I actually can’t take anymore.

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

Iv posted on here a few times.

My husbands sex drive has gone literally to zero this year and I don’t know what else to do.
It’s making me feel like utter shit, unloved and unattractive. We have sex once every 12-15 weeks.

He isn’t having an affair. He claims he has a “mental block” going on and is too ashamed to seek help. He says he fancies me still but he literally doesn’t come near me. I feel so unattractive.

He says he feels unconfident and embarrassed about his body. I tell him every day I find him attractive. He doesn’t say the same to me.

Everything else about him is amazing, he’s an amazing dad. And he treats me wonderfully. I couldn’t ask for anymore apart from the sex side of things.

He’s on nights tonight and has gone for a lay down. The Dc are at school so I went abs joined him. If I try and touch him he smacks my hand away.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

It’s breaking my heart.

He isn’t gay either..

I have every sympathy for you. My DW has not engaged with me in anything sexual for 2 years and 4 months. Every day it’s the same thing. She goes to bed effectively fully clothed, thick pyjamas, socks, dressing gown or cardigan. She has a habit of lying on the duvet so it’s effectively a barrier. She always goes to bed early but there’s still things to tidy and sort out so even if I felt like going to bed then I can’t. If I touch her anywhere above the knee she brushes me off. If she’s reading her phone and I try to get close or do anything she tells me “I’m reading” when she puts the phone down “I’m trying to sleep” if it’s in the morning on a weekend she gets up and goes downstairs. Often I am told as soon as I arrive home she feels ill, stressed, annoyed basically wants to be left alone. Often when I do go to bed my 8 year old son is there and has to be moved.

This is a wretched situation I feel absolutely un loved and undesirable and quite alone. It’s easy to say leave, find someone else but if you have children and a mortgage and you being the male would have to move out it’s incredibly difficult.

I am 46, not over weight, still have my hair, I am 6’4” yet I am celibate and have no choice.

I would love to offer you advice but if your DH is happy with the situation I don’t think there’s much you can do other than make a ultimatum. But if he doesn’t want sex that’s it really same as if my DW has decided there’s no need for it anymore. They will never see our side of the story.

Post on Relationships OP, for more responses. You won't get many here.

I hear you! I’m married to a wonderful man, but I just can’t continue in a sexless marriage.

When you discuss this with the indifferent partner they really don’t see it as a problem. I don’t think there’s a solution other than put up and shut up or divorce. If there’s any success stories I would love to know. I brought up the subject with DW this morning and relieved the same old excuses I heard about 4 months ago as if it was a temporary issue (2 years 4 months) but before that it was very infrequent and even our honeymoon was shocking in that respect. DW eventually agreed its not right within the context of a marriage, said she felt bad, then didn’t speak again. I can’t go on like this for another 20 years so somethings got to change.

You can give the ultimatum but even if he makes an effort it will wane. Will he see his GP?

Mutual friends were in the similar position to you except it was the wife. Not completely off it but couldn't be bothered as shopping, having coffee mornings etc all took higher priority with spending a lot of money (he was a high earner). Didn't think nurturing her marriage mattered (she has told me all of this)

Husband tried and tried, put up with it and one day he left having planned his exit. Got a house nearby so worked with the kids ..wasn't having an affair and she accepted that. Continued being a brilliant dad and was happy to do 50/50 (she wasn't).

Tried to get him back but he said the years of lack of intimacy had killed the relationship.

Fuck....doesn't she regret jt. After several years he has remarried. Wife is lovely and very they are very happy. Ex wife is bitterly angry (with herself as well) and wishes she had done something.

A salutary tale

@normalmumandwife it’s funny how if a man is indifferent to his wife’s needs a trip to the GP is recommended but if the wife’s indifferent to her husband’s needs there’s a whole raft of factors and a medical solution is rarely recommended or indeed found.

I also know a couple where the husband left and the wife is still bitter and I know for a fact she would have him back tomorrow even though before the divorce he was an arsehole, he left her....but he was very rich. The wife got to keep the big house too.

I think getting to this stage in a relationship is very sad. At the very least being intimate with your loved one is the one thing you do solely together that no one else does with you both. It's intimate and amazing. When this goes are you not just good friends?...

@cosmicbabe

I agree with you, the couple end up as just friends.

The indifferent side, however, doesn’t see it as a problem.

But it’s so much more than doing the deed the emotional attachment and affirmation of something emotional and loving lasts for days or weeks after.

It becomes a vicious cycle eventually. The indifferent one snubs the other, the other feels rejected and this reflects in their interactions with the indifferent one. The indifferent one then uses this as a justification for snubbing their partner.

So often there are complaints about a sulky husband. But if you are indifferent you won’t understand the viewpoint of the other.

So I bought a corset and it came today and all I got was when I said “do I look ok?” He just said yeah.

I’m so fed up

@Thedarksideofthemoon30

Unbelievable! If DW approached me in her regular underwear I would probably cum in my pants I actually say wow! When I see her in her cotton undies or swimwear, she laughs nervously and quickly dresses or closes the bathroom door or whatever. She actually threw out her thongs and lacy underwear. Normally she goes to bed in pyjamas etc...

You should tell your DH that there are men out there (me) who would really appreciate it if their DWs did something so sexy for them.

Do you ever “please yourself” in front of him? Maybe get a new toy, a wand or something

Maybe the fact you can do with out him might get a reaction and get him going.

I have a wand, it’s sat in the draw unused for the last year/2. He knows I sort myself out and watch porn. It makes no difference.

I have been in a similar situation with my exH , it wasn't the sole reason of pur split as he was actually really abusive but it was a big factor for me. I'm 31 (now), quite attractive and would wear sexy underwear for him, had toys, dirty talk, sent him photos etc fulfilled fantasies but he rejected me nearly every time for the last 2 years. I'm ashamed to say I ended up sending photos and texting my personal trainer who I got because I thought it would make me more attractive etc. We didn't have an affair as it just never happened but I left soon after as the thrill of someone else fancying me and reminding me I'm a sexual being was too much.

Sexting*

Just one question, how long has he worked nights? Working nights is seriously bad for health and for any kind of normal life.

My DW used to work nights for the early part of her career and when on nights did nothing other than work and sleep. Sex was obviously non existent when she was working nights but it did happen maybe once every few months. I hated it when she was on nights I would only see her for an hour or so before she went to work, I would be at work when she came home. Weekends were spent trying not to wake her up. She would try to sleep all day and get up 1h before going to work.

Maybe working nights has wrecked his mojo.

Do you have children?

I have had sex twice this year. I have literally tried everything to entice my DH into bed (or the kitchen....or the bathroom...). I think he finds female sexual desire a turn off. He refuses to discuss it because he doesn't know where to go beyond "I have a very low sex drive - that's just who I am."

I do not want to live the rest of my life this way - but in every other way he is a great husband and father. It's just like living with a very lovely flatmate. I guess the next conversation would be how he would feel about me seeking sexual gratification elsewhere?

Also a lot of people mention this once married. If they were like this before why stay and if they have changed what has made them change?...

@Secretsquirrel2017 how old is your wife? I'm 46 and in perimenopause and my sex drive went off a cliff about 8 months ago. I'm now on HRT but is hasn't helped yet. I feel awful rejecting my DH but just can't face it sometimes. We do still d about once a week or fortnight, much less than we used to, which is very sad. It is an important part of a m'attirât IMO. I'm fine when I get going, thank goodness, but just no urge to start. If your DW is peri menopausal maybe she could benefit from seeing the GP?

That should say dtd and important part of a relationship

@ramesesmaze

We are 46. We haven’t DTD for 2 years and 4 months and before that over a year. We talked about it yesterday and we discussed the same reasons for it we did 4 months ago and in DW mind it’s somehow a temporary thing. I did point out that it’s actually been years and that I am not going to live my next 20 years feeling like this. I am starting to really struggle with the feelings I have. I know the next excuse will be the menopause and that will be the end of it. You are lucky to be DTD once a week.

@TheWitchCirce

I know how you feel. Your conversation about finding gratification elsewhere might kickstart your DH libido for fear of losing you or seeing someone else enjoying you. I would consider FWB but I am not sure I could disconnect the sex from the emotional attachment. I think it would be the start of the end. I still love and fancy my DW massively. I certainly wouldn’t want a series of ONS’s there seem to be a number of ladies out there looking for something to replace the lost physical intimacy in their marriages if married dating websites are anything to go by and I am sure there are many more men on them.

@Secretsquirrel2017 you may have answered this before but have you considered counselling ,ideally together .I'm not thinking that it focuses on the physical side but that it deals with the emotional aspects of your relationship and the impact it is having on you .

by the way ,your frequent posts and me reading them ,have so invaded my consciouness that I saw this quote from The Winter's Tale and thought of you

‘…it was thought she was a woman and was turned into a cold fish for she would not exchange flesh with one that loved her: the ballad is very pitiful and as true

OP your situation sounds really difficult. Have you been able to discuss it with your DH and understand why? It's perfectly fine for a partner to refuse sex, but also for the other partner to not be ok with a sexless marriage. I think it's a really important part of a relationship for the emotional connection and intimacy as well as physical enjoyment.
Sorry, I'm using your thread here to replyto @Secretsquirrel2017....I wonder if your DW is in perimenonopause and this is why she hasn't wanted to for over 2 years? It can start a lot earlier than you think. I suppose the issue for you is she doesn't seem to want to do anything about it and you believe she sees it as a non-issue, which is upsetting. You're obviously communicating that it's an issue for you and I'm guessing you have suggested couples counselling? For me, I'm desperate to do something about it, hence trying the HRT. I'm about to change to a different type to see if that improves things, and keep trying til something does.

I don't know how you'd feel about suggesting the GP and HRT to her. Not everyone's choice I know.

I was in this situation with my now exh.
It lasted years.
I felt so so so lonely and unattractive and then after years of him telling me he had no drive, I caught him masturbating (by accident) and I realised he just had no drive for me. He tried then to convince me otherwise but it was too late.
I wish I had wisdom but if he is not willing to see the damage he is doing to you or to try and work on it then you deserve better. You really do. Don't live like this.

@Alonelonelyloner

I do wonder how many who claim to have no drive do masturbate regularly? I think it’s more than you think.