I actually can’t take anymore.

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

Iv posted on here a few times.

My husbands sex drive has gone literally to zero this year and I don’t know what else to do.
It’s making me feel like utter shit, unloved and unattractive. We have sex once every 12-15 weeks.

He isn’t having an affair. He claims he has a “mental block” going on and is too ashamed to seek help. He says he fancies me still but he literally doesn’t come near me. I feel so unattractive.

He says he feels unconfident and embarrassed about his body. I tell him every day I find him attractive. He doesn’t say the same to me.

Everything else about him is amazing, he’s an amazing dad. And he treats me wonderfully. I couldn’t ask for anymore apart from the sex side of things.

He’s on nights tonight and has gone for a lay down. The Dc are at school so I went abs joined him. If I try and touch him he smacks my hand away.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

It’s breaking my heart.

He isn’t gay either..

@Secretsquirrel2017 totally- which would be fine if they didn't lie about having no drive or interest. Why not be honest? It's just fucked up and hurtful to the people on the receiving end of being physically invisible.

mmm - masturbation IMO is so so different from wanting to have sex with another person . I have used it purely to give release from physical tension and anxiety .

Being intimate with another person has until the last few months ( and I'm 70 ) been very very hard for me . Masturbation ,for me ,is about orgasm and release of tension .Sex with another person is about intimacy ,allowing oneself to be vunerable because you trust the person you having sex with . Orgasm is a lovely in that circumstance but for me is secondary .

The trust and intimacy ,the warmth of being physically close to someone has led to desire not been a result of it .

Don't know if any of that makes sense .

DP was in this situation with his ex. He tried everything to fix it over the years. He eventually gave up trying and told her it was her turn to fix it if she wanted to. She clearly didn't as she never mentioned it again and they didn't have sex for 3 years. Then he met me and left. She went ballistic and is now incredibly bitter about it all. IMO, she has no right to complain at all. If your partner, male or female, refuses to engage in sexual activity unless there is a specific agreement etc or illness, then they cannot be surprised when the person who wants it leaves.

I was also in a similar situation although I was the one who wasn't interested. Lots of reasons, illness, kids, lack of effort on exH's part and always always the same old thing. He never even undressed me, used to just nudge me to take my underwear off. Never used initiative or had ideas or suggestions, thinking back I think he rarely initiated as well and all of that combined turned me right off until we eventually split.

IMO relationships without that level of intimacy are doomed and I think the partner who refuses to do anything about it should let the other go or agree to some sort of open relationship.

@peridito you are right actually, now I read your message. It really is. Thanks for making that point.

I think in my case, what hurt me was the overall lack of interest in engaging with me on any level. A lack of communication, which I guess intimacy really is.

@Fudgsicles

This is something that confuses me

“ I was the one who wasn't interested. Lots of reasons, illness, kids, lack of effort on exH's part and always always the same old thing. He never even undressed me, used to just nudge me to take my underwear off. Never used initiative or had ideas or suggestions, thinking back I think he rarely initiated as well and all of that combined turned me right off until we eventually split.”

Your DH didn’t initiate but you didn’t want it, if he had started to initiate and started to remove your clothes how would you have reacted? Had he made suggestions and took some initiative how would you have reacted? Did you make it clear you weren’t interested in his advances throughout the day?

Did the factors such as illness and kids which are so often a passion killer lead to your indifference and rejection of your DH?

I am reluctant to try too hard to initiate anything because it usually ends up in a terse rejection. Was your DH reluctance to initiate or take initiative a reaction to the years of disinterest due to the stresses family life, work and children?

It’s easy to imagine how subsequent relationships with out the stresses work or children or any kind of obligation might be more spontaneous or enjoyable

@Secretsquirrel2017

"Your DH didn’t initiate but you didn’t want it, if he had started to initiate and started to remove your clothes how would you have reacted?

I did want it in our earlier years, I don't really remember him initiating much, but then it was a long time ago. He was always up for it but I have a feeling it was me initiating in the first place. He never really took my clothes off. I don't think he undressed me once, I always did it myself. He never even tried to and would often nudge me to. Hardly a turn on. I love being undressed by DP and find it a huge turn on so I wouldn't have reacted badly to ex doing it.

Had he made suggestions and took some initiative how would you have reacted?

I would have been glad it wasn't me doing all the driving and happy to try out his ideas. He never had any.

Did you make it clear you weren’t interested in his advances throughout the day?

He wasn't making them generally. He was always fairly passive.

Did the factors such as illness and kids which are so often a passion killer lead to your indifference and rejection of your DH?"

Maybe they helped that. My illness didn't help then the kids came along. Ultimately we were hardly setting the world on fire long before that. The things I mentioned above precluded illness and kids. It was always the same unless I suggested something. He never undressed me from the very beginning. I am fairly sure I mostly initiated even though he was always up for it.

I was young and inexperienced when we got together and he was my first boyfriend. He was older than me and more experienced, not that you would really know it. He also had a fetish that was harmless and at first I didn't mind but it got more and more and I made my distaste obvious along with the frequency that it was occuring. However he refused to acknowledge that and carried on and it became a huge turn off for me.

I fet trapped in the relationship. I was financially reliant on him and I didn't really have anywhere else to go and it was 'ok'. Not bad enough to leave really as we got on fine day to day. Looking back, I definitely settled and once I got older I felt very much that I had outgrown him and the marriage.

I've posted previously about how my XW completely lost her libido at menopause. I put up with it for 10 years...

Despite us discussing the issue (many times), going to counseling etc, nothing changed, so we agreed to divorce.

I did consider having an affair, and even, (to my shame) went on a couple of dates, but nothing ever happened.

I'm now single, in my late 50's (nearer 60) and haven't had sex for ages, (although I did somehow manage to find a FWB last year - a woman that actually wanted to have sex - and with me! ) thanks to my age, looks, and lockdown - none of which I can do anything about, so please consider your options carefully.

I would definitely say try and get somewhere neutral (maybe a hotel?), and talk to your partners. Explain to them how it's making you feel, and ask them why they feel the way they do. Be prepared to listen, and not just talk...

Consider couples' counselling - it's a difficult journey, but the destination can be worth the effort!

Whatever you decide, it's got to be right for you, and, if there are children involved, them.

If anyone want's a males opinion, or more advice, please feel free to pm me. You are not alone in this if you don't want to be.

AverageGuy I'm sorry that after trying so hard things didn't work out .

I hope things improve and you meet someone ,you sound lovely .Thoughtful ,honest and caring .

@peridito - Thank you you are very kind.

I received a lot of help and support from MN, and hope I can give something back.

As to finding someone, they say that hope springs eternal!

I was in the same situation for 12 years, DW just stopped one day, and just started rejecting my attempts to initiate anything, i'd get a range of excuses at the beginning, from too tired to the usual one of can you just go to sleep (possibly the worse one for me). We would go months or actually years between times. if you don't communicate how you feel early on, it will just continue or get worse. The split then is inevitable. I tried lots of things to reverse the process, but the rejections just wear you down, and you stop trying out of self preservation. Cuddles or affection become non existence, and something you actually come to dread, on the very occasional time she suggested it. If we did cuddle, i'd get sexually aroused due to the lack of physical contact, and then get moaned at, with 'cant we just cuddle' We got to the point where we literally had no relationship for the last 5 years, and I left once my youngest went off to Uni. It was only then that she took any sort of interest, but it was far too late by then. The loneliness was soul destroying in the last few years, and i felt like a single guy, just living in a house share, and i just could not trust that it would not revert back to how it was after a few months. I do regret waiting that long before leaving, but felt i had a moral duty to the kids. Funnily enough the kids all took it reasonably well, and now a year later on they seem fine with it..

I’ve cheated (openly) on the past relationship where this happened. I said to him time and time again and he always said he would change. In the end I went with a guy from work and left him.

Secretsquirrel your situation sounds utterly wretched and i know what you mean about being the man of a certain age with the mortgage and the kids. The cold tiny bedsit beckons for any man who dares to step out of line in such a situation.

Can the female in such a relationship really be happy? Maybe their happiness comes from having the house and the children. The men were really only ever facilitators in all of this and now they have played their part, their importance has lessened and they are almost superfluous though they come in handy for paying bills, doing DIY,being "company" and of course falling into line and following orders,for we all know the unspoken threat is never far away..

Thank God im not in that position but i have so many colleagues who are.

I also have colleagues whos wives eventually have lost all respect for their husbands, take a lover and leave anyway so the end result is the same. Maybe its best to take the initiative yourself whilst you still can. Whilst you still have some youth, some vitality, some earning potential and some self respect left.

Same for the OP.

@Arnoldthecat
I think what you describe explains why a lot of men get quite confrontational when it comes to financial support after a split. They refuse to swap a miserable marriage for an even more miserable, skint single existence. After years of putting up with a soul-destroying level of rejection they feel life ‘owes’ them some happiness once they are brave enough to make the break. I don’t necessarily disagree with that view. They signed up for one thing, they got another. Why should they pay for the privilege of not getting what they ordered?

Despite the common view on MN, a great many men don’t just see sex as dick wetting exercise. Many want (need) emotional intimacy and validation from their woman and to feel an unquestioning faith that they are not just an ATM, a sperm donor and a social accessory. The best way a woman can communicate that that is not the case is to have frequent and most importantly - genuinely enthusiastic - sex with her partner. Those that think otherwise often find themselves on the wrong end of an affair or end up facing an increasingly resentful and hurt partner who therefore never brings their best self to the relationship.

Sort out your sex life and you’ll be amazed at the positive virtuous circle it creates in other parts of your marriage. Sometimes though, things get too broken for too long that even trying to fix things makes things worse. When it gets to that stage, tough choices need to be made.

Agreed plastic bag,,now let me say this I would NEVER expect,deand sex from a woman. She either wants it freely and of her own volition or she doesnt. I want no favours, no weekly or monthly duty shags or a day pencilled in each month in the calendar when its the big night. No no no,,i dont want it.

Best to live on my own or find someone else.

I have been extraordinarily lucky since my divorce, in that I have a well paying job (my own business) that means I still have a good disposable income (and I've kept working through lockdown), but I still have many lonely nights.

For me @5pForAPlasticBag has hit the nail on the head. I need that intimacy, not "just" sex. I would also never, and have never, demand(ed) sex from a partner, but it's part of a marriage "contract", so maybe an expectation isn't unusual?

Reading this is breaking my heart.

I’m currently going through perimenopause and I feel shocking. I have zero sex drive, and I hate it. But I’m desperately trying to sort it by going on HRT and I’m in middle of arranging to take testosterone which will cost me a bloody fortune, but I don’t care, I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want my wonderful husband thinking I’m rejecting him.

I’ve been the person with a high sex drive and been rejected and it’s shitty and devastating, and for my husband to feel like that, because of me, breaks my heart.

I just want my sex drive back. I am trying to get it sorted

I don't necessarily agree with @perdito masturbation should be a celebration of ones body. A making love to oneself as opposed to releasing tension. Making love to oneself creates intimacy with oneself. Loving yourself is important after all it's the only one we spend the whole of our loves with :)

This has happened to me. I sort of made my view on his indifference 'official' by buying him a single bed and telling him to sleep there, that we weren't a proper married couple so why bother with the pretence? I now love having my own space and not having to sleep next to someone who makes me feel so ugly.

Guy here

My situation started the same but it has changed over time. Initially and for a number of years there was very little intimacy, I knew she loved me but there was no hugs and very little actions on her part to instigate intimacy. I focussed on making sure I was pulling my weight, telling her how much I loved her and didn’t push her on things but ultimately intimacy dropped to once a month at best.

We had counselling which confirmed to me again that she loved me, how much I loved her and how much our life was otherwise good, but things didn’t improve and I missed that intimacy and feeling of being wanted in that way so much. I struggle to put into words what I mean but it became very rare and almost predictable, feeling like she was going through the motions to please me.

Over time I started to realise it was more about how she felt about herself rather than what she felt about me. We worked hard to find time for us and I made sure I showed her in other ways how important to was to me.

But.....that was two years ago, since then she has been struggling with symptoms that make uncomfortable, even if we did try. We have seen doctors, gone private, various lotions and meds and still we are no nearer understanding what is going on. If we do have sex, and that really is every month or two now, the symptoms come back leaving her very uncomfortable for weeks and understandably not wanting to try again.

She and I are rightly upset, I’ve concluded that this is our life now and I love her to the end of the earth but feel so sad, and feel guilty for feeling so frustrated, that we may not have the level of intimacy we both would like again.

Not sure why I wrote this on this post, but it makes me feel sad. My situation is different, it’s medical reasons that are stopping the intimacy but the sadness and the frustration in that is constant.

If I didn’t know my wife loves me and is as sad about it as I am, then I would have left a long time ago

@Signoftimes- Not trying to be frivolous but - been there, done that, got the T-shirt...

I completely understand what you are going through. At least your DW understands the situation, and is trying. Be grateful for that.

Probably TMI, but what about masturbation & Oral? (Both ways?)

I'm not one to push peoples comfort zones, but would you both consider inviting another person into your lives? This wouldn't be cheating, as you would both be involved.

I'm thinking it might help you both, if your DW knew that your frustrations were being, er, taken care of, iyswim.

Hey @AverageGuy

Not too much info at all

Unfortunately that is not an easy option, at least to give to her, as the nature of the symptoms would make that very uncomfortable for her. We have had conversation about her ‘helping me out’ so to speak, but knowing how frustrated I get about the situation between her and I it feels unfair for her to feel equally frustrated that I can’t be intimate with/to her.

Another person wouldn’t be an option and would ultimately be ll about me. She, quite fairly in my mind, would not be comfortable in any way with that.

The issue through this is that she wants to be intimate with me, but can’t without the discomfort and pain