Staying sexually faithful to one person is hard

[GoldfishParade]

Feel so guilty writing this, I love my DP. But I have really been fantasising about just meeting a guy in a bar and rolling with it. I have never cheated on anyone before. But I still sometimes get the urge. I guess there is role play etc which I will think about broching with him, but ultimately it's about the unexpected, the foreignness of someone else's body and the way they do things I guess that appeals, and the sense of unknown. I'm not you can really replace that no matter how good your sex life is with your long term partner?

Does anybody else feel like this? I'm guessing its relatively common?

Yes I have and I think it’s normal to fantasise.

Nature doesn't give a damn about monogamy or polygamy, so to say either is what humans are wired for is jumping the gun. IMO, its a bit of both. We're wired to both be tempted by new partners - as that spreads genetic diversity - but also wired to get jealous of our partner(s) straying - as that protects our own offspring. The fact that the two are incompatible is just tough. Nature doesn't give a damn. As the saying goes "what's right, survives". Convenience to humans doesn't come into it.

So, IMO, if we don't want our love life to constantly resemble a Soap Opera (which, as I said, would be a-ok with Mother Nature) then we have to make a choice to conciously suppress one or the other of the urges:

Suppress the desire to stray and be monogamous.
Or
Suppress the desire to get jealous and be polygamous.

Unless your a rare minority, who's genes have just fallen that way, expecting one or the other to be "natural" and a cultural condition you can slough off, so you can cruise on in life without any emotional effort is just (IMO) wishful thinking.

Are you related to Boris Johnson or Ryan Giggs, OP?

Well, this thread makes me feel weird. I don't want sex with anyone other than the person I'm in a relationship with because I just don't find anyone else attractive.

Fair enough @borntohula. No one is saying you HAVE to feel like this. I find my partner really attractive but find other men attractive too. Not loads, just the occasional few.

Speaking from a personal viewpoint. Some people are naturally monogamous, some are not.

My husband and I have been together for 25 years. We have had an open marriage for about half of that. We are strong together but also free to have sex outside our marriage.

It works for us. But we don't advertise it to our friends and family. It's private to us.

@OhTheTastyNuts

Fair enough *@borntohula*. No one is saying you HAVE to feel like this. I find my partner really attractive but find other men attractive too. Not loads, just the occasional few.

I find other men nice looking occasionally, same as I do women. I just don't 'fancy' them iyswim.

I'm married but I fantasise about having sex with other men. I have wanted to for a long time honestly. Haven't told DH or discussed it with anyone else. I wouldn't do anything with another man unless DH gave me the green light. I just try my best to suppress the feelings I have. It's hard though.

I have fantasised about sex with a lot of female friends and work colleagues. I expect that makes me no different to most of the population (I also do wonder who I know is genuinely non-monogamous, because there must be someone). I used to feel bad about them, now I don't.

I don't act on those fantasies, and I have no reason to believe they affect my day-to-day relationships. I think that's what makes a person monogamous, not what goes on in one's head, and I don't think that 'authenticity' requires acting on all the desires that cross one's mind.

I fantasise about sex with certain celebs, but defo not gonna happen so I don’t feel bad about it...

Serial monogamy is i think what we are in nature. But the length of relationships probably no more than five years - and not a lifetime. Just about everyone understands the appeal of what you describe OP.

honestly, i've started to view people's orientation towards monogamy/polyamory as something of a spectrum. monogamy is definitely going to suit some people, others want something open, but no love or emotions involved outside of the primary relationship, while at the far other end is polyamory and multiple loving relationships.

I do think that we are not very good at talking about this as a society, though. monogamy is seen as both the natural and social default, and I really don't think that's the case - but in doing that, it becomes very difficult to question. indeed, some people don't ever question their decision to have a monogamous relationship. and then, when they get completely infatuated with someone else, they don't know how to talk about it - or have permission to talk about it - and think that if they have these feelings, it must be because they don't love their current partner.

i made a choice to be poly, and it's not always easy, but no relationships are 100% of the time. i enjoy the freedom it gives me to act on my feelings...but it definitely isn't something that everyone wants to do. which is also fine...

Nope ! I couldn't do that and actually think the thought of someone else touching me is Cringe worthy

I physically couldn't do it although I was infatuated with someone other than dh at one time. Absolutely did not want to sleep with him though.

I can’t stay faithful to anyone!

Genuinely never even think of anyone else.

wishfuldreamer,

I reckon we're very good as a society at talking about this. Leastways, we're very good as a society at talking about these things a lot, which perhaps isn't quite the same thing.

What you seem to be saying is that humans are prevented from being their authentic selves by some rules. Without them, I suppose, we'd all be wildly polyamorous.

The difficulty with what you say is that having rules is authentically human. They help us get along. I'm sure that even you have some. What makes me monogamous isn't that I have no desire for other people, but that I choose not to act on them because It don't want to ruin my life or the lives of the rest of my family.

I felt like this before meeting 2nd dh, I married young, we weren't a great fit sexually and I was always getting my head turned, daydreaming about other men etc I never went beyond a bit of flirting as I'm not the type to have an affair but I was certainly tempted!
When I met dh it was like he rewired me, I did the same to him, we have a huge connection sexually and I honestly don't crave or think about anyone else now and very rarely even notice other men. We've been together for 11 years and I hope it lasts!

Monogamy is dull - no matter how good something is, we wouldn't be human to not want to try different things.

It's why I don't go to the same place on holiday every year. Or why I have changed my car more than once in my lifetime.

@ReadyforTakeOff

Monogamy is dull - no matter how good something is, we wouldn't be human to not want to try different things.

It's why I don't go to the same place on holiday every year. Or why I have changed my car more than once in my lifetime.

They are very weird/poor comparisons! After 11 years I still find dh exciting in bed and have absolutely zero interest in being touched by anyone else. Prior to him I felt differently but now see how monogamy is far far from dull with the right person.

I am very pleased for you if that works in your relationship - personally it wouldn't work for me but if your DH thinks the same then that's great. We are all different which is what is important - there is no right and wrong.

Another comparison - I love chocolate but eating it for breakfast, lunch and dinner gets sickly. Even the odd bit of broccoli to break things up would help...;)