He really hurt me

[SexAccount]

I’m with a man who I’ve been seeing for a couple of days a week for a few months now. The sex is absolutely amazing - I’ve not been with many people and I genuinely can’t believe I’ve been missing out on this for so much of my life.

Anyway, I stayed at his last night and we had sex this morning. He always, always makes me orgasm before he has sex with me. He has said it makes him relax more as then he can really enjoy himself shagging me knowing that I’ve already cum (although he normally makes me orgasm again during sex as well ).

For some reason, just before he cums he gets very, very hard and bigger. He is probably on the smaller size of average but for about 30 seconds to a minute before he cums much bigger. This morning he had my ankles on his shoulders and leant right into me just as he started to get a lot harder. I yelped as it suddenly really hurt me and tried to put my hands in between myself and his pelvis so he couldn’t go so deep but he moved my hands and pinned them to my sides. I quite urgently said ‘stop, you’re really hurting me’ and he said ‘I’m nearly done’. I grit my teeth and it lasts a few more thrusts but as soon as he’s cum I start sobbing and shaking. He was immediately apologetic and gave me a cuddle and said he didn’t realise I was properly hurt.

I had to leave a few minutes later and it was all very awkward as I could barely walk. I get home, have a bath and have a hot water bottle on my tummy but I’m in so much pain. No blood but I feel really bruised on the inside. Like really horrible period pain.

He’s messaged me a few times asking if I’m alright, apologising, saying that it would never happen again, that he just got caught up in the moment and if he knew he was properly hurting me he would have stopped immediately. I don’t think he did it on purpose and the whole thing probably only lasted 20-30 seconds.

What should I do? I really like him, love shagging him and am falling head over heels for him. I do believe he did it accidentally and it won’t happen again.

It was assault/rape - you withdrew your consent and he did it against your will. I know you say you're feeling better but please think about seeking medical advice OP, just in case

I spoke to him last night after he left some flowers and a hot water bottle on my doorstep. He’s incredibly apologetic and says he didn’t realise it was really hurting me until after he’d stopped. He said he understands if I never want to sleep with him again and that he just wants to know that I’m ok. I’m going for a walk with him tomorrow. The thing I liked most about him was the fact we had unbelievably good sex and I really don’t think we’ll be able to do that again as I just don’t trust him. He’s a lot bigger than me and I know if we do anything where he’s even vaguely on top of me that I just wouldn’t be able to relax now. So that’s that I guess

Physically I feel fine now, just a bit of a dull ache when I use my stomach muscles.

The best apology he can give you is to leave you alone for good

I think that some posters are being very unfair.
Yes he should have stopped right away, but if he was literally about to orgasm and it was only then that hes maybe put too much pressure on your cervix, I'm sure it has been an accident.
If you like this person then i wouldnt call it quits over this. This has happened to me lots of times with my parter, he has never purposely tried to hurt me. I think the poster saying that this was rape is actually quite irresponsible.

@BohemianDream are you for real? If what you have written is your genuine advice then I think you need to give your head a little wobble. Is that what you'd tell your daughter or female relative? If you tell a man to stop and he doesn't because he's close to orgasm then it's fine, no harm done? And the fact you say your own partner does this to you on the regular and you don't bat an eyelid...unbelievable. And FYI, it is rape. She withdrew consent. He continued. Therefore it was non consensual. Which is rape.

It is not rape. My head does not not need a wobble. I am not suggesting that because he was close to orgasm that anything goes, definitely not. Im simply suggesting that the man was probably in a little deeper because of it and it became uncomfortable for the woman for a very short time period. There have been a few times ive been in the moment and very nearly snapped my partners penis off from slipping about too much.
He has apologised, and the OP is meeting him again.
It doesn't help anyone to misconstrue what rape is and is not.

I yelped as it suddenly really hurt me and tried to put my hands in between myself and his pelvis so he couldn’t go so deep but he moved my hands and pinned them to my sides. I quite urgently said ‘stop, you’re really hurting me’ and he said ‘I’m nearly done’. I grit my teeth and it lasts a few more thrusts but as soon as he’s cum I start sobbing and shaking

No. Read what she wrote. He pinned her hands to her sides to stop her pushing him off. It has nothing to do with him 'being in a little deeper' as you put it. He physically pinned her hands down so he could continue. She told him to stop. He said no. The only person misunderstanding what the word rape means is you. Unfortunately this is why alot of women who are sexually assaulted aren't listened to, because people like you minimise it and say things like 'oh he didn't mean it'. He literally said no when she asked him to stop. But hey, if someone doesn't get it they don't get it eh.

Oh shit. Im sorry. I clearly hadn't read the post properly. I really hadnt noticed the pinning down of hands part, that is no accident. Im off to eat my words and my hat. I'm very sorry.

I agree with Bohemian I don't think this particular incident is rape .

Withdrawing consent and a partner carrying on could be rape in some cases ,but I don't think this is one of them .

I also think that the OP was more than uncomfortable and I'm concerned that so much pain was caused and that this persisted for over 24 hours and was so bad that she initially had trouble walking and 24 hours later still couldn't comfortably stand upright .

I hope the guy in question has learnt from this and modifies his behaviour .And of course the position the OP describes -ankles on his shoulders - allows for deep penetration and makes it difficult for the person underneath to move .

he was absolutely out of line and I would be enraged like you, and feel violated, if someone i was intimate with pinned my hands down to continue fulfilling their needs when I had clearly asked them to stop.
I completely understand with you never being able to trust him again OP, i hope you feel better soon
x

Sorry OP. It started consensual and then you withdrew consent. You're allowed at any point whatsoever to do that (as is he) and he has to stop. If he doesn't, it's non-consensual.

He pinned your hands down when you tried to protect yourself and you said stop..just so he could climax.

It was rape.

He can apologise all he wants (as he should) but your instinct of not being able to trust him in bed now us spot on: listen to it.

I hope your body is feeling better now.

@peridito

I agree with Bohemian I don't think this particular incident is rape .

Withdrawing consent and a partner carrying on could be rape in some cases ,but I don't think this is one of them .

I also think that the OP was more than uncomfortable and I'm concerned that so much pain was caused and that this persisted for over 24 hours and was so bad that she initially had trouble walking and 24 hours later still couldn't comfortably stand upright .

I hope the guy in question has learnt from this and modifies his behaviour .And of course the position the OP describes -ankles on his shoulders - allows for deep penetration and makes it difficult for the person underneath to move .

I'd hate to think what you constitute as rape if this isn't it...

I would advise you not to go for the walk with him tomorrow. He’s brought flowers and acting apologetically as he’s trying to make you question your judgement and avoid you taking this further with telling people about his conduct.

I would text him saying that he did hurt you, you had asked him clearly to stop and he pinned you down and continued. You will not be seeing him again and do not want any contact from him.

I hope you’re getting support @SexAccount

OP planned to go for a walk with him on Friday ,yesterday .

The grovelling I'd wager is due to guilt because he knows he raped you. He held your hands pinned you and raped you and he doesn't get to talk to you. Or get to meet with you for a walk. He wants u to absolve him of his guilt. He is a bad man good men stop and feel awful. He is sick. Please don't let this rapist worm his way back in! You will never be able to trust him again. Just message and say i have changed my mind and cannot forgive what you did. Please leave me alone and then it is upto you with how you want to Proceed. You didn't deserve this you didn't ask for this and you withdraw consent remember all of this. What kind of dickhead hurts you some intimately to the point where you can't stand properly. Please protect yourself. Too many men get away with this and I have been were you are. I'm so sorry this happened please talk to people if you feel you need to.

I've just read this post and it made me feel so sad for you.
It's hard to accept but this is 100 percent rape :(

How are you feeling op? X

Of course it's rape. The whole 'he got caught up in the moment' is not an excuse. I can't believe there are people in this thread claiming his actions do not constitute rape.

His actions are indeed rape, but those who feel that they do not constitute the offence are perhaps rooted in a practical world where the Crown Prosecution Service would in all probability never proceed with this as a case. It is one thing for a person to have committed an offence and another to obtain a conviction.

Prosecutors would have to consider that any jury would have serving on it a number of people who while knowing that it is technically a rape, they would be extremely reluctant to convict someone for this.

To prosecute an allegation of rape without medical evidence of injuries obtained by an examination immediately after the offence further reduces its chances of success.

Must keep reminding myself that the CPC is the arbiter on what constitutes rape. Keep forgetting this very conclusive fact.

Smallgoon the CPS does not decide what is and isn't rape, but it does have to wisely spend the public's money. Therefore, it proceeds with those prosecutions which have a good chance of success, and/or are in the public interest. Whether we like it, or not, the finite pot of money they possess naturally affects which cases go to court.

I made a point of stating that the man's actions in this case constituted rape, but you seem to ignore that almost to the extent that there is an inference that I am excusing him. I am definitely not doing that; I am merely telling it like it is.

You physically and verbally told him to stop yet he didn't. He pinned your arms down and told you he was close to finishing. He knew you wanted to stop yet he was very close. The sex was no longer consensual, the act of 2 willing participants. I'm so sorry but you were raped and I'm sorry and disturbed that others on here can't see that.

@xpc316e but you seem to ignore that almost to the extent that there is an inference that I am excusing him

There was no inference on my part at all, not sure how you have come to this conclusion. There are others in this thread who have clearly stated his actions did not constitute rape, my comment was therefore directed towards them.

Not sure what relevance whether the CPS would pursue prosecution or not has to this thread. There are no grey areas when it comes to rape. You either consent or you don't. Simple.

I went for a walk with him on Friday and it was fine. He apologised again and made it clear that it’s something he’s never done before and never will again and I do believe him. I have asked him to stop previously when he’s been doing other things and not actually meant it and he’s pinned my arms down which I’ve loved and that what he thought I was doing then. I’m seeing him at the weekend so we’ll see how it goes.

I don’t consider it rape. I have been raped before by a friend of mine who emailed me afterwards apologising for raping me. I also had injuries consistent with sexual trauma that were treated in hospital. Even with that it was deemed there was not enough evidence to go to trial so there is absolutely no point in going to the police even if I wanted to. My experience with the police was far more traumatising than the rape itself was and I would tell anyone who has been raped to get in contact with their local Rape Crisis centre rather than ever approach the police.

Thanks for all the advice, it really is appreciated. I think he was really shocked that he potentially jeopardised our relationship.

Thanks for updating .I'm so pleased to hear that things are looking up .

It's hard on line to have shade and nuance and it was obviously a distressing experience .

I have been raped before by a friend of mine who emailed me afterwards apologising for raping me.

The fact that this isn't considered evidence alone shows how seriously the CPS take rape allegations.