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Original poster

He really hurt me

75 replies

SexAccount · 16/11/2020 16:24

I’m with a man who I’ve been seeing for a couple of days a week for a few months now. The sex is absolutely amazing - I’ve not been with many people and I genuinely can’t believe I’ve been missing out on this for so much of my life.

Anyway, I stayed at his last night and we had sex this morning. He always, always makes me orgasm before he has sex with me. He has said it makes him relax more as then he can really enjoy himself shagging me knowing that I’ve already cum (although he normally makes me orgasm again during sex as well ).

For some reason, just before he cums he gets very, very hard and bigger. He is probably on the smaller size of average but for about 30 seconds to a minute before he cums much bigger. This morning he had my ankles on his shoulders and leant right into me just as he started to get a lot harder. I yelped as it suddenly really hurt me and tried to put my hands in between myself and his pelvis so he couldn’t go so deep but he moved my hands and pinned them to my sides. I quite urgently said ‘stop, you’re really hurting me’ and he said ‘I’m nearly done’. I grit my teeth and it lasts a few more thrusts but as soon as he’s cum I start sobbing and shaking. He was immediately apologetic and gave me a cuddle and said he didn’t realise I was properly hurt.

I had to leave a few minutes later and it was all very awkward as I could barely walk. I get home, have a bath and have a hot water bottle on my tummy but I’m in so much pain. No blood but I feel really bruised on the inside. Like really horrible period pain.

He’s messaged me a few times asking if I’m alright, apologising, saying that it would never happen again, that he just got caught up in the moment and if he knew he was properly hurting me he would have stopped immediately. I don’t think he did it on purpose and the whole thing probably only lasted 20-30 seconds.

What should I do? I really like him, love shagging him and am falling head over heels for him. I do believe he did it accidentally and it won’t happen again.

OP posts:

SparklyGlitter95 · 23/11/2020 13:04

I have asked him to stop previously when he’s been doing other things and not actually meant it and he’s pinned my arms down which I’ve loved and that what he thought I was doing then

If you enjoy doing these things maybe you need a safe word so there's no confusion if you really want him to stop.

puttergal · 28/11/2020 12:38

I would only want to have sex with people I could trust.
He raped you.
He might have been nice before and after the rape. But he still raped you.
Shouldn't FWB be fun?
This didn't sound fun.

wishfuldreamer · 28/11/2020 16:29

@SparklyGlitter95

*I have asked him to stop previously when he’s been doing other things and not actually meant it and he’s pinned my arms down which I’ve loved and that what he thought I was doing then*

If you enjoy doing these things maybe you need a safe word so there's no confusion if you really want him to stop.

This was what I was about to say. My partner and I engage in all kinds of power exchange and role play, but if I say ‘stop’ he knows that’s for real and we stop.

Please be careful with this kind of restraint play. It’s really fun, but you must do it safely, so you feel safe and in control.

BubblyBarbara · 28/11/2020 20:59

Withdrawing consent and a partner carrying on could be rape in some cases

In every case! The misogyny on this site beggars belief. Just because the OP has decided to rewrite the definition to be able to tolerate continuing a relationship with this beast doesn’t change the facts.

fineokthen · 28/11/2020 22:27

I have been raped before by a friend of mine

If your current partner knows this then all the more shame on him

CherryBlossomTree7 · 28/11/2020 23:19

This is horrendous OP. Please do not see him again, for a walk or anything.

This was no accident. You yelped, he pinned your hands down so you couldn't push him off and he continued for his own pleasure.

blubberball · 29/11/2020 05:21

I'm so sorry this happened to you op. I hope that you're feeling better, and maybe get medical attention if you might be internally injured.

I don't think that it's normal behaviour, and it was rape. I've been there too, and I didn't report it, as it was my husband (now my ex). My current partner checks in with me constantly, asks if I'm OK and stops immediately if I tell him. We have play too, and I love it when he pins me down, but we have safe words too.

Hope you stay safe op. I wouldn't continue with this guy, as he seems unsafe and I wouldn't be able to trust him again.

Opentooffers · 29/11/2020 14:15

That's a pretty major drip feed that you have said stop and not ment it and he's pinned your arms down and you've loved it .

Shunter350 · 03/12/2020 21:57

As a guy this upsets me. Stop means stop.

GarlicSoup · 05/12/2020 12:11

@Derekhello

“do believe he did it accidentally and it won’t happen again.”

He didn’t do it accidentally though did he? You told him to stop and he didn’t. I hope you are ok.

Absolutely this.

jadelou85 · 08/12/2020 04:11

He should have stopped and the arm pinning would worry me but I would suggest having a serious talk with him and making your own mind up from there - but only if it’s out of character and everything else is genuinely good. For what it’s worth I’ve had two similar experiences. Once when I was positive we were about to get interrupted and once when I was hungover (I was enjoying the distraction until I actually thought I was going to be sick!) and things went wasn’t in pain so it is slightly different to your situation but the ‘nearly done’ comment is what made me think back again because mine said the same and finished seconds after. I do agree what someone else said, they shouldn’t lose all sense of reason but I think it does affect their judgment to a point when they’re that close.

jadelou85 · 08/12/2020 05:43

Wow I’ve just read all the other comments. I’m glad things seem to have worked out OK. Talk about an overreaction from one or two people though.

BigButtons · 08/12/2020 17:00

OK- so he thought it was part of the normal sex 'games' you play. If you have said stop before in a playful way( which is odd) and it's been part of a game where you really meant 'carry on', then I can quite understand why he thought this was exactly the same as it had been previously.
You really do need to talk with him about the language you will use in future if you actually want him to stop . Either change the language for the power play game or find a new safe word which means he must stop.

xpc316e · 08/12/2020 17:36

From my viewpoint this incident shows that it isn't wise to dabble in anything remotely resembling BDSM without first finding out all about the safeguards that should be incorporated.

Safe words are vital to safe BDSM play: if you operate on a traffic light system, it can indicate that boundaries are close. Green means you can take more, amber means that you are pretty much at your limit but can sustain that level, and red means stop right this minute. In this case boundaries had been flexible in the past and for me that is a fundamental cause of how this ended up.

BDSM isn't for everybody, and I would stress that plenty of research is done into it before even scratching the surface. Great communication is paramount if things are going to be safe. That didn't happen here.

jadelou85 · 08/12/2020 20:56

People are over-thinking it (then again I’ve found myself thinking about it a lot as well because it’s such a difficult situation). Crying out in pain and saying ‘stop you’re really hurting me’ didn’t stop him; he pinned her down and continued. So I’m not really sure traffic lights would have helped. But if she’d left it any later to ask him to stop he’d have beaten her to it. If it only took ‘a few thrusts’ for him to finish, he must have been literally almost there and I still think that was probably the main factor. Men also have a ‘point of no return’ which I only learned about recently. If they get too close it becomes physically impossible to hold back. It sounds like he could have just been at that point when things went wrong. Literally just really bad timing.

Original poster

SexAccount · 10/12/2020 22:27

Sorry, I wasn’t clear about when I’d asked him to stop before. When I’ve done it before it’s never been during actual sex. It’s been when he’s gone in for a snog and I’ve not really been in the mood or it’s an awkward time. I’ve laughed and told him to stop and he’s always just held my arms and given me another snog and then either left it or it’s led to sex.

OP posts:

RollneckJumper · 11/12/2020 17:45

OP, you put your hands between yourself and him and he moved them out of his way and pinned them by your sides!

You told him to stop. He clearly heard you and acknowledged you because he responded by completely disregarding your wishes and saying "I'm nearly finished".

Whether or not you think this feel like rape - IT IS RAPE.

You removed your consent when you told him to stop. He should have stopped. He didn't. He continued to have sex with you without your consent, even pinning your arms down to stop you from being able to push him away. He raped you.

Please don't minimise his behaviour by entertaining him with walks and talks.

You deserve someone who is going to care for you and respect you. Someone who respects your right to say no at any point during sex, and then stops intercourse because they aren't a rapist.

lepardprint · 11/12/2020 18:06

@RollneckJumper
Exactly this!!

This situation is not remotely similar to the situations you described of it being playful of you telling him to stop. He could see you were in pain on this occasion and it's unacceptable! I can't believe posters are suggesting it's an over reaction, it was rape!

Really hope you're okay xz

Muddybuddy · 12/12/2020 17:13

@SexAccount

Is this supposed to make it any better op?? You tell him to stop kissing you because you’re not in the mood, but he holds your arms and carries on?? Red flags all over this thread

Original poster

SexAccount · 12/12/2020 19:32

No, it’s not supposed to make it better at all. It was in response to the poster who said that it was a pretty major drip feed that I’d asked him to stop before and not minded that he hadn’t. I wasn’t clear in that I’d never actually asked him to stop during sex but had when we were just kissing or somethimg which is why I didn’t really mention it in the OP as it didn’t seem relevant.

Anyway, none of its relevant now I guess l. I haven’t seen him for a couple of week and don’t intend to again.

OP posts:

jadelou85 · 14/12/2020 18:19

So everything is fine, no one is forcing anyone to do anything they don't want to do then when he's literally on the point of finishing she says stop and a few seconds later he does. It sounds like it didn't end well for anyone but to say it's rape is an overeaction.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 16/12/2020 11:24

Sorry OP late reply but I hope you're ok.

I agree with other posters - this wasn't ok. Two things stand out for me ...

He says he would have stopped if he knew he was "really" hurting you. WTF? You told him he was and he must have felt you pull away and known this. Yet he carried on.

He clearly put his orgasm before your comfort. This is not what a good human being does. I'd be very wary of what other feelings of pain and control (mental and physical) he feels it's acceptable to inflict so he gets his rocks off.

Of course only you can decide your still happy with this man. It's depressingly common these days for behaviour during sex to escalate to other ways of restraint, some like that bollocks expression "breath play" or plain old strangulation as non-twats call it can be lethal. At any time you can say no to something you enjoyed yesterday, your actions don't set a precedent for all future sex.

Look after yourself

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 16/12/2020 11:28

Point of no return?! Really? So a man has no responsibility over his actions if he's about to come? Jesus Christ.

Ok you may not be able to stop the orgasm but you can bloody well pull out.

jadelou85 · 16/12/2020 13:51

@tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz

Point of no return?! Really?

So a man has no responsibility over his actions if he's about to come? Jesus Christ.

Ok you may not be able to stop the orgasm but you can bloody well pull out.

Yes, I wasn't saying he shouldn't have stoped, he should've stopped, pulled out whatever, I was just saying it sounds like it was right at that moment when she wanted him to stop and you can't just pretend it's irrelevant if he was at that point.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 16/12/2020 14:22

That sounds like an excuse to me, he's still actively chosen to prioritise his enjoyment over her comfort.

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