Fed up with sex life

[SparklyGlitter95]

Just a rant really. Been with partner 6 years, we get on well and he's great in all other aspects. The only problem is our sex life. I think we are maybe just uncompatible in that department! Sex is only ever PIV, he won't do oral as he doesn't like it, won't use his hands on me, toys are out of the question as he doesn't like the thought of them either. He still asks me to give oral to him though, but he says 'if you aren't gagging you are doing it wrong'. So i don't really enjoy giving them. Sex is always so rough and I'm never really turned on enough as there no foreplay so it can be painful- he won't use lube either, yet another thing he doesn't like. I've actually wondered if he's gay as he shows no interest in my body, it's very much all about him and his pleasure every single time. I dont think he could pick my vagina out of a line up, he's honestly never touched or looked at it! I've never had an orgasm with him, but I can get myself there in under 5 minutes and had no problem getting there with previous partners. I've talked to him about it plenty of times, but he thinks I'm the problem- apparently his ex loved sex with him and always had multiples. Also i know he watches alot of porn. Is this worth splitting up over do you think? I really miss good passionate sex with mutual foreplay etc, but we get on so well in all other regards so it seems a shame to split up over this. Also We have 2 DC together. Thoughts please

@SparklyGlitter95 - Get Out NOW!!

This "man" has no respect for you, your pleasure, your body or your feelings - He has obviously got his idea of sex from porn.

I'd go as far as to say that he is sexually abusing you, and I think you will be wasting your time trying to change him. I suspect he will end up very alone...

You are still young, and your DC are also young - they will bounce back. As a PP has said, there are good guys out there (and a lot of bad ones, so take care), guys that will listen, do things you enjoy, and not force or even ask you to do things that you don't (and are downright abusive!!)

I think as you are so young ,this is dreadful for you TBH. Realistically you could face 25 years or more of a sadly lacking sex life! Will he speak to a Sex Counsellor or marriage guidance with you ? He seems selfish and very inexperienced to me .Most of what you want is the same as most women . Its not unusual at all!

The only problem with seeing a Councillor / therapist is that we don't really have the spare money right now

@SparklyGlitter95

I think if you want to try and make it work then you have to sit him down and really make him realise that it is him that is out of the norm. It might hurt but he might thank you for it rather than splitting up. Make clear it is a deal breaker.

Maybe watching some porn more designed for couples/women might help (sorry can't recommend but sure someone can) and go slowly both trying different things..

My DH spends ages on foreplay and really loves doing and taking time...he says he gets as much out of it as me. Often I'm on the edge when he penetrates me which makes me want a second go!

It does take time to learn. If he purely doesn't want to then there is no hope

@SparklyGlitter95

He has said finds anything other than PIV a chore, and completely boring. He told me no other women wants to do the things I've asked for (foreplay). I just don't know how to get him to want to do these things. It feels like getting someone who hates heights to go up the eiffel tower, its just not happening.

That's crap , he's lying.

@SparklyGlitter95

He thinks I should be satisfied by what he's already doing, he thinks I'm 'awkward' and 'impossible to make orgasm'. So in his eyes he's doing everything right and it's not working.

Clearly not , if you can do it yourself.

Everything you have said about your sex life OP makes my skin crawl. Your partner has zero respect for you, your body, or your needs. Personally I would think it is worth splitting up over. There are actually men out there who are amazing lovers, and do their fare share in the house. My DP is one of them!

Sound like he just wants it like in porn. Get rid.

I've had enough. We had a conversation about it, he is still blaming me. Apparently I'm uptight and boring, and I know nothing about women's bodies because I've never slept with one. We have agreed to separate. I'm done.

@SparklyGlitter95 - Well done you!

I'm sure you will have no problem finding a man that knows how to treat a woman properly..

It seems strange to me that you have waited until having two children before realising you are not sexually compatible.

Why are you still with him

@SparklyGlitter95 - You understand womens’ bodies because you own one! Nobody of any logical thinking can deny that.

This is further underlined by those who have shared with another female; there is a huge knowledge because both bodies work in the same way.

@jessstan1 I got pregnant very early in the relationship so tried to make it work.

@StarlightLady I did try to say that but it fell on deaf ears. Never mind eh!

Thanks @AverageGuy, I hope so!

You understand womens’ bodies because you own one! Nobody of any logical thinking can deny that

You'd be surprised at how many women don't know their own bodies.

@noego - I agree with you to a certain extent, there are women who don’t “learn” (my terminology) their own bodies. But for every woman in that boat there are 2 men, who either do not understand or do not care.

@StarlightLady

I would agree with you and I think the number is far greater than 2!!

@noego - I misread your figure for 211 at first. Pass me my glasses will you?

@StarlightLady

It could be 211 from what I hear from women

Some of us listen, and learn...

I hesitate to ask - does he have any issues in childhood or incidents that could have influenced his attitude to sex?

I had one partner who had to tell me some heavy stuff that had really clouded ability to enjoy or relax during sex.

I may be well wrong and I struggle for the phrasing, so my apologies in advance if this isn't the case.

My response to " You're not doing it right unless you're gagging"?

Would be "Yeah. Fuck right off mate." And then I'd put my fist through his teeth.

Glad you are leaving him @SparklyGlitter95 - hope you find someone wonderful in the future

Stick to your decision OP.

If he loves you, he will make it work and try different things or therapy.
If not, you cant go on like this.

I hope the next guy is a bit more mature and experienced, well any guy would be better than this to be honest.

The correct response to ‘you’re not doing it right unless you’re gagging’ is ‘you’re not doing it right unless I’m coming.’

3 women is not a representative sample of womankind especially if 2/3 of the surveyed didn’t want to repeat the experience.

Even if all the women he’s slept with didn’t need foreplay (I’ll bet those were good dreams, mate, eh? More likely they just wanted it over with quickly), yes all 3, who gives a fuck?

This isn’t about them, it’s about YOU and what YOU need. Don’t let him gaslight you. You need foreplay and pleasure and appreciation, the very bare minimum for anyone, you’re not asking to be suspended from the ceiling and dipped in strawberry yoghurt by a bloke dressed as Tarzan to get you going. (Nothing wrong with that btw, just a bit more niche and complicated!)

Dear god there’s crap in bed but willing to learn, and there’s crap in bed because they’re a selfish arse.

Personally I’ve a big suspicion that at least one of his previous partners was plastic or inflatable.

And have you also said, ‘funnily enough, all the other men I’ve slept with could make me come easily. And I can make myself come easily so it’s just .....you that can’t deliver.’

You deserve more. So go and get it, and don’t look back. The somewhat larger sample of women on this thread (>3) is telling you HE IS THE PROBLEM.