AIBU to be dissatisfied with my sex life

[SameOldThings]

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I would really like to know what you think and if you have any advice that would be very welcome too.
I’m not sure if DH and I have a sex problem or not.
We met when we were at university. I was his first girlfriend. I’d had two boyfriends previously but not much sexual experience (previous long term boyfriend was a Christian so we didn’t do much).
We have been together for 23 years, two kids both at primary school and good sleepers, so no problems there.
I have a feeling I should be more satisfied with my sex life than I am and that I’m just greedy.
Here are the good things - I know I’m lucky for these things:

• we have regular sex. Three times a week, except for when I have PMT/ am menstruating.
• We still fancy each other - have great chemistry in that we are still really into each other when we get down to it.
• he’s a considerate lover, tries his best to satisfy me
• great kissing, nice sized cock
• actual PIV is very passionate
• I orgasm every time we have sex, at least once, but usually more.

I know, I know, IABU, right? Now you can see why I’ve name changed. But I’m dissatisfied in some ways. I’m so embarrassed about this. Well, here goes:

• DH is very shy about sex. Always has been. I waited 6 months before he slept with me as he was so nervous. To be blunt, he is repressed. I am naturally reasonably adventurous, but feel that I now am shy too, because I’ve grown to match him iyswim.
• no oral sex. I think he finds the idea icky. He doesn’t want me to do it to him either, so I can’t really complain. (But I’d love to get down there and express myself!)
• he’s very sensitive. He won’t let me do anything. We kiss, I touch his arms and chest. I can give him a hand job (penis only). We’ve graduated to me being able to kiss him on the neck, but sometimes he pushes me away. I can’t touch his bum or legs.
• we always have sex in the same two positions. We do the same limited repertoire of things in the same order just about every time.
• during sex he is virtually silent. Just makes a little noise when he cums, but used to remain completely silent then too!
• we don’t talk about sex because he’s so touchy about it and he just can’t, and somehow , after all this time I can’t either. We don’t communicate about it.

He is happy with things the way they are. I constantly fantasise about more adventurous sex. Obviously I’m not going to mention those fantasies to him (threesomes😂), but I would like to do more, stuff that is just vanilla would be fine! E.g. oral, different positions, dirty talk (or not even especially dirty talk, just any talk, like that feels good, etc.). Obviously we’ve had this conversation, but more in the form of an argument unfortunately (which is my fault). But then, nothing ever changes (his fault?). So, YABU you’re a lucky cow, be grateful. Or YANBU, yes I would want to sort this out too. Any advice really appreciated. If you got to the end of this, thank you so much!

If anyone can recommend a good book, that would be great too. We both read a lot!
I have a Tracy Cox sex book, but that’s for couples who communicate with each other. I also have a Relate book, but that is more for people with much bigger problems than us. When I say I have books, I ordered them, showed them to DH, but I don’t think he’s really read them!

You have a sex life that some people could only dream about, but if it isn't enough for you then the bottom line is that it isn't enough for you, and you are definitely not being unreasonable to want it to meet your expectations.

I think that you need to open the channels of communication. It isn't going to work if you buy books and expect him to read them. Why not spend some evenings (not when in bed, because that exerts pressure on him) reading the books aloud to him? You can then discuss what might appeal to you.

You have to be honest with him and explain with compassion that to spend the remainder of your lives doing exactly what you now do is not going to be enough for you. For some it might be, but you want to explore some possibilities with him. You are obviously more than capable of expressing yourself, so I am sure you can come up with a way of suggesting things that actually boosts his self-esteem.

I'd be very happy with your sex life!! I suppose it's not the sex that is the problem but him being repressed. Sexual counselling? Or there is a book by Esther Perel might be worth reading

Thank you xpc316e
Your post has given me some things to think about. I think that I have not spoken with compassion to him about this. It’s either, I don’t speak with him at all about it as we just don’t communicate about sex or I let it fester for months, then it bursts out at some time when sex doesn’t go well for whatever reason, I express my feelings without compassion, then nothing changes and the whole cycle starts again. Well obviously, the way I deal with it/ don’t deal with it is damaging.
The idea of reading a book to him is an interesting one. There is just such a huge barrier between us on this. We don’t talk about it.
On the rare occasion we have, I always initiate the conversation and when I suggest things in a positive ‘why don’t we...’, ‘do you think it would be fun if...’ way, he clams up, says okay, yeah okay in a defensive manner and that’s the end of the conversation. Then nothing changes.

Thanks threesecrets
I think I sex counsellor might laugh us out of the office? I’m thinking IABU.
Thanks for the book recommendation. I’ll check that out.

You have obviously tried in the past, but run up against his failure to appreciate the need to to change and this, coupled with the strength of your own feelings, has understandably resulted in frayed tempers. This is such a shame, as a mismatch in libido is not easy to endure in an otherwise happy relationship.

I wonder whether his degree of repression is ever going to respond to gentle nudging on your part. Most of us can be persuaded by our partners to expand our horizons to a limited extent, but perhaps it needs a professional to help in his case. His inability to be touched in certain areas speaks volumes about how tightly laced he is.

As tough as it may be, I would persist if I were you. Sex is such a fundamental part of our lives and so much else in our lives becomes tolerable when we are getting laid well and often. When you love someone, it is natural to want to give them as much pleasure as possible. By denying himself the pleasure of receiving, he denies you the pleasure of giving - you have got yourselves into a lose/lose situation. I wish you good luck in sorting out this issue and hope that you get some useful suggestions as to what steps to take.

Jeez Louise xpc316e are you a sex counsellor?
I’m serious, you’re good 😂
You have hit several nails on the head.

Seems to me to be psychological. The suppression can only come from earlier in his life and therefore he's hardwired to perform in a perfunctory way and everything else is out of bounds, even having conversation about it is out of bounds and makes him uncomfortable and the touching of his other parts are probably due to "it being dirty for a woman to touch you" kind of thing.
So his neural pathways are well and truly fixed and it also seems because of that he is disconnected from his body.
As you're not a psychosexual expert your attempts may drive a wedge further between you. It's difficult to open the door to investigate the reasons why and they have to be willing to open that door.
is he open to counselling? is he willing to go couples counselling? And even more so is he willing to go to sex counselling?

The biggest step change from something close to what you are describing towards what you aspire to has been in my experience been helped by going to a hotel...

I think you really need to get over this oral hurdle. He may be shy but you have certainly been very patient. I certainly would not have waited 6 months.

I suggest you carefully choise your moment where he can’t back out of the discussion. Then, maybe shower together, a long shower, then hopefully you can enjoy what you are missing.

Regular sex is one thing, quality sex is another.

Yanbu. A big part of the joy of sex is being able to explore your lover's body freely .

Thanks so much for your responses. I appreciate that.
noego. Thank you. A lot of what you say rings true, I think he has got a psychological problem with it, but if he thinks sex is dirty, then how come he enjoys any of it? I think he likes the effect things he does have on me (although I’m guessing, as he is silent). He’s fine with touching me with his hands (but I notice when he surreptitiously wipes them afterwards!! Honestly, that upsets me a little).
I’m wondering if it’s sensory issues. He says ‘it tickles’ ‘it’s too sensitive’. I think he’s a little disgusted by bodily fluids maybe. I don’t know if he can get over that.
I think your suggestion about couples counselling is an interesting one, but surely that’s for people who have real problems? Such as psychological ED, or inability to orgasm?
I don’t know, I feel like I’m being fussy and a counsellor would say ‘sounds pretty good to me, what are you moaning about?’

I don't want to derail your thread OP but l love these questions where the "regulars" comment and offer such good advice.
I see the post and think "here's one for @StarlightLady - she's the person you need if oral is mentioned."
Like you OP, I have often read the responses from @xpc316e and thought "what a wise old sage he is." No offence re: the old @xpc316e! Your replies are very kind, eloquent and absolutely to the point! I too wonder what job you do in real life: counsellor, teacher or some sort of professional/trainer?
What a great community this is. I hope things improve for you OP - you are totally justified in what you are wanting. 😊

i think a gentle discussion and maybe him seeing a psychosexual counsellor might help if this is to do with being repressed or it might confirm to him that he is who he is.

At the end of day some people are just less sexual that others.

lebanon. Yep. I feel like we’re missing out on a lot of fun. I have said to DH that I would like sex to be playful. It’s so serious. If I direct him, e.g. (soft voice), ‘more gently’, then he always apologises, while sounding slightly pissed off, like I’ve criticised him. I don’t require an apology- he hasn’t done anything wrong! So I feel bad for saying it, like I’ve made him feel bad.
When I type that I’m really surprised how upset I am about that.
If sex was more fun, if we communicated about it, then it would be better. I’ve told him this. But he can’t lighten up.
Sometimes I wonder, does he really enjoy this? I find myself second guessing him sometimes during sex, thinking ‘does he really want to do that (e.g. suck my nipples) or is he just doing it because he thinks he has to? Are my breasts too saggy? Oh god, do my armpits smell?’ It’s off putting . 😂 Obviously it would be off putting for him if my armpits smell, but I do wash, honest.
It’s foreplay that’s our problem area, always has been. Actual PIV is fine, usually good.

Thanks starlight lady. Like what lies beneath, I am also a fan. Seriously.
I say to myself, if me and DH ever split up, I will definitely adopt your ‘no oral, no entry’ policy!😂
The oral is definitely a hurdle, a hurdle as big as the Empire State Building for us.
I love the shower idea, but you haven’t seen our shower. It’s a bit shit.

Actually really like the shower idea. He would not go for it at the moment.
Has anyone dealt with a similar situation without having counselling?

live and let pie
Thank you for your advice, and I can see that would be good if he was open to improving things. He isn’t.
We’ve also never had a night away from the kids and that option is just not available to us.

whatlies
Yes, I completely agree with you about this community. The sex board is a hidden gem of Mumsnet (literally- it doesn’t show up on active threads, does it?).
And thank you. But I think many people who don’t come on this board regularly would say I’m being ridiculous and selfish.

At the end of day some people are just less sexual that others.
Yep. wherearemymarbles he is less sexual than me. When I went off sex during pregnancy and for a few months after, he honestly couldn’t care less.

What I mean is, he never asked for it or made any moves. Very considerate really, you could say.

starlightlady
Incidentally, while replying to your post, that Bob Dylan song from Blonde on Blonde started going through my head - Starlight Lady of the lowlands.
Except then I googled it and that’s not the song at all. It’s Sad-eyed lady of the lowlands.
Which is not how I see you. At. All.
You can see where my brain was going with it though can’t you?

I believe you should be disappointed with your sex life and the fact you are posting suggests you feel the same way. Maybe you are looking for some kind of affirmation that things are ok.

For me, as another poster has said, its quantity over quality. One great session per week would be much better than what you have.

It has to start with the communication. You are missing out on soooo much pleasure. Good luck

Thank you to those of you for your kind words; I try to help. But you can’t change upbringing. Mum was pretty cool when it came to talking sex with my sister and I. She used to say if something doesn’t feel nice stop doing it.

I remember a post on MN a while back about someone who would not do oral because “that is where wee comes from”. Now, to be candid, when you wipe after you have been to the loo, you use your hands and you eat with those. It’s just a matter of washing.