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Original poster

man coming out as bi to new female partner

35 replies

j712adrian · 13/10/2020 10:51

...... that’s just the simple question. Had various non-penetrative experiences with guys since my 20s as a student in downtime between relationships. Occasionally bump into guys I fancy but I would say I’m 90% hetero.

I’m quite happy with myself and do share the info with friends. But how would you feel if a male partner shared that with you?

Horrified, no reaction. mildly turned on or any other reaction inbetween? Any particular reason why?

All advice welcomed.

OP posts:
Rgy3250999 · 13/10/2020 11:49

I don’t think it matters what the general public think if you’re happy with it. Bring it up with any potential partner and they’ll either be interested or not.

HosannainExcelSheets · 13/10/2020 13:37

It's a bit of a test of whether a new girlfriend is right for you, isn't it. If you say you're bi and the new partner doesn't like that, then they don't like you

I'm bi. I recently told a new (opposite sex) partner. They weren't bothered.

obscureone · 13/10/2020 15:14

I would not see you again. Deal breaker for me

StarlightLady · 13/10/2020 15:42

I’d be relaxed about it.

Alonelonelyloner · 13/10/2020 18:07

It would be a no from me. Bad experience.

Sexboardsafename · 13/10/2020 19:57

Wouldn’t bother me but I consider myself bi myself.

Isanyholeagoal · 14/10/2020 00:24

It would be a no from me too. The idea of being with a man who has had sexual relations with other men is a complete turn off. I would appreciate the honesty to make an informed decision though

namechangednorth · 14/10/2020 07:08

Utter deal breaker for me. I would only have ever dated men who desire women.

wishfuldreamer · 14/10/2020 07:34

Not a problem for me...current partner is bi, though like you swings more towards women, and he doesn’t tend to have lasting relationships with men, just hook ups

dinosaurrisotto · 14/10/2020 11:48

I would be concerned that, long term, i wouldn't be able to meet all of your needs and it would just be a matter of time before you were seeking out men. So i'd have to end things for that reason. You'd definitely need to tell a partner that you are bi though, especially if you've been open with friends about it. It would come out at some point, better to come from you.

Fredelliottisayfredelliott · 14/10/2020 11:53

@Isanyholeagoal

It would be a no from me too. The idea of being with a man who has had sexual relations with other men is a complete turn off. I would appreciate the honesty to make an informed decision though
This for me too.
viixie · 14/10/2020 12:28

Complete turn off for me, he'd be gone

edwinbear · 14/10/2020 13:35

I wouldn’t be horrified at all, each to their own after all, but it wouldn’t be for me. I would be concerned that you would want to see men occasionally as well as me and that I wouldn’t be ‘enough’ for me. I’d also worry you were thinking about men when we were having sex.

edwinbear · 14/10/2020 13:36

‘enough for you ‘

wishfuldreamer · 14/10/2020 16:06

I do think that this is sometimes a real misconception/prejudice around bi people, that they will never be 'satisfied' with one person/confined to one gender. Sex is different with each person, regardless of gender - and indeed, that fact is one reason why i choose not to be monogamous - but if you choose to commit to one person, you choose to sacrifice all kinds of new experiences for the sake of that, and that includes those with people of the same gender. I don't know that that is very different.

I kind of find it a bit sad that people find it a bit 'gross' to think of a male partner having slept with another man. I don't know that we would think that was acceptable as regards race, or ethnicity, or weight, and I'm trying to unpick why this should be any more acceptable. It's fair enough if it's an 'ick' response that turns you off, but sometimes it's worth interrogating why we have those responses...

EatDessertFirst · 14/10/2020 16:23

@edwinbear

I wouldn’t be horrified at all, each to their own after all, but it wouldn’t be for me. I would be concerned that you would want to see men occasionally as well as me and that I wouldn’t be ‘enough’ for me. I’d also worry you were thinking about men when we were having sex.
Mostly this. But also the fact that being sexually active with a man who has been sexually active with other men would stop me donating blood (you are asked this specific question on the donation form). I'm not saying thats right btw, its just how it is.
Rgy3250999 · 14/10/2020 16:46

I don’t think most people mean gross per se, but gross in terms of them then having a relationship with them. It’s not different to someone having a past as a stripper or a prostitute and a new partner being put off by that.

If you’re not into anal, it might turn you off to think of your partner rodgering another blokes backside at some point.

Clementine183 · 14/10/2020 17:09

It would turn me on more than turn me off - I'd much rather think of my partner being with other men than other women, though accept I might be unusual in that respect! My only concern would be that feeling a couple of others have mentioned of worrying that he might feel he's missing out on something. I do think it is a bit different from a heterosexual man choosing a monogamous relationship - yes you're still committing to forsaking other sexual partners but the experience of having sex with a man is quite different from having sex with a woman (I imagine!) and not really something that can be replicated. Though in the case of the OP it sounds like it's never really got that far in any case.

SimonJT · 14/10/2020 19:35

Wouldn’t care in the slightest as I’m not biphobic.

lonelySam · 14/10/2020 19:54

Wouldn't bother me.

Jane1978xx · 17/10/2020 12:38

It wouldn’t bother me at all. It’s not a turn off if a man has had previous male partners or experiences. Also bi people aren’t more likely to cheat which seems to be a common misconception. I have been with men and women (I not sure if bi is the right term for me) my boyfriend knows and he doesn’t care at all he just knows I love him

lasttimeround · 18/10/2020 17:56

I'd be concerned that the guy would be ok only having sex with me. Fidelity is important to me. Otherwise it's a total turn on. I like a man whose comfortable in himself. Being bi suggests that to me. I would also consider myself bi, but would never cheat.

Wonderwoman1008 · 18/10/2020 20:51

@Isanyholeagoal

It would be a no from me too. The idea of being with a man who has had sexual relations with other men is a complete turn off. I would appreciate the honesty to make an informed decision though
This for me too.
Jane1978xx · 18/10/2020 22:05

Why is it a turn off they’ve been with other men ? Is it the sex aspect as many straight men would have had multiple female partners and I don’t see the difference. You’ve had other men’s penis in your mouth and vagina and this doesn’t put men off

knucklebutty · 19/10/2020 10:42

yeah, but not up their arseHmm

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