My husband doesnt want sex

[Winniepops12]

Hi. I am not sure why i am here but i am so upset and so here goes.

I am married to a wonderful man, he is thoughtful and kind and is a great Dad to our children. He is also absolutely beautiful and I fancy the pants off him. But he has depression and says he has absolutely no drive. We’ve had sex twice this year.

We are the best of friends and we’ve had a wonderful Christmas together. But last night I asked him if we were going to have sex anytime soon and he said no. So i went to bed feeling unattractive and unwanted again. I broke my heart through the night.

We woke up this morning and he asked me if I was in a mood with him. I told him he had hurt me and he said that it is tiring seeing me cry over sex again and again when I know he cant and doesnt have any libido.

So tonight I asked him if he masturbates and he said he doesnt. So i asked him when the last time was and he said ‘a few weeks ago’ so I asked him if he had the urge to do it then why it wasnt with me? He just looked at me. So of course I started crying and said ‘so the problem is me’ and he just put his head down. I walked upstairs and now I am completely heartbroken in the bedroom. He hasnt followed me, he is downstairs watching a film.

I dont understand it, we are such good friends and we laugh and we flirt constantly. He pulls his weight with housework, he is a big cuddler and he looks after me. I look after him and I always put his needs before my own. I am not ugly, i have a lot of male attention even though things are starting to go south now that I have breastfed two kids and im in my mid thirties. I have always been labelled as the ‘attractive one’ in my group of friends, I dont believe I am, but the only person I want to find me attractive is my husband. I take care of myself, my make up is always done, my hair styled - not for him but for me - he will tell me I look nice but he doesnt care about making love to me. Or making any effort in that way.

I called his Dr a few weeks ago and the Dr said he would call him. He did - and my husband wouldnt take the call.

What do i do? I am completely heartbroken.

Your husband sounds amazing. I agree he should be assessed for ptsd and needs some therapy over the births. I also think the fact that, although it is unlikely, you could get pregnant if you have sex, and it’s self preservation to not take that risk. That also ties in with the fact he still occasionally masturbates rather than have sex with you.

Maybe he will address the issues around intimacy if you agree between you not to have more children.

Have you said that you are considering looking at other men. That it's not just the sex, it's the feelings and emotions around it. You feel lonely and empty, and you don't want to feel like that anymore

Thank you all for your feedback - its so nice to have your advice and support.

To be honest I wouldnt insult my husband by suggesting I would look for intimacy elsewhere - I know this is distressing for him and I wouldnt want to make anything worse for him.

We have discussed counselling for him to talk about what happened years ago but he doesnt want to speak to a stranger about it. He is open and honest with me - but he finds it notoriously dofficult to be as open and honest with others, even trained professionals. It was me that insisted he be seen by the Dr when it first happened and why he was put on ADs. I did most of the talking then and he just sat there squeezing my hand bless him.

I am frustrated and angry because he is such a lovely man both inside and out, he knows this is hurting me but from reading your comments that I am so grateful for, maybe this really is down to the depression and the drugs and his embarrassment. I have softened by this evening because of all your comments. Maybe i am being a bitch - there isnt anything he wouldnt do for me, so I know his refusal about sex is something so much more than my feelings. He would never intentionally hurt me.

We are waiting for that bloody takeaway now - I will tell him he must see the Dr again and that I will go with him (if thats even possible in a Tier 4 area at the moment 🙈). We shall see how he reacts to that..

Thank you again for such support - means a lot and has served as a welcome distraction today.

@Winniepops12 I’m really sorry that you and OH are in this situation. I can fully understand why you feel like you do and that it must feel like your OH is rejecting you. What I would say about depression is that the partner very often feels the brunt of it (as you are doing) but it’s an illness that is very inward looking for the person that suffers with it. I think depression can sometimes make people see things a bit irrationally and it can be difficult to change some fixed views at times. I wonder if this is happening with the sex thing as OH feels there is a risk of you getting pregnant and he would not be able to cope with this again due to the risks to your health. It might seem totally logical to him to avoid sex so that he avoids that risk. Could you ask him if this is the case? If so, would he feel he had some control over the situation if he used condoms or if you used some form of contraceptive? Take the pregnancy risk away and see how he responds.
I do think it would be difficult for him to talk to his GP about this, as lots of people find it a tricky topic. The GP would be fine with it but sometimes people find it difficult to talk about depression to the Dr, never mind loss of libido. I’m not saying this is ok OP, I’m just trying to think how your OH might be viewing things.
In terms of his depression, he sounds like he is doing well in that he is motivated with his work, hobbies and jobs around the home. If this is the case, do you know if there is a plan for him to reduce or come off his medication at all? 40mg of Fluoxetine is a normal daily dose but some people manage on 20mg too. Would that be worth a conversation to see if his GP thought a lower dose would be suitable and would it have less side effects?
From your posts on here OP, it’s clear that you love him dearly. You’ve said he doesn’t like it if you cry when discussing this situation. Could you instead write some of this down - as you have here, saying all the wonderful things that you love about him and what you are grateful for in the relationship? Sometimes it helps to see a more balanced picture, whereas OH may feel that there is lots going wrong in the relationship due to the sex side of things. The irrational thinking that comes with depression sometimes only sees the things that are wrong, rather than the bits that are strong. Writing it down for him might help.
I really hope you do manage to find a way with this OP. Good luck.

@Whatliesbeneath707 thank you for your kind and gentle words. I do love him dearly.

He was on 20mg of fluoxetine but that was increased to 40mg around 6 months ago, around the same time we last had sex. He has been on Citalopram, Sertraline and Fluoxetine and none of them have been a miracle cure but of course not expecting them to be. I would not want him off them to the detriment of his health though - not just so I can have sex.

We had our takeaway tonight and he has agreed to call the Dr tomorrow. Hopefulky they are open and we can strike whilst the iron is hot. I also said i had sought advice on the internet and the issue of seducing him was mentioned. I asked if i could try. He said not now, but i said I am frustrated now. He said he was trying by calling the GP tomorrow. He’s now gone to facetime a friend in the US as he promised he would. So i think that conversation has ended.

I am just going to go to bed and hopefully he makes good on his promise tomorrow. I honestly feel so tired - but I am so very grateful for everyone’s support, kid words and guidance.

@Whatliesbeneath707 and to address your suggestion of a letter, unfortauntely I have done this before. He doesnt seen to absorb the positive, just the negatives. He told me its like he is climbing a mountain and that it takes effort to get to the top and then we havea rough patch because of sex or lack thereof, and its as if he falls of a cliff and feels helpless to stop falling deeper into a downward spiral. To me its as if he is saying dont mention sex otherwise you will put me in a bad place, but he says thats not what he means by that. God only knows how is head works all i know is that it is a mess and he needs my support rather than judgement - unfortunately i just cant help but snap at him sometimes, cry and lose my temper. It doesnt help that I can hear him laughing with his friend on facetime now and I am here frustrated and angry.

Hopefully this phonecall to the GP tomorrow will help sort things for us. Time will tell i guess and I will just have to continue to be as patient as i can be.

Thank you for all your support!

This is just a suggestion, and your husband may not accept it, but how about asking him to use a toy, such as a rabbit or whatever.

To take the pressure off him to perform, but to give you pleasure and sexual release? Would that help? There can still be cuddling and closeness for you both.

Just a thought op

Would he have the snip? Then he's in control of birth control so to speak
Is he gay?
He can't stay on the tablets, he needs to see a counsellor

Why do you want another child when you've had 2 high risk pregnancies? I don't blame him tbh...he's probably scared of losing you and he'll be alone with the kids. He'd feel so guilty if anything happened to you. Is another baby really worth the risk? To you...your children. Talk less of his depression.

I'm not so sure he's really being selfish...I'd feel the same in his position...especially as you've come of birth control.

He really isn't the selfish one here...IMO.

I have to say that calling the doctor because he doesn't want sex is not right...I'd find that controlling and I'm not surprised he refused to speak to the doctor.

Your behaviour is only going to put him off and place enormous pressure on him.

This thread is a great example of why anti-depressants are a disaster for many people. Doctors prescribe them far too easily as offering counselling or other alternative solutions is a much longer, more complicated process. Does he really still need to take them as it seems like your mood and maybe then his would improve immensely if he ended his reliance on AD medication?
Obviously if he stops taking the meds & is still not interested in having sex with his wife, they may be other underlying reasons for his low sex drive and interest.

This is just a suggestion, and your husband may not accept it, but how about asking him to use a toy, such as a rabbit or whatever.

Genuine question but what if you had lost your libido and your husband came to you asking you to use sex toys on him because you didn’t want to have sex? I don’t think I’d be very impressed.

I'm with Sandy ^^ here .

Your husband sounds like one in a million .His depression and lack of willingness to engage in sex seems to stem from your high risk pregnancies .

You have 2 children ,why put your husband through this because you'd like a third ? It doesn't make sense to me ,you clearly love him ,you have it within your gift to ease his pain and yet you're not .

@BubblyBarbara
Did you not read the whole post? Did you just ignore the second paragraph because it did not fit in with your narrative?

Thank you all for your feedback. I suppose I could very well be labelled as slefish for wanting another child, but after 5 miscarriages my desperation for another one is not something I can shake. My high risk pregnancies were first put down to it being a forst pregnancy and the second one highlighted there was an issue - one that they can now monitor and can manage easily as they know what they are dealing with. As i have said previously, I would never take a risk that would leave my children without a mother. This is manageable. The PTSD if I can call it is that I almost lost my life during the last birth having had significant blood loss at birth due to a ruptured placenta.

My husband’s mantra is that he is happy with two children but he would never regret a third. This wouldnt even be a conversation if my husband was vehemently against a third. But i do know there is significant traume to be addressed on his part.

My husband did call the Dr and we are still waiting for him to call back. I stayed out of it, and he did it without me having to remind him.

After his phonecall with his friend the other night he came downstairs and to be astonishment we were intimate though we did not have sex. I got very upset, he got very upset and we had a really long chat.

Reading your comments and trying to absorb it all I may have to reflect on my own behaviour - though I am anything but controlling. I believe myself to be supportive and loving, and I would never eant to hurt him. My wanting to be close to him is because I love him so much. And when someone suggested I have an affair or threaten one I dismissed it out of hand as I would never do that to him. He is amazing - and my wanting to be close to him is because I know exactly what I have.

I am very thankful and grateful though for your honest feedback and support.

Did you not read the whole post? Did you just ignore the second paragraph because it did not fit in with your narrative?

I didn't think it made it sound any better. But okay, I'll rephrase my question, using your second paragraph just in case.

What if you had lost your libido and your husband came to you asking you to use sex toys on him to give him a sexual release and to take the pressure off you having sex with him? I still don't think I'd be impressed, to be honest.

Your husband does sound like a dream!! I wouldnt consider leaving like PP said. It's long and hard but I think hes worth pushing through this difficult moment. I am in a similar situation but it's me being the one who has lost all drive. After having my second daughter, I'm on the mini pill because I am terrified of falling pregnant again. I am on the list for the coil but I have to push through on the pill. It's made me anxious, irritable and completely killed any sex drive. I need to way up what's more important right now. My OH is also amazing, I'm in bed right now snuggling our baby while he got up with you 4 year old and is entertaining her. Everyone always comments on how good looking he is. Hes shy at first but hes so hilarious once you get to know him and everyone loves him. Hes looked after me so well, through all my anxiety driven panic attacks hes been so calm. I must drive him insane, I'm constantly apologising for being an anxious nightmare and he always just hugs me and says it's ok. I think it's harder for men to talk about these things to a doctor. He obviously feels bad, but there is definitely a deeper mental problem here he needs to address and it will just get worse! I had therapy over the summer and it was amazing. I feel doctors are quick to offer meds instead of having therapy. Again It can be harder for men to talk about these things. It seems he needs to address what's causing his depression. It seems to be about you being pregnant, it must of been hard for such a caring man. I really recommend CBT OP.