Struggling with porn use

[debbs77]

I discovered last night that my partner has been masturbating again to porn. We had a huge issue previously as I discovered he was doing it, and while I totally understand he has the right to do whatever he wants with his own body, the content of the videos disturbed me.

I found out that he is doing it again (likely never stopped) and I feel so hurt. He can only be doing it once I'm asleep. We had a baby a few weeks back and are both often tired, but I thought we had a good sex life.

He never accepts my advances and I changed how I am with him due to this. He knows this.

I feel hurt

I have the same problem with my DH. Used to have a great sex life now its down to 1 session a month. It sucks and tbh im close to just ending it over it.

Porn addiction, seems to be of epidemic proportions and not just with young men anymore either. Seems a real women can't compete which seems utterly bizarre if you actually think about it
I think counselling for him is the only way to go, and cold turkey. If he can't commit to both it will only get worse. I would absolutely end it if he doesn't and I don't say that likely. It is just so so grim. Porn addled men who can only get it up for a screen and their left hand

We do still have sex, two or three times a week. But even so. I feel like crap about it

I think part of my issue is the sneaking around. It's very secretive.

I think you need to have it out with him. Just approach it and see what he says. Being secretive kills trust in a relationship, its very hard to get that back and takes alot of hard work.

Keep an open mind here......
Have you considered watching the porn with him? I know that it’s probably the last thing you would think of, but I heard someone chatting about this in a podcast recently and actually, it might help. Maybe consider asking him about what he watches (is it a fantasy that he hasn’t told you about?) Could you look at something together that interests you both? Just a thought.

I've suggested it before. I'm very open sexually and willing to try most things, which he knows about but doesn't want to explore.

I've also suggested using toys together etc, but he hated the idea, saying it made him feel inferior......yet has no problem making ME feel this way, knowing how I feel. We had a huge chat about it 6 months ago and I explained how it made me feel.

I just check the tablet history (it is linked to his phone!). We had sex last night.

He watched porn ten minutes before coming up to bed, while I was feeding the baby. Obviously needed to get a head start on things didn't he.

I'm so disappointed.

And I'm hurt. Hurt that while I'm sleeping due to night feeds, or feeding the baby, he is doing this.

I totally understand masturbating. It is the porn use that bothers me

Come home, and at it again in the toilet while I'm making dinner

@debbs77 I’m sorry this is the case. It must be really difficult.

It really is. I'm hating it.

I'm watching and waiting and biding my time to see how this goes. I will be having it out with him but in a clear headed way rather than being hot headed x

He did it again. Gave me the baby to feed (breastfed baby), dinner was cooking and he went to get changed. Checked the tablet. Boom, at it again.

Unfortunately I cannot keep my emotions from showing so it's all out in the open

@debbs77 I hope you feel better for getting it out in the open. With things like this, communication is often the only way.

We have had a huge talk about it. Not sure where we go from here.

But to the guy that messaged me to suggest that I dress up in clothes like a pornstar and let him f* me like a pornstar....erm. thanks

@debbs77

We have had a huge talk about it. Not sure where we go from here.

But to the guy that messaged me to suggest that I dress up in clothes like a pornstar and let him f* me like a pornstar....erm. thanks

I'm not perfect but jeeze that is a grim thing to say to anyone asking for advice.

Isn't it just. And he also suggested that I could contact him for further advice if needed.

Yuk!! Really sounds like he is an addict, his behaviour certainly reflects that , the compulsion to do it. I think you need a serious talk with him

I agree. He said he doesn't do it often, but gets bouts of doing it for a week or two then gets bored again.

The trust has gone. We will see where we go from here. We have a lot to lose so I will see how it goes over the next few weeks.

I'm pleased to have this forum to vent......no one to speak to in real life

@debbs77
Unfortunately there are a lot of men who come just to the sex page to perve over women talking about sex.

I once saw a post from a woman who said she was about 27 saying she was struggling to find a fwb. Along came a man saying try this place or that oh and he was in his late 50s and was available! I’m mean what is a man that age doing on mumsnet sex forum other than to perve.

Sorry, I digressed from you OP. I’m glad you talked to him. Hopefully you can find a way forward.

That older gentleman is as predictable as the sun rising in the morning.

Whether there are a lot of perv

Whether there are a lot of pervy men here? It doesn’t seem that way.

There do seem to be a lot of people on the Relationship pages getting their own perverted kicks offering inflammatory and damaging life choice “advice”.

I can relate to OP’s issue - i think its a difficult cycle for men to get out of. Did anything get resolved OP?

I’m sorry you’re going through this Debbs - I went through similar with my exH so can totally relate to how you must be feeling.

Ultimately for me it led to the breakdown of my marriage. There were also other issues including alcohol misuse and emotional abuse. He just didn’t care about the impact of his porn use on me and how it would make me feel. Totally rejected. His sexual needs came first and mine were unimportant. My self-esteem was on the floor and I don’t think it’ll ever fully recover, especially now as I’m getting older etc.

Since our marriage broke down, I have had two healthy and sexually fulfilling relationships so I do know now that the problem wasn’t me, it was him.

For him to be carrying on like this when you have a brand new baby is disgraceful. This is nothing to do with you and all about him.

Well it all hit the fan again this week when j discovered he was at it again. I just don't know what to do
For some people it wouldn't be an issue, but for me it is. The same as secret smoking, drinking or gambling would be. Plus the entire disregard for my feelings.

I had just started to trust him again and now it is gone.

Well it all hit the fan again this week when j discovered he was at it again. I just don't know what to do
For some people it wouldn't be an issue, but for me it is. The same as secret smoking, drinking or gambling would be. Plus the entire disregard for my feelings.

I had just started to trust him again and now it is gone.