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Original poster

What if the longest you and your husband have gone without sex for?

29 replies

TheSky · 06/09/2019 19:14

Because we've gone without it for nearly two years (actually 18 months). Since we had our 3rs and final child. I lost my libido while breastfeeding for sure and also suffered from PND. Just the general stressed of looking after 3 children, leaky boobs, feeling mentally shit and feeling like I looked physically shit compared to before - oh and being completely knackered by the time the kids are all asleep meant that I was not interested in it AT ALL. Husband didn't even try to be honest. Was probably fairly knackered too!

Anyway, I finished breastfeeding 3 months ago and my libido has definitely returned but I feel like a bit of a knob suddenly trying it on. I've said I would like sex but he seems to have now lost his libido. Panicking slightly that he's getting it elsewhere but I don't know when he'd get the time to be honest! Should I just buy some sexy underwear and make a move?? How??? Eek! We used to have an amazing sex life pre kids

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSky · 06/09/2019 19:15

I've been verbally talked down by him - scared I'll be physically rejected

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSky · 06/09/2019 19:15

Advice needed! Have you had a long gap in a relationship and managed to reignite it?

OP posts:
DevonshireCat · 06/09/2019 20:50

Hello

I'll say the second time following a long break is much easier than the first. Keep that in mind.

We've been for over a year at times, and I'm worried that other aspects of life will not always make up for gaps in sex and we may have to go our separate ways.

There's no anticipation/teasing/out-of-bedroom fun ahead of sex so in some senses it's easier just to get to bed and get started.

Get in the right place together, do the deed, and then worry another day about making it exciting and memorable again for the next time you have sex.

A step at a time.

Puddypuddy · 06/09/2019 22:17

I feel similar.have not had sex in 3 months.0ur average was once a week up until about a year ago.I'm 40,he's 50.He just seems to have lost interest.I don't know if it's his age or stress from work or if he's just gone off me.Before children I was a size 8,now I'm a 14.We have teenagers in the house so that can make it difficult.I don't know what to think anymore 😢.

Banquo54 · 06/09/2019 23:26

The longest my wife and I have gone without sex is about 20 years.

Puddypuddy · 06/09/2019 23:57

😢

sparkly40 · 07/09/2019 00:28

3 weeks and frankly
That was enough ..

Just try and make some time for yourselves.

Lack of Interest would worry me in regards to getting it else where
And you say he wouldn't have the time but there's men on here do out once a week in their lunch breaks.

MarieG10 · 07/09/2019 06:59

First; it is great that your libido has returned. Embrace that as what I have said on MN many times is that few relationships survive long term without sex and the intimacy. You have just been through the difficult time and not had the inclination (prob hormones) but now is the time for some TLC for your marriage.

Perhaps treat a little like a new relationship. Can you have some date nights, not with some requirement you have sex necessarily, or the ultimate, a night or weekend away?

If not, then yes, perhaps a visit to the beauticians coupled with new lingerie. Maybe a little risqué lingerie if confident enough, and a date night in with the kids in bed. Get M& S meal or one of you cook in advance and a snuggle on the sofa. Make a move if he doesn't but you could give hints what he might find.

Good luck OP and don't worry. I was lucky and didn't end up with much of a break but plenty do

burntthepasta · 07/09/2019 11:40

About 6 months was the longest. My youngest is almost 3 (she's my 5th child) and it's only with the last couple of months that we're back to having sex 6/7 a week. For so long I kept putting it off because she was a bad sleeper and I was exhausted and sex was the last thing on my mind, I didn't even feel bad for rejecting dp. I eventually went to see my go and he prescribed me anti depressants almost instantly my libido came back. I've purchased a tonne of sex toys and sexy underwear and quite frankly dp is loving life x

LocalHobo · 08/09/2019 00:26

Over a period of 6 years with 3 young DC, I estimate we had sex maybe 5 times.
Certainly the spark can be ignited and for the past approx. 12 years we have made up for lost time.

sodastream23 · 08/09/2019 06:23

He's probably one of those that's gone and got hooked on porn,, check his browser history, you'll find all you need to know there.

Original poster
TheSky · 08/09/2019 08:59

@sodastream23 he's not "one of those" that's got hooked on porn.

Jesus, if there was an equivalent mainstream website where men all tarred women with the same horrible brush in the way then men are bashed on here it would be illegal!

OP posts:
WLmum · 12/09/2019 02:04

Similar to you op. Currently we have sex rarely - once every couple of months maybe. Way back before dc we had a very healthy sex life, then came trying for dc, pregnancies, bf, major sleep deprivation, 2 full time jobs etc etc. I have worried about it in the past, but defo don't think he's getting it elsewhere or majorly into porn. It just seems that neither of us have much libido atm, and neither of us is bothered enough to do anything about it.

Crystal87 · 14/09/2019 09:20

1 week after the birth of youngest child.

zarek · 14/09/2019 17:45

A couple of months when the children were young. Sex drive is strange because unlike eating it is not essential for survival nor, after you have already reproduced, spreading your genes, yet can be very powerful. Infrequent sex is not a problem if both partners feel the same. Otherwise I think mismatch can be very destructive. Rejection of sex in struggling relationships is apparently one of the decisive factors in splitting up.

Pickitup · 28/09/2019 20:56

12 months with infrequent interactions beforehand. (Maybe 3/4 times the year previous)
Couldn't get over it. Major cause of our separation as I felt unloved, unwanted and rejected. Then I felt resentful too.
I realised after 6 months of no sex that I didn't want sex with him again. There was virtually no turning back for me at that point. The lack of sex was one thing, but no physical contact from another adult was very hard to deal with.

You sound like you are definitely still interested and so on that basis, try anything! Good luck

nunnun · 28/09/2019 21:39

10 years and counting ....

Tiger785 · 29/09/2019 14:53

From a man's view just go for it. He's probably thinking the same as you? Get some drinks in, put something funny on tv nothing romantic and as the drinks flow his/yours guards will drop, mess around, go out the room and come back in naked or in some new underwear, just prance around teasing the go with the flow and enjoy.

Gre8scott · 10/10/2019 16:52

5years then had it a few times last year now its 15 months

Lex234 · 10/10/2019 20:53

1 week after the birth of youngest child.

@Crystal87 1 week?! God at least 6 weeks after each of mine!

StarlightLady · 11/10/2019 07:06

I haven’t got one of those (husband) Grin, but with the exception of some spells in hospital, since my mid teens (40s now), the longest l have gone without sex is about 2 weeks. I have needs!

Sparkybloke · 11/10/2019 07:27

Me and my dp do not live together (yet) so we are only together every few weeks. We are both climbing the walls after just a week apart. It has been three weeks! We will be together this weekend so bed time will be very early on Saturday!

NameChangeNugget · 11/10/2019 08:48

Outside of maternity times about a week and we’ve been together 35+ years.

We prioritise what is important

Anothernick · 12/10/2019 17:16

We made a deal years ago that we wouldn't go longer than a week without and we've pretty much stuck to that, apart from the immediate aftermath of childbirth. We're in our 60s now and still do it several times a week.

DumbleDork · 12/10/2019 22:35

About 14 months. All pregnancy related though. After several early miscarriages we were advised to avoid sex early on, then I developed a hernia due to pregnancy about half way through so that was painful to even move let alone have sex, then at the end I was too massive to even try Grin then once our baby was born I wasn’t physically in shape to do so for 5 months afterward, mostly due to the 3 day labour, failed forceps, then c section then when baby was 3 months old they repaired my hernia which we had to wait 2 months to have any physical activity after.

I wish I could say we made up for time but we average once a month to once ever two months now. I think the trying for a baby for so long sucked the passion for sex out of the relationship Sad

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