AIBU to be dissatisfied with my sex life

[SameOldThings]

Test

The reason I mentioned couples counselling OP is maybe it will help you communicate with each other better when it comes to sex. It is obviously a bridge that needs to be crossed. If he sees a counsellor on his own there may be some deep seated issues that can come out regarding his view of sexuality and sex counselling to help you discover each other intimately again. A kind of fresh start.

Get him pissed so he lowers his guard and then talk about what you Want to try.

I’m a therapist and we don’t tend to tell clients that their feelings aren’t valid. If you were my clients I would be very gently and sensitively exploring all that you raise. I would also wonder if there are other areas in your marriage that you feel lack of connection and difficulties with communication.

@StarlightLady

Thank you to those of you for your kind words; I try to help. But you can’t change upbringing. Mum was pretty cool when it came to talking sex with my sister and I. She used to say if something doesn’t feel nice stop doing it.

I remember a post on MN a while back about someone who would not do oral because “that is where wee comes from”. Now, to be candid, when you wipe after you have been to the loo, you use your hands and you eat with those. It’s just a matter of washing.

That was me and my wife's aversion to oral sex. A lot of what the OP says resonates with me. I don't think she'll change which saddens me.

Wow, thanks again for all the replies everyone. I’m honestly so grateful that you would bother taking the time.
Several of you have mentioned couples counselling, which suggests that DH’s attitude to sex is something psychological that could be explored. I have googled local ones. Thank you for confirming @sacredspace that you would listen respectfully. But, secretly, would you judge me as being selfish and ungrateful?
I tried to start a conversation with DH this evening and he was immediately defensive. Bearing in mind We’d had the same old discussion (row) about everything I’ve mentioned in this thread. It went like this:
Me: So I was thinking, what do you think about how we are as a couple?
DH: oh , what do you mean, we’re fine
Me;I was thinking, you know about our (Miranda comedy whisper) SEX life.
DH: I thought we’d sorted that out the other night.
(We hadn’t. I’d expressed frustration in a not nice or compassionate way during sex, but then 15 minutes later we’d had make up sex anyway).
Me: well... not really. I think we have some things that we could work on together. I think our sex life is good in many ways, but we have some problems.
DH: why are you having a go at me?
Me: I said WE not YOU.
The problem is I haven’t behaved perfectly over this, far from it. When I get fed up with it after a few months I explode in a rant, so obviously he feels like any time I say anything, I’m attacking him.

So maybe counselling or @Anotherbloke1 I also love your down to earth approach 😂.
Has anyone successfully worked something out like this with a partner?

@noego I really wonder what on earth his deep seated issues could be? He comes from a lovely family, although they wouldn’t express negative emotions healthily. Not in an abusive way, but in a days long silent treatment styley.

Do you think he has never actually had a blowjob??

He definitely hasn’t because I was his first girlfriend and he has never let me.

Persuade him to let you ......

Ask yourself this question.

"Why are two adults whispering about sex and their sex life???"

As you lower your voice to a whisper implies there is something secretive and between two loving adults in a relationship it shouldn't be.

There is something deep down there that suggests sex wasn't spoken about in a grown up way when growing up.

@SameOldThings I absolutely would not judge either of you secretly or otherwise. Although there are many plus points you identify, there are also some really key things missing, eg communication, intimacy, connection. Generally those things are important in a sexual relationship, so I definitely would not feel you are selfish or ungrateful.

Could you not introduce things gradually. You say you only do 2 positions could they not be modified slightly in the heat of the moment

Would a nice meal couple of glasses of wine maybe help him relax maybe take turns to give each other a massage

Its tricky as he won’t discuss it and obviously you can’t and shouldn’t force someone to do things they aren’t comfortable with but you aren’t satisfied and he should be willing to try and fix it

I dont think you are at all being unreasonable to want more varied and fulfilled intimacy with your partner. The core issue is the inability to communicate with each other and his feelings of repression. I think you need some counselling to help you both explore this more thoroughly and carefully. Good luck.

Hi @SameOldThings, I’ve read all of the comments and I think what I’ve gauged is this is a deep-rooted issue, the washing of hands after using fingers and the absence of giving and receiving oral sex, is not a normal response during intimacy. I don't think pushing him to give or receive is going to make a difference, I think the more you push the subject the worse he will become about wanting to resolve the situation, he’s clearly not comfortable with oral sex and I think the best solution would be sex counselling, if he’s open to this idea but it appears that he doesn’t see it as a problem, based on his responses and if he doesn’t see that it is a problem for you that needs to be resolved, then I’m not sure if sex counselling will work. You do however mention that you orgasm through PIV every time you have sex, so there is an element of satisfaction in your sex life but you want more, which is perfectly understandable.

What happens if you try and change the two positions?

A big part of the joy of sex is being able to explore your lover's body freely

Hmm no to the word “freely” that implies you are in charge of the other persons body, it must always be with consent and that is not “freely”