SEX - Am I a pervert, is she frigid or is it somewhere in between?

[daddk]

I am 45 married to my DW (43) with three DC (10, 7 and 4). We have been together for about 22 years!

All in all I am happy with the family we have built and the life we have and I love my DW but one thing has always been a bit of a problem – SEX!

Ever since we started going out she has always been a bit shy and in my opinion a bit unimaginative. None of us have great experience with other long-term boy or girlfriends. There have been others but no other serious relationships.

Already in the early years our relationship I was frustrated with our sex life. In my opinion she never took any initiative and the sex was always the same. I grew up in Scandinavia with easy access to porn and she was from a traditional British family. I wanted to experiment but she was not up for anything. However I loved her. She was fun, she was sexy and we got on in all other aspects of life. I brought it up from time to time but nothing ever changed. About seven years into our relationship we had our biggest relationship crises and I told her that it was not working because of the unexciting sex. However I loved her and our life in general together was great so we stayed together.

Sex remained an issue and I kept bringing it up from time to time but nothing changed. Then we had our first child. Sex during pregnancy was of limits. I took care of myself and remained loyal (never been unfaithful). After birth it took time to get back into sex but we did and our second DC arrived. Same story and a few years later our third DC was here.

Everyday life has taken over and sex has decreased more and more. Now it is every 4-8 weeks and always on my initiative. She does not seem to miss it.

I feel that we are drifting apart. In my opinion she no longer shows much affection outside of the bedroom. A peck on the cheek and quick hug but with no passion. The passion is completely gone in the bedroom as well and it seems sheer obligation on her part. I get the impression she feels the faster the sex is over and done with the better.

As mentioned I keep bringing the subject up and as many other men I have probably chosen the wrong times and put pressure on my DW. I have read numerous advice on websites and carefully tried to put the ball in her court and said that I would like to talk to her about sex when she is ready. However nothing ever happens and she never brings it up. I have tried apps where both parties can tick what they like. She does not complete it. I have send her long text messages trying to express my despair of the state of our marriage but all I got back was a sad smiley. I have printed “yes, no, maybe” sheets and gone through them but she says “no” to most if she knows what it is (she was not sure what a 69 meant and it was a reluctant maybe).

Because of the children we have often slept in different bedrooms which I at times have actually preferred because I could get on my phone to watch porn and take care of myself like a sad teenager. She knows about this and finds it utterly degusting.

I love her and still find her attractive. I buy her lingerie, which just ends up in the draw. The children are getting better at sleeping in their own beds and we spend more time in the same bed but she just wants to cuddle up. I feel that I am just a big teddy or hot water bottle.

When we have sex it tends to be the same procedure. She will suck me off for a bit, or give me a hand job then she goes on top an rub herself against my penis. Occasionally she goes on top or it is the missionary position. She does not like me licking her or fingering her. She finds sperm gross so mostly I come on myself. Maybe I am influenced by the porn industry but I would love her take pleasure in making me come and let me come on her. She never shows any real pleasure (no moans or groans) and she has never had an orgasm to my knowledge. That upsets me immensely and I am devastated that I as her man don’t really know what makes her tick and can bring her to climax.

For all these years we have had sex and despite not being fully satisfied with our love life I still found her sexy and love being with her despite her lack of involvement.

I don’t know if it is a midlife crises or the fact that she seems to show less and less affection to me but I am starting to feel really depressed and even resentment towards her at times. I love her and the thought of us splitting up upsets me. I want us to work. I want us to be passionate.

She seems to be happy in the role as parent and put schoolwork, water bottles, children’s activities etc. before anything else. I feel we have become just like friends rather than a couple.

We struggle to communicate about anything and I have asked into what her thoughts are about the lack of sex but she is not very responsive. I have suggested we could try counselling but she is not open for this. She is not on any medication that can affect her libido but maybe she should see a doctor? (not sure she will see the need for this). I feel I have been open, approachable and sincere but everything I do seem to be ignored. She thinks I am obsessed. I see this as very serious but I get the impressions she thinks “not again” every time I try to bring it up.

Anybody who has been or are in a similar situation? Any suggestions? What can I do? Am I approaching this completely wrong?

The obsessed pervert?

@ponchek

I don't agree with your assertion of 50% and also reading on MN there are plenty of women desperate that their OH isn't interested in them

Plus women/men that are like this know deep down what they are risking but think it won't happen. A couple we are friends with are no longer a couple. They had a delightful life, well off as he was very highly paid but she spent more time with coffee mornings shopping for designer clothes etc and no time maintaining their marriage. He tried and tried to talk to her and in the end he left!

No OW, great dad and continues to be and stayed single for three years. She was gutted and pleaded with him to come back but he refused. Sensibly he said she couldn't change and was realistic. He paid her spousal for a few years voluntarily which has now stopped and she is hard up as she didn't go out and develop a career again

I still see them both. She is so regretful but I think it is down to the comfortable life she has lost (money) which she admits eventually. He has remarried, lovely wife who is is in full knowledge of why he left

So head in sand at your peril but I admire him he wasn't going to condemn himself to a life of a wife thinking she was a WAG but no intimacy.

She is very angry but struggles to articulate what she is angry with him about!!!

Sorry to say it, but the relationship is dead in the water, and I think you need to accept that and move on.

I'm sorry to say but she is simply not into sex or intimacy and never will be.

It shouldn't be this hard.

There are so many threads on here where women are giving each other advice saying that life is too short for crap sex and to LTB, or he should go and see a Dr etc, etc.

I fully appreciate that to end a marriage and all the emotional, tangible and intangible things that go with it over what sounds on paper 'just because of sex', but ultimately you are unhappy and should not feel bad about that.

Your emotions and needs are just as important as anyone else's and nobody could or should blame you for going your separate ways if what you have has turned into a marriage of convenience.

I wish you luck, but from where I'm sitting, I cannot see her changing, nor you accepting the status quo long term.

You’re not a pervert OP and she is not frigid as such, though sadly for her the wonderful world of sexual enjoyment has not opened up. What you both are is incompatible.

I’m having an affair with a married man whose wife sounds very much like yours. She has never been keen and he always has been. They finally stopped trying 5 years ago. He has had no strings encounters for a few years which have scratched his itch physically but in the end what he desperately needed was a partner who wanted him ie me. I think he’s much happier now but the long-term damage to his self-esteem will probably never be cured. I don’t see a future for us in the long run as he is negative and lacking in drive in general, he let it go on too long.

I’m afraid what I’m saying OP is, sad smileys all round, this marriage is not good for you and you should probably end it.

OP I think you have had a tough time on here. You sound like you have tried everything to open up a dialogue with your wife which she had not engaged with.

Think you need to accept your sex life is over in this marriage as she clearly doesn't want this side of your relationship.

Then go for counselling on your own and decide if you wish to stay married with sex off the table. For what it's worth I would stay with my DP if he wasn't able to have sex, but would leave if he chose no sex or his desire for me ended. I want a sex life, it's important to me.

A mutually enjoyable and fulfilling sex life is wonderful and you are being denied it currently and it's making you miserable. That is enough reason to leave. Just as your DW would
be reasonable to end the marriage because she doesn't want this. It sounds like she almost wants you to make the break though rather than her as she has refused to discuss the elephant in the room.

I’m wondering if from watching porn you’ve got a bit of a warped idea of what women should be like? For example I wouldn’t really ‘take pleasure’ in a bloke coming on me. Maybe your expectations are unrealistic.
You do realise porn is geared up to what men like and not for women.
That said, it does seem unfair that she is ignoring your attempts to discuss the issues.

Oh I’ve not read the other replies, just your post, but I think it’s so sad and difficult for you. Whether you are male or female, to be desired by your partner is a must for any healthy relationship. Maybe you need to have a little holiday or some counselling...failing that...I don’t know.

Also, it may have reached the “too familiar” stage, I mean - you are parents and married, but no hot sex - so that probably feels more like friends or family, and beyond saving...

Porn may well have skewed OP's thinking a tad but something is skewing his DW's mind into ignoring his efforts to address something that he has every right to feel is a big deal for him. It's a sad and dep-seated problem for both of them, his occasional use of porn is a side issue IMO.

She thinks I am obsessed

If someone isn't up for much sex at all and you're giving them checklists of activities it's like 69 ways to make the person feel pressured.

How often do you think about sex? Maybe you should get counselling or see your GP?

I have brought this up from time to time and it tends to end up with me venting my frustration.

In what way do you vent your frustration?

I don't think you're compatible.

She must feel so shit being told for years that she is not good enough in bed, I expect she has lost the will to live.
My ex H did this, no matter how much effort I put into our sex life it was always not enough or he wanted more and more until he said he wanted us to go to orgies and fetish and sex clubs and that was the end for me.
We could not even go for a simple walk or wild swim without him wanting sex. It was just mind numbingly awful.
I expect she feels so drab and uncared for and quite frankly she knows she can never be enough for you that she has given up.
Do you ever send her flowers or unexpected (non sexual) gifts, do 50% of the housework and childcare, are you fun to be with on days out or is it all endless sex, sex, sex ad nauseam.
I shouldn't think she is happy at all, every woman wants to be a Goddess not told she is not good enough by a porn soaked wanker (literally).
She's probably not care if you left.

We could not even go for a simple walk or wild swim without him wanting sex.

If someone is hungry they’re going to go on and on about it until they’re not. Similarly someone who needs sex is going to go on about it until they’re satiated.

@BubblyBarbara he’s feeding his need for sex by watching porn though. The constant pressure must be immensely off putting for his wife

If someone is hungry they’re going to go on and on about it until they’re not. Similarly someone who needs sex is going to go on about it until they’re satiated

Not true in my case I'm afraid, even if I'd had sex with him 5 times the night before he's still be yanking at my clothes and wanting to have sex out on a walk, he was NEVER satisfied.
Personally I think he had mother issues. He didn't care about anything other than getting off. It was exhausting. I'm glad he's gone.
If I'd lwt him he would have had sex 15 times a day. I think that's actually not normal.

I agree @madcatladyforever actually getting what you want increases desire a bit like alcoholics drinking one is too many and fifty is never enough

even if I'd had sex with him 5 times the night before he's still be yanking at my clothes and wanting to have sex out on a walk, he was NEVER satisfied.

Well in that case definitely LTB IMO I was thinking more about people who seem to complain that their DPs are nagging about sex after months without anything and then wonder why.

I think, unfortunately, that you are sexually incompatible with your wife and it doesn't sound as if that is ever going to change.

If she knows that you are frustrated and upset about a lack of physical intimacy and affection, then there is a big level of disrespect if she does absolutely nothing to discuss or try to find a solution to the problem. Or even to make small steps to make things better.

I had the very same thing and being 'nice' and just cuddling never actually resulted in any additional physical affection from my wife. She was getting what she wanted and that was enough, so nothing else happened.

Labelling men who ask for sex and physical affection (when it is being almost completely denied to them) as 'perverts' or 'obsessed' is such an easy stick to beat them with and is utterly unfair IMHO.

I don't think you sound like a terrible lover or porn obsessed at all. You clearly really want this to work with your wife, so not sure why you are getting such a hard time. I am probably in a similar position to your wife, with my poor DH being like you, so I'll try to give some advice from my perspective- whether it helps or not, who knows. I was actually very sexually adventurous when younger, but have never been good at communicating what I want and generally relied on much more forward types who took the lead. My DH is fabulous and even after many years together, I still find him sexy. However - I'd say we have sex maybe once every 6-8 weeks at most and that's all down to me. The stars literally have to align perfectly for me to want it....I need to feel emotionally connected to him, not anxious about anything going on in the wider world, and no outside factors (sounds, smells, anything!) have to put me off. If they do, I can go from turned on to turned off in seconds and even if I try to go along with it so as not to be selfish to DH, I basically feel like I'm being raped...which is not a good experience for anybody. Now, I have plenty of very kinky thoughts in my head but can I communicate them to my DH? Can I heck! He has zero clue i think these things. I absolutely cannot bring myself to communicate them, and i have no idea why...so the sex we do have is quite vanilla. The thing i most crave to get it going more, which i have tried to tell him...is TALKING. Do you talk to your wife? Throughout the whole thing, do you communicate to her how you're feeling, what's happening, what you see and feel and what you want to do and ask her what she feels? The lack of that kind of talking is a total dealbreaker for me...silent sex, especially in the dark, is just a no-no. But then equally bad is "porn star talk". Sex communication should be an extension of romantic communication, a discussion about all the things you're feeling. Together. So one person isn't left trapped in their head feeling like they're having things done to them, they should be a joint participant.

Do I think you're incompatible and should split? No..But it does sound like you've got a communication problem.