to a doctor to review the meds and change / reduce those may have less side effects - if he feels better about himself he may become more confident with you.

Best if luck.

Thank you for your reply! He is 17.5st which sounds heavy but he isnt fat, he is very tall and very broad and he is a mountaineer so very fit.

I think i feel like I have gone from being his object of affection to just being there in the background. I feel like he gets annoyed when i cry but if i dont cry he doesnt know anything is wrong. He said tonight he thought we’d had a lovely last 6 weeks together because there was no pressure for sex. But the truth is Ive been crying almost everyday about it on my own. I miss my husband. His lack of affection makes me feel ugly, rejected and I am sure I come across as desperate. But what else can I do when he wont speak to Dr?

I am sorry to rant again, just feeling very lonely.

How old is he?

40

We dont have any money worries, he loves his job and it isnt that stressful though he is successful and he is really talented. i didnt think the problem was me until tonight when he didnt respond when i said that the problem was obviously me.

I know he isnt having an affair - but his lack of attraction to me makes me feel so insecure, unattractive and lonely.

It could be a drop in testosterone levels but without going to the GP its going to be hard to analyse.

Is he under stress at work ?

No i dont think so. Not too much I dont think. He doesnt bring work home with him, he relaxes every night and he has hobbies that he takes a lot of interest in but he does have depression diagnosed 6 years ago. The meds seem to be working but his libido wasnt huge before. Dont get me wrong, i dont actually have a high sex drive myself, but a 2-3 times a month would be lovely. Instead he wont even try and let me work to get him in the mood. He wont do anything remotely sexual and doesnt even kiss me properly anymore but he says that it would lead me on...

And i have told him I cant live in a sexless marriage but then I think to myself I have hit the jackpot woth him on so many ways. I feel safe and looked after. Am i being utterly selfish?

So he’s on antidepressants?

I hope someone can offer some advice. My partner is exactly the same , so I can empathise.

I am sorry to hear that Ludoole! Its a very lonely place isnt it.

He came to bed tonight and he said that I wasnt the problem. So i asked him what we could do to sort this as its literally the only source of our arguements. He said I need to accept the fact that he is the way he is, and that his depression has killed any drive he once had. Even said that if He was in an accident and couldnt walk mountains with me anymore I wouldnt chastise him for that... I just told him he was selfish for not apeaking to his Dr about it and that Its unfair. For someone who loves me so much he ia being bloody stubborn about this. Ive left him in the bedroom and he hasnt followed me downstairs. How are things with you Ludoole donyou mind me asking?

Hi Samedaysameshit - yes he is on Fluoxetine, 40mg a day. He has been on antidepressants for the last 6 years. The fluoxetine is a relatively new drug - he has been on them about 18 months. Sex was a bit more frequent last year but only every couple of months or so when he was on sertraline.

He is being very selfish. He's basically telling you to put up and shut up. I truely believe this sort of attitude from a partner towards sex is why so many affairs happen and it's very common.

I'd give him an ultimatum tbh. This is no way to live no matter how great he may be in other areas.

Sorry to read about this. No easy answers, but you’ve highlighted many positives, eg he still likes to cuddle, you get on well, and it sounds like his depression has improved on sertraline then fluoxetine.
Two thoughts:
Although his reduced libido preceded use of antidepressants it may be worth DH and GP considering switching to an AD which, on average, is less likely to have sexual adverse effects, eg mirtazapine (can be sedating, taken at night) or vortioxetine.
Second, as an interim measure, you and DH could perhaps consider agreeing to no PIV sex for x months while enjoying cuddles in bed. This may improve physical intimacy ...but could be frustrating for you.
Wishing you both all the best with this.

It’s quite sad reading these messages. Regardless of how nice Christmas or the last few weeks have been and regardless of how you feel looked after etc, it’s obvious that your marriage is in real trouble. The one thing that brings you together (intimacy, not necessarily sex but even just kissing etc) is not there. Over time it’s fatal to your relationship.

I’ve never been on anti depressants or anti anxiety treatments but know one or two who have. I think doctors prescribe them fairly easily but I really don’t think pouring chemicals down your neck is the answer. There are other ways to pick yourself up (and it’s easier said than done when you are down) and I’d encourage him to explore those first. You mention that he’s 17.5st. Has he got body confidence issues? Is he having problems getting an erection? Either of those two could be massive show stoppers in his head and maybe not something he wants to share with you. Does he do any exercise? I’d encourage something like going for regular short runs to maybe lose a bit of weight, get some endorphins and boost his mood, all bit by bit.

@Winniepops12 - I think the only way to get through this, is if your husband wanted to change and wanted an active sex life again but I’m not sure that he does, as he’s not willing to discuss with a doctor, so he’s not willing to put things into place in order to get things up and running again (no pun intended! ). A sexless marriage would only work if this was the agreement of you both, which it’s not. If he’s not willing to change you need to ask yourself can you remain in a sexless marriage, or do you need to realise you’re no longer compatible and whether you could maintain your marriage on the basis of what you have without sex. I think in the long run you risk resentment and as I’m sure you know sex is also about more than orgasms etc, it’s the intimacy, closeness, feelings of being wanted etc. There is the option of couples sex counselling (this depends if you have the money to pay for this and maintain the sessions!) but again this will only work if your husband also wants an active sex life again and he’s prepared to follow through.
Good luck!

Thank you all for your replies. I will try and address all your questions.

Yes he is 17.5st but he is muscular, you would never call him fat. He is 6’3 and he is very fit and muscular. I dont think there is any part of him that wobbles - unlike me! He walks mountains and he plays rugby (obv not now during pandemic!) and is in the gym maybe twice a week. He is also confident and knows how to please me. I am a size 12 so not fat but not uber slim either but he has always paid me compliments. My body has changed since having kids - but he has always embraced these changes and says he loves me all the more for them as it has given him our kids.

I have tried explaining to him that intimacy comes from sex and kissing. The only stumbling block I can fathom is that both my pregnancies were extremely high risk and the second one in particular was a risk to my life. I have made no secret of the fact that I want another child but he does not and says that he couldnt handle seeing me so ill again. Sometimes I worry that he doesnt want sex incase I get pregnant as I have come off birth control.

His depression stemmed from my first pregnancy and the risk to me - he couldnt cope. The risk we faced with second one made him even worse as there was a significant risk to my life. We’ve faced an uphill battle since then.

This morning he made me coffee in bed and apologised for being so stubborn last night. He said I was pressurising him and as he has no sex drive at all it would be humiliating for him if he couldnt ‘get it up’ so to speak. I explained that it was me he was with, not someone who would point at him and laugh. That i needed to be close to him just as much as he needs to be close to me with cuddles, holding my hand etc. He just looked at me. I am still hurt and in a temper so i took my coffee and went to sit downstairs. I heard him say he was sorry as i left.

I wont live in a sexless marriage, it is humiliating and hurtful, but I also couldnt imagine a day that I would ever leave him because he is, in my honest opinion, one of the best men walking this earth. There is nothing he wouldnt do for us as a family. I hear my friends complain about their husbands that they dont pull their weight around the house, that they buy them awful gifts, that they swear and shout at them. I have a man who jots down things I like through the year, makes notes of things I say I am going to save up and buy and buys me for me himself. He is not a very good cook so I do all the cooking but he is always there asking what he can do, he runs me baths with candles and wine, he helps my parents whenever they need help and leaves work to go collect my pregnant sister from a shop as she had fallen. Everyone loves him - but I love him more. I live with someone who looks like a filmstar, with the body of a god who is also funny and kind and everything you could ask for - why wouldnt I want to jump his bones? I say this to him all the time, that it is hard keeping my hands off him. He couldnt understand that because I havent touched him in six months in that way - but thats because I cant handle the rejection anymore.

I dont expect that this will resolve itself anytime soon - But I am so grateful for all your comments and support.

So, is it as basic as - he thinks if he has sex with you there is a chance you’ll get pregnant and a) you could be seriously ill again and b) he’ll have another child when maybe he’s decided that he has enough?

If his depression was caused by not being able to cope seeing you ill and it ultimately resulted from you having sex then I can see why he’d be avoiding it like the plague.

Obviously the only way to remove that risk is to make one of you infertile but it sounds like that wouldn’t sit well with you and he doesn’t sound like he’d want the snip.

It’s not just anti-depressants that can impact libido, it can also be the depression that precedes it. Could it be that he had a lowish libido due to depression then a non-exist any one due to the medication?

Situations like this are terribly sad but they eat away at you day after day until the resentment replaces the love. In my experience, a radical intervention is required by you or else you face a lifetime of this and the downward spiral of your marriage.

You need to get to the place in your mind where you are prepared to give AND FOLLOW THROUGH on an ultimatum. That being: tell hi to start experimenting with new drugs until he finds one that works or accept either divorce or you getting your needs met elsewhere.

OP what happens if you try to seduce him so that he becomes aroused?

That is exactly the problem here - he wont let me seduce him or even try. I have done it the past and it always works but he isnt remotely interested now and gently pushes me away. It makes me feel desperate and unattractive.

I dont want him to come across as a bad person because he is entirely selfless with me in all other apects of our life together - he really is the kindest soul. The issue of my dangerous pregnancies is something that I think plays on his mind especially as I am not on birth control but we’ve had to have IVF to conceive our babies as I have significant fertility problems. We also know now what the problem is with my births and pregnancies so I can be closely monitored and consultant led. I would obviously not choose to put my life at risk again and leave my babies without a mother. This is something that can be managed and monitored closely. He has said that he feels sometimes he may have PTSD from seeing me and thinking he was losing me last time. But that was 4 years ago now.

He has spoken to me again since this morning and said that when we are kissing nothing happens to him which it always did before this year. That he knows it isnt normal for him not to be aroused - but then that also leads me on when he kisses me so he would rather not do it.

He is very upset today - he is doing anything and everything he can for me which is infuriating and I am angry because I dont need him to clean the bloody bath (i did it last night) and i dont need him to hoover.. he is trying to do things to show he cares but he isnt doing the one thing I want him to do. He even asked if I needed a new Poinsetta as the one in the lounge has seen better days - I told him I needed sex not a bloody poinsetta.

I understand your point about ultimatums but I would never leave him. A) I wouldnt do it to my kids when they adore their father and b) i love him so much, I am quite sure no other man would treat me and our children as he does. He is everything I could ever wish for - and before my pregnancies sex was very often. Infact, I would turn him down. But since our second child was born it was once a month maybe or once every six weeks and this year it has happened twice, last time was June.

He has said he will get us a bottle of wine and a takeaway tonight and we can chat about this further so I will implore him to aee his Dr. He said himself that the only issue that causes arguements between us is sex but my problem is that I dont believe he realises how big of a problem it is and the impact it has on me. A bottle of wine and a takeaway isnt going to make it all better.

There is something called Parkinson’s Law of Triviality or ‘bike shedding’. This is where an individual or group focuses on discussing/working on trivial issues that are within their circle of competency (such as the design of a bike shed) at the expense of focussing on issues that are more pressing (such as design of the nuclear power station next to the bike bike shed which is the real reason for the group coming together) since these are too complex, too divisive or too difficult. This is why women often claim they are touched out from kids or resent doing more of the housework etc when it comes to not wanting sex. It’s too often BS and the real reasons are far harder to pin down, require painful examination of self and relationships and rarely can be fixed by one partner running the Dyson round the lounge. Marriages often fail for false reasons or stagnate due to bike shedding preventing a real conversation taking place and action being targeted at the real problem.
It all begins with honesty and that’s an easier thing to realise than it is to achieve. That’s why I say a person has to be FORCED to confront the issue because left to their own devices they’ll focus on the easy and the comfortable and not address the complex and the painful.

This sounds incredibly frustrating but I was on florextine several years ago and it killed my sex drive cold dead. The object of my deepest desires could have been in front of me and I'd have felt nothing, it took a while to return when I cam me off them as well.

Antidepressants are a bugger, they can delay or take away totally the ability to orgasm for a man.....dont ask how I know.....speak to your GP again, alone if need be