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Original poster

Thinking too much about sex

41 replies

LoudAndBold · 08/12/2020 23:55

I am a bit concerned to be frank. I have been single for couple of years, with one short FWB episode in that time.
When I am sexually actively or interested in someone, I literally can not stop thinking about sex. I can’t concentrate on work, my mind just ends up going back to sex.

Over the last month I started to see someone new hoping for a casual set up. There is attraction, we kissed cuddled and we wanted to progress further. But he went away for couple of weeks now and it is literally physically painful to think about sex and intimacy and not being able to have it..
I bump into other random men daily and find myself fantasising about them too - in recent weeks

I am not sure if it is just a lust phase or do I actually have a problem and need to talk to someone about it??

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 09/12/2020 05:54

It really sounds to me that you are overthinking this. Little or no sex at the moment and you have needs.

It sounds to me very much like someone who is excited about a long overdue holiday coming up.

Relax and enjoy.

AverageGuy · 09/12/2020 08:18

@LoudAndBold - you are not alone! The lockdown and associated social distancing rules have affected some much more than others.

I'm not trying to draw parallels with people that haven't been able to see loved ones, (virtual hugs for you all!) but being single in this pandemic has not been fun.

I also looking for a casual set-up, but it's very difficult (manly because I'm a man, and nearly 60! Smile), as people are (quite rightly) loath to risk catching Covid.

Roll on the vaccine!

In the meantime, investigate sites like Lovehoney... Smile It's not the same but at least you have much more choice than a man has. (Fleshlight? No thanks - yuck!)

Hopefully, your man will be back soon, and you can enjoy ravishing each other. (He said, not at enviously Grin)

Original poster
LoudAndBold · 09/12/2020 09:53

@StarlightLady thank you for reassuring me

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 09/12/2020 10:54

@LoudAndBold - Good! In society there is still a lot of taboo about women having a healthy interest and desire for sex. This helps to create the misapprehension that sex is something a woman gives to a man. Our language doesn’t help, references to “lost” virginity etc. It’s all a shower of negatives!

So, I repeat, relax and enjoy.

lonelySam · 09/12/2020 11:33

Hi OP, I am the same - so not to worry :)

lonelySam · 09/12/2020 11:33

Hi OP, I am the same - so not to worry :)

Complex1950 · 09/12/2020 12:04

Imagine being with someone who you adore and are attracted too and having to share a bed with them every night and watch they undress etc and come out the shower half naked only to know that they love you but don’t want to have sex or be intimate in that way. I haven’t had sex with my partner for ages now and it’s all I can think about it’s like dangling a carrot in front of me all the time as it’s there but I can’t have it so yes in answer to your question I think if your deprived of something you sometimes obsess about it

Complex1950 · 09/12/2020 12:07

And just to add I have tried to bring the subject up with him but I just get told that it’s not a priority for him and I’m obsessed with sex lol then that leads to at argument so I just stay quiet and keep my head down (secretly obsessing over any man that crosses my path now lol it will remain a fantasy tho as I would never actually stray or hurt him)

nonflirtinghusband · 09/12/2020 12:40

I have the same problem! I think it's lockdown related plus I have a much higher sex-drive than my DH and he is not very affectionate.

I have to sort myself out daily otherwise I'd never get any work done...

Original poster
LoudAndBold · 09/12/2020 14:19

I can even tell you how nice is to hear I am not on my own!

@StarlightLady my upbringing was terrible in that sense - I am certainly turning a corner in my 40s exploring my needs more and not being ashamed of talking about it. I wish society attitudes towards sex were more gender balanced!

OP posts:
noego · 10/12/2020 08:40

IME women are supressed sexually due to the way society views women in general. If they have high libidos they are subconsciously worried about how they are viewed. They have a fear of judgement or even hold some form of guilt.
I wouldn't worry about it OP. In my view it is perfectly normal to discover ones sexuality and all the fun it brings.

Original poster
LoudAndBold · 10/12/2020 13:27

That is so true @noego - hence posting here and not talking in RL about it, to anyone! Smile

OP posts:
wizzywig · 10/12/2020 17:18

Same op, I'm still concerned about being viewed as slaggy because I really like sex. I think about it a lot too

jessstan1 · 10/12/2020 17:21

I feel for you. I had phases of that in the past, they come and go.

Thinking about it is often better than actually doing it :-).

itsoffical · 10/12/2020 22:31

I think about sex loads if I can't see my (new) bf for a few days.
I actually ache for him.
I was unhappily married for years, virtually no sex life - wasn't bothered Grin

DivorcedAndDelighted · 10/12/2020 22:37

Sounds like you need to get yourself another friend if the one you have designs on doesn't work out, or check out Tinder. Some people need or want sex more than others - we're all different and if this is very important to you, it's worth making changes to make that happen in your life. You're a long time dead (or married) and this is not a dress rehearsal. We're talking about sex here, not a lifelong commitment, so maybe you just need to go for it. Maybe go on the dating apps and keep your profile light -" not looking for anything serious" - and see what happens? I was feeling the same way a couple of months ago. Summoned up courage, risked embarrassment and hinted heavily to a friend, and very glad I did ("I need sex but I don't want a boyfriend.. How can a woman get that sort of arrangement?"). That turned out to be fun, such a joyous addition to my life, but not the answer to everything. I'm not sure how long FWB thing will go on for, but dating in middle age seems to me to be a lot more fun than in your youth, albeit a bit Wild West with few rules.
Unlike @wizzywig, I'm not worried about being judged for this because a) I don't give a toss, it's my life and this is too much fun to miss, and b) who's going to lie anyway, apart from a select few people you proposition or who are, themselves, on the dating apps?

AverageGuy · 10/12/2020 22:37

I'm very pleased to say that I've had something of an epiphany when it comes to sex.

I've realised, probably much too late in life, that women are just as sexual, if not more so, than, men.

I love a woman that owns her sexuality.

You aren't "bad" or "different" or "slutty" or any other adjective for thinking about sex - you are normal, and its about time society recognised it.

More power to you all for being brave enough to admit it!

DivorcedAndDelighted · 10/12/2020 22:38

*who's going to KNOW anyway?

BubblyBarbara · 11/12/2020 01:55

Little or no sex at the moment and you have needs.

Sex is a want, not a need.

StarlightLady · 11/12/2020 06:22

I think we are going down the psychology route in discussing whether sex is a need or a want. So l can only speak personally. I need sex to be a happy, healthy woman. From my own point of view it is a need. Wanting something is a wish that is often associated with something desired but not happening. It’s like scratching an itch.

In addition the clitoris has often been overlooked in sex discussion and education. I’m sure this would not been the case, had it been “male owned”.

Someone on this thread has commented about concerns of feeling “slaggy”. On MN before someone has said of me “we had names for girls like you when l was at school”. Women throughout history have often been taught that sex was wrong, associated with not being a “nice girl”, potential for name calling, not to mention the risk of unwanted pregnancy. In addition to the name calling there is other negative language such as “lost” virginity. I’m not sure exactly what is “lost” but it does not sound a positive term for becoming sexually active.

wizzywig · 13/12/2020 11:17

I'd say the thought of being a 'loose woman' for needing and wanting sex comes from my Asian Muslim upbringing

FifteenToes · 15/12/2020 21:52

This is what it's like being a bloke. But all the time, whether you're in a relationship or not. From the age of about 14 onwards.

Blokenamechangesexboard · 16/12/2020 20:37

In addition the clitoris has often been overlooked in sex discussion and education. I’m sure this would not been the case, had it been “male owned”.

Particular ethnic groups and religions aside, I reckon this hasn't been true in the UK for about 20 years. I've been sexually active since the mid 90s and everyone seemed to know about it then.

SadSeal · 16/12/2020 22:08

Particular ethnic groups and religions aside, I reckon this hasn't been true in the UK for about 20 years. I've been sexually active since the mid 90s and everyone seemed to know about it then.

I disagree. Almost every man i have slept with has paid no attention to my clit whatsoever. And when questioned on the matter, they had no idea it was the primary female sexual organ. I even had one partner tell me I was wrong, and that the most sensitive spot for a female is deep inside where only a penis can reach.

Blokenamechangesexboard · 16/12/2020 23:06

And yet you knew about it.

As did the men you mention, who didn't know quite what to do with it - not surprising as they don't have one of their own. I had girlfriends who didn't know what to do with my cock - unsurprising for precisely the same reason.

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