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Hiding masturbation from partner

39 replies

Dadbodlovestory · 30/07/2020 17:12

Bit of a survey question. Im married and have a reasonable sex lofe with the odd dey patch. 2 young kids. I still mssturbate about twice per week. Im pretty sure husband does too.

However we never talk about it and there seems to be an unwritten code of silence in our marriage. Not really sure why this is !

So do you still madturbate in hapoy relationship? Do you tell other half??

If you dont how do you get some sneaky alone time ? Especially if you have kids in tow

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xpc316e · 30/07/2020 20:50

We all masturbate, or most of us do, whether or not we are in relationships that are sexually satisfactory. The thing is that it is private and even though we may have relationships with no secrets being kept from the other person, we are under no obligation to tell them of our solitary pleasures and they have no right to know.

I was once in a 15 year marriage with a woman who saw my having a wank as some kind of betrayal. She would always ask me whether I had masturbated and would go to great lengths to find out the truth. She was a jealous control freak and this was just one element of her poisonous character. Her behaviour eventually ruined what we had and I left. I would suggest that wanting to control this most intimate aspect of a partner is weird.

You have your wanks, and let him have his.

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maggie1862 · 30/07/2020 21:20

No I don't but suspect DH does sometimes after I get up first in the morning, I don't have a problem with that .
Our sex live together is good if I felt the need to walk then I would .

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StarlightLady · 31/07/2020 07:14

Masturbation is healthy and addressess different needs to 1:1 sex. It is all about me and l participate regularly.

I’ve had quite a number of partners and never made a secret or big deal of it. I do it, l enjoy it. And significantly more than twice a week.

Once in a while, it’s nice to be held by someone at the same time, but with no other partipation required.

As with all relationships though, the secret is to communicate. Don’t make itvout to be a great taboo.

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Dadbodlovestory · 31/07/2020 09:11

Thanks starlight.

Im not bothered by it at all. Just wondering how it practically works to be so open. Do you just say ' im off for a quick buzz. Give me 30 min ' ???

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StarlightLady · 31/07/2020 09:20

I’ve never felt the need to announce it.

In the wider scheme of things, l would add that in my view, no woman will get the full benefits of sharing her body with another, unless she has fully discovered her own.

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Dadbodlovestory · 31/07/2020 09:34

Dont know if you have children but how do you find time ? For me either got children or husband in so have to be a bit secretive

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StarlightLady · 31/07/2020 12:22

Bathtime? You can even pick up a waterproof vibey quite cheaply.

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noego · 31/07/2020 14:02

All my friends know not to call me before 10.00 am :)

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mellowww · 02/08/2020 23:44

I prefer to do it lying next to him. He mostly does it in private (I think! Or maybe he just doesn't?!).

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Opentooffers · 03/08/2020 11:05

Lol, not living together, but sometimes ask each other if we've had a fumble lately, quite open about it. Don't think I'd announce it in advance, that might seem like an invitation to some, which is not necessarily what you're after at the time

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Skysblue · 03/08/2020 23:54

Yes. I mostly do it if I can’t sleep, or to get rid of a hormone headache.

It’s normal. But he knows and I know he does too, we joke about it and do it together etc. If you feel weird that you don’t talk about it maybe in a foreplay session ask if you can watch him touch himself for a while?

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Namechangecringe · 04/08/2020 11:12

Both of us still do and have a healthy sex life. As Others have said it meets a different need.

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Dadbodlovestory · 04/08/2020 11:59

When do you get time to do it so your partner or kids not there?

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Rewis · 04/08/2020 15:21

I masturbate. My bf knows (or he knows I have a vibrator so I assume) but I'd rather keep it private. It's not an issue in my opinion unless it starts to replace sex. The problem at the moment is finding the privacy to do it. We live in a small flat and due to CV19 we both are home at the same time all the time. I could technicallly say that I need to bedroom for 15min but it is not very relaxing.

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mellowww · 05/08/2020 07:31

@Dadbodlovestory

When do you get time to do it so your partner or kids not there?

When they're asleep and he's the shower or out? When home at lunchtime?
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user1472151176 · 05/08/2020 15:51

My bathroom is my quiet space. Usually when I get an early night. I don't hide it from my husband and will happily do it in front of him in the right moment but I don't tell him when I do but if he asked I wouldn't deny it. Its good to have alone time, we don't need to be that open all the time. I don't think he does it as much as me but we are having a bit of a dry patch (frustratingly). Been married 10 years and have 2 young kids. Lockdown has definitely taken it toll!

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schmalex · 05/08/2020 16:34

I do it in the shower while my hair mask's on. My vibrator's so effective it doesn't take long!

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Complex1950 · 05/08/2020 21:57

I feel silly writing this but I get almost anxiety over thinking about my partner masturbating as although I understand every one does it and men do it whether they are in a good relationship or not i can’t stand the thought of him fantasing over other women whilst he’s doing it. My point is whilst your ok with your husbands having a wank are you not bothered that he is probably thinking of someone he works with or one of your friends or someone off the tv, an ex etc? I know I’m being daft but it does upset me - but I keep that to myself I’d never mention it to him or I become that crazy ex someone mentioned earlier in the thread . Prob doesn’t help he spends nights away in a hotel on business then isn’t interested in being intimate with me the night he returns . I think it’s all linked.

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cantknowwhoiam · 05/08/2020 23:22

My partner and I don't live together so regularly have a solo play and go to great lengths to tell each other about it too. Big turn on for the both of us!

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AnonUser2018 · 06/08/2020 09:09

I'm married with dc. I do it in the bath or say I'm having an early night when kids asleep and go to bed and have some alone fun then. Have started giving up on vibrators as they're too quick and I was relying on them to orgasm on the odd occasion dh and I did have sex.

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Alonelonelyloner · 06/08/2020 21:04

@Complex1950 with my ex I was exactly this way. With my current partner (who is a frequent wanker) I have no such worries. It literally doesn't bother me. I was utterly downhearted and jealous with my ex. I've thought a lot about the difference and I can only think that it's to do with how loved I feel.

I was with my ex a long time but, now I look back, I felt invisible and unattractive. Of course his fantasising about other women would hurt. Now I'm with someone who I know is just a very sexual person, chooses only to have sex with me and shares his feelings and fantasies with me if I ask.

I think your feelings are valid and may be indicative of a general lack of intimacy from your man.

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Complex1950 · 06/08/2020 21:39

[quote Alonelonelyloner]@Complex1950 with my ex I was exactly this way. With my current partner (who is a frequent wanker) I have no such worries. It literally doesn't bother me. I was utterly downhearted and jealous with my ex. I've thought a lot about the difference and I can only think that it's to do with how loved I feel.

I was with my ex a long time but, now I look back, I felt invisible and unattractive. Of course his fantasising about other women would hurt. Now I'm with someone who I know is just a very sexual person, chooses only to have sex with me and shares his feelings and fantasies with me if I ask.

I think your feelings are valid and may be indicative of a general lack of intimacy from your man.[/quote]
You’ve said a few things there I could totally relate to . Thank you . I was married for 10 years previously and I never felt jealous or ever thought about him masturbating ever, I certainly never felt threatened by it. But then I have to question if I really loved him as I ended that marriage due to other issues. My partner I’ve been with 3 years we have a 6 month old together and I’m completely in love with him but I’ve never felt so low in confidence or unattractive since getting with him. There’s been a lot of lies in the beginning of the relationship about another woman which did resolve themselves and we moved on. Then lying about porn use and the fact he’s only really attracted to really skinny women with big fake boobs and I’m 5 ft 7 and a size 16 so not skinny at all. I’m at slimming world ive lost 2 stone trying to get as slim as possible in the hope he notices me more. I Constantly compare myself to the women he ogles in the street on the tv and in the paper. He even told me he never found me attractive when we met but fell in love with me and That he now realises looks aren’t everything. He’s always telling me how much he loves me he’s asked me to marry him and weve set a date for next year. We do get on really well and have the same thoughts and opinions on life etc but I genuinely have this gut instinct he doesn’t find me sexually attractive. Hed never admit it. He’s not very adventurous in the bedroom and never instigates sex with me it’s always me putting the effort in . We’re not allowed to use toys he doesn’t see why I need any ? He admits before meeting me he would watch porn every night snd maturbste. So I know he has a sexual urge. He’s been married before which broke down when his wife had an affair. She is 5ft 9 and a size 6!!!! The most ironic thing of all is how super confident I used to be before I met him. Now I hate my looks and figure. He isn’t typical good looking by any stretch to other people , he has good athletic body but slim and short bald glasses and bony features but to me he’s very attractive and I can’t get enough of him and I do love him. Loads of people in the beginning said he’s punching above his weight with me and that I could loads better but to me I couldn’t he was amazing to me . Some people esp at my work have called us the beauty and the beast. Bit harsh. So why I get so anxious about his masturbsting is because of all these other issues. I get this totally isn’t normal.

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Alonelonelyloner · 06/08/2020 23:24

@Complex1950 I could've written your post. My original was going to be something very similar unjust didn't want to presuppose too much.

My ex and Iberer together a loooong time and for me he was so gorgeous, funny etc, but he said little things which made me feel bad. Only little things, but it's like a waterfall effect. I eventually drowned. I felt so ugly. I got an eating disorder trying to be skinny. He never saw me without makeup. I lost ME. I lost all confidence. It has taken me 20 years to finally say fuck that and move on.
Of course you're jealous of your man thinking about other women. I was because I was never good enough and I was insecure.
It took its toll.

Now I'm with someone who thinks of gorgeous. Sure it's not all plain sailing, but do I worry about stretch marks or my wobbly Arse? No I don't. Ever.

If you ever want to chat feel free to pm me. Smile

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Alonelonelyloner · 06/08/2020 23:25

Sorry for the typos. I'm sober I swear!

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jessstan2 · 06/08/2020 23:25

It's a private thing, no need to discuss it at all.

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