Thinking too much about sex

[LoudAndBold]

I am a bit concerned to be frank. I have been single for couple of years, with one short FWB episode in that time.
When I am sexually actively or interested in someone, I literally can not stop thinking about sex. I can’t concentrate on work, my mind just ends up going back to sex.

Over the last month I started to see someone new hoping for a casual set up. There is attraction, we kissed cuddled and we wanted to progress further. But he went away for couple of weeks now and it is literally physically painful to think about sex and intimacy and not being able to have it..
I bump into other random men daily and find myself fantasising about them too - in recent weeks

I am not sure if it is just a lust phase or do I actually have a problem and need to talk to someone about it??

@Sadseal, that was nice for someone to manaplain about your clitoris otherwise you would never have known!!!!!!!

For those who deny that there could be a problem from the outset here, look at the number of so called educational anatomy books where the clitoris is not even labelled. The word doesn’t even exist in some spellcheckers.

I, for one, will freely admit that I didn't really know until after my divorce.

I had very little in the way of sexual education at school (an all boys school. All that happened was lots of noise from the boys, trying to show off.. I didn't really learn anything)

After that, I kind of made it up as I went along. Nobody took the time to show me, or tell me what they wanted, or what I "should" be doing - I never really got any feedback from my partners (including my XW) about how /what I was doing, so just assumed everything was fine and dandy.

After a particularly bad episode, I took it upon myself to try and get educated about the female body. I struggled. Yes there are lots of diagrams and pictures available, but they aren't much help when it's dark, and you are fumbling around. Also, asking someone if it's ok to compare their "bits" to a picture on your phone tends to be a bit of a passion killer.

After my divorce, I was extraordinarily fortunate to have an open and honest relationship with a woman, that I could admit all this to, and who was willing to take the time to help me discover her body.

It made our sexual relationship fantastic.

Ladies, don't assume your man knows what he is doing, or where everything is. He may not. Don't be afraid to guide or even show him. You may both be grateful for it!

Guys, don't be afraid to own up that you don't know or understand something. It doesn't make you any less of a man.

@AverageGuy can I ask what the bad episode was? Did someone have a go at you for not doing it right?

@SparklyGlitter95 - let's just say it completely destroyed my ego, and made me re-evaluate things. I actually don't regret it!

Similar experience ot AverageGuy here. It really is scandalous how much our (mis)understanding of sex is shaped by patriarchal assumptions about PIV and male orgasm as "the point". Female orgasm and satisfaction generally is then assumed to be simply the woman's version of the same thing, which it of course isn't. Both education and popular culture seem to frame everything around this, with the most important attribute for a male lover being "stamina". Cos if his partner isn't cumming, he obviously just isn't ploughing away with his dick inside her, completely missing the point, for long enough!

But looking back, what is more remarkable than my own slow trial-and-error based sexual education is how little most of my partners seemed to know about their own sexual reactions, and how unable they themselves were to realise that what we were doing wasn't getting anywhere, and explain what to do instead.

it doesn't help that women vary so enormously, from completely non-orgasmic to those that are pretty much like men and will cum from 2 minutes of PIV, to everything in between. That imposes a limit on how transferable any knowledge acquired along the way might be.

It is not mansplaining to draw attention to a person's own words.

Aside from that, I was enough of a perve to sneak a read of my sister's Cosmopolitan magazines and, as a university student, read Company and whatever other magazines my female flatmates were happy to lend me (Company etc). They mentioned the clitoris often enough and what to do with it, and I remember them making the same complaints now. Plus the enormous variety of sex toys designed for women were (just) starting to become normalised by then. They weren't anywhere near as good as now but they were already better than any male equivalent, ie, something inflatable that only Del Boy would sell.

The fact that this was being published in magazines with a pretty wide circulation means that what I say is more than anecdotal.

The sex ed I had at school (in the 80s) was focused on reproduction so there wasn't really any emphasis on sex techniques. That was just as true for male anatomy as female although I accept that PIV sex favours men.

What is anecdotal is that my girlfriends knew exactly what they had and what they wanted me to do with it. But I never got the impression that was uncommon.

So, what was being discussed and what was being done well over 20 years ago doesn't support the narritive that the clitoris "gets overlooked", a narrative that often gets supported by remarks by certain men, remarks made from a misplaced sense of chivalry.

Why is everyone obsessed with the clit? The female sexual physiology is more than just the clit. In fact the clit is just the tip of the iceberg (as it where)

@Blokenamechangesexboard

In addition the clitoris has often been overlooked in sex discussion and education. I’m sure this would not been the case, had it been “male owned”.

Particular ethnic groups and religions aside, I reckon this hasn't been true in the UK for about 20 years. I've been sexually active since the mid 90s and everyone seemed to know about it then.

Yep, I've been sexually active since the late 1980s and every sexual partner bar one ( out of 10+) has been very clit - focused, and also very keen to make sure I was enjoying myself. In my secondary school there was a copy of "The Joy of Sex" which got passed around - surely everyone read that in the 1970s and 1980s!

@BubblyBarbara

Little or no sex at the moment and you have needs.

Sex is a want, not a need.

For you, maybe.

For some of us it is a real need. Just below oxygen and water.

For some of us it is a real need. Just below oxygen and water.

Sounds like the sort of nonsense men come out with when they're on here complaining about why their wives won't have sex with them.

It's a need for me too. Would go cuckoo without!

Sex is a need for me too. I simply Cannot be a happy woman without a healthy sex life.
@BubblyBarbara your nickname should really be changed.

@DivorcedAndDelighted - perhaps time for the Joy of Sex to be reprinted in similar small paperback form so it can be passed around at school again....! I house sat for some friends while at university who had a copy on their shelf - I am thankful for the education that read gave me.
The modern version is of course porn, which seems to portray a very odd version of sex to me, and certainly doesn't give the insight Joy of Sex did.

I agree @outdooryone, having sex with someone who seems to have gotten all of their info from porn is not joyful in the slightest

Unfortunately, porn is just too available now. It's pretty much mainstream, and there is some nasty stuff around. It's no wonder that some women are being sexually abused by their partners - if it's ok on a porn video, it must be ok in real life, right?

In my youth, all I had was the "top shelf" magazines, and the (very) occasional really badly filmed porn flick.

I'm (sort of) glad that I grew up without the access to porn that todays youth has, and to be honest, it doesn't do a lot for me - it's all too fake. I prefer real sex videos, as on MLNP, (other sites are available!) and erotic fiction, if I can't get the real thing.

It's quite nice to see that it's not just us men that can be consumed by a need for sex..

Such a shame CV19 is putting paid to dating at the moment! did I say I was single?

@AverageGuy sometimes I wish I had a low sex drive so I could actually concentrate and get stuff done for once