BDSM

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I’ve seen a few posts on AIBU recently that relate into BDSM practices and generally being incredibly rude to those who partake.

I am in a BDSM relationship with a new Dom. We’ve been together since July. At first we were vanilla but after some in depth discussion we realised we were both interested in similar kinks.

I am not being abused, I have no history of abuse or mental illness.
I really enjoy the company of my boyfriend outside of the bedroom, we look pretty normal. I just have a few kinks for pain & bondage that he is happy to indulge.

I’d be interested to know if there others who partake of these obviously very controversial activities?

No one has the right to define your sexual identity or what you like to do within that identity.
Crack on

I am married to DH who is 51 and I am 44. We do BDSM when children are not here and its a fantastic aspect to our sex life. No one should judge you OP or anyone who enjoys. I enjoy the buzz when DH canes or paddles me and pain can be a real stimulant. Happy to chat in more depth if want or link on FB? We make love around 5 times weekly as I have always had an extremely high need for sex and would say BDSM is a once a week thing.

I have long been curious about BDSM and about 3 years ago I took more interest. Fortunately my partner has come on the journey with me. We have had some great experiences and it has certainly added a lot of spice to our sex lives.

We do not indulge in BDSM practices every time we have sex; indeed it is a minority of occasions that see her being restrained. We rented a dungeon for the night earlier this year and had a huge amount of fun. I'd like to repeat the experience, but my partner is keen to put the money towards our own equipment.

There are far too many people on MN who look down their noses at anyone whose life does not fit into the same neat little boxes as their own. Ignore them and do whatever makes you and your partner happy. If you both want to do something, then do it and to heck with all those who are afraid of exploration.

Me! I have long been into the BDSM scene and I resent anyone who suggests I'm just

a) a sicko
b) a person who doesn't know what they're doing and is being abused
c) an abuser

Suppose I've not thought it as labelled BDSM. Yes..we are normal couple, anyone looking at us. I read 50 shades on holiday and yes, crap writing but some of the stuff did give me some "stirrings ". Won't go into how tried, but ended up trying a few things with me being sub to him, so was tied up, blindfolded etc and he spanked me a bit.

We don't do all the time, but I have to admit I got very excited and aroused with it, especially him talking dirty to me

Yes normal people do try different things but tend not to boast about it..in public at least

I agree with PP. I have helped several people get in touch with that side of their sexuality. Nothing to extreme, but soft and titillating

Yep. I totally agree OP. There was a thread on AMA recently where someone lived the lifestyle 24/7 and invited posters to ask her about it. I would actually have been interested to see how that particular dynamic worked but from the first reply it just was a pile on with poster after poster after poster taking the piss. Surprisingly, the OP didn’t return.

I’m into BDSM. I’m not fragile or a victim. I am not being abused nor am I trying to be a ‘cool girl’ (nobody IRL knows what I’m into with the exception of a few like-minded friends I’ve met at munches etc). I do it simply because I find it an enormous turn on. My boyfriend and I are like any other couple most of the time. We go out for meals, watch Netflix, enjoy wandering around National Trust properties etc. Except that every so often we indulge in our mutual love of kink.

Another kinster here!

I'm a switch, but mostly sub as my partner is a Dom. We go to munches - when we remember - and occasionally to play parties but not often as DP is quite shy.

I'm a bit of a rope bunny truth be told, and I have another partner who loves to tie so we work well together. I'm trying to build up the confidence to be suspended but as I'm a.. rotund lass I'm a little nervous.

As pp, i have a couple of friends in the kink community but no one really close knows of our predilections. I'm on fet and you're welcome to say hello - just PM me for my nn.

Happy memories! In the days before mobile phones and internet, we started to try different things. We thought we were being ever so daring even though it was within our own home. Later we realised we were into BDSM. DW loved it, then suggested we changed roles and I loved that even more! All ideas came from our imaginations, such a shame kids and running our own business restricted occasions somewhat. Apart from vibrator (Advertised as a neck massager!) we had to use what we had at home. The wooden spatula still sits in the utensils jar by the hob!

Occasionally we chat about 'do you remember when?'.

Enjoy your kinks OP and everyone else.

I am not into BDSM at all, and not likely to be, But always interested about people who have different lifestyles.. I always wonder, if people just wan't to try it out for various reasons, or if it is more than that,as in a certain make up of a person,who has these certain desires, to experience some pain and be wanting to be the giver,or the taker of all that this may entail..

You can view crap tv programmes regarding BDSM, and go omg kind of thing. without really knowing what the real people are doing it for.

OP - you say "obviously very controversial activities". They're only controversial to people who suffer from narrow mindedness.

I'm a dom. Always have been but it's a difficult subject to raise with any partner or potential partner. To those who are narrow minded or who simply don't understand, I could be misunderstood as controlling or as a psycho.

I'm married with kids and love my wife dearly. No intention to leave. But.... she's very much vanilla.

An old friend has kinks that match perfectly with mine. She's married too. Also loves her husband and has no intention to leave him. But he's also very much vanilla.

She's not being abused, has never been abused, nor is she mentally ill. Quite the opposite. She's in a high profile job with huge amounts of responsibility and has to be in control in both work and home life. Being a sub is her way of giving up control. Letting go of day to day life.

So, we have an arrangement which suits us both and satisfies both of our desires as dom and sub. Neither of our partners know and we obviously have no intention of either of them finding out. Sure, there's no guarantee that it will always be a secret and we're both fully aware of the consequences should that happen.

Some of our activities could be seen to be pretty extreme and, like all BDSM activities, require 100% trust on both parts. We know each others kinks, limits and bodies and it works for us. Others may frown upon it.

Enjoy your kinks. Don't worry what others think about them. You're incredibly lucky that you've found someone you can share them with.

Enjoy exploring with each other.

NameChangedToBeAnon You're just a cheat then? Presumably you and the OW knew your spouses weren't into the same things as you so you shouldn't have married them.

Yes, put that way, I'm.just a cheat.

There's more to it than that though. It's not like I go around sticking it in anyone and everyone at every opportunity (which wouldn't be very often at all but you know what I mean). It's difficult to explain but ultimately we're both replacing something that's missing within our otherwise very happy relationships. That's not an excuse, not a justification for my actions, just the reason for them. Why ruin an otherwise great marriage for the sake of one thing I can satisfy elsewhere? I know it's wrong but it's how it is.

Additionally, even if my wife one day dropped the bombshell that she loves BDSM (which she won't), I'm not sure I could ever do to her what I do to my Sub.

Don't worry, I don't expect you to understand,

I’m new to being a sub, having met a Dom 6 weeks ago.
I absolutely love it, I’m pretty feisty out of the bedroom, but I love to completely hand over to control in the bedroom.
I don’t have to think, I can let it all go and let him take me to whatever pleasurable heights he chooses.
It’s not for everyone, but I find pain extremely arousing. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me, it’s just what I like.
Op, have you looked at fabswingers, there’s some interesting posts on bdsm

@NameChangedToBeAnon what are the things you do with your sub / affair partner that you can’t do with your wife?

@outherealone My sub, or affair partner as you put it (I suppose quite rightly although I see an affair as something more than just physical) likes humiliation, pain, restraint and suspension, throat fucking, hard spanking, whipping, caning, face slapping, choking. The list goes on. In a nutshell, she's a true masochist - nothing has ever proved too extreme for her.

As much as I would love it if my wife one day said she wanted it rough, I don't think I could ever bring myself to choke her to within a whisker of passing out, or spanking her so hard my own hand hurts, or caning her so hard that the cane leaves white raised marks on her skin, forcing part of me down her throat and holding her head there while she fights the wretching and convulsing. I couldn't do any of that to my wife.

Sure, I could tie her up playfully and give her a light slap on the arse if she wanted me to but that's about it. No way could I slap her face or queeze her throat or in any way risk physically harming her.

I don't expect anyone to understand and I fully expect the majority to think I'm a psycho (which I am absolutely not) but that's how it is and it's why my sub and I have such an arrangement. We both get what we want out of the sexual relationship and no one else judges because they have no idea.

I could never have an emotional relationship with my sub, we're not compatible in that way. We are however compatible sexually.

Likewise, I could never have a BDSM relationship with my wife. I love her too much to be able to inflict physical pain on her. Even if it's what she said she wanted.

Ironically, by doing what I'm doing I risk inflicting emotional pain on her which is as bad but I do what I can to make sure that doesn't happen.

Wow. I thought I had a mild interest in bdsm and enjoy some of those things to a degree but seeing it all written down like that seems quite alarming. I’m obviously a bit naive to the extremes yet some of what I enjoy is classed as extreme to others.
Honestly, regardless of how you see your interests as something bigger than an affair, ultimately you are cheating on your wife.
People try to intellectualise fetishes and the whole ‘it is more than just sex’ etc is used in order to gaslight others into thinking they don’t understand these special and particular needs that must be met, and the cheater kids themself into believing they are free to cheat and lie to their partners.
I understand many sub/Dom relationships happen outside of the marriages of those people but for fucks sake. Why can’t you just find someone to be with who wants to partake in your interests without lying and sneaking around?
There’s no need in this day and age to commit long term to somebody else unless they are meeting all your relationship needs.
You might not be having this sex life with your wife but your actions are keeping her tied to something that is not offering her a fair crack at an honest and open loving relationship.
Cut her free and then work out how you’re going to pursue your desires without hurting somebody else who has not consented to being hurt by you.

@NameChangedToBeAnon whatever helps you sleep at night pal

@NameChangedToBeAnon totally 100% get where you're coming from. However can also see why people may not understand it ha

@namechangedToBeAnon - have sent you a pm

@outherealone I understand what you're saying, I get it, I really do.

I'm also not saying what I'm doing is something more than an affair. It's less. In my mind, an affair is a second relationship, similar to the primary relationship. One that runs in parallel to the primary relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to trivialise the fact that I'm cheating but at the same time, I'm only in an emotional relationship with one person.

My wife and I have been married for many years and we get along incredibly well. I was faithful for a long time and had left the kinks of my past behind and everything was good. Or at least that's what I thought until I bumped in to a friend from the past and things went from there. Yes, it's wrong and yes, it's selfish, and yes, I could leave my wife, break up my family, hurt the kids. But why? Why ruin an otherwise fantastic relationship.

Yes, I could also stop cheating, or not have cheated in the first place but the selfish side of me enjoys the kinks of old and doesn't want to give that up either.

As mentioned previously, I do not expect people to understand but everyone is different and everyone has different boundaries, different views on what is and isn't acceptable and what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another. There are numerous people on here who cheat. I don't judge them. There was a recent post on sexless relationships and someone had posted that they "schedule sex" even though their wife doesn't really want it because they have made it clear to their wife that if they don't get sex at least once a week then they'll get divorced. That works for them. I don't judge them for that. I guess they have an otherwise great relationship but personally I'd much rather have sex with someone who actually wants it, actually enjoys it and in such a way that pleased both parties. That's what works for me.

@ChongADong Not sure what you mean. It doesn't help me sleep at night. It is what it is. I'm not trying to kid myself that I'm doing no wrong. I'm simply explaining the situation. Some will understand, some won't. Some will judge, some won't.

@CrispPacket Yes, I too can see why people wouldn't understand. In the same way that I don't necessarily understand other people's situations.

@NameChangedToBeAnon: No judgement here - I’m a hardcore masochist (23+ years in the scene) myself but this

“I love her too much to be able to inflict physical pain on her. Even if it's what she said she wanted.”

Jumped out at me. See.. I believe that it is exactly the trust and mutuality and connection that allow us to walk the darker path. The pain, the bruises, the humiliation and the scars (yes, sometimes there are scars), the kind of sex that to a casual observer would look abusive and wrong and often just plain cruel; that can’t be done without care and affection, dare I say... love otherwise it is all those negative things vanilla folk would claim it is, no matter how you want to dress it up.

We open ourselves up wide when we play, be it top OR bottom, we make ourselves incredibly vulnerable... you are fooling yourself if you think you don’t have an emotional connection with your sub/affair partner, either that or you’re doing something much worse. Only you know that of course.

@NameChangedToBeAnon I get what you’re saying in terms of liberation but honestly?
As a liberal Middle Aged divorcee, your response to me sounds like approximately 75% of the married men I know in our age group.
A revolting American saying: either shit, or get off the pot.
Have your cake and eat it by letting your wife into your secret life. If she doesn’t like it you let each other go and you are both free to explore whatever it is you both need.
Marriage doesn’t have to be for life anymore .
There’s absolutely no reason why you need to lie and cheat regardless of how special and different you think your bdsm lifestyle is. It has become pretty much mainstream. You do not need and have not earned special dispensation.