Do we just get sluttier as we get older?

[notevenat20]

(Please excuse the title if it offends anyone. It's just meant to be fun.)

Let me explain.

When I was a teenager it was all kissing, fingering (usually v. bad) and giving blow jobs. The first and third I enjoyed. Once I had given a few blow jobs, I couldn't see a reason not to give a blow job to any new boyfriend, so that is what I did.

Later I started having sex and that was good too. After a few years, if I was kissing a new man and fancied him, I couldn't see any reason not to have sex with him straight away especially if we were in a relationship but not exclusively. So that is what I did.

Later on I had a boyfriend who said he didn't want a blow job unless I swallowed. So I decided to give it a go and now that is what I always do (it's better than I feared). So whenever I give a blow job, I always swallow, unless he really wants to cum on my body for some reason.

Later on, I had anal sex with a new man and, after a number of not-much-fun-attempts I got really good at it. Now I have done this a lot I can't really see a reason not to have anal sex straight away with any new man who wants to if I start a new relationship. So that is what I do.

And so on...

So if I start a new relationship, from day one I am happy to do any of the above and maybe a little more. If I think of what I would have said about such a woman when I was 20, I think I would have called her a slut. I imagine if I dated a young man, he might be quite shocked too.

Do we all just get sluttier as we get older? Or do some women reset when they start every relationship and start again from the kissing stage?

I should add that I have no complaints about anything I have done. I am very comfortable with saying no. I had one boyfriend who really wanted me to wax (intimately). I tried it once and hated it and will never do that again.

I don't know about sluttier but I think some things come with better self awareness which of course increases as you grow older . As you become more in tune with your own sexuality, preferences , needs and desires you become more adventurous . I find myself doing things now I'd never have dreamed of ten years ago but I wouldn't have been ready to enjoy that kind of pleasure at that stage .

Can’t for the life of me think why you put ‘sluttier’ when you meant ‘more experienced’. It’s not light-hearted, it’s offensive, interpreting female sexual experience through a patriarchal lens rather than the lens of celebrating human development. And sure, yes of course we are more experienced as we get older 🤷‍♀️

Women are increasingly taking back ownership of the word slut. I'm currently reading The Ethical Slut and, next week, attending a workshop entitled "How to be a Slut". Historically, it's been used to silence and shame sexually adventurous women but I think that attitude is changing.

And... yes OP... definitely much sluttier now I'm older, more experience and liberated.

Yep!

Can’t for the life of me think why you put ‘sluttier’ when you meant ‘more experienced’.

I definitely didn't mean to upset anyone. When talking about myself I think of slutty as sexy and carefree but with a hint of self-criticism for being so carefree. I would never call anyone else slutty! If it reminds anyone of something unpleasant in their lives then please accept my apologies.

For me "experienced" means something very different. If I am sexually experienced then that just means I have had a lot of sex. I really mean that I am happy to have sex, swallow, do anal etc. with a new man quite quickly after I meet them these days where I would never have done that when I was younger. If it happens to be lots of men in quick succession that is fine too. (That never actually happens I should add...sadly.) The word I liked to use for describing my new self was sluttish but any other word that expresses the same idea will do.

Yes, I’m probably bringing baggage to this, I don’t think the word ‘slutty’ or ‘slut’ will ever do anything for me but make me want to punch the nearest fuckwit 1970s/1980s man 😂

No big issue with the word slut I see It mainly like OP described. And as I have become older I have defo become more It, lol

40s here. I have become more body confident and more sexually assertive as l have got older. And proud of it.

I know what l want and won’t put up with second best. No oral, no entry, and l don’t want my body covered in goo!

I agree with the comment about confidence as opposed to slutty. However, yes as I got a little older, in a marriage with a husband that likes to try new things I have tried to go with him. So tried things to surprise him, including dressing in more "slutty"clothes for bed and sex I found he loves as a treat. Sometimes going out for a meal and having more adventurous lingerie on such as an open fronted thong all adds excitement to it and anticipation. And yes we have tried dirty talk in the bedroom and at times he (in the throws of passions) has called me slutty.

We both know what it means and just makes for a happy adventurous sex life which is part of e glue for our marriage. We both know it is important as you only have to read other sad posts on MN as to how relationships have died due to lack of sex.

So yes confidence/slutty..whatever you call it, if it keeps things spicy and active it isn't a bad thing

We met as teenagers and I have always thought that it took around 6 months to have sex. My wife believed it to be more like 8 months. Turns out, after finding her diary, it was a year. With age (50s) she is very body confident and not comparable to the 17 year old I met. She also has a freedom about sex and certainly a 'lets give it a try' approach. I think it was around her early 40s that she really started to change and become more confident with knowing what she wanted. Over the last year she has surprised me with what she likes! Not sure if that is similar to others. I would say that HRT has helped as well.

Well done OP for knowing yourself.

IME age doesn't come into it. Over the years I've been with lovers of all age groups and some where wild and free in their 20's/30's and more confident than older women and wiling to try anything.
I've met some that just do not like oral. I've met some that hadn't had an orgasm until their 40's. I've met divorced women who had been married for a long time and had a very limited sex life, very limited, very vanilla and had no understanding of how their body works.
I've met some older women that are very shy and very inhibited and not willing to experiment conversely I've met older women who want to try everything and go at it with wild abandon after realising what they had been missing :)

So I don't think you can stereotype "older" women as more experienced or slutty.

So I don't think you can stereotype "older" women as more experienced or slutty.

I don't think this makes sense. You can't get less experienced as you get older but you can get less slutty. My question is about individuals. That is do we women get more slutty as we get older. This has nothing to do with comparing one woman against another.

The answer so far looks like a clear yes. I am say hooray for that :)

You can use the word slut all you want as far as I'm concerned. Worst culprits for slut shaming are other women. I've become immune to it now. They can't touch me and if i know my sex life is better than theirs

For me it wasn't necessarily age, but more about finding the right partner.

I have no issue with the use of 'slutty' in this context, but for me it's definitely more about confidence.

I ditched my hideous ex H and now have the most beautiful, loving DP who makes me feel amazing outside of the bedroom, and that just translates into incredible, uninhibited sex.

He tells me how much he loves me and my body, which makes me feel confident (I'm 34 and a size 12 but have zebra-style stretch marks and a shelf after two c-sections). As a result I'm totally comfortable experimenting with him and telling what I want and what feels good.

@PinotPony are you polyamorous? I’m (respectfully) interested in your choice of reading and curious. Hope you don’t mind me asking.... Think I’m heading that way

I think just more confident and aware of what we like and want

Hi @Happygolucky55

Yes, but I did meet my partner on a swinging site!

At first we were just fuck buddies, then got emotionally involved and became jealous when the other went off on a date. Long conversation about how neither of us wanted a conventional BF/GF relationship so decided we'd only play together or with others in a group setting. I thought I would just tolerate it but surprisingly found I enjoyed watching him with other women.

Now we're at a point where we're secure enough in our relationship that we're starting to play with others individually. Takes a lot of honest communication about how we both feel.

I don't buy into the idea that you need to settle down with one man for the rest of your life. And I don't think one man can meet all my needs! There are things I like that DP is happy to outsource!

For me, ethical non-monogamy isn't about the number of people you sleep with, it's about the care and respect you afford them.

Feel free to drop me a DM if you want to chat more...

Littlemix1 I definitely agree with what you said but I think there is more to it. I also care a lot less about people thinking I might be “easy”. I wasn’t as confident but I did know what I wanted when I was younger. But I also knew I wasn’t “allowed” to have sex with a man on a first date.

I definitely have, in a good way, got a lot sluttier.
I had a gorgeous bf who I fancied to death when I was 17 and he fancied me desperately too. we snogged for hours and got up to all kinds of stuff - it was delicious - but we very rarely had pants off and in the end, I think we had sex twice.

Since then I had a series of boyfriends and in retrospect none of them were that sexually satisfying (not as satisfying as that first boy, even though we had so many self imposed limits). I stayed in some terrible relationships (not just sexually) for literally years because it didn't occur to me that you could get sex from someone who wasn't your boyfriend, and I was so sexually frustrated that I didn't care cut off the one meagre source of some sort of sex that I had. (very cynical view of everything I was doing, but I honestly think on some level that was absolutely what was happening, even as I used language, even to myself, about how I "loved" him and "wanted to make it work").

My longest relationship, with the father of my children, was sexually abysmal. The sex was never great and in the last at least 2 years or so, there was none.

About a year after we separated, when I was 45, I just woke up one day and thought "I remember sex!" I had no intention of fucking up my painstakingly restored life with another shit relationship. I went on tinder and had the most magnificent year of sex. It was like a hobby. I had a brilliant portfolio of delicious men. All different. Some of them were a lot younger than me. I was clear with all of them that I required respect, friendliness, a good time, and no exclusivity. Many men of course can't do all that, or even part of it, and they got short shrift. They were nice guys and one or two of them were really sweet to me as well - all fun, friendly and interesting, but some of them really made me feel supported with a kind of tenderness that my ex had never shown me.
I had sex in a way that I had never done before. I expected to be pleased and I went for it. It was amazing. I could never have enjoyed sex this much before because I could never have been so direct about what I wanted. Sex delivered some pleasure to me, sometimes, as a by-product. this was completely different. This was the whole aim of the game and if he wasn't on board with the project, he didn't get a chance.

After about a year of this, I met someone amazing and very quickly stopped seeing other men. Eventually I fell in love; but before that, the sex was incredible and that was why he was the only one I was seeing. It still is. He is very happy that I have learned to enjoy sex and to get what I want because I think that is a huge part of what he enjoys.

he said "When I was a very young man, in my first relationships, I thought that women just didn't like sex like men do". I think it is very hard for very young women to like sex. It is very hard to set it all up so that it is in a form that is for you, and about you. I think he was probably with women like I was - who had it in them to be passionate about sex, but never thought they could be direct and assertive about it, and subsisted on crumbs from the master's table.

(or perhaps he was a crap lover back then)
(impossible! he is amazing)

I became someone’s mistress in my mid twenties. It was a mutual sex only relationship. Loved every minute and I suspect DH is eternally grateful to ‘someone’ for unleashing the ‘slut’ in me.
It was like having a sex tutor and showed me that men are able to put you first. My confidence soared and enabled me to have no worries initiating sex.
DH and I have had a cool few years due to work and DC but are now rediscovering our sexual relationship including exploring new stuff. I’m sort of glad we’ve not tried everything in the past because it has led to a whole new chapter.

I'm much more confident now. I will approach a man if I fancy him, and yes if I want sex I will. But I'm unlikely to kiss a man or even look at a man I'm not attracted to.

I know what I like and what I want, and am not ashamed of it.

My experience is the opposite actually.. I would say I was a lot more willing to try anything in my 20s, my focus was on appearing sexually adventurous to a male partner and so I would want to seem open to anything to portray an image of myself as sexually liberated and adventurous. Now in my late 30s I'm a lot more boundaried and only do things I like and enjoy, my focus is on my pleasure first, his second, and I am having the best sex ever. Which fits with my current male partner as he is a natural sub anyway.

Provided you are doing these additional things because you enjoy them, then there is no issue.

I agree, @PinotPony - though not being limited is also great. Bloody covid...ruining my fun, ha!

How have you found the Ethical Slut? I tried listening to the audiobook last summer and found the narration too annoying...perhaps i should get the print edition, given it is the Poly Bible...

@Happygolucky55 - also happy to chat, though I might be a bit newer at things than @PinotPony...

dammit, pressed send too quickly. With regards to the OP, i have definitely got more interested in experimenting and pushing my limits as i've got older. I think part of this is about self-confidence, and part of it just being older and knowing other things exist at all. I'm loving it - i feel like i'm having the best sex of my life, and I couldn't be happier. and i'll happy retake the word 'slut' ;-)