Erection question for men

[Namechanger9753]

This is a question for men since my (female) friends are unable to answer this. How common is it for men to struggle to have an erection with a new partner?

I was sexually very active in my twenties but never experienced a partner who would have struggled to get hard. I've now hit a period in life in my late thirties where I'm having new partners again. So far my experience has been the same. There's been only one man who was struggling to have an erection and turned out it was because he hadn't found me attractive (why bother I ask?).

Now I have a new partner and the first time I slept with him he massively struggled to get and maintain an erection. He seems super keen and is all superlatives about how attractive he finds me and how great the sex was. I'm struggling to believe him but maybe I just really don't understand male erection. He said it was down to anxiety around performing. My very recent ex is his friends boss, we're colleagues and he said he had been fantasising about our first time for months. So is that the problem with the erection can happen without warning even when things afe going well and you're feeling really aroused? And can I do anything to help. I just told him not to worry about it and to just take it as it comes and enjoy it. Which he seemed to be doing erection or not. I think it's just my own insecurities whispering Is it me?

I'm not a man but the same happened to me with my partner (32). He was really excited and in the mood but couldn't perform and it was purely down to anxiety.
I thought the same as you, like it was me but after a few times he relaxed and it was fine. Been together 2 years and even now he struggles a little if he's thinking about it too much but I just talk to him and ask him what he'd like me to do etc and that gets him going again lol.
Once he relaxes and you's have done it a few times I'm sure it'll be fine:)

Men are complex creatures and the answer/s can range from the psychological to physical. It would be easy to say that he has the answer but in some cases he probably doesn't know why he cannot get an erection.
What i do know is that women should not automatically thinks "ITS ME" and then begin to overthink it and begin to destroy their self esteem.

First few times with a new partner there is a lot of pressure. It can interfere with normal
Behaviour.

Don’t assume the bloke doesn’t want to be with you, don’t put pressure on him.

A man here. Erections are very uncontrollable events in a man's life. At puberty and for a few years after they will happen quite spontaneously without much stimulus. I once had an erection while playing for my 3rd year rugby team in the freezing cold and had to avoid the showers after the game. In my late teens and twenties, it always seemed to be just a stray thought away and I never once had a failure. In my thirties and forties, it would depend on how well rested I was or if stressed at work or for some other reason.
I'm now in my fifties and for a couple of years there I had real issues with ED and I think my poor wife thought I didn't fancy her anymore which could never have been further from the truth.
Just now I seem to be going through a revival and am waking up with 'morning wood' again, not every day but enough to reassure me that everything works. I even had a wet dream a couple of weeks ago and my wife found that very amusing.
The best thing of all was just before the first lockdown when we where out shopping and I was waiting outside a clothes shop with the trolley while she went in to get a new top. I caught site of her at the rail in the rear of the shop and she was on her mobile to her sister laughing as I watched her I became very aroused and she must have thought I was mad rushing home to get some afternoon delight.
Men seldom talk to each other about things like this and as a result if we have a problem it can become problematic and we fixate over it.
Just go with the flow and talk to your guy, your both adults after all and you should be able to talk about sex if your both willing to get naked with each other and try and dtd.
Hope this helps, relax have fun it'll all cum good ;)

Very common with a new partner, it’s just stage fright. It’ll probably resolve on its own. If not the pills can help overcome for first hurdle, then after a few goes he won’t need them.

firewalker reading your post and seeing the love you have for your wife shining through ,has really made my morning!

Give the man time....sounds like its just a bit of new partner-related anxiety. This does become more a problem with older men though.

If all else fails there's viagra?

@peridito My DW is truly the love of my life. We've been together for over 35 years and I am very proud to say that she is my only sexual partner. I guess that is really rare in this day and age but for me she has always been the one.
We have had our ups and downs but we have always talked to each other and I guess when it's right you just know it.
She is a little older than me and has two sons from a previous marriage as well as our son they're all our sons really.
But yes even when things were at their worst I always have had the deepest love and desire for her.
When I read about some of the men that the ladies on here have had to deal with my heart sinks.
Life can be hard but loving is easy.

firewalker your wife is so lucky to have you .And the world is a better place with people like you in it .

I love this Life can be hard but loving is easy

In my 30s the only time I could not get an erection would be if I was absolutely blind drunk.

It’s actually very difficult for us men. If you are out of practice sex can be very difficult.

Erection difficulties, premature ejaculation, anxiety about the previous 2 causing erectile problems.

I think though with time and practice it will be easier. It’s a nice thought that a man will perform like a gigolo as and when required but I think it’s seldom the case....unless you find a gigolo who gets his practice elsewhere.

It’s a sad thought but when in my 20s I would get erections all the time and in the most inconvenient situations. But with age and lack of practice they are not as hard as they used to be until almost ejaculating. But I still get a good hard erection every morning when I wake up so I guess physically everything still functions well.

When masturbating (I am forced to be celibate by DW) a cock ring works wonders for a good hard on....sorry if too much info.

A man here, never thing it's you. There could be lots of reasons but performance anxiety is probably high on the list.

I would say that they don't happen always happen by magic, you can go a long way to helping him along. Have a glass of your preferred tipple, invest in some massage oil or lube and help eachother relaxe and get in the mood.

Anxiety and misgivings can cause it. I was once surprised when it occurred in a situation where I wasn't sure what I was doing was right. There can be medical reasons too. I've never experienced the issue with alcohol, the reverse in fact.

I’m in a new relationship with a guy in his early 50s who hadn’t had sex in 10 years before he met me. There had been conception issues in his previous relationship which caused serious performance anxiety. It’s a slow process but we are gradually getting there. Viagra, cock ring/stamina band have both helped, along with laying off any pressure to do penetrative sex in favour of other stuff. We have talked a lot, and been very honest with each other. We are a lot closer, I’ve assured him that for me it’s not a relationship-ending issue, and as he is worrying less, we’re getting better. He has listened to what I like and has got very good at what he does (!) - I have never had so many orgasms. It helps that we’re too old for kids I guess, there’s no pressure on him to perform for that reason. When he first told me I thought it might be a problem, but he is so lovely in every other way, and we get on so well, that I want him to stick around. I don’t have any notions of “fixing him” - I don’t think he would appreciate feeling broken - what I do want is for us both to enjoy being with each other - in and out of bed - and so far, so good.

Guy here!!!
I would give it time OP performance anxiety can be a bitch . I have never actually had any sort of erection problems except When I was 31 (I’m now 34) My now wife pretty much booty called me and I called in after work for at her place.... this pretty much was too overwhelming being in a new house, a bit rushed and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was expected to “perform” and was still coming down from work.
We headed up stairs at the start I couldn’t get hard so we lay on the bed naked and kissed cuddled and stroked... then like a magic wand there he was and we had great sex!!

My advise would be to take all the pressure off, let him lead and whatever you do if it happens again Don’t say “is it me??”
That will only worsen the situation as no man wants to fail at that believe me!!

Good luck.

Great question OP. and i'm loving the guys open honest answers here especially the beautiful @firewalkeruk
great to hear from you all

Can relate to @Anon4002 a lot. With a new partner, it takes a certain mindset to be able to get hard, stay hard, and not cum too quickly. Any anxiety about either of those three compounds the problem. Trying to treat anxiety can compound two out of three.

If you're inexperienced, it's a nightmare. It can actually create a little vicious circle, as a bad experience raises the anxiety for next time. Viagra is actually helpful in rebuilding confidence if you're in a repeating pattern. Just be careful to not use it as a crutch, and work on building yourself up.

Thankfully as you get more experienced, it's pretty easy to build your mental fortitude and become a confident lover with new partners.

Women are generally very nice about sex fails (thank you ladies ) and I had quite a few in my post divorce experiences at 40. It took me 12 months of dating and self development (reading mainly) to find my sexual mojo. All my anxiety was finally gone and I found myself being able to have much more enjoyable sex on both sides. It was wonderful.

Confidence is the most important ingredient in good sex on both sides. I like to think I can bring it the confidence in a partner now, and I thank the ladies that helped me, and had patience with me a few years back 🙂

Guy here-- yes dont take it personally. Erections are both physical and psychological. There can be a myriad of psychological issues which can switch a man off. His brain is screaming lust and desire but his plumbing switches off. I reckon most men have been there at some time or other. Dont make a fuss or talk too much about it or it may well make it worse as it could re-enforce the blocker !

Just take it easy,dont rush things and normal service will probably resume with time when your both more relaxed.

Another common blocker is the condom blocker,, ie if a guy has had a previous committed relationship and has been having sex without condoms then starts a new relationship with,,there can be some wilting !

Guy here,
Unless there are medical reasons, it's really just a nervous thing. Everyone bloke is different (age, fitness etc) but the pressure is unavoidable. Let's face it, to achieve PIV, the penis needs to be erect! Porn gets highlighted in many posts on here, usually with regards to putting pressure on women but it certainly does the same for men by portraying blokes with permanently erect penises. Unfortunately, I do feel that some ladies do just think that it's a simple case of it gets erect and just stays that way until done. Granted, in teenage years this is most definitely the case and indeed some guys stay that way in later years (but probably more the exception than the rule). Would suggest that no, it's not a case of him not being turned on by you just maybe a case of getting it on too soon. Only advice I could give is if an overnight stay is at all possible, wait until the morning to try. Providing a hangover can be avoided, you should both be far more relaxed.

A penis will let you down when you least want it to. Whether it's getting out of a hot tub with a hard on because the bubbles have aroused you or when you're buck naked about to have sex with your fantasy woman. When it's related to sex we are meant to be owners of these tumescent cocks when in real turns the cock owns us. Your brain starts to spiral and before you know it the blood has drained out and your flipping about.

A few pointers - guys have their highest testosterone levels in the morning whereas womens hormones are at their peak at night- mother nature is hilarious isnt she?

Use gravity to help you - a man on his back is his worst enemy - all the blood will drain from his dick (you've all seen police dramas where the body is found and the blood has sunk to the lowest point). For this reason save reverse cowgirl to further down the line - stick to missionary or doggy style where the man can use gravity to his advantage.

If you're not used to condoms then get his to practice with 'posh wanks' (wanking with a condom on).

So in conclusion- it isn't you but it is his little friend messing with his brain. Once he gets over the fact that he has his dream girl he will get there and I hope you have a fabulous time.

If you're not used to condoms then get his to practice with 'posh wanks' (wanking with a condom on).

Mister two questions

how does a condom help ?

why a "posh "wank ?

as delicately as you can, if I may request . I'm an old prude trying to enter a new world .

If you've been used to unprotected sex then suddenly wearing a condom can affect your ability to stay erect as sensation is reduced by the condom no matter how thin it is. Wearing one to wank hopefully gets you used to the reduction in sensation and the droop which may follow.

"Posh wank" because you spend money on it (the price of the condom ) and it leaves no mess to clear up.

@peridito and @MisterT373 - what a great bit of chat!
@peridito I love your polite request for a gentle explanation, as you are trying to “charter new waters” as it were 😁
@Mister - love your explanation, never heard it called that before🤣
This great community truly does offer a public service!

Whatliesbeneath - yes ,every day is a school day on MN .

@MisterT373 ah ,I see now . That was beautifully put ,thank you for respecting my delicate sensibilities . That's fascinating about having the price of a condom upgrading the description .

@Whatliesbeneath707 i totally agree, this is a great section of the site, and this a particularly great thread.